I, Han Hyesoo, never dated anyone in my 22 years of life.

People keep saying how I could be a very good girlfriend or how lucky is my future husband is if I ever get married. I’ve received countless of praises from my friends and family about my easy-going personality (more like a pushover, I have a hard time rejecting people.) and how easy it is for my future partner. But anyone who truly knows me that I’m really uninterested in relationships where the girl gets on trampled over by their boyfriends. And if they were married, they would expect the wife to be all submissive to her husband and his family, to quit her career just so that she could take care of the house. I’ve seen number of times from dramas to in-real life from my relatives. And I truly dislike those kind of relationship (I wouldn’t use despise as it is such a strong word).

And from what I learn from boys throughout my whole education years since primary until college that boys are, how do I put them in words, immature, air-heads and insincere towards anyone else except their friends. So, the result, I find harder to approach to boys than girls. If I treat the two genders equally, I could see some of the boys are already making up a lot of speculations and jump to the conclusion that I like them. (such s exist in my world). Like there’s one time, I was being nice to a boy (because he was really nice like my girlfriends) during my senior year in high school and in the end, he and his group of friends jumped to a conclusion that I have romantic feelings for the boy and began to distance himself from me. I never got to clarify and ask for explanation why he did that until our little reunion 2 years ago. I assumed that he found that I’m boring and realised that we can’t be friends and just left like that. Just like how every other guy did and that’s the reason I only had female friends.

          Well, at the age of 22, you could see a small portion of your friends getting married (those who got knocked up), another half in a relationship like how in my circle, 3 out 4 is in a loving relationship. Yes, the only one left is me. It’s natural to also want to date with someone. I could also see my friends trying their best to ‘help’ me as well by setting up some dates with acquaintance they know. In the end, it is a big fail. Either the guy is a total or the guy is uninterested.

Eventually, I gave up this whole dating scene and focus on my studies instead. Could say at least I’m good at one thing as I joined the Newsletter Club and became part of the writers. (And the youngest as well. Most of the members are my seniors) They let me write anything I want or I could say the president sort of have a weird doting affection towards me so everyone is being tolerate with me. I swear my cousin’s weird affection got to stop at some point. The other members can’t have a say about me because she’ll glare at them which make them piss their pants. (They were scared of her.)

I guess the only person that could tame her is her weird boyfriend, Kim Junmyeon. Majoring in economics, a third-year student.

In my eyes, he’s normal. When I say normal, I mean he’s the total opposite of Joohyun. I guess they complement with each other with the saying polar opposite attracts. They get along very well and Junmyeon really tolerates my cousin which surprised me. Her exes couldn’t really stand her weird (quirky) personality. It used to be a hell for my family because when Joohyun gets very upset, she’s the worst. It’s literally a freaking nightmare. (trust me in this) And since we’re living under the same roof, my sister and I have to put up with her s. Now, she kind of have Junmyeon by her side (He’s our saviour!), I guess I don’t have to worry that much either.

***

Autumn. Year 2015. Senior Year One.

Yeah, I heard about you.

I heard from other students how you rose up to be so popular overnight even though we’ve been classmates for years. We’re close. We talked occasionally as well. We even worked together for our school orientation. I thought we grew closer but the truth is, you’re only came to me when she is around.

I don’t know when my heart starts to harbour such foreign feelings.

Feelings that are a mixed of joy when I see you, when you’re around.

A mixed of disappointment when you couldn’t see when she’s around.

A mixed of envy when you talked to her, your eyes twinkled like stars in the night sky, wishing that you would do the same to me as well.

A mixed of anger when you couldn’t see there’s someone that really cares for you.

A mixed of hurt when you run around like a fool but she couldn’t see your kindness.

A mixed of worry when I’m worried about you not eating well when your mother passed away; you were crying so bad I wanted to comfort you in my arms.

I was crying as well; my heart hurt a lot. The person you yearned the most did not come at your lowest point of your life.

A mixed of relief when you’re up in your spirits after that sorrowful day; all thanks to her.

Is it the day when we’re first seatmates? During our first day when we were in our juniors. You were complementing my essay, saying I have a lot of potential in writing and I should pursue it. Since then it has been my dream to write.

And during our junior years, we used to exchange lots of books to read and usually you would leave cute reviews about the book which makes me laugh a lot. Is it then my heart starts to harbour those feelings?

Or is it the start of our senior year in Spring?

When we worked together for our school orientation, you seemed to mature more after we finished our junior years. I never noticed how tall you are until you towered most of the guys in our year. You stand out the most among everyone. You didn’t even notice how the girls suddenly have heart-eyes whenever you’re around (it’s cute).

Back then, I was having a hard time fitting in the committee board. I didn’t know anyone else nor I’m close with the others. Except you. You were close with everyone. People seemed to enjoy your presence.

I expect you to ditch me. But you didn’t.

You tried your best to include me in most of your conversations. Even though it is just a small gesture but I’m still thankful enough that I got along with the others and made friends.

Or is it the day before our summer break? That day before our semester ends. Our school’s festival. Unfortunately, the board committee has to participate in at least one of the events and we got a relay race. That day was the hottest day of the month. We had a lot of our members fainted so we worked extra hard that day. I wasn’t feeling very well that day but I didn’t want you to carry our burden alone so I had to push myself. We participated in most of the events in our members’ places and when it’s time for ours, my body suddenly gave up. I out.

I didn’t remember well about it. I hope I was conscious because that is a memory I would like to treasure forever.

From what I heard from Surin, you carried me on your back and ran to the first aid room. Despite everyone staring at us, you still chose to do that. Why?

You stayed beside me until I was awake. I was half-conscious. I thought it was a dream. I was even in a daze when my mum picked me up.

But after the summer, it all changes.

I can sense you’re slowly distancing yourself from me.

You didn’t include me in your little conversations with the committee members anymore.

But you were so happy when she’s around. The girl from the next class. The girl that just joined the committee board.

In that moment, I understood everything. If things are going to end like this, then let it end this way.

That way I could end the feelings in my heart.

Spring. Year 2017. Graduation.

A few months passed, we’ve sat our college entrance exam, and before the cherry blossom blooms, we’re parting our ways.

It’s not that sad that we’re parting our ways.

We were already drifted apart after that summer. We only talk when it comes to our studies or when it comes to the board. But I’ve expected this to come anyways.

Congratulations for scoring the highest and congrats for getting accepted in Harvard. I knew you wanted to do Law. You have a strong sense of justice inside your heart. You’ll be able to do well.

And I’ll be chasing my dream to be a be a writer.

I was sad when you asked what would I like to do. You asked me this a long time ago and told me to pursue it.

I still remember clearly that you said you wanted to do law and help to advocate for injustice against people who are unfortunate.

That day, after the ceremony, I confessed to you. I mustered all my courage to do that. Pretty brave for a timid girl like me, I would say.

Did I regret confessing? You asked.

I didn’t answer back because I didn’t know if I would regret about it. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I just want to get my feelings across.

You said we can’t be together because you were waiting for her. You were waiting for her even though she’s with someone. You said you were sorry.

It’s alright. You weren’t responsible for my feelings. I already expected that the answer is no. And that’s the last I saw you.

From then, I didn’t hear anything about you anymore.

Er, if some of you are confused about the school system, I kind of mixed the SK's school system with UK school's system. While in SK, middle and high school were both different schools, but in most countries, the secondary school system are from grade 7 till grade 12 and for my country, we spend 2 years of our senior years and graduated then we moved to a year of pre-university. But the schools'  semester I followed SK's system.