YEAR: 2182

The Survivor's Journals

February 3, 2182

Saw a man. He was a lot older. Alone.  Thought he didn't see me but suddenly he twisted around, his gun pointed right at me. Called me a pretty boy but meant it nasty. Dared me to take a step. 

I raised my hands up and said I didn't want any trouble. That we could team up or we could just both be on our way and forget we ever saw each other. 

He laughed, had no interest in friendship. Said he wasn't that stupid. "But yeah, let's just both be on our way and forget we ever saw each other. You don't put a bullet in my back and I don't put a bullet in yours." 

The way he said it made me nervous, but it seems ok so far. I was scared he would follow me, find the shelter and kill me anyway. I didn't head in that direction though until it'd been hours since I saw him. 

February 17, 2182

Guess he was sincere.

April 27, 2182

I went fishing. I don't know if the fish are safe to eat so I tossed them back. But god baby it felt so good. I stood barefoot in the water. Time seemed to go by so quickly, suddenly the sun was setting and I had to rush back home. I don't know, I'm still scared of the darkness.

May 3, 2182

Home. I called this home. I've never called it home before. But I guess it is now, isn't it? Home was always with you. 

August 7, 2182

There's 4 of them. 2 men, one probably in his 50s, the other probably around my age, a woman, maybe a bit younger and a little girl. The woman looks scared, sick, dirty. The little one too. My mind is filling with terrible thoughts and god I hope none of them are right. 

There's a building down the road. Used to be a diner. Seems like they're using that as their base. Hope they don't explore to much. Makes me nervous to think about it.

August 9, 2182

Heard the woman screaming last night. One of the men too. Then a gunshot. Then nothing. I should have gone and checked but I'm a coward. I didn't. But this morning I saw her. She seemed ok. I didn't see any gun injuries. Maybe it was to scare her.

August 10, 2182

He hit that little girl so hard she hit the ground. I can't remember ever feeling so angry before. she can't be more than 5 or 6. How could he just hit her like that? The woman started to stand up but the older man pointed his gun at her and she sat back down.

I have to do something. 

August 12, 2182

I'm going to kill them. Both of them. I couldn't get a good shot or they'd already both be dead. The things I saw them doing to that woman, to that little girl. I'm going to kill them if it's the last thing I do. 

August 14, 2182

Watched them through the scope of my rifle for hours. They all sat down to eat. Guns were a few feet away. I moved in closer and was so slow and patient-I knew I couldn't mess this up. When I got closer and was able to get them in my sights I put a bullet in both of them and then didn't stop. Shot both of them til my clip was empty. 

The girl crawled into the woman's lap and buried her face into her chest and the woman held her so tightly. I know I scared the girl and it made me sick.

Do I show myself? 

August 15, 2182

God they slept in the diner with the bodies still in there. They can't stay there like that. The bodies will start to smell, attract animals. I doubt shes strong enough to drag the bodies out though.

##

I went to the diner. When I opened the door the woman swung around and pointed a shot gun at me. I raised my hands in the air. Said I wanted to help. She laughed, and I noticed the little girl hiding behind her.

Told her I saw what the men did to them, that I'd been the one to kill them. She took a few steps back, keeping the gun pointed at me.

And I apologized. I apologized! What the . Why should I apologize? But when I told her I did it she seemed mad. Said I was sorry but when I saw what they did to them it made my blood boil. She said it was how they survived. She had to let these men abuse her and her child so they would agree to protect them, help them find food. 

Sick s. 

August 17, 2182

Her name is Joohyun. The little girl, Chaewon. I brought them home, showed them the books and toys and clothes that had been stocked for the rest of Cellar Man's family. She laughed. Joohyun laughed while going through the clothes, the books.

Her eyes though, they were sad. She didn't trust me but I can't say I blame her. Chaewon was thrilled to see toys and books. 

I told her I don't expect anything. That just a conversation is enough. Friendship. Companionship. That she was free to leave with Chaewon whenever she wanted. That I'd help her pack a bag. 

She asked if we could wait to talk until morning. I agreed.

August 18, 2182

I think they're gonna stay for a little while. Chaewon doesn't seem to care but Joohyun still watches me close, gets nervous if I get to near to her or Chaewon. I keep telling her she can leave if she wants. That I won't force her to stay, but I don't know if she believes me. 

August 19, 2182

I wanted to go outside. Get some air. Joohyun didn't want to. I went out and didn't even think to bring the keys. Figured Joohyun would let me back in.

Why would I think that? I'm so dumb. She wouldn't let me back in. She locked me out. Could hear her soft voice apologizing from the other side.

I wouldn't stop beating on the door.

"I saved you, saved your kid," 

After a few moments of silence I heard the locks click. I opened the door and she immediately started apologizing, begged me not to hurt them, that they would leave right away.

Told her I wasn't gonna hurt them, that they didn't have to leave. Just... don't lock me out.

Things were weird for the rest of the day.

August 23, 2182

I ed up. Things were finally back to normal after she locked me out and I ed up. Chaewon went for your hippo, had it in her hands and I yelled "no!" She jumped in surprise and dropped it, then ran into Joohyun's arms. Joohyun held her so tightly and stared up at me, and she was so scared.

I apologized, said Chaewon could play with any other toy in the shelter, but this one was special. I don't think she understood but Joohyun did. I told her about you. How I wanted to marry you, how you were my world and she smiled sadly, opened the locket around her neck to reveal a picture of her with Chaewon and a man who had ears that stuck out the way Chaewon's do. 

I don't know what she told Chaewon but the little girl came up to me and said she was sorry for taking my hippo. I know I should have said she didn't need to apologise, that it was fine, but I didn't.

September 3, 2182

I think she trusts me.

September 17, 2182

I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I love you I love you I love you. Only you always you. It's always been you. No one could ever take your place or replace you. No one else can even come close. I'm so ing sorry.

September 18, 2182 

She crawled into my bed and got on top of me. Before I could ask her what she was doing she kissed me on the mouth and she reached down to touch me and it felt so good. No one has touched me in so long. I've touched myself a total of once since the end of the world started. And now this beautiful woman was on top of me and touching me and grinding against me and my name so quietly in my ear.

And she took her little shorts off and pulled down mine and then ! she was so warm and tight and I rolled her over and took her and I had to cover with my hand so she wouldn't wake up Chaewon.

And it's been so long it was over way too soon but god it felt so good. There was so much pleasure and then just guilt.

And then I couldn't get her out of my bed fast enough and I don't think she understood but I made her get out. Get away from me don't touch me don't look at me. 

And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. All I could think about was you. All I could see was your face. Almost felt like I could smell you, hear your soft breathing.

I never deserved you.

September 21, 2182

She's been trying to talk to me but everytime I look at her I feel sick. Feel like I betrayed you, let you down. Could even hear your mother's voice in my head "I told you that boy was no good, didn't I?" 

Joohyun keeps saying I didn't do anything wrong. That you're gone, her husband is gone, that moving on isn't betrayal, isn't cheating. I just want her to shut up. 

September 23, 2182

Chaewon drew me a picture for my birthday. It was me and Joohyun, with her standing between us, holding our hands. We were in front of a house with lots of flowers and a big bright yellow sun. Above each of our heads were our names: "mommy", "Chaewon", "daddy."

ing daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Joohyun saw and apologized but it was too late and I couldn't get it out of my head. Made me think of things I hadn't allowed myself to think about in years. Seeing that test on the bathroom counter. The smile on your face as you called me daddy. The sadness in the doctor's eyes while he explained what a tubal pregnancy was. The one hoarse sob that escaped you when you realized what it meant. The sharpness of my heart being ripped apart as I held you while you sobbed. 

And I broke. I burst into tears and I ripped up the picture. Chaewon's small smile vanished and she started to cry. And I hated every single thing in that moment and I just wanted to die.

I just want to die.

September 25, 2182

I can't remember what happened. I read the last journal but I can't remember what happened after. I woke up, covered in vomit, hungover, thirsty and disoriented. Joohyun and Chaewon were gone. I called out for them but received no response.

I got up. Looked around. Noticed a few things missing. The stuff they'd had from before plus some food and water, a couple sweaters. Some of the toys and kid books. 

I ran outside, I didn't even change my clothes, didn't tie my shoes. I don't even know why I cared so much. After we'd had (god I'm so ing sorry I'm so sorry I love you so much I'm so sorry)I just wanted her gone and now she was gone and I was going out and looking for her? 

I jogged down the street to the diner, but they weren't there, was no sign they'd been there recently. 

I searched the other buildings in the area with no luck. Called out for them. Loudly. I can't remember the last time I was that loud. Always been too scared to get loud. Afraid the wrong people might hear, the wrong animals. Afraid they might come looking for the source of the noise.

 But I didn't care. It was worth it if Joohyun heard me. If Chaewon heard me. I looked around, called their names again and waited, listened for anything that might signal they'd heard.

There was nothing. I was out there for hours, went so far I almost got lost, but I couldn't find them, couldn't tell where they went. Finally it started to get late so I had to turn around and go back. 

It had been dark for hours by the time I made it back. Was lucky the moon was so bright or I would have been lost. I didn't feel lucky.

September 28, 2182

I'm just useless. I couldn't protect you, couldn't save you. I let you down. And now I've done the same to Joohyun. To Chaewon. Next time I need to just mind my own business. I can't save anyone, protect anyone. I'll just mess up, hurt them. 

October 12, 2182

I found Joohyun's body. oh my God. I didn't even realize it was her at first. She was so dirty, so bloody. her long hair was caked full of mud and her face was dirty and covered in blood. Her clothes were ripped and filthy. She only had one shoe. She was missing an ear and there were chunks taken out of her. I think the dogs had been eating her, but where her ear had been...I think someone cut it off.

I cried. I fell to my knees and I just cried. I don't know how long I sat there but I cried until there was nothing left in me. And I realized Chaewon wasn't around. I stood up and called her name. Begged her to come out. But there was nothing. 

October 13, 2182

I buried Joohyun. At least I buried her. I wanted to bury you. Give you the respect you deserved but I let you down. I'm so sorry baby. 

I buried Joohyun under a nice big tree, placed rocks all the way around the hole, tried to make it look nice. 

I couldn't stop thinking about Chaewon. She was only 4. I'd thought she was a little older but no, only just 4. How would she survive by herself? If she was still alive.

October 18, 2182

I spent days looking for Chaewon, calling out for her. Can't tell you how many miles I went, how many hours I spent just looking her, forgetting to eat, to drink, just trying to find that little girl.

She was gone. 

November 27, 2182

Happy 31st. We're starting to get old now, huh? Our baby would be 7 by now. Not really a baby anymore. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since Chaewon called me daddy. Still haven't found her. Probably won't ever find her, not alive at least. There's no way she could survive out there on her own, especially now, it's so ing cold outside, I can't even get too close to the door. Nothing could survive out there. I've been wearing layers and I still get a chill from time to time.

December 19, 2182

It's been storming for days. It started with the bitter cold towards the end of November and transformed into an ice storm. I couldn't get out if I wanted to, everything is frozen. I can hear the wind whipping all the way down here and it's lucky I found this place. Actually feel kind of lucky this time. Freezing to death would be a terrible way to go.

 

 

 

_________________

Didn't plan on posting another chapter so soon but I had to factory reset my phone the other day and thought I'd lost everything I'd written. But I just found out that everything was saved so to celebrate I'm posting another chapter!

 

Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
No comments yet