Wisteria grew in the garden outside the front steps of school. It gave the school this sort of fantasy feel, a Lord of the Rings elves-esque ambience to it. Seulgi had this habit to watch the purple leaves sway in the autumn wind, but when winter came, all she had were barren lifeless husks. No pretty trees when winter came, and Seulgi didn’t like how something so beautiful became so dead and morbid. It reminded her of Joohyun in a way, the duality, the good and the bad. 

Seulgi wanted to love all the sides of Joohyun, but it was getting hard to. 

She heard no news about Joohyun nor anything about Seungwan. Sooyoung must have done something about it, or maybe Joohyun lost her nerve. But knowing Joohyun, Seulgi doubted it. Well...knowing Joohyun, maybe she did. Joohyun confused her to no end, and there was no telling what she would do. 

Three days, three nights Seulgi had been writing that speech of hers. She was told she was a great writer, a few such as Sooyoung and her mother, but words were hard to put down when everything was on the line. Words failed her, and it scared her that they failed when they concerned Joohyun. She always had something to say about Joohyun, ten thousand and one reasons why, but none came to mind when her pen touched paper. 

“I think it’s a bad idea,” Yeri said as she leaned from her seat, peering at the paper Seulgi was writing on.

“It’s all I have,” Seulgi said. “It’s all I’m good at.”

“Right...judging by all three words you’ve written, I’d say you are very good at writing.”

“Art takes time, okay?” Seulgi said, peeved at Yeri’s teasing. 

“Art.” Yeri sounded doubtful. “Whatever you say, Seulgi. I’m just saying that embarrassing yourself in front of hundreds of edgy teens is a terrible idea.”

“Sorry about her. She’s a bit ,” Sooyoung said as she looked up from reading her book. “She hasn’t gotten laid since the party and she’s been craving it. A complete horn-dog.”

Yeri shot Sooyoung a miffed look, but Seulgi could only see Yeri undressing Sooyoung with her eyes. 

“Shut up, Sooyoung. I’m much more than a horn-dog. You would see that if you would just give me a date. One DATE! That’s all I ask.” 

Sooyoung wagged a finger as she shook her head. “No no, that’s not happening. I know you. You’d rather go help Professor Kim walk his turtle rather than talk about your feelings.”

“Please, Sooyoung? Give me a chance.” Yeri’s eyes pleaded with Sooyoung’s, rid of its salacious nature. Sooyoung gave her a hardy look back, trying to fight the soft-natured gaze Yeri was giving her, but in the end, she relented and nodded her head.

SIghing, Sooyoung said, “Alright…” She held up one finger. “...ONE date. Just one and we’ll see how we go from there.”

Yeri beamed at the green light, glad that she finally had a date with the girl she had been vying for this whole time. Meanwhile, Seulgi watched the whole exchange with a miffed look on her face, wondering how it could be so easy for the two of them. She had been walking on eggshells for Joohyun this whole time, and she wished she could talk to her how Yeri talked to Sooyoung, straightforward. No tricks, no lies, no unneeded wrap-arounds and detours before they finally got to their destination. Just the two of them, their feelings, and no one else. 

“Do…” Seulgi’s voice caught the attention of the other two, who stopped bickering with each other. “...you think she’ll like me without them?”

“The letters?” Yeri asked. 

Seulgi nodded, looking down at the three words on her paper, those three familiar words she had written so many times before. 

“Of course she will,” Sooyoung piped in. “You’re a whole catch, Seulgi. You see, me and Yerim here, we think that she wouldn’t have asked you to come to the zoo if she didn’t rely on you one way or another. She thinks of you, that much is for certain. Sure, she almost mistook you for Seungwan, but she doesn’t know the real you just yet, the face under that mask of yours.”

“And how exactly can I show her the real me?”

Sooyoung palmed the book on the table and it into Seulgi’s hand. A knowing look came next, and a snide smile.

“You share something special.”

Seulgi forgot.

Book Buddies.

//

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love. 

Seulgi read the words from Hamlet otop the hill overlooking the school, finding it a place so scarcely used since she had not visited. Several other books were inside her bag, all books she had once read, finding quotes and lines that could help her in her quest to write this damned speech. This one in particular rang close to home. Seulgi considered herself to be a wholly doubtful person, second guessing every single move she made, but none could make her doubt her love for Joohyun. 

Such things were meant to be, and she was meant to love Joohyun, but of course, Joohyun didn’t have to love her back.

Seulgi took another book from her bag, the covering brandishing that familiar ring in the middle. She opened the book and skimmed through the pages, the story of Frodo and the Fellowship in fast forward with every second she took. In her focused state, Seulgi didn’t see the girl coming up the hill, hands carrying capri suns for the both of them. That girl casted a shadow over Seulgi’s prone state, and Seulgi squinted and threw an arm over her eyes as the light leveled and revealed the girl’s face.

It’s Joohyun with a gentle smile engrained on her face. She held out a capri sun and Seulgi hesitantly took it with her free hand while she made herself upright. Wordlessly, Joohyun took a seat right next to her. Odd. It felt odd how it seemed as though this correspondence was something they’ve taken part in many times before, how right and comfortable it seemed. It was as if they were old friends, finding time for each other in a day so rare they’d meet. Maybe that was what they were meant to be, just friends. The two of them, in a never-ending cycle of push and pull, and Seulgi ever the one getting hurt while the other stayed oblivious to the pain she’d inflicted.

“Lord of the Rings, huh? I haven’t read that in a long time,” Joohyun finally said as she drank from her capri sun. She looked out into the distance, watching the soccer team practice in the field beside the school.

“It’s just...I’m visiting old reads. Something as a project of mine.”

“Project?” Joohyun inquired, her head tilting slightly. 

“Quotes, I guess. My favorite ones.”

Joohyun peered over at Seulgi’s side, finding several books piled up. “And what’s your favorite in this one?” 

Seulgi came upon the quote she had been looking for in her skimming. She looked at Joohyun, at those beautiful brown eyes she had been lost in so many times before. She snapped herself out of her trance soon enough and paid attention to the ink on the pages, that line something she had always wanted to say to Joohyun far too long ago.

“I would rather spend one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone,” Seulgi read aloud. 

There was a silence that followed, something Seulgi found so filled with trepidation, how her heart squeaked and raged with every passing second in the mere presence of it. Terrible it was, she knew she had much more to say, but that silence was a makeshift barrier to further words. No reaction from Joohyun, just this unease and anxiety. Eventually, Joohyun found the way past the silence and relieved Seulgi of her worries.

“Arwen, is it?”

Seulgi hummed in affirmation. “Saying it to Aragorn. She doesn’t want to leave him.” 

Again, silence. However, Seulgi would have none of it. She finally stared at Joohyun, finding the girl gazing right at her with such inscrutable eyes, one so mystical and enigmatic that Seulgi had a hard time finding the truth behind that gaze. For once, Seulgi couldn’t see what Joohyun was feeling, shrouded in eyes so ambiguous. 

“What do you think of me, Joohyun?”

“Think of you?”

“As a person, as a friend, or something more. What am I to you?” 

“You…” Joohyun caught herself, open as if she planned to say something, but the words became lost before they found its way to . 

Seulgi leaned closer in anticipation, in curiosity of whether it may be a bastion of rapture or a pool full of sorrow. 

“As a person, you’re selfless, a girl that seems so focused on the happiness of others that she forgets her own. Innocent. A person who somehow finds a way to make me laugh without doing too much.”

Seulgi held her breath, finding the words Joohyun said to be words that she had been waiting to hear this whole time.

“As a friend, you...you make things so simple. I don’t have to think when I’m with you. I just know that I won’t have to worry and that we can just enjoy our time together.”

Seulgi swallowed, knowing that if Joohyun saw the worst sides of her, there was much worrying to be done, more careful choosings of words and phrases, but what they had now was what Seulgi preferred, because then Joohyun wouldn’t be so rigid around her like Sooyoung was.

“As something more...I...I-” Joohyun looked away, and Seulgi found the answer right then and there. Joohyun didn’t like her. Of course, she didn’t. Why would she if she didn’t know the whole truth?

However, Seulgi was not an oracle, and she didn’t know the truth of people’s actions, their little idiosyncrasies and mannerisms. With every passing second, she lost her confidence in being able to read Joohyun, and with every passing second, a new Joohyun came into light, one that she would learn to love.

“...I’ve thought about it, truly. If Seungwan didn’t ask me first, I wondered…” Joohyun’s eyes started to get misty. “I wondered if I could have a future with you. I wondered if I only asked you earlier or you had asked me earlier, we could’ve been something. I guess it’s true then. You never really forget your first love.”

“Joohyun…”

“But even if we could get together, I couldn’t...not with Seungwan by your side. I still…”

“You still like her,” Seulgi finished for her.

“Her letters,” Joohyun continued. “Well yours, but it’s her thoughts and her feelings. She knows so much about me, but you give her feelings the life I know it as, the ink on the pages. How could she fail to express it to me personally?”

Joohyun’s eyes sparkle, her little ears move ever so slightly, her lips in a somewhat downward trend. Seulgi couldn’t reply, her lips sealed as the Joohyun looked at her pleadingly, as if asking her what the answer to her question was. Feelings were hard to put into words. They were intangible, but they were there, and Seungwan in one way or another expressed it so subtly that Joohyun could not feel it. The letters, however, made those feelings into something so...so powerful, but even then, words can only do so much and action then would take the reins. If she had Joohyun, would she be able to do and not only say? Or was she bound to the four corners of a page with words she was skilled in forging?

“Joohyun, go on a date with me. Not that kind of date in the zoo, but a real one.” Seulgi slightly smiled, replaying Yeri's first ever lesson to her in her head and following that, the incident they had at the meeting room on the third floor. 

“What?”

Seulgi stared deeply at her, as if she was trying to transfer her feelings over, and in a way, with Joohyun’s eyes forming these little wrinkles around her eyes, she believed Joohyun was receiving them. But as always, such things were intangible, and action must follow in its stead for it to take any hold. 

“I like you. A lot. I’ve never said it because of Seungwan, but...but I want to be selfish this time, and I’m doing anything I can to show you that I do.”

“Seul…”

“You don’t have to answer me right now. I know it’s a lot to take in, and you’ve just gotten out of a relationship, but...but I feel like if I didn’t say it now, I would never find the courage to say it again.”

Seulgi let out a deep breath, the weight off her shoulder alighted and ran off. Suddenly, her eyes zigged and zagged when she realized what she had done. She wasn’t herself for a moment, and in turn, her face went beet red. She let out a small yelp, surprising the girl processing the whole thing. 

“Ah! I err...I will uhh…” Seulgi started gathering her books and throwing it in her bag without any care. “I’ll talk to...I’ll…I’ll talk to you later!” 

With that, Seulgi ran off and down the hill, the books inside her backpack jostling up and down with the zipper still open, but Seulgi’s mind was far from the condition of her books, and instead on what stupid but brave thing she had just done.

Under her breath she muttered a final, “Grape ing fruits.”

//

Pillows were such amazing inventions. So much use to them, like sleeping on them, hitting someone in a pillow fight with them, and with what Seulgi’s doing at the moment, burying her screaming face into them. 

It was not the first scream, but rather the eighth or ninth, Seulgi wasn’t keeping count. All she knew was that she had just done the most courageous thing she’d ever done in her life. One week ago, she would’ve never done such a thing. Three months ago, she would have never even thought of doing such a thing. Side effects of being friends with Yeri and Sooyoung: you just go crazy in one way or another. 

Oh, you’ve done it now.

I ed up!

No, not necessarily. She didn’t say no, did she?

She didn’t. She just sat there and watched. I think I left my capri sun in the grass though.

Good, that means you have a chance

tf why did you not drink a perfectly good capri sun

She hasn’t called or texted me. I’m freaking out.

She hasn’t come out of her room. I think she’s freaking out too.

I messed up. I messed up!

 Look, if I can somehow weather the storm that is Kim Yeri, you can weather the light breeze that is Bae Joohyun.

You’re right. If she says no, then I guess that’s it. Letters won’t help me anyway. 

In the meantime, just go scream into your pillow or something. That’ll relieve the stress.

Thanks Soo.

I’m a problem solver.

A tenth scream went into her pillow and her phone hadn’t buzzed since Sooyoung last texted her. If it were the old her, Seulgi wouldn’t even be worried because she knew she didn’t have a chance, but the fact that there was a chance made it all the worse for her psyche. Freaking out was an understatement for her plight. It was more like ‘please get me out of this ing world and board me on an alien ship to anywhere’ type of freaking out.

All of a sudden her phone buzzed, and Seulgi head shot up from her scream-stained pillow. She snatched her phone from her night table, but her excited nature morphed into worry as a name other than Joohyun’s appeared on the screen. 

She tapped the green call button and held the phone to her ear, anticipation boiling in her veins with the words the person on the other line was about to say.

“I heard you asked Joohyun out,” Seungwan said, and Seulgi couldn’t figure out whether she was mad or proud.

“It was in the heat of the moment. I-I lost myself for a second there,” Seulgi managed to say, albeit a bit forced and choked.

“Good. I was just...I was just wondering if she said yes.”

Seulgi bit her lip. “Well she didn’t say no.”

“But not a yes?”

Seulgi chuckled. “You know me. I’m a jittery ball of mess. I ran out of there as soon as I realized what I just did and told her to tell me her answer later.”

Seungwan hummed, not finding the same amusement Seulgi had. Unease. It gave Seulgi unease with how odd Seungwan was acting. By now, Seungwan would be teasing her, poking fun at her stupid act, but right now, there was none of that. Seungwan was too serious, and Seungwan was barely ever serious until the situation called for it.

“It sort of feels wrong,” Seulgi confessed. “I feel like I took her from you.”

“I never had her in the first place. It was your letters.”

“I know it was, but you liked her too, and I took your chance.”

“I never said it wasn’t going to hurt. That’s part of life, and I have to deal with it. It was my choice to take a step back.” 

Seulgi swallowed something, finding the atmosphere to be too heavy for a conversation such as this. There was a reason why Seungwan called her, a reason why Seungwan opted to talk to her personally and not through a text. It was all coming together, and Seulgi didn’t like it one bit.

“Why’d you call me?”

“Earlier this morning, Joohyun...Joohyun asked me if I wanted to get back together.”

There it was and then there was silence. Both of them were too afraid to talk, too afraid to take that leap forward, grab the bull by the horns and just go for it. Instead, Seulgi’s voice quivered, and she said, “Wha...What d-d-d-di...did yo..you s-say?”

“I didn’t say anything. She said she’s going to call me tonight for my answer. I thought I’d just let you know that I’m going to say no.”

“Oh...okay.” Seulgi didn’t have much else to say.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Seul.” And the line went dead.

Seulgi set her phone down on her night-stand, staring at it. While staring at it, only one question burned within her mind, all other thoughts and questions shuffled to the back and in the forefront was this one.

Who was Joohyun going to call tonight?