NB: This is a SinRin story Feat. other members. PLEASE DON'T FORGET WHILE READING: IT IS A FICTION - IT IS NOT AN INTERPRETATION/PREDICTION OR WHATSOEVER. 

SinB P.O.V. 

The fans know well that you - Jung Yerin - are my princess. We have built something so strong together during the last 6 years.  I know you have suffered because of me. I mean I kept rejecting you but I am sure you can understand that I am not the tactile type. You even dared confess that you liked biting me! Do you know how much it hurts? If only, I would have realized what you were trying to convey through this atypical affection of yours. I miss it now - I miss all of it. 

Following May 2021, I tried to contact you several times. I know it wasn’t really the moment since we were all lost and wondering about our future. To be honest, I needed to reflect on myself as well. So, I really didn’t care that we couldn’t text nor see each other. Then, we eventually all settled down and the group chat was back and full with our usual chitchatting - from all the six of us. I would still upload funny memes and everyone would react. You were kinda slow and late but it didn’t matter. You weren’t a person often on the phone and I guess you were busy. Busy is also the reason you gave when I privately messaged you to meet and that you apologetically declined.

« Hello unnie, how are you? » 

« Hi Hwang Eunbi, I am well and you? »

« Good do you want to meet? It has been a while. » 

« I know but I can’t for now - all my schedule is pack. Another time alright? »

« Sure. » 

That was what we have been sending to each other for weeks. I tried to call you but there is only much we can say when our conversation only last several minutes. It felt good to hear your voice though. You did sound husky and sometimes emotionless though. 

It is sad but also delightful that we finally got to see each other during our stylist wedding. The six of us finally reunited. I heard from Yewon afterward that you cried as soon as our song started. We were all emotional but being yourself, you were the only one who failed to hide it. Sowon unnie then offered to celebrate with a drink - which was unofficially the best way to also drown our sorrow and open wounds. Yet, we were just so happy to be together that even the painful end couldn’t tarnish it. As usual, we playfully made fun of Eunha unnie and Yuju unnie remained true to her weird-self by spitting out candies on your hands. You made us laugh by throwing them on the floor. It is too bad Yewon couldn’t attend but what I regretted as well is not having got the time to speak with you. I mean we did have the chance but in our drunk self there was no way we could have had a serious conversation. It was ok as I was immensely happy to see all of us together and I thought it would only be the beginning of more encounters. And indeed, we did have other chances … it is just that you took none of them. It was like you weren’t even trying. 

Sowon unnie visited Viviz dorm several times - even Yuju unnie came once. There was one time during which they both came and slept with us. While you, you said you couldn’t because of your schedule. 

I was hurt when I saw your instagram post showing you hanging with some new idol friends you made. So you could find time for them but not for me? You always said that I was special - were you just joking? 

One day, you gave me hope as you finally accepted to meet at the dorm. I was so excited that Yewon eyed me as if I were crazy. I didn’t tell her you were coming. That would have been a surprise for her. 

Hopefully Yewon didn’t have to feel disappointed since you texted me right before the time you were supposed to arrive: 

« TtinB, I am sorry I can’t make it. I have this event I should attend with my company. I will send you a present to apologize. » 

I really wanted to call you and yell at you. All the presents you have sent me … I couldn’t stand them anymore. Did you really think you could make up for all the opportunities you have missed with gifts? I left your message unanswered but I guess you were too busy to care. 

Just like for the past months, you kept sending me the daily « hello, how are you? » text message. Sometimes I would leave it unanswered but you will keep on sending it no matter what. Was it an automatic message? Was it an app you found to pretend you cared? When I would reply with the usual « I am well thanks and you? » -  sometimes you would reply sometimes not. But still you would ask about me the day after. 

One day I dared asking you:

« Why do you never invite me to your place? » 

« I decided that to be fair with everyone I would invite nobody. Otherwise, it would mean invite everyone and I know I wouldn’t have time. » 

« Yet, Sowon unnie came at your place once. You even posted it on instagram. » - I couldn’t forget as I had been envious of her - ever since. 

« It was back then and under certain circumstances. Don’t worry TtinB, we will meet again. »

I didn’t want to start thinking about what kind of circumstances you were referring to. Because my angry self would only come up with conclusion that you were considering our leader as someone special - someone I was not in your eyes. 

I was hurt - really hurt. The worst is that I wasn’t even sure you were aware of it.

So Jung Yerin I had no choice but to forget about you. 

At the beginning, it was only Yewon and I in Viviz dorm as Eunha unnie was still undecided on to when moving in. With you off my mind, I realized that I was acting like Yewon and I were a married couple. 

« Wow Eunbi you brought some bread. Thank you for that. » - Yewon replied as she saw the package in my hand. 

At least, there was someone who was considering my effort. I am not sure why I was behaving like this with her now. I was really treating her like a princess - even though you were supposed to be the one I call like this. But anyway, Yewon and I had other nicknames for each other so it wasn’t the goal.

And Yewon wasn’t aware that I was surely behaving all caring and loving due to how hard I was trying to forget you Jung Yerin. 

And I swore I tried but it was hard when you were still sending me text messages everyday. So much that there wasn’t a day I wouldn’t think about you. Weirdly, you got a little bit creative with your texts and you kept sending me gifts to our dorm. This time however I was the one who would cut the conversation short and at some points I wasn’t opening your gifts anymore. I let Yewon deal with that. 

Then Viviz unit finally debuted and I became busy like you. There were some days I was too busy to even look at my phone. Yet, you kept messaging me. Surprisingly, your messages became very long and detailed. At some point, I really felt like reading your diary. 

« Hello TtinB, I hope that you are well. Do you remember the time we argued about whether the duck in Europe was a duck or a swan. You were really a pabo or was I? I don’t remember. Maybe it was me - you know unnie is a pabo. But you still love me for who I am, right? Unnie would sleep well knowing Dindin loves her. » 

It was really unexpected to read that but you kept writing similar messages:

« You know TtinB, I always thought I would have time… time to make up for the packed months. But at the same time I don’t regret it because I needed to be busy at the beginning. » 

I really didn’t understand what you were trying to say. So, I remained non-receptive. I didn’t have much time anymore anyway. The weeks passed and your messages were still sent on a daily basis. 

« Eunbi, can we meet? » - I received from you one day. 

« I am sorry I don’t have time on my schedule. » - I sent you back and it was only the truth.

« It is very important. » 

« Viviz comeback is near. Got to finish writing the lyrics for the last song. So I am stuck at the dorm alone. » - I disclosed. 

You never replied to my message but I was too busy to notice it. Then I heard the doorbell. Yewon and Eunha unnie wouldn’t be ringing - they knew how focused on the lyrics task I was. 

I was really shocked when I opened up the door and saw your face. You seemed different - paler and thinner - but it has been months since I have physically seen you and that would explain it I guess. 

« Hello Eunbi. » - You said with a husky voice but it was still the tender soft voice I knew well. 

I felt like you were embarrassed as if you were aware that you messed up badly by only seeing me now. It was awkward - I was still shocked and you were unexpectedly shy. Or that was what I thought.

« Hello … please go in. » - I eventually responded while opening the door for you. 

You scanned the dorm as you were discovering it for the first time. Then I brought us tea as I joined you in the living room. 

« Nice dorm it reminds me of when we used to live altogether. I miss it sometimes. It must feel good to live with … » 

Now was really not the time to talk about memories because I had lyrics to write. It was really a bad timing. But you said it was important so I cut you to get to the point:

« Why did you want to see me? You said it was important. » - I asked and I didn’t notice my emotionless face.

You stopped talking and you looked at me for a second. You wanted to say something but it is like it was stuck in your throat for seconds. Then you cracked a smile - a sad one and your eyes started to shine as you eventually responded:

« I just miss you. »

I didn’t hesitate a second: 

« You miss me? But you never cared Yerin! And that ever since we joined different agencies. So I don’t think you should be the one crying. Didn’t you notice how my blind-by-love-self was trying while you … you never did. You never tried! » 

I didn’t even notice that I low-key confessed to you. My tone was so harsh and angry. I even dropped the formality but I was genuinely outraged.

Surprisingly, you stayed calm. Despite the tears rolling down on your cheeks, you smiled at me. It was the saddest smile but it was at the same time very beautiful. You have always been beautiful - even under that weak and vulnerable state of yours - you were still as pretty as a princess. But right now it didn’t matter and you eventually broke the silence:

« I know and I guess this will remain my biggest regret. » 

I was confused now. I didn’t understand: do you regret that I love you more than I should or do you regret not having accepted my love? So many conflicting thoughts were fighting inside my head. Yet,  despite all the hidden questions and words  - you could only see my emotionless face. You slowly stood up from the sofa and I unconsciously did too. I silently followed you towards the doorway.

« Good luck with the comeback and thank you again Eunbi. I only got the strength to see you but I am glad I managed to do it. I am sorry for not having tried. » - Those were the last words you said full of emotions and with tears in your eyes. But your poignant smile never left and it disappeared at the same time as you did. 

If I weren’t so busy with the lyrics task, I would have noticed how your departure left a big blank space. I felt empty under that layer of confusion. 

Life went on. Yet, I was still haunted by your words. Weirdly, you weren’t texting me anymore. There was no more instagram post from you to like and comment. 

« When was the last time Yerin unnie posted something? » - I asked Eunha unnie.

« Hum good question - all that I know is that it has been a while. Probably weeks. » 

« Even on the kakaotalk group chat, she didn’t react nor post for weeks. Maybe Sowon unnie knows better? » - Yewon added.

Following the advice, I called our oldest member and my worries increased when she responded:

« She didn’t reply to the text I sent her last week. She must busy. » - What could be so important that you wouldn’t even reply to her - someone special to your eyes from what I understood. 

« Yuju replied the same - I just asked her. » - Eunha unnie added.

I asked everyone when was the last time they have seen you and I was surprised when I realized I was the last person you saw. Suddenly Sowon unnie started a video call and put her leader-mode on - which is not an appropriate metaphor as she was naturally like that.

« Alright girls - don’t worry I will investigate during the night. Good night everyone. »  - Her tone was calm but I could see the worries in her eyes.

Still, I complied and went to bed knowing she would deal with it. 

But again, I was unconsciously fearing the worst. 

« Thank you again Eunbi, I only got the strength to see you but I am glad I managed to do it. I am sorry for not having tried. »

Your last words - why did they sound like a goodbye?

I woke up the next morning and both Yewon and Eunha unnie were at my side. They were crying and I suddenly felt weak. It was the worst feeling ever because these were not tears of joy on their faces.

I am pretty sure I turned as pale as a blank paper. 

« Yerin unnie … she is gone. » - Yewon announced between sobs and tears were already rolling on my cheeks.

I couldn’t speak - my throat was blocked. The tremendous pain which took over me - that tsunami of sadness - I couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want to believe it so I dialed your name on internet. Dozens of newspapers appeared and they all had the painful titles: « Former Gfriend Yerin passed away ». Although circumstances were still obscure - some mentioned the terrible s-word.

I just couldn’t believe it. Why would you do such thing? If you felt bad like this - you would have told me! Then I remembered our last encounter. You had something important to tell me. Yet, you never told me. I have a lot of regrets about that. Is it because of me? Have I killed you Jung Yerin? 

But you would have at least told the members, right? You would have at least told Sowon unnie. Why didn’t you ask for help? Why didn’t you try? Can I really ask those questions …. am I that heartless to think it would be that easy?  Maybe you tried and I was the one who didn’t listen - who didn’t even try to save you. 

« I always tell myself I would make my members laugh. That’s my daily goal. »

I remember you say that one day and I know it wasn’t just because we were on T.V. You were really our ball of sunshine. Is this why you didn't ask for help? Yet, you came to my place surely for that.

I destroyed everything at the end - how can I forgive myself? 

I suddenly got a headache and I opened my eyes. I was surprised to see my room’s ceiling. It was 3 am and I had tears on my face. So it was a nightmare! The most painful one but now there was still hope that you were alive. I went to the kitchen to drink some water. I looked at our group chat - Sowon unnie didn’t post anything. I looked at the private message I sent you last night and that was left unanswered. I lost patience so I tried calling you. I repeated the call at least five times and each time it was in vain. 

« PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE! » - I angrily slammed my glass on the table - completely disregarding the fact that I wasn't alone in the dorm. 

I was crying thinking about that damn nightmare. I just wished it wouldn’t be a premonition.

« SinB? » - A small voice called my name. I turned around and saw Eunha unnie still tired from the look in her eyes. 

She asked me why I wasn’t sleeping and I told her about the nightmare. I had to … it was too huge for me to bear alone. Her face became alarmed and it was really unusual to see her like this.

« And you? Why aren’t you sleeping? » - I asked her. 

«  I can’t … too much thoughts wondering what happened to Yerin unnie. » - She responded.

We silently stayed up all night and I felt grateful I wasn’t alone under those difficult circumstances. 

In the wee hours, we suddenly heard a knock. I ran to the door and I was slightly disappointed that it wasn’t you Jung Yerin. Still, I felt comforted that Yuju unnie came. She seemed stressed and her eyes were swollen. Surprisingly she gave us a tight hug. Being together helped us get some comfort during this endless tensed moment. The suspense was almost unbearable but with the members it made it a little less painful. 

We were all waiting like puppies waiting for their mom to come home. I know members were putting all the trust on Sowon unnie. Yet, I just couldn’t do nothing. After all, I was the one who complained that you weren’t even trying. If I wait as well then, I am not trying either. 

« SinB it is better to wait … There is nothing more we can do. » - Yuju unnie tried to convince me but I was still aiming at the door. Suddenly, Yewon grabbed my hand.

« I won’t let you go. I wouldn’t bear losing another member » - She said with tears in her eyes. It was so hard to see Yewon tearing up. Even with her pout and threatening eyes, she was still cute but my feelings for you were unstoppable.

« You don’t understand Yewon … I … I … love her. » - I confessed and the other members were all looking at me. I guess they saw how serious I was so much that Yewon eventually nodded in silence before dropping my hand. She went into Eunha unnie’s arms and the latter gave me a smile before telling me:

« Go find her but be careful. »

Once I reassured them, I went to your place Jung Yerin. As I predicted, no one responded when I rang the bell. Sowon unnie said she would deal with it - then it is impossible she still has no response. Hence, I called her:

« SinB, I just called Yerin’s parents and they don’t seem to be aware. They did say though that Yerin reassured them during her last call - last week. » 

« What about Yerin’s company? » - I asked. 

« They said they couldn’t reveal where Yerin is but still they reassured me. » 

« I bet they themselves don’t know and are investigating. I mean no schedule would require Yerin unnie to disappear. » - I argued.

« Why would they lie to me? They know we are still her members. »  

Whatever our leader was saying, I wasn’t listening. I was thinking too hard about that nightmare. 

« Maybe Yerin unnie wanted to disappear from our World. » - I spoke out lout.

« Why would she do that? »

« I didn’t tell you but Yerin unnie visited me last time. She said she had something important to say. She couldn’t say anything but she was sad. »

« Why you haven’t told me about that?! From what you’re saying, Yerin was clearly not well! But wait … why did she reach only you? » 

« She said she felt happy she managed at least to see me. » 

To hear me say those words out loud, it really sounded like a farewell. 

So Jung Yerin … you really came that day to say goodbye. 

I went back to Viviz dorm and Sowon unnie joined soon after. She told the members all the information she got. Yewon tried to say something when we were all silently sat in the living room. 

« It is weird. It is the second time we are the five here but … » - … The ambiance was really different from last time - I finished her sentence in my head as she started crying again.

« The last time Yerin unnie wasn’t there either but no one was worried. » - Yuju pinpointed. 

« She was really busy. » - Sowon unnie announced with a serious face. There was nothing new for me: I knew you were … I even suffered because of it … because to me you didn’t even try. 

Yet, Sowon unnie unknowingly didn’t share the same point of view:

« Yet, she still tried. She was always texting - asking about us. She was always making some time to surprise us with gifts she would choose and sent to our home with her own money. Despite the busy schedule, she was actively taking part in our group chat. She was just the first member to become busy and yet, she always took time. While I confess that I wasn’t as regular as her: when I became busy, I realized how hard it was to maintain daily communication. So no, Yerin wasn’t trying - she was pouring all the efforts. She was doing it how I wish I could sometimes. » 

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