Chapter 18 - Pt. 2

 

 

 

 

 

 "I have a bad feeling about this.." Jessie says standing behind the bar, with arms crossed to her chest, looking at Jisoo who surprised her by coming in the evening and ordered her usual drink directly without greeting, which she's already in the process of drinking her fifth glass!

 

 -"About what?"  Jisoo asks indifferently, without looking away from her drink.

 

 "This!"  Jessie answers pointing with both hands at Jisoo state in dramatic fashion.

 

 Jisoo doesn't answer her and just rolls her eyes and takes a sip.

 

 "Really! I think I jinxed you. I mean, It was only a few days ago when you were looking your best, what is this now?"  Jessie remarks, resting her hands on the edge of the bar.

 

 Jisoo looks up at her, puts the glass down, and then remains silent for a while before answering, "Nothing Jess. I'm just trying to spend some time alone.. with myself."

 

 Jessie sighs in despair, and before she answers, some guys come to the bar and she walks away from Jisoo to serve them and see their requests.

 

 As she slides their drinks in front of them, she notices Jisoo pointing to her with her hand towards the glass indicating her to pour another one for her.

 

 She rolls her eyes, and goes to fulfill her request.

 

 "That's it. Spill the beans, who did you break up with this time?"  Jessie inquires after she put the refilled glass in front of Jisoo, causing Jisoo to pull a face at her as she takes the glass.

 

 - "What? You're talking as if I'm dating different people day and night." Jisoo deadpans and takes a sip from her drink.

 

 Jessie remains silent as she stares at Jisoo with a knowing look and follows in a soft tone,

 

 "Not like that! It's just.. the only time I saw you in this state was when you broke up with your boyfriend."

 

 She gives her a warm smile, and turns away from her to see others' orders, making Jisoo silently staring into the void as she processes what Jessie had told her and thinks about it.

 

 

 Is it really the same?

 

 

 Yes, she remembers the night that she broke up with Jin Young. Yes, she came here and started drinking too. Yes, she was feeling bad but.. is it really the same?

 

 No. Not at all.

 

 This's different.. completely different.

 

 Now that she thinks about it; what she was feeling at the time is nothing compared to what she is feeling right now.

 

 

 This is Jennie at the end.. her Jennie.. her cat-eyed Jennie.

 

 She closes her eyes tightly as she kicks out these thoughts, lifts the glass and gulpes down a big sip of it.

 

 

 .  .  .  .  .  .

 

 

 

 "This is your share of the profits."  Matthew says as he puts a thick envelope on the medium table in front of the other man and leans back on his seat as he stretches his arms across the back of the sofa.

 

 The man leans forward, takes the envelope, opens it, and looks at the money inside.

 

 "Not exactly what we expected."  Matthew adds.

 

 - "What? Why?"  The man asks as he looks at Matthew with surprise, sounding displeased.

 

 Matthew lifts off one of his arms and points his index finger around them, indicating where they are, and follows, "This club. we lost the possibility of dealing out in this club."

 

 - "I thought we had already solved that with one of the workers here." The man says, placing the envelope inside the pocket of his blazer.

 

 "He got caught, and now we can't even find anyone else because security has become pretty tight." Matthew explains, and then leans forward to pick up his glass and takes a swig.

 

 The man stares at him for a moment, then takes out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and pulls one out, lights it and puts it between his lips before he draws a long breath and exhales as he stares thoughtfully, he follows, 

 

 - "So you're saying we forget about this place?"

 

 "Quite so."  Matthew confirms, putting down his glass, he gets up and adjusts his suit.

 

 "Now if you excuse me. I have to go, I have other things to attend to."  Matthew says, and the man nods to him with understanding.

 

 Matthew gets out of their private booth and heads toward the stairs and down to the first floor.

 

He walks towards the main door and on his way to it, as he passes between the people and by the bar, he spots Jisoo sitting at it.

 

He stops in surprise looking at her from afar, she was alone, quietly raising her glass, sipping, and lowering it, she looks like she's in another world.

 

 He turns towards her and walks to her until he approaches and takes a seat on the stool next to her.

 

 "Jisoo?"  He wonders, drawing her attention as she turns to him and furrows.

 

 - "Oh.. Matthew.. what are you doing here?"  She asks in an amused tone.

 

 Before he answers, he studies her a little;  The redness was invading the borderlines of her eyes and cheeks, as well as her heart shaped lips, which were very red and glossy.  She didn't look drunk, but she wasn't quite sober either.

 

 "I was upstairs with some friends..what are you doing here alone?"  Matthew asks with a subtle smile and calm tone.

 

 - "uh, don't mind me, let me invite you for a drink." she offers, pointing at him with her index in a random path.

 

 Matthew smiles at her cuteness, and nods to her.

 

 Maybe he can stay for a few more minutes.

 

 

 

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 "Woah! What time is it now?"  Lisa asks as she stretches her arms and yawns.

 

 -"Ten thirty."  Jennie answers, after checking her phone.

 

 "Oh, I can't believe it's finally the weekend!" Chaeyoung gushes and breathes out in relief.

 

 - "Finally."  Lisa exclaims excitedly.

 

 Jennie laughs quietly at their antics and looks ahead.  They were walking on the sidewalk on which the apartment hotel is located, and while they were thus, a car passes beside them and stops far from them in front of the building.

 

 Seconds, and the car front doors open, a man climbs down the driver's seat and from the other seat a girl climbs down too and walks towards the building, she was stumbling in her walk a little.

 

 The girls stop in their tracks looking at them with astonishment.

 

 "Isn't that Jisoo?"  Lisa asks, very confused.

 

 - "Yes, it's her, and that's Matthew who's with her." Chaeyoung remarks.

 

 "Were they on a date? She looks drunk."  Lisa wonders, and then turns to Jennie, who was standing still, watching and frowning in anger.

 

 "Jennie? What's it?"

 

 Lisa asks her, but Jennie doesn't answer her and she continues to look at Jisoo and Matthew, watching as he was standing by the car at first, but rushed to Jisoo and tried to support her when he saw she was about to trip, fortunately, Jisoo stops him politely lifting her hand and tells him something while smiling.  Jennie watches as he returns her smile and nods before he backs away from her reluctantly.

 

Even if he had other intentions to like, take advantage of Jisoo and get her drunk, Jisoo ruined it for him completely because of her constant mention of Jennie on any topic he tries to open up, and how she talks about her and about how Jennie is great and cute in everything and anything. 

 

 

 "Jenn—"

 

 Before Lisa calls her again, Jennie begins to stride until she starts running as she tries to catch up with Matthew, but he had climbed into the car and had already gone while Jisoo had entered the building and so she heads to her.

 

 Lisa and Chaeyoung look at each other blankly before they run after Jennie.

 

 

 .  .  .  .  .

 

 

 "Jisoo!"   Jennie calls while extending her arm to keep the elevator door from closing, and gets inside, the elevator closes and starts moving up.

 

She stands there staring at Jisoo quizzically, trying to read through her, while Jisoo looks at her indifferently for a moment before she turns her gaze away.

 

 "Jisoo, what's this? What were you doing with Matthew? Were you drinking?" Jennie asks sternly and in a disapproving tone.  She could smell the alcohol on Jisoo, which made her even more mad.

 

 Jisoo doesn't answer her, just keeps staring at the elevator buttons.

 

 "Jisoo, I'm talking to you!"  She says more sharply while holding Jisoo's arm to make her look at her.

 

 -"What?!" Jisoo says grumpyly and indifferently, "And so what if I was?"

 

 She retorts, turning her gaze away again, rendering Jennie speechless, surprised at her attitude.

 

 "Are you kidding me? How can you drink to this extent by yourself?"

 

 She repeats her denunciations, but Jisoo not paying any attention to her, and before she speaks again, the elevator door opens, and Jisoo exits on her way to the apartment.

 

 Jennie stays puzzled momentarily before she getting out of the elevator behind Jisoo, waiting for them to enter the apartment to talk to Jisoo again, her anger is growing at Jisoo's disregarding to her.

 

 "Jisoo! Stop! We have to talk!"  When she steps inside the apartment and closes the door behind her, Jennie demands as she continues to walk behind Jisoo, who is walking with boredom, ignoring Jennie.

 

 "Jisoo!"  She calls her again, this time grabbing her arm and stopping her, making her turn to face her.

 

 "This is not you. How can you become so neglecting?" Jennie asks in all seriousness as she looks at Jisoo with genuine concern.

 

 While she was trying to protect her from Matthew, she sees her getting out of his car!  Matthew's car!  

 

When? Where? And how??

 

Is it even their first time going out together? How close did they become? Where had she been for not noticing?

 

Still, whatever it is, it doesn't matter, and on top of that she was drinking!  He could have taken advantage of her! He could have done anything to her! How was she able to put down her defenses like this?

 

 To make matters worse, what was pressing on Jennie's nerves more and more, her constantly remembering her father's state when he used to come home drunk and wasted seeing Jisoo like this, it's the reason why Jennie hates drinking more than anything.

 

 Jisoo kept staring at her with straight and cold expressions.. expressions that Jennie had never seen before. 

 

She was looking at her like..

 

Like she can't stand her anymore..?

 

 Jisoo pulls her arm from Jennie's grip harshly and turns around and goes to the bathroom leaving Jennie standing in a deafening silence, asking herself if she was seeing things, and only comes back to her senses a few minutes later when Jisoo walks out of the bathroom.

 

 Jennie looks up at her and sees that she has washed her face, and it seems that she has washed it excessively, as even the crown of her head is dripping wet, causing a number of strands to fall off the sides of her face as she is on her way to her room.

 

"Jisoo.. our conversation isn't over yet!" She informs, Jisoo turns deaf ear to her and continues walking, simultaneously the main door opens and Lisa and Chaeyoung enter while looking at Jisoo and Jennie with question.

 

 Jisoo enters her room, closes the door behind her, and Jennie stays still for a moment before turning to Lisa and Chaeyoung and sees them mirroring her concerned face.  Without saying anything, she looks back to the side of her room and strides towards it in hurried steps, she enters and closes the door behind her as well.

 

"Are they gonna fight?" Chaeyoung asks as she turns to Lisa.

 

 - "I don't know.. let's hope they won't." Lisa replies helplessly and sighs as she heads to her room, Chaeyoung following behind.

 

 

 .  .  .  .  .  .

 

 

 

 "Jisoo, what's the matter? Why are you acting like this?"  Jennie asks standing at the door with her arms crossed, and in front of her Jisoo, on the process of ing her shirt.

 

 - "Nothing. It's none of your business." Jisoo counters coldly, without turning around.

 

 "How is it none of my business? Anything could have happened to you! And with a man who you barely know!"

 

 Jisoo's hands stop moving, but she doesn't say anything, and just ignores her again and proceeds to the shirt, making Jennie get more irritated and frustrated at her behavior.

 

 "Would you please stop acting like this and talk to me for god's sake!"

 

 She inquires in a louder sharp tone, losing the last thread of patience she had and pulls Jisoo by the arm to turn her around and face her.

 

 - "I know what I'm doing, no need to drag it on." Jisoo says coldly, loosening her arm from Jennie's hand and turning around as she ruffles her hair in frustration.

 

 Jennie remains silent as she looks at Jisoo with complete astonishment and disbelief.

 

" I don't know what is wrong with you, but I won't leave it alone.. and I especially won't leave you like this!"

 

Jennie was speaking in a determined tone while Jisoo was dreading the topic, trying to stay calm.

 

 "I know that you know what you are doing, but this doesn't mean leaving yourself in the hands of whoever!  You will lead yourself to your own ruin at this rate—"

 

 - "Oh so now you care about me?!"

 

 Jisoo snaps turning around quickly and suddenly, in a sharp and sarky tone, that is louder than Jennie's.  Facing her and looking at her very disappointedly.

 

 "Now you remember me?!"

 

 Silence reigns between them due to her heavyweight words, which made the two of them still, staring at each other, but the shock was Jennie's high share.

 

 Jisoo closes her eyes for a few seconds to calm herself down a bit, and then turns her head desperately, followed by her body.

 

 "What are you talking about? Of course I care!"  Jennie protests in a very puzzled tone.

 

 - "Nothing.. just leave me alone."

 

 Jisoo coldly dismisses as she starts pacing back and forth in front of her, nervously massaging her forehead, trying to keep her word-vomit under control despite her feeling her chest tightening, full of unspoken words and questions that was eating her from the inside.

 

 "I won't! Not until I understand what is going on with you. Why would you think that I don't care about—"

 

 - "Jennie! Come on! Stop acting!" Jisoo shuts her up, stopping, and turns towards her, "Save your fake care for someone else!"

 

 She finishes in a wry tone as she looks at her angrily and then goes back to pacing steady steps back and forth, leaving Jennie looking at her agape for a moment, completely dumbfounded.

 

Why would she think like that?

 

 "Jisoo.. that is not true and you know that!"

 

 Saddened, Jennie starts speaking in a calm, careful tone, as if she was trying to get through Jisoo and make her believe.

 

 

 As for Jisoo..

 

 Jisoo was battling with herself not to explode by saying everything that was gnawing at her chest. She was struggling to remain collected and not to let her frustration win over, but the conflict she sees in Jennie makes it difficult for her.

 

 How can she say something like that while she is acting the exact opposite?

 

 How can she claim not knowing and that she has done nothing?

 

 How can she talk to her like this when she is the reason for how she feels right now? 

 

 But no.. not here. not now. 

 

She must maintain her composure.. 

 

she must not show, nor let it be seen.

 

It will sound so pitiful, and She's not like that.

 

Even if she can feel the words gathering in , choking her. Even if she began to feel as though she wanted to throw up her heart.

 

'Jisoo, no,  don't. Remember you are exaggerating..  You. Are. Exaggerating.  This will pass.. you're exaggerating.. you're just exaggerati—'

 

 "You know very well that I don't care about anyone as much as I care about you—"

 

 -"Oh really?!!" Jisoo cuts her off and stops pacing,  turning to face her, "Is that why you've been avoiding me for the past few days?!"

 

 Jisoo finishes in a faint tone as she looks at Jennie with a weak smile and teary eyes.

 

 

Surrendering..

 

 

 And just like that, she failed all her attempts to remain under control.

 

The silence prevails between them, heavy and suffocating, as they stare at each other.

 

Jennie never felt herself so powerless before as she does now. She was motionless, like a deer caught in headlights, watching Jisoo in front of her with a broken expressions on her face. 

 

Jennie never felt herself have failed in her life like she has failed now.

 

"Is that why you keep turning your eyes away from me?

 

Is that why you avoided taking my hands, yet you take the hand of others?"

 

 Jisoo adds with the same tone as she raises her hand in front of Jennie, her expressions are neutral as she feels her tears streaming down her cheeks, her pain resurfaced and her steadiness faded away.

 

 - "Ji-Jisoo.." Jennie starts stuttering, in a low tone, almost whispering, "I..I.."

 

 "You're what, Jennie? You're what?"

 

 Jisoo ends her stuttering, reproaching, with a trembling voice trying not to burst into tears while Jennie her eyes are already welled up as she begins to realize the reason behind Jisoo's recent behavior.

 

- "I.. I didn't.. I didn't mean to... I.. I.."

 

Jennie begins with a low tone as she slowly walks towards Jisoo, and at the same time Jisoo steps back.

 

 "I'm sorry.. I'm sorr—"

 

 "I don't want your apologies!  Just tell me why? What has changed?"

 

Jisoo asks staring at her completely bewildered and continues when Jennie doesn't answer her and just lowers her head regretfully.

 

"Do I disgust you?"

 

 At that Jennie quickly raises her head, her eyes wide with dissent.

 

"Did you get bored of me?  Am I not up to your liking anymore? 

 

Did you fill your curiosity about me and thought you had enough?  Or did you find someone else to replace me? Tell me! 

 

Did you start thinking of me like others do?"

 

Jisoo was flooding her with questions, and Jennie was just looking at her, crying heavily and shaking her head no.

 

What did she do?  What has she done?  How did she not see this coming?  How could she make Jisoo reach this point?  Was all this invading Jisoo's mind? 

 

How could she make her think like this of herself?

 

 Jisoo stills for moment, and then quietly follows in a pleading tone, 

 

 "You can do whatever you want. I just need to know the reason. And don't you.. don't you dare tell me that there is nothing going on with you."

 

 She finishes and steps back, feeling exhausted and drained, until she hits the end of the bed and sits on it with her legs slightly spread and her forearms resting on her knees, covering her face with both hands.

 

 Jennie stays still for a while looking at Jisoo ruefully, she pulls herself together, taking a shaky breath before she starts sauntering towards Jisoo. She kneels before her and crawls very close to her.

 

 "Jisoo.. Jisoo, look at me."

 

 Jennie begins with a soft sorrowful tone as she puts her hands on Jisoo's hands and moves them slowly and gently away from her face, revealing Jisoo's broken expression as she looks down blankly.

 

 "Jisoo, look at me, please."

 

 She says as she cups Jisoo's face with both hands, and lifts her head a little so that it's same level with hers, making Jisoo look at her with tired, reddened eyes, and Jennie wasn't any better.

 

"It is not true." She says as she looks directly into her eyes, "Whatever the reason you are thinking of or whatever you mentioned.. Is not true."

 

Jisoo just stares at her.

 

"Are you listening Jisoo?

 

 Jisoo.."

 

 She speaks softly, caressing her thumb on Jisoo's cheek.

 

"There's no way I would think of you that way.. there's no way I would feel that way about you."

 

 - "Why then? Why??"  Jisoo asks desperately in a whisper.

 

 Jennie remains silent as she stares at Jisoo, she wants to answer her, but tells her what?  How will she tell her?  She can't. She herself still can't put her finger on it, she herself doesn't know how. 

 

She herself didn't find the answer.

 

 

 "Jisoo, it's me.

 

 Me, not you."

 

Jennie starts making Jisoo look at her with confusion.

 

"The problem is me, not you."

 

 -"What?"

 

 "I.. I was afraid. Afraid of becoming so attached to you.." Jennie elaborates knowing deep down that this is not all of it, not the real reason, but what matters now is letting Jisoo know that she is not the reason in any way.

 

"I was afraid that I would become a pressure on you, a burden, if I got too close to you. so.. so I was trying to put.. I was trying to put a distance between us."

 

 She continues lowering her gaze, making Jisoo look at her with disbelief.

 

 "What makes you think that you might ever be a pressure on me?"

 

 Jisoo asks incredulously, making Jennie look up at her regretfully.

 

 - "I'm.. I'm sorry Jisoo.. I'm so sorry.."

 

 She apologizes, her tears are falling again, and Jisoo just looks at her ruefully for the last time before she lowers her head and places her hands over Jennie's, that are still holding her face.

 

 "I wasn't thinking right, it was all because of me."  Jennie says as she leans her forehead against Jisoo's. "Believe me, Jisoo, it's not what you were thinking at all.. it's all because of me. I'm so sorry."

 

Moments pass before Jisoo pulls her head away from Jennie as she looks down with straight expressions.

 

 "Don't bother try to make things back as they used to be.."

 

 Jisoo begins in an emotionless tone, 

 

 "It will be meaningless."

 

Because then it'll seem like she's doing it because Jisoo called her out on it, not because she feels so, therefore, meaningless.

 

Jisoo moves Jennie's hands off her face, gets up, walks past Jennie, and walks out of the room, leaving Jennie immobile, staring into the void, her wandering hands lying on her thighs.

 

 Seconds later, Jennie hears the main door opening and closing. 

 

 

Jisoo left.

 

 

 Again.. why was she avoiding Jisoo?  Why was she running away from her?

 

 Yeah, right.. it started from what happened that night in the alley.. 

 

 She can't tell her about what happened, nor about the dream she had overnight about her and Jisoo while they're having.. 

 

'No.'

 

 She couldn't tell her, ever since that night and that dream, how she was feeling every time her eyes met Jisoo's.. how she was whenever Jisoo stood close to her.. 

 

How she was every time she felt the touch of Jisoo's hand, how she would remember her passionate kiss on her neck and have the same overwhelming feeling, or how her heart pounds crazily every time Jisoo did any of that.. or about her dream, which she remembers vividly, in all its details as if it was real, like the way she was feeling and her desire for Jisoo in it.. the way Jisoo was touching her in it.

 

It sent shivers down her spine.

 

 She was running away from herself and what that meant. She was thinking that if she did that, it would go away over time and things would return to normal.. that she would be able to look at Jisoo again as she used to without thinking of her in any other way.. she was afraid that it would ruin their friendship. 

 

She was scared and anxious, so scared.

 

 But no.. it didn't go away, nor did it become any less.

 

 She became so absorbed in her attempt to get rid of the thoughts that she forgot that she was thus hurting Jisoo on the process.. that she forgot that Jisoo still needed her friend and that by doing that, Jennie was as if she was punishing Jisoo for something she didn't even remember.

 

 

 Once again, she only thought about herself.

 

 

 Jisoo didn't hold her accountable and didn't dwell on all her hurtful words that she said to her in Jeju, not even for her attempt to steal her, but she broke down in front of her only because she was turning away from her.

 

What she feels now, the pain that's haunting her heart, is from realizing how much pain Jisoo went through those past few days.

 

 Why didn't she realize this till now?  That what Jisoo sees and what she gets stuck on are the little details.

 

 

What has she done? How did she do her so wrong? 

 

 Never once expected that the breaking point she was afraid Jisoo would reach one day, would be her.

 

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 Jennie opens her eyes slowly and gradually, eyebrows creasing as she welcomes the morning light, blinking several times in an attempt to wake herself up.  She looks around the room and finds it empty, still.

 

 She has no idea when did she fell asleep. When Jisoo left the apartment last night, she tried to call her many times, but found her phone unreachable, probably turned off, and so she kept waiting for her to come back while sitting on the bed until she ended up sleeping unintentionally.

 

 She sits up and rubs her eyes to see more  clearly, and as she does, she hears voices outside the room, like they are talking.

 

 She gets up quickly and walks towards the door and out of the room.

 

 

 .  .  .  .  .

 

 

 "Do you really have to do this?"  Lisa asks sadly while holding her arms to her chest.

 

 - "Yes, it is a new project, a big one, and I have to always stay close to the company in the meantime." Jisoo answers and gives her a warm smile.

 

 "But it's so sudden! how are we going to stay here without you?" Chaeyoung protests, grumbling.

 

 Jisoo chuckles, reaches out and playfully ruffles Chaeyoung's hair.

 

 "It surprised me too, and in any case, you will be fine. It's only for a few days.. also it's not like I won't see you again. We will still meet at the university and I will visit you from time to time."

 

 Jisoo reassures them, but they are still upset, and while they are thus, they hear the sound of a door opening strongly, revealing a panicked Jennie as she walks in a hurry and then stops, looking with surprise when she sees Jisoo.

 

 Jisoo was standing at the door with a medium-sized suitcase.

 

 Jisoo looks at her for a moment before turning her head away and says with false enthusiasm, 

 "Good thing you woke up! I was just telling the girls.."

 

She speaks wearing a smile, and looks at Lisa and Chaeyoung, whose eyes were wandering between Jennie and her suspiciously.

 

"That I have to stay in another place for work purposes for a while.. so um.."

 

 She falls in an awkward silence, before she digresses quickly.

 

"Well then.. I'll be seeing you!"

 

 She says and turns around in a hurry, opens the door, steps out m and closes the door behind her, leaving the girls in complete silence and a uncomfortable atmosphere.

 

 When Lisa turns to Jennie and sees her pale face and terrified expression, she tries to say something but before she can, Jennie hurriedly moves and runs towards the door and exits, shutting it behind her.

 

 

 .  .  .  .  .

 

 

 "Jisoo! Stop!"  Jennie calls her as soon as she gets out of the apartment. Seeing Jisoo on her way to the elevator, pushing her to stop with her back facing Jennie.

 

 "Where are you going?" She asks in a trembling voice as soon as she is at some distance from Jisoo, 

 

"Get back inside, let's talk and solve this out."

 

 She says pleadingly with her hand pointing to the apartment, although she doesn't know how and from where she will even start.

 

 "Please.." She chokes back as she begins to feel a burning sensation in her eyes.

 

 "Please.. you can't leave like this." Jennie adds, when Jisoo doesn't answer her and remains silent.

 

 Jisoo stays silent for another seconds before she sighs and turns around until she meets Jennie.

 

 "Don't worry.. you can't feel the absence of who you didn't feel their presence, in the first place."

 

 She says in a calm tone, looking at her with distant expressions and with an almost non-existent smile before she turns back around and steps into the elevator.

 

 

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 To be continued

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So.. On which side you are?