Epiphany by Jin of BTS

Yerin POV

I can't stop thinking about what Umji and Eunwoo both said as I look out across the river. My fears are keeping me from proving to her I love her. She knows that I do but she's not going to accept it until I'm ready to prove it. I hate that it makes sense. I wish she would just give in but if I was her would I want to give in to something so uncertain. My uncertainties are about how media will respond to our love while her uncertainties are about whether I'll respond to her love. 

It's so annoying. I know for sure that I love her so much. I've adapted to her with everything. I want to live my life for her. I've been trying to meet her requests of distance but as I keep doing that I just can't bear the storm inside my heart. I may be making a mistake but I don't think I can respect her request anymore. The real Yerin that has been behind a smiling mask needs to be revealed entirely. I can't keep showing her what I think she wants I need to be myself. Because that's who she wants to love. She wants a Yerin that isn't afraid.

I'm the one I should love in this world. I should love the way I shine as myself. I should love this precious soul of mine. Until I love myself, I will never have her. It's never been the public holding me back. It's been myself. I finally realize after so long that Sinb has loved the real me. She keeps pushing me away because every time I've tried to step close to her it has been behind my mask. Why am I so afraid to love myself as I am? If Sinb can love me I should be able to love me.

I'm not perfect but that's what makes me so beautiful. Everyone in this world has their own flaws but my love for Sinb isn't one of mine. I'm not imperfect because I love her; I'm imperfect because I keep refusing to accept it. I'm done seeing our love as the problem when it's really me. I'm the one I should love. I need to love myself in order to solve my problem. I need to find her now. I get up and rush to the dorm.

I'm shaking and afraid but I keep going forward. I'm ready for you to meet the real me that's been hidden in the storm. Why did I want to hide my precious self like this? I could've had you years ago if I had known how to love myself. What was I so afraid of? Why did I hide my true self?

I'm the one I should love in this world. I shine for you. I should love the way I shine as myself. I know I've made bad decisions but I still love my precious soul. I finally realize that my past actions but define me so I should love me. I know that I'm not perfect but that's what I love. I'm allowed to make mistakes because that's how I learn to grow. I'm the one I should love. I quickly pull out my phone and call Umji.

"Hello?" She says.

"Is Sinb still at our dorm?" I ask quickly.

"Yes. Why?" She responds confused.

"I'm going to talk to her. Don't tell her because she can't leave before I get there. Please Umji I need to talk to her." I beg.

"Okay. Be careful." She says before we hang up. I hurry to our dorm nervously. I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. I walk in the dorm and see Umji first. I look at her confused but she points in the kitchen. I think for a moment wondering how to get her to listen and not just leave me. My brain seems to go into fight or flight mode and without me realizing it I go into the kitchen and pick her up. 

"Umji-yah!" She screams in shock. I just walk towards to exit with her over my shoulder as she tries to get out of my hold. She seems not to realize it's me until we pass by Umji.

"Yerin!? Put me down right now! Let me go!" She screams and fights harder. I somehow make it out to my car before I put her down but I still don't let go of her arms so she can't leave immediately. 

"Just get in the car. You don't have to speak to me. You don't even have to look at me. If you just cooperate for an hour I'll never talk to you again if that's what you want. I'll do anything if you just get in the car." I tell her. 

"Why?" She asks upset.

"Please Sinb. Give me twenty minutes and whatever you want after that I'll give you it. I'll never speak to you again, look at you, even be in the same room if that what you want. Just give me twenty minutes." I beg. She thinks for a second before she silent gets in the passenger seat. I let out a sigh of relief and go to the driver's seat. The drive is silent because I don't want to ruin my opportunity. 

"A river? Are you serious?" She asks me still mad.

"Yes. Will you just get out and follow me?" I ask her. She does what I ask and follows me until I sit down on the grass by the river. We both refuse to speak for a while. Hers is probably out of frustration while means out of nervousness. She scoffs and I feel even more nervous. I try to pep talk myself so I find any sort of courage to speak. I look at the river and the lights reflecting. I tilt my head up and stare at all the stars. 

"I want to learn to love myself," I speak without realizing it.

"You forced me here for that?" She looks like she fuming. She tries to get up but I grab her wrist.

"You promised me twenty minutes. Stop being stubborn and just shut up." I tell her. Her jaw clenches but she still sits back down. I look up at the stars again trying to find the peace I had before in order to continue.

"I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things, I may not have that shy glow around me but this is me. My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul. I want to have love in this world and I finally realized that I can't have that until I learn to love myself. You're not perfect, Sinb." 

"You really know how to make a girl swoon..." She huffs sarcastically. I glare at her warning her to be quiet.

"You're not perfect, Sinb, but you're still so beautiful. Your flaws are even beautiful in their own way. I want to learn to love myself. I want to learn how to find beauty in my imperfections. I want to be able to see my own flaws the same way I see yours. Because your flaws to me are what make you human. I want to see my flaws as something other than what makes me worthless. Whether you believe me or not, I love you Sinb. I swear on my life that I do but until I learn to love myself I'll only hurt you. I've been doing everything because of my love for you yet I've only hurt you. I've tried to be perfect for you but only ruined us. Now I realize that I won't stop hurting you until I learn to love myself. The fear of myself forces me to make stupid mistakes constantly and I'm tired of it" 

I look to her and see her staring back at me. Her eyes seem to soften when she sees the tears in mine. 

"I want to learn to love myself because I want to give you the real me. I want to finally stop hiding behind a mask and learn how to show my true self. I'm tired of treating you like because I'm too scared to give you everything I want. I know that I can't make you forgive me. I know that I can't make you give me your love. I know that I can't change all the I put you through but I also know I'm ready to love myself. I'm ready to learn how to be more and more like the Yerin you feel in love with every day. You can reject me if you want. You can tell me that it's too late and you never want to see me again but if you're willing to give me a chance please know that I'm willing to give myself up to you. No more fears because from now on it's only us." I release everything.

I close my eyes breathing in a deep breath knowing I've finally done everything I can. A tear rolls down and as I raise my hand to wipe something beats me to it. I open my eyes and see her hand on my face wiping the tear. I feel myself lean into the touch I've missed for so long. 

"Take me home." She whispers. My heart drops at her words. I nod and walk to my car even though I feel like my entire world has collapsed. I promised I'd respect her request after I said everything so now I have to. Soft music playing is the only sound in the car. We arrive at her dorm and I stay quiet only looking forward. I can't look at her and hold myself together. 

"Come inside." I look at her confused 

'What?" I ask.

"You had your twenty minutes. Now it's time for mine." She states. She gets out of the car and I follow her inside. We walk in together and see Sowon and Eunha in the living. When the two look and see us they look like they've seen a ghost. Sinb ignores them and grabs my hand pulling me to her room.

"Sinb-" I start but she looks at me telling me to stop talking. 

"Only talk when I ask you something." She tells me. I nod and sit on the edge of her bed waiting for her to start.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She whispers but I still heard her.

"I knew it would hurt you. I knew the second you found out whether from me or the news you'd be hurt and I was selfish. I chose not seeing how much it hurt you rather than telling you myself." I explain looking at the ground ashamed of my choice. 

"Why did you text me those nights?"  She asks next.

"I really missed you when you away. I didn't handle it well at first so I desperately texted you hoping you'd at least respond so I knew you were okay. When you told me not to text you I tried respecting your request but I got drunk one night with the other members and I forgot my sense of control." I explain ashamed once more. 

"Do you love him?" I hear her voice crack when she asks.

"Not romantically." I whisper.

"Then why?" 

"Because for years I told myself I'd have to let you go eventually. I thought you'd move on but I knew I wouldn't move easily so I dated him. I was hoping he'd help me move on but I never stopped thinking about you. We never did anything other than going on a few dates and talk because I think he knew I loved someone else. He knows about us. I told him when you decided to come back. He said he kind of already knew and that he supports us. He just a big brother to me now. I just wanted to try to forget about you because at the time I wasn't willing to accept myself." I explain. She runs her hand through her hair not looking at me. 

"What are you and Yoohyeon?" I ask suddenly.

"Friends." She answers.

"We were friends years ago too." I respond. I feel a sharp sting on my cheek and realize that she just slapped me. 

"I deserve that but seriously. I'm not trying to be a I just know our past and I need to know exactly what's going on." I tell her.

"We're just friends. She's dating Minji anyways." She looks at me. I rub my cheek that's still burning and she suddenly leaves. I stay in my spot not knowing what to do until she comes back with an ice pack. She sits next to me and holds it up to my cheek. We stare at each other both blushing when we realize how close we are.

"Can we meet with them?" I ask her.

"What?" 

"Can we meet with Yoohyeon and Minji? You said they're dating so they could help us right?" I ask hopefully.

"What do you want for us in the future Yerin?" She whispers.

A/N

Oops, cliffhanger. But we're definitely seeing progress!