Vanilla by Taeyeon

Yerin Pov

Tensions in front of the group have eased a little since we've been around each other more. Sinb and I still try to avoid conversations when we're with the group but we at least can act civil long enough for them not to worry about us. Today we have our first schedule with Sinb back. I can't lie and say I'm not worried. I don't know what they'll ask us and that makes me nervous about how I'll behave. I text Eunwoo asking him if I can come over after because I need someone to talk to. Even though he knows about everything we agreed we wouldn't break up yet because neither of us needs the publicity it would bring right now. 

We are very lucky that our interview is with Jeong Eunji at her radio show so we don't have to worry about her intentionally trying to get articles out of our slip-ups. I know how from Hayoung and Hayoung told me she's extremely down to earth. We walk in and greet her then find our seats. I notice an empty seat next to me and see Sinb still standing talking to Eunji. I don't know how they know each other but Eunji seems awfully friendly with her. Eunji pulls Sinb into a hug and endearingly smooths her hair.

I stare at you with your back to me, casually ignoring me. Do you accept Eunji's arms imagining their mine? I see the comfort between you two and wish that was us. I want you to comfortable around me again. I want you. Staring into the distance between I desperately wish I could close it and pull you into my arms instead. I feel like I need to be the one to comfort you. I need you.

My palms start to sweat when I see you notice the only chair open is next to me. I expect you to make someone move to avoid me but you don't. You sit down next to me as if I'm no longer a plague to you. Eunji was nice to all of us during the interview and respected Sinb's privacy by avoiding questions regarding her break. Eunji turns to me to ask a question.

"If you could go back to a previous era which era would you want to revisit and why?" She asks me. 

I sit there thinking for a while. I love all of our eras but fingertip is the first to come to mind. It was the era where Sinb and I were the closest. Many moments we were caught on camera but no one seemed to care. It was the only era that we truly felt like we were loving each other without fears. I reminded myself that I should say it because I know Sinb will know but something in me doesn't tell me to stop.

"Fingertip," I answer. I feel Sinb turn towards me and stare at me in disbelief.

"Oh, why?" Eunji asks further.

"I think I felt the happiest during that era. I had fewer worries and was just living freely as myself." I answered trying not to expose too much. 

"I see... Sinb what about you?" Eunji turns to Sinb.

"Um, I don't think I really have an era I like best. I've enjoyed every era equally." She dodges the question. A part of me is hurt that she won't admit it the same way I did but I decide to ignore my feelings for now. Once it was all done we headed to our dressing rooms and changed into more casual clothing. I notice that Sinb and I are the first to the car, We sat in silence for a few minutes until I decided to speak up.

"Are we done ignoring each other now?" I ask hopefully because of her actions earlier.

"I don't know" She shrugs.

"Why can't you be honest with me?" I asked annoyed.

"Does it matter? You said that if I gave you the chance you explain everything I could ignore you. I gave you the chance to deal with me ignoring you." 

I'm about to say something but Umji and Sowon enter the car. I close my mouth and pick up my phone to text Eunwoo. Umji tries to look at my phone but I hide it.

"Oooo who are you texting?" Umji asks.

"No one..." I ignore her.

"Probably Eunwoo who else would she give her attention to?" Sinb snarks from behind me. I feel tears threaten to fall. I've been trying so hard to hold in my feelings but when she throws words like this it makes it hard for me to contain my emotions. Umji distracts Sinb during the ride making it less awkward. When we get home I go to my room and my tears fall so easily. I don't know what to do I can't read your mind. I don't want this to hurt anymore. I wipe my tears and check my phone seeing a text from Eunwoo telling me he is outside waiting for me. I change quickly and go to meet him.

"Why were you crying?" He reaches over and wipes my tears.

"She still hates me." I tell him. He tries to reassure me but I just ask him to take me to the river I went alone while Sinb was on break. We drive in silence the rest of the way.

"Yerin. Do you understand the way that Sinb feels?" He breaks the silence once we sat on a bench at the river.

"I understand she can't be in the same room as me or even talk to me." I sigh.

"Imagine that you could have the very thing you wanted most. It's right there in front of you inches away but you can't reach it. Every time you reach it moves a little further away. Would you keep reaching and make it move further away each time or would you stay still and learn to appreciate it from the distance you're currently at?" 

"I wouldn't reach for it because I'd want it as close as possible," I answer his question.

"That's what Sinb feels. She doesn't want to keep reaching because the distance between you and her only keeps getting further apart. Whether you realize it or not it hurts her more knowing you love her than not knowing. She's waiting for you to reach back." 

"I've been trying to reach for her but she only pushes me further away." I don't understand him.

"You're not reaching for her. You're standing still trying to explain to her that you're still there but the distance doesn't close because of your fears to actually reach out for her." He explains.

"What if I actually reach out for her and she steps back?" I ask.

"What if she steps forward? You're always so caught up in the negative outcomes that you never do what your heart wants." 

"What am I supposed to do if she steps back?" I ask more forcefully.

"Then she ignores like she's doing already. Yerin, you're hurting yourself and you're hurting her and until you try to do something different both of you will never be friends. You're doing the same thing to her time after time but expecting her to respond differently. Why? Because you're scared that if you and her become close you'll ruin Gfriend? Don't you realize you're already doing that now? This war between the two of you is hurting everyone who knows you. We're tired of being in this uncomfortable situation because the two of you can't grow up and talk to each other. I love you Yerin but until you learn to love yourself for who you are I can't help you with this." He looks worked up and upset. 

"I'm sorry for causing you so much pain. I really do love you too but not in the way everyone thinks." I apologize hugging him.

"I love you like a sister and all I want is for you to figure how to be happy." He explains.

"I'll try I promise." 

We decided to head back to the dorm and I hug him goodbye. I try to lay in my bed and go to sleep but I feel so empty. Throwing the covers off me I get up and walk to Umji's room. I open the door and see her watching Netflix. 

"Yerin-unnie is everything okay?" She asks concern. I don't respond and climb into her bed. Knowing how I am with affection she hugs me and allows me in.

"I'm so sorry for everything I've caused. I'm sure I've put all of you in an uncomfortable situation. I wish I knew what to do but every time I try I only make things worse. I love her, Umji. I love her so much but I don't know how to accept it." I feel tears flooding as I finally let my emotion out.

"I know, unnie. We all know how much you love her and even if it's uncomfortable we love both you enough to try and help each of you." She explains.

"How can I get her to understand how much I love her?" I ask in desperation.

"She knows that you love her." She states.

"Then why won't she talk to me?"

"Because you refuse to love yourself." She explains. I think about what she says until I eventually fall asleep. I wake up in the morning but it feels like I'm still sleeping. I hear someone shouting in the hallway.

"Umji!" Sinb's voice wakes me up. I wish she was calling out to me instead. I groan as I roll over in Umji's bed grabbing a pillow. It's sad how I thinking about you every day when I wake up. About how I want to be beside you. I keep wishing one day I'll wake up with you in my arms but if morning my bed gets colder and colder.

I can smell you from here. Vanilla. I hit my head against the bed in frustration. I'm so lonely that a sweet-scented flower is enough to make me think of you. The picture of waking up next to you with the scent of vanilla isn't it so pretty? I decide to get out of bed and get food. I'm sure Sinb will ignore my presence anyways. As I walk to the kitchen I think about Umji telling me that Sinb knows I love her. The thought makes me nervous

Now that I know she knows everything I'm so nervous. Going through the living we both refuse to meet each other gaze. What am I supposed to do with feelings I can't control? I can't just spit them out because it would be harder than it is now. After all, we both know other things that need to happen before we admit our feelings.

This whole time I've been in a dream hoping you'd just forgive me. Inside my heart, I've been saying please forgive me. I wish when we were together you would call my name. I think about you every day. But that all been in my head, not my actions. It time I show you that I want to be by your side. That's my wish. That I get the courage to show you I'm ready to be by your side. Because I'm tired of being lonely without you.

I look into the living room from the kitchen. Your wide smile is showing. Never wither away because you're so beautiful like this. Stay beautiful. I want to look at you this happy forever. This is not the beginning because this is about our love so it will never end. Like blooming vanilla, we will learn to grow together instead of separate. I think about you every day and if you ever want proof of my thoughts I'd give it to you endlessly.

A/N

Yerin is finally realizing why Sinb refuses her. Stay tuned for the next update.