seulgi stays in a trance on the trip home, fingers tracing her lips absentmindedly as the traincar rattles. she swears she can still feel the warm press of liptint-sticky lips, the dangerous flash of irene’s eyes looking up at her still lingering.

 

it might have just been the faint kitchen light seeping through the door, but the glint in irene’s eyes as she fell back felt familiar - it’s the same glint that accompanies her smirk when she’s roped seulgi into yet another scheme, self-satisfied and fully aware of her allure. 

 

she’s seen it in action countless times, beginning when she’d somehow become a fixture at irene’s lunch table in high school. 

 

irene stares appraisingly at the laptop screen in front of her, finger tapping slowly against her chin. seulgi sits next to her, fingers fidgeting in her lap as she watches irene’s brows quirk up every other sentence.

 

they’d spent a week together after school writing irene’s admission essay, irene popping her head into seulgi’s homeroom at 3:30 on the dot with a smile and a ‘c’mon, seulgi!’. she feels like she’s going to die of embarrassment every time, cheeks hot as she shuffles to the door as her classmates whisper, allowing irene to drag her to some overpriced café. 

 

(‘how’d kang seulgi become friends with joohyun sunbae?’

 

‘do you think seulgi would introduce me to her?’                       

 

‘, she’s pretty…’)

 

irene never seems to pay any mind to the attention, always walking as if crowds parting for her were nothing, gaze forward and unwavering. 

 

in fact, ‘forward and unwavering’ pretty much summed her up entirely. she was engaging but wasn’t talkative; direct, but never assuming; clever, but not to the point of arrogance. she’d listen as seulgi explained a word or phrase, eyes fixed on her as she spoke, only reacting once she’d finished speaking. every action was filled with purpose, and every word she uttered was sure.

 

“...it’s good.”

 

seulgi’s head shoots up, “sorry?”

 

“no, it’s great.” irene turns her face towards seulgi, a corner of curving up slightly, “you did well, seulgom. thanks again for the help.”

 

she can’t help but duck her head a little, cheeks flaring up immediately, “ah, it was no trouble, really. I had fun, sunbae.”

 

irene tsks, “honestly, seulgi. I thought we were friends by now. are you really going to break your unnie’s heart like that?”

 

seulgi can feel her mind going blank. friends? with bae joohyun?

 

“sorry?”

 

the senior pouts, “call me unnie, dumb dumb. even better, call me irene. it can’t catch on if no one’s saying it.” 

 

“oh. okay… irene unnie?” her voice goes up like it’s a question, and irene’s wide smile feels like an answer.

 

“you’re too cute for your own good, kid. also, sit with me at lunch.” the request feels like a command, and seulgi feels herself nodding instinctually.

 

“cool. eating’s not the same when you’re not chewing with your mouth open in front of me.” irene leans over to poke her in the cheek, “anyway. come up to my homeroom when lunch starts. picking you up is so tiring.”

 

“okay, unnie.”

 

irene gives her a little wink, and seulgi feels her heart stutter.

 

“thanks, seulgom.”

 

seulgi ruffles her hair frustratedly, glaring at a scuff on the floor in front of her. 

 

she’s used to the switch between irene and joohyun - her way of naming the personas the brunette embodied. irene was calculating; charismatic; unapproachable. she had an aura that permeated the space around her - intimidating yet inviting, like she was challenging you to try and surpass it. 

 

and boy did people try. 

 

when seulgi had agreed to become irene’s friend, she hadn’t realised that meant agreeing to the stream of students swarming them: girls from irene’s class would descend around her desk at lunch, trying to get a compliment or even a second of attention; boys would approach seulgi as she made her way to irene’s homeroom, handing her sweets and chips and gifts - all meant for irene. she’d enter the class with her arms filled with presents, and irene would always give her the same apologetic smile and a ‘take what you want, seulgi’. 

 

and in the eye of the storm, irene just smiles; a quiet, almost mischievous smile that has no right to shine so brightly, but does anyway. seulgi often finds herself feeling like a planet facing a star, revolving slowly in its warmth. she watches as boy after boy flings themselves towards her, too blinded to recognise themselves burning up when they get too close.

 

joohyun only appears in the briefest, quietest moments. seulgi gets glimpses of her when hyun is tired or unusually happy. she sees it in the toothy, lopsided smile joohyun gives her when she’s won rock paper scissors, or when she successfully shoves her credit card onto the bill quicker than seulgi can. she sees it most often when they’re alone together; when joohyun’s shoulders slump slightly, no longer in their fixed, regal position. she’ll let her head droop onto seulgi’s shoulder as she browses on netflix, curling her hand around her arm. it’s the only time she’ll see even a trace of pain or struggle on her porcelain face, as joohyun gives her a small, sad smile, before heckling her for her poor taste in romcoms. 

 

despite all that, seulgi isn’t sure which one had kissed her yesterday. irene has always been a flirt; generous with her compliments and skinship. it took a week before she stopped flinching when irene’s hands would reach for her, pulling her closer as she talks passionately about something that flew over seulgi’s head. it took another month before she grew less stiff when the senior would link arms with her or hug her when she was cold. 

 

but her heart never failed to stutter when joohyun turns and smiles at her, toothy and a little lopsided, eyes curving up. damn joohyun and her stupid perfect face. 

 

so when she'd surged up to kiss seulgi... well. needless to say, her mind went blank completely. she’d stared at the small lump on the bed for a long, silent minute as it rose and fell with joohyun’s quiet breaths. she’s still not sure how she got herself onto this train, stumbling out of the apartment and shuffling her way to the station. it’s probably a small miracle she didn’t get accosted by a drunkard. 

 

“stupid. I’m so ing stupid.” she smacks herself lightly on the head, glancing at the screen, “...aaaand I missed my stop. great.”

---

the rest of her trip is a blur, vaguely in the order of:
 

1. she gets off the midnight train, going anywhere

2. she weaves through the vast, unnecessarily complicated snu campus

3. she shucks off her converse, to the deafening silence of roommates with lives and plans

4. and eventually falls into bed, dead to the world.

 

she wakes up to the sun in her face, squinting as she rolls away from its rays. it takes a minute for her brain to start up, cottonmouthed and weirdly sore. her arm stretches out towards her counter, patting its surface till she eventually finds her phone. she swings her hand to her face, narrowly avoiding it smacking her forehead. 

 

“11:57. yay.” she scrolls through the notifications on her lockscreen, searching for a message from irene. as she’d expected, she finds nothing. 

 

“typical.” seulgi huffs, blowing her hair out of her face. swinging her legs off of the bed, she shuffles to the bathroom, grumbling. “thanks for getting me home, seulgi. sorry for dragging you out of bed, seulgi. I owe you one, seulgi.” she smiles fakely at the mirror, “aww, thanks hyun. god. I’m the for going.” 

 

she straightens, putting her hands on her hips, “whatever. it’s fine! it’s great! I’m chill. I don’t care at all.”

---

“...but you really do though.”

 

seulgi sighs through her nose, head thumping against the counter, “I really do.”

 

seungwan glances at her sympathetically, nudging her to get up. she complies, staring blankly at her locked phone screen, which has yet to light up with a text from joohyun.

 

“it is the weekend, and you said she got hammered.” seungwan shrugs a shoulder as she mixes cookie dough in a bowl, “maybe she hasn’t woken up yet.”

 

seulgi gives her a dead-eyed stare, and they both look at the clock propped up on the counter, ticking past 14:46. 

 

“okay, so she’s probably woken up and is ghosting you. but she’s not the greatest at communicating. give her the benefit of the doubt?”

 

“but I hate waiting.” seulgi whines, kicking her feet against the counter, “and may I remind you that she kissed me?”

 

“yes, yes, you mentioned it.” seungwan replies distractedly, peering at a bottle in each hand, “vanilla or chocolate?”

 

“chocolate. what do you think I should do? confront her? forget about it? wait till she brings it up? she was pretty ed last night… I don’t want to confuse straight girl antics for something, like, romantic, y’know?” she can feel her cheeks reddening, even as seungwan bursts out laughing, covering as she attempts to control her sputtering coughs.

 

“you think irene’s straight? that’s really cute, seulgi.” 

 

she makes offended noises, cheeks on fire now, “haven’t you seen her? she’s so…” she gestures vaguely, “her. and I’m so… me.” 

 

“gay? we know, seul.” seungwan just stares at her fondly, “and do you not remember hyunjoo sunbae? it was like, an open secret they dated for a bit.” 

 

“hyun… joo?” seulgi gets a brief recollection - a flash of feline-sharp eyes and a confident smirk, attached to one of the sunbaes that hung around joohyun. she remembers the side-eyed glares and constant rolling of her eyes whenever seulgi spoke. she also remembers the relief she felt when hyunjoo seemed to disappear a week later. 

 

“oh. oh?”

 

“yeah, dude. did you not catch on, like, at all? pretty sure they broke up ‘cause hyunjoo was jealous of you and joohyun got tired of it.” 

 

“yeah?” seulgi’s voice cracks a little. that’s new. 

 

seungwan just shakes her head. “tsk, tsk. 8 years, and I still get surprised by how dense you are. anyway, irene texted you.”

 

seulgi sputters, scrambling to grab her phone. 

 

her royal highness

thanks for getting me home yesterday <3 - 14:48

 

she just stares, a little scoff escaping . seungwan shuffles over to her side of the counter, peering over her shoulder. 

 

“mmhmm. just enough of an acknowledgment that you can’t be annoyed, but not enough that you can figure out what she’s feeling. classic irene.”

 

seulgi turns to give her a look, “thank you for the insight, professor son. so what do I do from here?”

 

seungwan squints, pulling on an invisible goatee as she contemplates, “the fine art of the push and pull is something I am not well versed in. why not just hit her with the ‘yesterday was fun. let’s do that again. haha… unless?’”

 

“you’re useless.” 

 

“says the useless lesbian.”

 

“ it. I can’t do this coy bull.” seulgi picks up the phone, tapping in her reply and sending before she can change her mind.

 

seulgom 🧸

how much do you remember from last night?

 

she ignores seungwan’s nagging, intently watching as the ‘1’ beside her message disappears. there’s a long beat before the reply comes.

 

her royal highness

lol good afternoon to you too

not much but I’m here and jennie’s not so I’m guessing you got me home

 

seungwan tsks, “deflecting and over-explaining. seems a little sus to me, chief.”

 

seulgi rubs her lips, contemplating, “she threw up… there’s no way she didn’t sober up after that. right. right?” 

 

“it’s pretty unlikely, yeah. so it really comes down to - is she lying because: a) she regrets it, b) she thinks you didn’t like it, or c) she’s embarrassed?” 

 

seulgi recalls the smug smile on irene’s face as she fell back onto the bed, eyes glinting in the dark. regret, embarrassment… none of those things were in irene’s vocabulary. 

 

but what if she did regret it? what are you going to do then?

 

“...I can’t risk it.”

 

 “can’t risk what?”

 

“her. this.” she points down to her phone, her chat background with irene beside the han river a persistent needle under her fingertips. “if she wants to forget it, I can do that. I’m not risking our friendship just because I happened to get butterflies from a kiss. everyone does! that’s the point of a kiss!”

 

seungwan gives her a look with such pity, and seulgi has to look away, grasping at her phone to ignore the pang in her chest. 

 

feelings are like bubbles. they shine, and then they pop. that’s all this was. bubbles.

 

her royal highness

?

did I do something

hey

seulgom

seulgi?

I’m going over.

 

“. I left her on read.” 

 

“what?” seungwan looks over, “. do you want me to leave?” 

 

seulgi gnaws her lip, fingers drumming the counter, “just. stay till the cookies are done?”

 

seungwan gives an exasperated laugh, returning to her bowl, “even in times of crisis, you can’t give up on sugar, huh?”

 

the swimmer forces out a laugh, shrugging, “you know me.”

 

she stays perched on her stool as her friend finishes up, leg bouncing as she resists the urge to pace. seungwan leaves her alone, mostly throwing glances and sighing. 

 

seulgi breaks out of her trance when the timer dings, finally noticing the smell of chocolate wafting from the oven as seungwan rubs her mitted hands together, carefully pulling out the tray. 

 

“these look amazing, wan. thank you.” 

 

“of course. did you w-” there’s a series of sharp, fast knocks on the door, and they both look to each other, panicked.

 

“seulgi? kang seulgi? open up!”

 

“I think you should get that.”

 

“.” seulgi stands up shakily, approaching the door as irene raps it again, “one sec!”

 

she unlocks the door and pushes it open slowly, revealing a harried irene, slightly out of breath. 

 

“so you are here. I thought you got kidnapped or something, leaving me on read like that.” she slips past seulgi, a hand grazing her side as she passes. seulgi stiffens, even as irene continues her tirade.

 

“at least give me a ㅇㅇ or ‘aight’ or something if you’re-” irene stops as she sees seungwan at the kitchen counter, “oh. hey.”

 

seungwan falters, sinking into a bow, narrowly missing the countertop, “hello, sunbaenim.”

 

“I’ve told you, there’s no need for that. just irene is fine.” even with her back turned, seulgi can visualise the thin, polite smile on irene’s face, “I guess I’m intruding. sorry about that. I’ll leave.”

 

“no, no! I was just about to leave. please, take your time.” seungwan gathers her belongings in record time, picking a cookie off the tray as she breezes past irene and seulgi, bowing as she went, “it was nice seeing you, irene sunbae. see you, seul. enjoy the cookies! good luck.” 

 

she whispers the last two words into seulgi’s ear before popping the cookie into and closing the door behind her quickly. the flat falls into silence as the door clicks, beeping as the lock falls into place. a moment passes. then another. seulgi just stands, hand still grasping the door as she watches irene’s back. 

 

the senior finally straightens, setting down her bags lightly before turning to seulgi with a convincing smile, only betrayed by the tightness around her eyes.

 

“I see why you were too busy to message me back. sorry if I interrupted… something.” she an eyebrow suggestively. 

 

seulgi laughs nervously, shoving her hands into pockets, “ha, nothing like that. I just bullied seungwan into baking me some cookies while we talked about, uhm, stuff.” 

 

irene leans back onto the counter, deceptively casual as she looks seulgi up and down. seulgi gulps, face hot as irene’s gaze trails slowly, noting her crumpled shirt from yesterday that she hadn’t yet changed out of and the wisps of hair falling out of a hastily tied bun. her gaze finally lands on her lips, dry and a little bruised from all the lip biting she’s been doing. her eyes flick up to meet hers, and seulgi tries her best to maintain eye contact as irene seems to search for answers she’s not sure she can give. 

 

“I dunno,” irene drawls, “looks an awful lot like a morning after to me.”

 

“you know seungwan and I aren’t like that.”

 

the senior gives another pressing stare, head tilting while seulgi resists the urge to sigh at the gears she can practically see turning in irene’s head. seulgi strides past her to the counter, feeling irene’s gaze follow her intently. 

 

“you’re free to believe whatever you want, joohyun. I was too busy dragging you into bed last night to do anything else. cookie?” she pries one off the parchment, offering it up towards her.

 

the hint of disbelief dancing across joohyun’s face remains, but the furrow between her eyebrows slowly smooths over as a mischievous smirk grows in its place. she leans over the counter, taking a bite straight out of her hand, winking as she drags her tongue over , chasing the crumbs off her lips. 

 

“if you say so.” she hums, seemingly ignorant to the mini heart attack seulgi’s experiencing. “mm, these are amazing. tell seungwan to open a bakery.”

 

 “she says hobbies shouldn’t have to turn into profit.” seulgi rattles off seungwan’s incessant mantra mindlessly as her eyes follow irene’s tongue darting out every so often. she can’t help but her own chapped lips, mouth uncomfortably dry. she clears , scooting around the brunette to pour herself a glass of water. 

 

“wise words. well, if she’s ever looking for a backer, let her know I can turn her into the next mrs fields.”

 

“ok, you capitalist.” 

 

irene sniffs, “you can do better than that.” 

 

seulgi scoffs, setting down her glass,  “sorry my comebacks are . I got jack sleep because of your drunk .”

 

“aww, I’m sorry you didn’t get your beauty sleep. want me to kiss it better?” irene pouts mockingly, reaching out to pinch a cheek. seulgi swats her hand away, instinctively taking a step back. irene pauses, hurt frown surfacing briefly before being replaced with a more concerned pout. 

 

“I’m sorry, seul.” she needles, “I just really needed to let out some steam and I went too far. I’ll make it up to you. promise?”

 

“how?”

 

“well, if you were paying attention, you would’ve noticed I brought your favourite honey steamed buns.” she motions to the paper bag at her feet, ‘little monster cart’ stamped onto its side. 

 

“I was planning on bringing this over as a thank you and acting all nonchalant about it,” she begins, eyes pointedly staring out the window, “but then you disappeared on me and my hungover overreacted, so. I guess this is a sorry?” 

 

seulgi looks up at the ceiling, trying to ignore the puppy eyes irene is definitely sending her way, arms tightly crossed. 

 

god, where’s your backbone? she scolds herself, even as her stomach rumbles, betraying the fact she hadn’t yet eaten. she hears irene chuckle, quickly followed by rustling and the distinctive smell of sugar.

 

“come on, seul,” irene taunts her, tone sing-songy and light, “don’t you want to bite into that hot, soft, gooey deliciousness? straight off of the griddle right into your mouth?” 

 

seulgi can’t help but flicker her gaze downwards, where irene’s pressed a bun right up against her nose, eyes wide and doe-like, even as the corner of her lip tugs in a valiant effort to stifle her laughter. 

 

“you’re awful. you know that?” 

 

“and you love that about me. now eat!” seulgi’s retort gets muffled by the bun as irene shoves it into , cackling at the way seulgi’s eyes widen, “wow, you look like a pufferfish.”

 

all seulgi can muster is a half-hearted push at her shoulder, which irene gives in to easily, laughing too hard to fight back. 

 

and sure. maybe she shouldn’t have given in so easily. but watching joohyun giggle, even as she leans forward to wipe the crumbs from seulgi’s mouth - she can’t help the way her breath catches, heart and mind utterly bereft of any anger or resentment for the girl in front of her.

 

(and it is joohyun, not irene, that stands before her now. even if irene would cajole and , put her into ridiculous and embarrassing situations, leaving her sputtering and confused because “your face is priceless, seul!”… when everyone has left and the pretense falls alway - it’s joohyun who cleans up the aftermath, smiling oh so gently with half-moon eyes and a fondness that makes seulgi feel like she could touch the stars.)

 

so she decides that it was irene that night, ever-mischievous and scheming, who decided to put seulgi off-kilter in her final waking moments. because if it were joohyun… 

 

well. it never would be.