To any other person, celebrities are merely only entertainment and a distraction from reality. They were important people, yes, because their success is respectable enough to netizens that they are deemed important. 

To Jung Yerin, celebrities are another level of success compared to any other profession. Sure, doctors and firefighters save lives, policemen stop crimes and teachers educate the young, and this is with no disrespect towards them because Yerin is well aware that they are needed people in this world, but if she had to pick which one she wanted to be, it would definitely be a celebrity and more specifically, an idol. 

Though, with an average life lived by her it was understandably impossible for her to achieve that dream of hers. She loved the concept of having fans dedicated to her only, giving you their undivided attention 24/7. Making music and dancing on stage while fans cheer for her so loudly. She felt like that was what she needed to be. 

But here she was doing the closest thing she could possibly ever think of instead of being an idol-- a fansite dedicated to an idol. 

There was obviously no correlation whatsoever, nobody was giving her any attention, nobody was cheering for her persay (except for the fandom when she posts her fancams) and she wasn’t making music or dancing on stage. And that was perfect.

See, Yerin knew she could never handle the life of being an idol. She knew the hours she had to put into it, the blood, sweat and tears that were involved. She knew everything there is to know about being an idol and that’s why she can’t proceed. 

Being a dedicated fansite, though? That was right up her alley.

This was the closest possible way of living the idol life without actually having to be an idol. It’s less effort, but at the same time it’s almost the same. You had to wake up the same hours to attend shows early and get good seats, carrying cameras with those big telephoto lenses probably needs the same stamina to dance and sing on stage, and most importantly, you get to see the idol up close and personal either through your lens and even face to face. Getting an insight to what their life is like without actually living it, but maybe Yerin just thought too much about this and really it’s not that serious.

So, her idol of choice? Hwang Eunbi or also known as her stage name, Sinb. The soloist of the generation.

The idol with the killer dance skills, voice sweet like honey and that smile that made Yerin’s heart throb for whatever reason. She knew she had to become a fansite to someone like Sinb, she was perfect in every aspect. Yerin loved every song Sinb has performed, even her b-sides, she would even cuss out the company for sometimes putting a really good what could’ve been title track into a b-side. 

Besides the obvious reasons, Yerin felt it in every vein of her body that she had to dedicate herself to Sinb no matter what. It sounds crazy, dedicating your entire life to someone who doesn’t even know you exist, but that’s the thing, Sinb knew Yerin existed.

Because every time Sinb had a comeback, Yerin would without fail attend her fan signings and after some time, the idol  began recognising her through the crowds of fans and even started giving her camera some attention with small winks and finger hearts here and there. Soon enough, Yerin became one of the most successful fansites in her own fandom and even to other fandoms due to their supportiveness towards Sinb.

If this wasn’t the life to live, then what was it, Yerin thought? 

She wasn’t obsessed with popularity or anything of that sort, she just enjoyed the feeling she gets every time she attended Sinb’s concerts, listening and enjoying the idol’s voice live and watch her dance her way through the stage, or the few times Sinb would look her way while performing her hit songs, winking subtly only for Yerin to notice because she knows Yerin always has her eyes on her the whole performance.

Yerin didn’t put Sinb on a pedestal. She was a fan and she was the idol. Two different worlds but without each other none of them would work out. Yerin knows when to respect Sinb and when to see Sinb as human, apparently not many fansites are aware of that though.

Yerin never flashes and bombards Sinb with her camera, never did she ever make Sinb uncomfortable by shoving her camera in Sinb’s face like some fansites do. She always made sure to keep her distance with Sinb but still knew how to capture Sinb at the most beautiful angles. And for some reason, Sinb always looked her way too. Yet again giving her camera the most attention out of all the fansites she has (which were many, by the way).

A notification rang through Yerin’s phone. The screen lights up, it’s exactly 12:00 AM KST. 

Sinb’s having a comeback in exactly 2 weeks from now. 

--

It’s finally d-day. Yerin was preparing for the comeback as much as Sinb was, she wanted to take things to another level with her photography and wanted to capture Sinb as raw as possible. She bought a couple of new lenses, deciding to sell her old camera and buy a new one since it was due for an update anyway. She just couldn’t wait for everyone to see Sinb in a new way, though to many the changes would be very subtle but to Yerin it was just a couple steps closer to being perfect. 

Yerin loved Sinb’s new song for this comeback, it was right up her alley and the dance was choreographed to perfection. It fit Sinb’s whole persona and it lived up to everyone’s expectations. It wasn’t a surprise that it topped the charts this time too. Yerin also loved the attention the idol was getting these days, but at the same time she’s  worried that the girl might be overworked. Even though Sinb has tweeted a couple of times how she’s been eating and sleeping well and wishes everyone to do the same. 

The live showcase for her new song ended a couple of hours ago and her fansigning was going to begin in a few minutes. Yerin was lucky enough this time to get a couple seats in front and nearer to the small stage. She set up her camera and made sure everything was correctly configured to her liking. She had to make sure everything was perfect and Yerin being the person she is, she double checked her camera every 5 seconds while anxiously waiting for Sinb to come out and start off their fansigning. 

And while she was doing that, other fans started to scream all of a sudden, catching Yerin off guard that she almost dropped her camera. She cussed everyone under her breath but then realised that Sinb is now on stage with her eyes staring with concern right at her. 

When Yerin met her eyes, the idol held up her thumb and mouthed “Are you okay?” and Yerin only grinned slightly under her mask and nodded furiously, a bit embarrassed that Sinb had to see that. 

 Sinb then finally greeted her fans and officially started her fansign session with a wide smile on her face, Yerin managed to capture that as she knew it was a genuine smile from the girl.

Fans started lining up at the left side of the stage and it started with the first row of seats. Yerin was in the third row so it would be quite a while before it became her turn. She then decided to switch her camera mode into video so she can start recording Sinb interacting with fans. She set it up on her tripod and positioned it perfectly to capture Sinb at an angle where you can see Sinb’s face while still leaving room for the fan to be seen as well. Yerin thinks it’s important to include the fan so that it doesn’t look one sided. 

Yerin pressed the record button and a sigh left her lips. She can finally relax a bit, she thought. So she took her phone out of her pocket and went straight to her notes app, opening the last note she had written which was about what to say to Sinb. Even after the many times she had met Sinb in front of her, sometimes she had difficulty trying to make conversation because she was a nervous wreck. It happened way too many times that she had to do something and that was to write down everything she can think of and just get things off her mind. 

She looked up from her phone to look at Sinb and the idol was making peace signs towards her camera. Yerin’s heart grew bigger at the sight and smiles started forming on her lips and her eyes. Then Sinb turned her attention to Yerin and gave her a small smile, almost as if Sinb was trying to reassure her that she knows she’s there and wants to acknowledge it. Yerin only nodded back at the idol in response.

Yerin wasn’t the chatty type in any way, she only converses with people she knows and who she’s comfortable with. Sometimes she felt bad for not making enough conversation with Sinb, or stuttering when Sinb asked her a question. Whenever that happened, though, Sinb would patiently wait for Yerin to gather her thoughts and let the girl answer at her own pace. Even the managers behind Sinb would always chuckle at the girl endearingly and let her finish her sentences.

Their interactions were short but Sinb always made an effort to get to know Yerin beyond that barrier as a fan and an idol. Sinb would always bring up their past conversations and ask Yerin how everything went and made sure to answer Yerin’s sticky note questions in detail. It almost seemed like Sinb wanted to be friends, but Yerin thought to herself, “she does that to everyone, doesn’t she?”

After about half an hour of just letting her camera record Sinb, she decided to stop and got back to taking pictures of Sinb since fans have given her cute funny hats to try on. Her heart felt warmer at the sight of her idol looking too cute with the decorative hats.

Yerin couldn’t help but admire Sinb through her new lens, she’s never not been blown away by the idol’s beauty. She almost seemed ethereal, like how can someone’s nose be that perfect? How can someone’s eyes shine the way Sinb’s did? 

The way her lips would curl up into a small smile when a fan compliments her, telling her that she’s pretty, Yerin knows that deep down she doesn’t fully believe it. For some reason Yerin felt like she knew how Sinb’s mind works.

And that’s not to say that Yerin felt like she knew the girl to a personal level, she just felt the way she does because she can relate to a certain level. All of Yerin’s life, she had been told that she’s beautiful and pretty but still, the only thing Yerin could do is smile and thank them. 

Yerin took a mental note to tell Sinb that she’s really pretty today, and for the first time in a while, she’s going to say that with her mask down just to prove to Sinb that she’s dead serious.

It seems like a weird thing to make a mental note about, but that’s just what being a fan is all about, isn’t it?

At least that’s how Yerin felt about it.

--

Time was actually ticking faster than Yerin had expected because all of a sudden, a staff member was asking for the third row of seats to line up by the left side of the stage. A flash of panic came before her realising that she was too busy taking pictures rather than rehearsing what she’s going to say to her idol. 

Yerin quickly switched her camera back to video mode and swiftly pressed the record button before even putting it back on her tripod, she knew all too well that her forgetfulness would cost her and the last thing she wanted was her interaction with Sinb to not be recorded.

Then she quickly fished out her album photobook that she had already prepared with sticky notes that asked a couple of questions that she was curious about Sinb and some funny phrases that she thought would make the idol laugh. She’s been doing this for a while that Sinb actually looks forward to it and always looks happy to answer. 

Due to her lack of awareness towards her surroundings, Yerin was the last in line this time but that was fine with her. She wasn’t eager to meet Sinb like that, she was just glad she got this opportunity even though she’s been doing this for a couple of months now. 

She looks up to Sinb who’s adorably greeting the fans who were in their turn to meet her, casually signing the photobook while listening to the fans talk to her and trying to respond back to the best of her abilities.

As the line gets shorter, Yerin’s poor fragile heart thumps harder. Sinb is literally right there, and yes while she’s not eager to meet her that way, she can’t help but get nervous because sometimes Sinb is just too pretty to handle. 

A couple more fans in front of her get their chance to spend a couple of minutes with the girl and soon enough.. It was her turn.

She steps on the stage and feels her hands get cold and clammy,  her knees getting a little weak and wobbly but she managed to arrive in front of Sinb without making a fuss. 

The idol had the biggest smile on her face, clearly pleased to see her favourite fan right in front of her. Yerin sat down in front of Sinb and lowered her mask so that Sinb could see her face properly. Sinb’s mouth opens slightly, a little surprised. Of all the fansignings Yerin had attended, the idol has only seen Yerin’s face once. She couldn’t help but be taken aback by Yerin’s pretty and doll like face. 

Sinb shakes her head to snap herself back into reality, a wide smile forming on her lips with eyes attentively looking back at Yerin’s. “How have you been, Yerin-ssi? I’m so glad to see you again”

The idol takes the photobook and flips through the pages, taking note of the many sticky notes Yerin had left for her to scribble on. 

“I’ve been okay, what about you Sinb-ssi?” Yerin manages to reply to her idol, she even maintained eye contact before Sinb placed her attention towards the photobook. 

Sinb looks up to her, “Ah, you know me--I was really tired while preparing for the comeback but it’s honestly worth it because I get to see you every time” the last few words slips through . Realising what she had said, she looks up to meet her eyes with Yerin again and the girl just has a surprised expression, probably not expecting for her idol to say that to her specifically. And if Yerin had heard that clearly, Sinb said “you” and not “my fans”. 

Yerin only sat mum and Sinb pursed her lips, gazing away from the girl and tried to focus on the photobook now. The first sticky note had a question that made her laugh, immediately shoving away the ridiculous embarrassed feeling she had inside her chest, she scribbled a ridiculous answer and put in brackets for the actual answer. A soft giggle left Yerin’s lips while watching Sinb answer her questions. Without looking up, Sinb’s lips  curved upwards into a small shy smile after hearing Yerin’s adorable giggle.

“Sinb-ssi, I have something really important to tell you..” Yerin says in almost a whisper. The idol caught every word and paused whatever she was scribbling and gave Yerin all of her attention. She notices Yerin’s cheeks getting redder, along with her ears and her eyes are everywhere except looking into hers. 

Sinb only nodded for her to continue, eager to know what was so important that Yerin was this flustered and red about. Yerin took a deep breath.

“You… look really pretty today… I mean--you look pretty everyday, it’s just today--the new outfits and all.. Um, I just wanted you to know that I mean it and it’s true” 

For some reason, Yerin’s heart was pounding. It’s bizarre, though every fan felt this way, right? Why does this feel so different?

The idol was caught off guard, her cheeks becoming flushed and her eyes unsure where to look at. Sinb shook her head, it’s just a compliment, why is my heart going crazy?

“Ah.. thank you Yerin-ssi…” she expressed her gratitude as best she could. “I’ve been told that the whole day today by many people, but if I’m going to be honest, I’ve only believed it now, so thank you.” Sinb looked up to meet Yerin’s soft gazing dark brown eyes, it made her stomach leap twice fold. She feels her hands get chilly so she gives Yerin a small smile and gets back to her photobook. 

“You always ask me questions, what if I asked you a question this time, Yerin-ssi?” Sinb said all of a sudden with her eyes still on the photobook, fingers busy.

“Okay” Yerin replied after a couple of seconds, not wanting to trouble Sinb by staying silent and making her look up from what she’s doing.

But even so, Sinb looks up anyway, pausing her signing and staring into Yerin’s eyes. The girl can tell that her idol was contemplating as she squinted her eyes in front of her, she knew her body language pretty well. After all, she’s been watching the girl through her cameras for a few months now. 

So Yerin nodded, reassuring Sinb that it’s okay to ask whatever she was curious about. Sinb pursed her lips into a thin line, her eyebrows that were knitted slowly relaxed as her expressions tried to do the same. 

“Are you seeing anyone?”

--

“Are you seeing anyone?”

The words rang into Yerin’s eardrums. Did she hear this right? 

Taken aback, Yerin only sat there in disbelief. What did Sinb mean by that? Why was she asking this in the first place? And did Sinb actually just ask her that?

“Do you mean if I’m here with anyone else?” Yerin questioned, her intentions pure and naive, “because if so… no. I always come to your fansigns alone..” she trailed off.

“No Yerin-ssi, I’m asking if you’re seeing anyone romantically?” Sinb pressed on the question. 

A soft “Um..” came out of Yerin, not sure what she should answer. She’s not really seeing anyone at the moment, nobody really interests her anyway boy or girl for that matter. All of her attention is on Sinb, anyway. 

Sinb only patiently waited for an answer, moving back her attention towards the photobook and answering the questions on the sticky notes. She didn’t want to pressure Yerin into answering too. 

“No, I am not. I don’t really date…” 

Yerin noticed her idol stopped moving her pen after she spoke but only for a quick second before continuing. Her heart pounding and this time she’s not sure if it’s because of anxiety or because of Sinb’s question. 

Sinb only hummed as a reply with a small smile appearing on her lips that didn’t go unnoticed by Yerin. She continued signing the rest of the photobook and there was a blank sticky note plastered at the top of one of the pages. Her eyebrows shot up in curiosity as to why it was blank. The idol looked up and made a questioning face towards Yerin.

“Omo, I’m sorry I think I forgot what I wanted to write there so I left it blank and wanted to get back to it later. I must’ve forgotten about it all together!” Yerin cried, a little panicked that she might’ve offended Sinb in any way.

“It’s okay Yerin-ssi, I’ll just write whatever I want here if that’s okay? I don’t get to do this often, not answering a question and just writing what I’m thinking.” 

Yerin nodded furiously with her hands gesturing towards the photobook indirectly saying “go ahead” , still feeling a little bad about it. Sinb continued to write something quickly before moving on to the next page. 

The girl couldn’t catch what Sinb wrote so she just kept in mind to look at it after the fansigning was finished.

Yerin took this time to fully take in the idol who’s in front of her. Seeing her through her lens is one thing, but face to face like this? It’s almost unreal. Sinb was perfect from head to toe, no matter what she’s wearing or doing. Comfortable silence falls between them with the background of other fans chit chatting and the clicks of camera drowning behind. Their hearts are both thumping hard but it’s not as nerve wracking as it was a couple of minutes ago.

Sinb was almost done with signing Yerin’s photobook when she called her manager to come over. He leaned towards Sinb as she wanted to whisper, his facial expressions were hard to read by the other girl, he only nodded and listened, looking towards Yerin the whole time.

After the manager left, Sinb signed a couple more pages of the photobook and lastly the album cover and capped her marker. Her hands a little shaky and still chilly from before. She pushed the photobook and album back to Yerin with a big smile. 

“Thank you for coming to meet me this time too, Yerin-ssi. I hope we can continue to meet, maybe under other circumstances too” Sinb said, her voice lower as she said the last few words. Yerin caught all of them, but wasn’t sure what the idol meant by that either. 

Even so, her lips curve upwards towards Sinb’s words. “Of course” she simply replied. 

They said their goodbyes with Yerin bowing her head towards Sinb and the idol doing the same, shy smiles present on their faces with cheeks faintly flushed red. Yerin quickly scurried away with small but fast steps to get off stage as quickly as possible, it made the idol giggle.

Once Yerin was back at her seat, she pressed the record button on her camera to stop the recording and switched it back to camera mode. She put the signed photobook and album back into her bag and tried to calm herself down from all the nerves she was feeling. Her hands were shaking like crazy and her legs were more weak compared to before. She even tried to physically shake off the nerves herself by doing small up and down jumps, but of course, nothing much worked. 

Her cold hands reached towards her phone in her pocket and informed her twitter followers that she just got done with her fansigning with Sinb. She always wants to update other fans on what’s going on currently since she is an active fansite. Her twitter was almost like a fan account too since she tweets about other things about Sinb and not just her pictures. 

Once she sent the tweet, her nerves seemed to be finally calming down so she took a few deep breaths to steadily get herself back into the zone of photographing Sinb. It’s now the fourth row of seats’ turn to meet Sinb, the second last line of fans. This went by quickly, the girl thought.

The rest of the fansign went on the same, she photographed Sinb doing cute and funny things and switched back and forth between video and photo mode on her camera. It’s nothing new to Yerin, but this time the only difference is that her heart couldn’t stop thumping. At this point, she thinks she’s getting a panic attack but she knows that’s not the case because she feels fine, just a bit flustered with a heavy heart. 

Before you know it, it came to the last segment of the fansigning and it was time for Sinb to perform her comeback song. The fans whoo-ed cheering their favourite idol and Yerin participated in that, excited to see the performance before her. She quickly switches to another lens and sets up her camera on her tripod again, making sure to get all of the stage so that the viewers will be able to see Sinb from a good angle without anything being cut off.

Sinb quickly came back on stage with her backup dancers and fans cheered yet again for her. She couldn’t help but giggle and laugh because of it.

Yerin pressed the record button on her camera and readjusted her camera to make Sinb in the center of the frame. And after a few seconds the new song played and Sinb’s expression immediately changed as she started singing the words and moving her body to the beat.

Yerin was completely mesmerized, she’s seen Sinb perform live a million times at this point, and she can watch her one million times more, but she will never get tired of how Sinb works her way through the stage.