August 30, 2014

When would this nightmare end? When would it stop? All I wanted was a life with Yerin. A life full of happiness and bliss, and now what’s happening? Am I on the verge of death? Am I going to leave her alone just like everyone else in her life? Her father, her mother, at least she had Sowon...but it wouldn’t be fair to her. 

What would be fair to me? Living in torment after my mother’s death, but finding solace in Yerin’s company. Yerin had made me happy ever since I had gotten to know her, and Angkko, my small family. If I was still in pain, this decision would be so much easier, but no longer was I in pain. 

I stand at a crossroads, a bright light on one end, darkness on the other. One felt welcoming, the other painful, but wonderful.  Searching back and forth between the two, the choice was impossible. Why was it impossible? In love, happy, scared maybe, so why was it impossible? All the pain I went through, were these thirty days really enough to make me forget that pain? Was Yerin enough? Would I feel that pain again, and would I willingly accept that pain with Yerin by my side? The answer should have been simple, before Yerin, I would have begged for the sweet release. After Yerin...What path would make me happiest? The answer to that question would be the answer to my fate. And so, I walked.

My eyes shot open, examining my surroundings I realized I was still in the hospital bed from the previous days. I was alive, at least the excruciating pain was a reminder that I was. Looking to the left of my bed I found a nurse turned away from me, probably doing paperwork. I wanted to speak, but I didn’t have the energy. After a few minutes of staring, the nurse finally turned to make eye contact with me, a smile forming on her face. Once she acknowledged my consciousness, I scanned the room once more for the person I yearned for, and by the time I looked back, the nurse was gone.

Soon after, the doctor who operated on me walked in with a clipboard. 

“It’s good to see you awake, I have some things to go over with you before I let your friends in. Is that alright?” Nodding was all I could manage.

“You may have some difficulty speaking for a few weeks, but that’s to be expected. We will be putting you on radioactive iodine to further attack anything left of your cancer, but for the most part, you have been rid of it. Keep in mind that it can come back, so always keep your eye on it and don’t let it develop too far. You got really lucky this time, any later and you would have been in trouble. Luckily you’re young, so your body can withstand a lot more than someone who is, say, 50.” He cleared his throat before continuing.

“Now the important part. I do not want you on your feet for the next few months, you will need to come in for regular check-ups every two weeks, and we may start physical therapy with you if your body will be able to maintain it." My eyes went wide the more he continued talking, I couldn't believe it. I refused to believe it. "This also means you will not be able to continue