If you let yourself be loved, you trust. You trust them with all of you, let them know what are your biggest fears, things that scare you, tell them the things you love and can't live without, what makes your heart flutter and makes you have butterflies in your stomach, say the things that make you sad, things that'll put your mood down and those that make you angry, frustated, that makes you want to just leave everything behind and be by yourself and of course, there are things that make you happy and make you grateful that you have them and you treasure them for the rest of your life.

But what if they used all of that to manipulate you?

And guess what, they do. 

They use it for their own good and make you do stuff that you're not willing to do, and you still do it anyways because you're scared.

You're scared that one day they'll end up leaving you and you won't know what or who you are anymore because they know you better than yourself. You'll be lost because you're used to it, them controlling you, and you're left questioning where did the old you go.

You keep finding it, the old you, interspecting and finding some fragments that'll remind you of who you used to be but you fail anyways because it's gone and nowhere to be found. You're so occupied that you're not growing as a person, you've shut everything and everyone out because you're not ready to let them know who you are now, heck, you yourself don't even know who you are. You keep bending over backwards that you don't know how to do this anymore.

What happened with Jeongyeon and her bestfriend back then was, let's just say a nightmare. For Jeongyeon, she thought that Kithe was her bestfriend for life, a pal til the end, a buddy that'll have your back no matter what.

God, was she wrong. But she decided to stay anyways.

Kithe threatened to tell the public of what Jeongyeon really is, a lesbian. 

The idea that if it ever came to Jeongyeon's parents, the horror plastered in their faces, the dissapointment it would bring to the family, and also losing someone who you've been with for years overpowered her mind more than the thought of fighting back.

If this is love then I don't want it. 

You've built walls not letting anyone in and take away that teenie, tiny, winy piece of you that reminded you of your previous yourself. You protect it like it's the last thing you own.

At school, yes, you have friends but can you even call them that? you don't allow them to know you much, you stand in a safe distance, they try and try to get close but you always push them away every single time, they get tired and just stop. You don't let them close enough, like there's always a yellow line and they're not allowed to cross over it, you just befriend them because of groupings and they seemed the easiest people and most logical ones out of the whole class, uninterested enough towards you and only cares about getting high marks.

You continue to hold on firmly to your decision to not even show your emotions, you deliberately estrange yourself to anyone because they might see through this facade of yours and manipulate you again. There's no one marked as an exemption.

So Jeongyeon finds herself walking the empty park of Seoul in the cold of a Saturday night wearing a brown sweater and a plaid scarf around her neck. She enjoyed this, there's not a soul to be seen. She stands back facing the fountain in the middle of the park, her gaze at the walkway in front of her, there are lucent lamps and fairy lights wrapped around the trunks and branches of trees lined beside the walkway throughout the park, and along with the stars and the moon above, is enough to make Jeongyeon cry, she lets the tears fall.

She cries because it's the only time where she feels weightless, there's no one there to exploit any harm on her. She likes to think that she's letting herself free from any kind of battle between the world, and even a battle with herself.

These are the rare times that she feels real. 

But out of nowhere, there's a smaller figure crashing onto her own, it's hugging her so tightly. 

She likes it. 

She feels warm.

But she still holds on to her resolve.

She pushes the figure away, not lightly but not vigorously either, and wipes her tears with her own hands.

She familiarized who it was.

It was Myoui Mina, one of your classmates. She hadn't tried to cross anylines with you, only conversed regarding school works, she was one of the many - if not all - people you've alienated yourself from, but you have never noticed the wary glances she gave you a multitude of times.

"What are you doing here at this hour?"

Mina points at the plastic bags beside her feet, filled with instant noodles and junk foods "My cravings were nagging me too much. I could ask you the same question but I assume you won't tell me"

Jeongyeon said in a fixed voice "Yeah, you're right"

"Want to come over to my apartment?" Well, that was kind of an illogical question, Jeongyeon thinks to herself. On how vigilant and observant Mina is, the complacent and unfriendly demeanor  Jeongyeon has shouldn't be hard to understand. 

"Sorry but no. I actually wanna head home" 

There you go again. So protective of yourself.

"You sure? I cook world class ramyeon" Mina tried again

Why would she even think that that will be enough to convince me, Jeongyeon thought, she scrunched her brows.

"I really should go back home, you should too" 

"Well. Okay then. See you on Monday" Mina showed Jeongyeon her smile that made the older woman question if she should just go along with her.

They went back to their own apartment and house respectively, back to their own life routine.

[•••]

But on Monday, something changed.

Usually, Jeongyeon just sits at her chair the whole day, it's where she eats her packed lunch, no one really dares to speak to her because she seems unapproachable and hard to talk with, she gets up only from her seat when they need to do groupings or when she feels like reading and goes to the library

First thing in the morning, Mina greets you a good morning, it made you briefly quizzical but you quickly  shrugged it off thinking this is just the charismatic side of her. At lunch, she asks you if you wanna join her and her friends, Sana and Momo, to have lunch, you declined. This went on for a month. She keeps on pushing herself on you even if you turn her down countless of times.

You started to get annoyed.

"Look. Would you stop already?"

You were both in the park again. She would always come by here at the dead of night to check if you were here. And everytime you were, she wouldn't leave your side until you wanted to go home.

"What?"

"This pinning you're doing, you need to stop"

"Pinning? Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"What else would it be then!?" Jeongyeon said in a higher tone and pointed her finger the ground "You being here, do you seriously think that I believe that every time I see you here is just a coincidence?! This was supposed to be my me time, you're taking it away! Following me around, asking what I had for breakfast or dinner, accompanying me to my next classes, even volunteering to walk me hom-"

"I love you"

"You- what...?" Jeongyeon didn't notice that there were tears flowing from the eyes of the girl infront of her.

Mina stepped closer to Jeongyeon and poked harshly at the sternum of the older woman, her voice was pugnacious and assertive while saying the words:

"I ing love you, you douchebag! I didn't know what it was at first - pity, sympathy or whatever but I wanted to put you out of your misery. You remind me so much of someone I used to be. You're afraid that you might end up being a puppet, moving according to the puppeteer that you let put strings on you. I wanted to change that perspective of yours. I tried to show you that there will be someone that'll adore you for the scum that you are, just like Momo and Sana did for me." 

Mina stopped her poking, she idly dropped her hands to her sides in defeat and rambled on, more lulled "And maybe, just maybe, you'd warm up to me and hoped that you'll love me back but I guess you're too much of an " 

Mina turned away, walking out of the park. 

Jeongyeon racks every single brain cell she has and find something to say or even do - but nothing,