Yixing glances at the alarm clock on the nightstand and sighs. In two and a half hours the alarm will sound and tell him to get up. He and Songmi both have work, but Yixing can’t sleep. The chaos that has resided in his mind for the last two months has triggered several issues for him, one of them being his inability to sleep. There isn’t any anger left in him, just sadness. Songmi has kept her promise of not bringing up IVF until he’s ready, and Yixing almost managed to stop thinking about it, but his conscience isn’t letting him cling to his denial any longer. He can’t turn back time, no matter how much he wants to.

Songmi acts like everything’s fine, but he knows she isn’t happy. It’s wrong of him not to talk about it, but every time he tries, the words lodge themselves in his throat and he can’t speak them. The logic of his mind and the emotions of his heart can’t seem to find a way to mix and be constructive. He's just a mess of conflicted feelings.

He rolls onto his side to look at his sleeping wife. She looks beautiful when she’s asleep, her black hair falling over her pillow. Yixing has always loved the sight of Songmi sleeping. When they first got together and his assignments had him studying through the early hours, he used to get so much comfort from just glancing at her sleeping peacefully. He reaches a finger over and gently removes the hair from her face, and her hand reaches out and grabs onto his shirt. There is nothing he wants more than to give her a child, to see what their combination of genes would look like and to watch their small family grow.

Yixing closes his eyes and tries to think of something else, but his thoughts keep on circling back, and he knows he won’t be sleeping tonight. He lies still, forcing himself not to move restlessly, to at least let his body get as much rest as it can.

The alarm clock goes off at six and he reaches out to turn it off. Songmi gets out of bed first, rubbing her eyes and stretching before she heads to the shower. Yixing feels overwhelmingly tired as he drags himself up into a sitting position and rubs his face.

People file in and out of the bus as it takes them through the city in the early morning. Businessmen and women in pressed suits mix with teenagers in school uniforms listening to music through their headphones. Songmi is looking out of the window, staring at the buildings and trees that pass them by. Yixing wishes he could read her mind. When he sighs, she tears her gaze away from the window and looks up at him with concern.

“Just tired,” Yixing whispers, but both of them know better.

Another five minutes pass in silence before the bus pulls up at the hospital stop. They file out with a few others. Yixing reaches out to catch Songmi's hand and link their fingers as they walk in, but it's not long before they have to part, Songmi to stay on the ground floor and Yixing to go up to the ninth floor. He feels unusually reluctant to let go of her hand. Songmi smiles up at him as she pulls away

“I’ll see you later,” she tells him.

Yixing takes the elevator to the oncology department and his office. The receptionist sends him a smile when he walks through the large glass doors towards the reception and Yixing greets him politely. In his office, he changes his light jacket for his white coat and fixes his nametag so it faces forward just as someone knocks on his door.

“Dr. Zhang, sorry to pounce on you when you’ve barely arrived, but I have Oh Eunji’s husband on the phone and he sounds concerned. Can I transfer the call to you?” Nurse Choi asks. Yixing nods immediately. He knows she doesn’t like to take phone calls from panicked patients or their relatives. She’s told him it makes her feel helpless. Yixing doesn’t exactly enjoy talking to panicking relatives either, but it’s often easier for him to calm them down. Simply the fact that they’re talking to their specialist is sometimes enough to reassure the worried caller. He sits down at his desk just in time to pick up the transferred call.

“Dr. Zhang speaking,” he says. Mr. Oh immediately bursts into a worried gabble and Yixing starts to frown a little as he picks out the important information among the rest. He grabs a pen so he can take notes.

“Does she have a fever?” he asks when Mr. Oh finishes. “Can you take her temperature for me? Stay on the line, I’ll hold on.”

The phone is put down while Mr. Oh goes to find their thermometer and take his wife’s temperature. When the phone is picked up and he gives the answer, Yixing frowns harder and writes the number down on his notepad.

“Did you notice anything else out of the ordinary?” He hums as he listens and writes down a few more worrying symptoms. Eunji must have caught an infection based on what her husband describes on the phone and staying at home is not an option for her. If it hasn’t developed into neutropenia, it might soon. He stares at the symptoms he's listed, slowly tapping his pen against the paper as his heart aches. He'd known Eunji didn't have much chance from the moment he'd diagnosed the stage IV ovarian cancer, and once he and Zitao had found the inoperable brain metastases, her small chance had plummeted to zero. It's just been a matter of how long she'll last. Knowing all this, he's tried so hard to not get attached this time, and he's had her as a patient for far less long than Sooyoung, but somehow it feels like there's a lead weight in his chest that's only growing heavier with each patient he loses.

He strives to keep his voice free of these things when he asks Mr. Oh if he can drive Eunji to the hospital, but is told that they don't have a car, and Eunji is definitely way too ill for public transport. “Okay," Yixing says. "I’m going to send an ambulance to your house. I suspect she’s caught an infection and it’s better to have her here. Do you have anyone to look after your son?” He breathes a sigh of relief when Mr. Oh confirms they have a babysitter.

“I’ll send the ambulance now and they’ll be with you in ten minutes or so. I’ll see you soon.” Yixing hangs up when Mr. Oh has said his goodbyes and presses the number for the ambulance service. The hold tone is a gentle Yiruma piano piece, and Yixing's emotions are too close to the surface for such poignant music. He closes his eyes as the music sets them burning. When the call is picked up a minute later, it takes him a second to be able to speak. He arranges an ambulance to be sent the address in Doksan-dong, then hangs up and dials the ED to alert them to the incoming patient and make sure they page him when she arrives.

His first outpatient appointment is now five minutes behind schedule, but there's nothing out of the ordinary for the first three patients he sees and he manages to make up the time. He gets a call thirty minutes later on his pager that Eunji has arrived. He lets Jinsang know he’s heading to the ED for a consult before he leaves the department.

The ED is too chaotic for Yixing to easily cope with this morning. His anxiety skyrockets as he dodges harried staff going in every possible direction. He rounds the corner and almost runs into Songmi. Their eyes meet briefly, and she sends him a soothing smile and pats his arm as she passes, too busy to stop, but even that's enough to help a little.

He makes his way to the curtained arrival bay where they've put Eunji, and finds that her fever has spiked at 39.7 and her breathing is labored. Yixing listens to her lungs and determines quickly that his initial suspicion of pneumonia is right. They start IV antibiotics immediately, and Yixing arranges her to be admitted to intensive care, biting down on the inside of his lip as Mr. Oh thanks him. Barring a miracle, Eunji won't be coming out of the ICU again. Chest so leaden it aches, he makes his way back to the oncology department and his waiting outpatients.

The day is busy, packed with outpatients and leaves him little time for brooding, or indeed anything else except for focusing on the patients in front of him. When Yixing finally has a chance to check his phone at five in the afternoon, he finds a message from Minseok. He finishes up his last documentation and goes to find his wife in the ED. Her shift doesn't end until seven.

“I’ll be out when you get home tonight. I’m going to meet Minseok for a drink or two,” he tells her.

Songmi smiles. “That sounds lovely,” she says. “I’ll see you later then. Take care, little star.” She reaches out to gently catch both his hands in hers, swinging them a little in place of the kiss he knows she'd give him if they weren't at work. Their eyes meet, and Yixing finds his way to his own smile again for what feels like the first time that day. For a brief moment, his chest stops hurting as he reads Songmi's love in her eyes and sends it back to her tenfold.

The moment is broken when one of the other nurses calls for Songmi’s help. She tells him a quick goodbye, pulls her hands free and hurries over to where she’s needed. Yixing watches her work for a few moments before he starts to make his way home.

A couple of hours later, he arrives at the bar Minseok told him of. It's dimly lit despite it only being seven in the evening. Yixing is running a little late and he looks around to spot his friend. Minseok notices him from the small table he’s occupying in the middle of the room and lifts a hand to catch his attention. There are two beers already in front of him. Yixing sends him a smile and slips through the line of people waiting to order at the bar.

“Hey,” says Minseok when Yixing finally makes it and sits down. He pushes one of the beers out towards Yixing and he takes it gratefully.

“Cheers.” Yixing tilts his glass so he can clink it with Minseok’s. It’s been a while since they’ve met outside of work. He and Minseok were close when they were residents together, but in their busy, stressful world, making time for friendships sometimes falls by the wayside. To be fair, though, Minseok hasn’t made much effort during the last few years either. Yixing takes a slow sip of his drink and sighs, closing his eyes briefly as his shoulders relax, releasing tension he hadn’t realised he was holding. He needs to forget about cancer diagnoses and dying patients for a while.

“You good?”

Yixing opens his eyes. Minseok is smiling at him, his genuine, lopsided smile, and Yixing can't help but smile to see it. It suddenly strikes him that he can’t even remember the last time he saw the ED chief smile like this.

“It’s just nice to sit down and relax,” he replies.

“Did Songmi give you a curfew?”

Yixing shakes his head. “She actually texted me just before and told me that if I got wasted she’d come pick me up." He laughs a little. "She seemed really happy I was going out.”

“You planning on getting wasted?” Minseok asks, grinning.

“No,” Yixing says. “I’m not on call, but I’d rather avoid a hangover.”

“The thirties is where it all starts to go downhill,” Minseok says. Yixing nods ruefully. He can’t bounce back from excessive drinking the way he used to either.

“How’s life been for you these days?” he asks.

“I watched Nayoung play soccer again this weekend,” Minseok says. Yixing feels his eyes widen a little. It’s not that Minseok doesn’t ever talk about his daughters, but actually unchaining himself from the ED long enough to watch a soccer match is something Yixing wouldn’t have imagined.

“Did they win?” he asks.

Minseok shakes his head. “They’re getting to the top of their league division so the teams were pretty evenly matched, but Nayoung’s team ended up losing 5 to 3. She scored two of their goals, though. She plays striker.” He laughs. “I probably sound like the typical doting parent, but she is actually pretty talented.”

“You used to play soccer in university,” Yixing remembers.

Minseok’s eyes soften and go distant. “Yes. Gosh, it’s been a long time. I used to live for soccer.”

“Nayoung must take after you,” Yixing says, and Minseok’s genuine smile shows itself again.

Their conversation continues around Nayoung’s soccer for a few minutes before Yixing scrapes the name of Minseok’s younger daughter out of his memory and asks about her, and Minseok tells him that Eunbi has been practicing for an upcoming audition for the city youth orchestra. As Minseok’s pride for his girls shines through his eyes, Yixing’s own desire to have a family makes itself known. It’s so strong it’s actually painful, a longing ache in his heart. He wants children to be proud of, to talk about, to love so much that he can’t stop talking about all the little details they do. He tries to keep smiling, keep the sadness out of his face, but it seems Minseok knows him too well, because he stops a few seconds into his next story.

“Yixing, what is it?” he asks. “What’s making you look so sad?”

Yixing takes a sip of his beer to delay having to respond. He doesn’t know what to say. Does he admit to his problems and weigh the evening down with a heavy topic, or does he brush his friend off? He puts his beer down and glances over his shoulder towards the bar, wishing he could delay further by buying a second round, but both of them are only half-way through their first.

Oh, well. They’ll drink them anyway. Yixing stands up. “I’ll get the next round,” he says, not waiting for Minseok’s response. He fights his way to the bar and orders two beers and as he hangs around, waiting for the bartender to pop the bottles open, he looks back towards their table and makes a decision. Minseok has been a friend for years, and Yixing knows he can trust him. When he returns, he places the beers in the middle of the table and sits down. Minseok looks at him with a question in his eyes.

“I’ve been struggling a little recently,” Yixing admits. He a fingernail up one of the new glasses of beer, tracing a trail in the condensation. “Songmi and I have been trying to start a family since last year. A couple of months ago we went to a fertility clinic, and it turns out I have azoospermia. It was a pretty hard blow.”

“Oh, no.” Minseok’s voice is gentle, compassionate. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Yixing doesn’t really know how to respond. Nothing feels appropriate. “It ,” he says eventually.

Minseok spins his glass between his hands. “Have you and Songmi thought about IVF?”

Yixing sends him a look over the table, but Minseok doesn’t back down, looking back at him steadily. Yixing sighs. He needs to get over this touchiness. Minseok isn’t out to get him. He’s trying to help.

“We discussed it a little. Songmi is keen to try it, but...I didn’t react all that well to the idea,” he admits. “I find something about it really distressing. I guess I'm pretty messed up about the whole thing."

"What is it about IVF that bothers you?" Minseok wants to know.

Yixing bites his lip as he tries to figure it out himself. "I think it’s partly because I hate that I’m the problem, but Songmi will be the one suffering hormone treatment.”

“Pregnancy isn’t easy on women regardless of how they conceive," Minseok points out.

“I know,” Yixing sighs. There’s a short silence while they both drink. Then Minseok says carefully, “Yixing, that's not really the main problem, it it? There's something else.”

Yixing stares into space, seeing nothing. It’s so hard to track down how he really feels. Everything just wants to tangle together into a big messy ball that he can shove away and refuse to think about, but already came to the decision that he can’t do that anymore.

“Maybe...maybe it’s because I care so much,” he tries. The words feel right when he says them aloud, so he chases the thread down. “I want kids so much. I want it to work so bad. I was so crushed when we found out, and if I put my hopes in IVF and it doesn’t work…” he swallows as the devastation he'd felt on learning of his infertility comes back to him. “If it fails, it will really be the end. I don’t know if I can go through that again.”

“I can understand why you’d feel like that,” Minseok says. He’s gone very serious, staring into Yixing’s eyes with such focus that Yixing suddenly feels like his friend is reading right into his soul. “But you really want to have children. Are you going to let your fears take the chance away from you?”

Yixing feels shivery, almost sick, as he realises Minseok is right. He is afraid. He’s afraid of being hurt again, but his own fear is taking away his chance of happiness - and not just his chance, it’s taking Songmi’s too.

Minseok reaches across the table to place his hand on top of Yixing’s. It’s warm, firm over his, and Yixing looks up to meet Minseok’s concerned gaze.

“Yixing?”

“You’re right,” Yixing says. “I know you’re right.” His hands are freezing.

Minseok taps his fingers gently on the back of his hand. Yixing watches, focusing on the sensation. He can feel himself detatching from the conversation, drifting away in his wandering thoughts. He wonders at how different Minseok seems. Gone is the man who would spend weeks at a time sleeping in call rooms, permanently distracted and caring only about his work. This is more like the Minseok he knew back in junior residency, and his mind starts wandering the pathways of his memories of those times, new to Korea, how lonely and isolated he'd felt at first, trying to learn the language and adjust to a different culture as well as learn his profession, and how meeting Songmi had changed everything, balanced the innate melancholy that has always laid just below the surface with Yixing.

After a few minutes of this, Minseok withdraws his hand and calls his name. When Yixing drags himself back into the present and blinks at him, Minseok gives him an understanding smile and says they should drink their beers before the second round Yixing bought in advance goes warm. Yixing nods and slides his glass towards him. Now that he finally understands why he's been feeling so stressed about IVF, it's like a weight has been lifted from his chest. He is scared, but knowing why means he can work on dealing with it. Maybe he can talk to Songmi about it tonight.

“How was Jangmi when she was pregnant?” he asks. Minseok leans back in his chair, eyes going distant as he remembers.

“She was very emotional with our first,” he says. “So many explosive emotions. She was funny, too, especially when she could feel the baby move. Every time she felt a kick she’d squeal or jump.”

“Nayoung must have been already gearing up to be a soccer star,” Yixing laughs, but his laughter dies when Minseok’s face suddenly goes empty. Yixing can practically see the shutters going down in his eyes, the new-found openness retreating. He frowns and leans forward to touch Minseok’s arm. He would have thought he’d said something wrong, but he can’t see how anything he’s just said could be offensive or hurtful.

“Minseok?” he asks, tugging his friend’s sleeve. He wants to get his friend back from whatever thoughts are making him look like that. “Did I say something wrong?”

Minseok shakes his head. “It’s nothing you said,” he says, but the hollow look in his eyes doesn't retreat. Yixing lets go of his sleeve and sits back, confused. There’s silence between them for thirty seconds before Minseok finally speaks again. “I wasn’t talking about Nayoung. She wasn’t our first.”

Yixing stares. He knows Minseok only has two daughters. Did they have a miscarriage? But there is so much hurt in Minseok’s eyes, surely more than from a lost pregnancy that would have to be more than ten years ago. He wonders if he should change the subject, get the conversation back onto safer grounds, but maybe he should offer to listen to Minseok the same way Minseok listened to him. He tries to find the right words, but he doesn’t have to. Minseok continues on his own, speaking in a small voice.

“We had a son before Nayoung. He...” There’s another brief pause and Yixing watches, horrified, as Minseok’s blank facade cracks and his eyes rapidly fill with tears. “He passed away in an accident when he was five.”

. Yixing has no idea how he could not have known this, but Minseok’s grief is so raw before him Yixing can feel it himself. He drags his chair around the table so he can pull him into a hug.

“We don’t have to talk about it if -”

“I couldn’t save him. I’m an emergency physician and I couldn’t save my own son.”

Yixing feels helpless as he hugs Minseok tighter, feeling him shake as he tries to control his tears. I’m sorry or my condolences doesn’t feel like it’s nearly enough. He tries to fit the pieces together. Minseok had already been married when they met during Yixing’s exchange year, but he doesn’t remember Minseok having kids back then. His son must have b