Warning(s): cursing
Length: 7.0k words

You didn’t want to see Baekhyun after everything that had transpired, but it seemed as if fate was on a mission to bring the two of you together once more.

It started with a phone call.

“What’s up?” you asked the caller. It was Seulgi, and it was a Friday night when college beach bonfires reached some of their peaks. Even you were attending one.  

“What’s up?” Seulgi parroted mockingly. “Chun,” she remarked, “you have no idea what the just happened.”

“Um…” You were momentarily distracted by the volleyball game your sorority sisters had started against some frat boys. “What happened?” you asked after peeling your eyes off the scene. “Are you okay? Was it something bad?”

“It’s about Baekhyun.”

Oh.

You had to admit that your heart dropped at the mention of his name. It had only been five days since you last saw him at the hospital. He had begged you not to leave and even cried when you tried to go, so you stayed with him until the doctors deemed him healthy enough to be discharged. Baekhyun didn’t have a ride home either, and he insisted on having you accompany him when he walked back to his apartment. There were no words exchanged between the two of you during that awkward walk, but you thought that was enough closure—despite him not even thanking for you for staying. After all, you just wanted to get past this era of your life.

“What happened to him now?” you asked, trying to make your voice sound as indifferent as possible.

“Come to the apartment,” Seulgi replied cryptically, “and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Why can’t you tell me now?”

“Because!” Seulgi exclaimed. “Just come over! It’ll be worth it.” When you took a sharp intake of breath at hesitation, Seulgi clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Look,” she started, “I know it’s probably hard for you to want to come here especially since, you know, but I promise you it’s worth it.”

“I’m at a bonfire,” you reasoned, “and my sorority is hosting, so I can’t just leave.”

“ your sorority!” Seulgi exclaimed. “Just come over, and I promise you that you’ll thank me that you came instead of stayed at some godforsaken bonfire.”

Truth be told, you still didn’t want to go—especially not to her and Baekhyun’s apartment, but you didn’t want to stay either. After your harrowing experience at the last Friday party that you attended, you were seriously starting to consider stopping going to them altogether. Not only did you expose yourself to illegal substances, you met Baekhyun at one of them, and he was only at the surface of the worst type of men to exist. Though you were at a bonfire, you had already detached your mind from enjoying it due to prior experience.

“Fine,” you told Seulgi, and you heard her exclaim in joy. “I’ll be there in 10.”

- - - - -

Driving up to Seulgi’s apartment and parking your car next to Baekhyun’s red Mercedes was a literal trip. There were so many memories—both painful and happy—tied to that shiny convertible, and as much as you wanted to get past those events, Baekhyun would most likely haunt you for the foreseeable future. From all the poems he recited, the moments where his humanity shined through his alcoholism, to your time taking a ride in the infamous Mercedes, you liked some of it. A lot of it, actually.

As bad as Baekhyun was, he knew how to do it so well.

You knocked on the front door with a shaky hand because you figured that if Baekhyun’s car was parked in its usual place, then he must be home. Right? How else could he get around if his car was in the parking structure?

Your assumptions were correct when the man himself opened the door.

, even after everything, he still rendered you breathless and shy.

It was like the very first time that you saw him at a party—before he grew out a mullet and dyed his hair red and black. When you saw him, you didn’t know who he was, but you were already enchanted by how attractive he acted around everyone. Every guy at that party was either good friends with him or hated his existence because at the time he was with some famous LA model. He drank his alcohol well even back then, and never got close enough to bump into him because he was always surrounded with so many people. His smile, his style, his everything—he didn’t have to talk to you for you feel giddy near him because his presence was powerful enough.

Standing here, in front of him, with his eyes lazily set upon yours, reminded you of that first party, and that took you all the way back to the night you allowed him to spit in your mouth.

“Hey,” Baekhyun greeted in a husky tone. “You came.”

You averted your gaze from his as if it displeased you to see him. “I came because Seulgi called.” You pushed past Baekhyun and made a point to wrinkle your nose as you ducked under his arm. The light to Seulgi’s room was open, but before you could walk to it, she was walking out. “Hey,” you nodded when you saw her, “what’s up? You said you wanted to show me something?”

Seulgi looked confused for a moment before dropped to form an O. “Look behind you,” she instructed, but when you did, you only saw Baekhyun leaning against the now-closed front door. “That’s what I want you to see,” Seulgi explained. “Baekhyun. He’s back. We made up.”

“What?” you asked, shocked and scandalized. “What’re you talking about?”

“We made up,” Baekhyun answered for Seulgi, and you turned to see him take a sip of beer from a half-full bottle. When he noticed you stare at his hand, he visibly straightened himself up. “Don’t worry,” he reassured you, “I’m drinking way less. Just enough so that I don’t get bad withdrawal symptoms, but not enough to get drunk.”

“We’ve been talking for the past few days too,” Seulgi piped up. “How come you didn’t tell me that you went back to see him after I left?”

“I thought you didn’t want to see him again,” you mumbled to Seulgi. Though she and Baekhyun must have apologized to each other if they had been talking for a few days, it hurt you to say it in front of him. “I thought you said you didn’t want to affiliate yourself with him anymore.”

“Well, yeah,” Seulgi muttered, seemingly embarrassed to be saying this in front of her best friend, “but that was before he came to me crying his eyes out.”

“Don’t mention that I was crying,” Baekhyun quipped from behind you.

“Basically,” Seulgi continued, “we made up. We talked and cried—mostly cried—but we made up.” She first smiled at you and then at Baekhyun who was now standing beside you. “It doesn’t change anything that happened already, but ya know.” Seulgi took a deep breath and sighed. “We only have one life, and sometimes it’s easier to stay and fix things than it is to go out and find new ones, know what I mean?”

“Uh-huh,” you said cautiously. “I’m happy for you guys, but why am I here again?”

“Well, I had to tell you because it made me happy,” Seulgi replied, “and uhh…” She glanced at Baekhyun. “Romeo has something to tell you.”

“Hey, I’m not Romeo!” Baekhyun exclaimed, holding a hand to his chest. “Romeo ing . I’m more of like a—” He quieted himself when Seulgi glared at him. “Whatever,” he muttered under his breath. “I do want to talk to you, though.” He was taller than you, and looking into his eyes from a downward point intimidated you like hell, but there was nothing in his demeanor that made your blood run hot. Usually, he had too-cool attitude about him, but not tonight. “In private.”

“About what?”

“About everything.”

There was a silence that infiltrated the room, and you and Baekhyun looked at each other with what you understood as awkwardness. Everything was a lot, but it weighed heavier considering what had happened between you two.

“I’m gonna go to the store,” Seulgi broke the silence. “You guys better not do anything weird while I’m gone.”

“We won’t,” Baekhyun answered for the both of you. His eyes didn’t leave yours for a moment which only heightened the sense of tension in the air. And when Seulgi left, the tension only blossomed into restlessness. What could Baekhyun possibly have to say to you? “Let’s go to my room,” he said after a while, and you reluctantly followed him there.

Baekhyun sat cross-legged in the middle of his room which was still as unkempt as the last time you were there. Although the empty beer bottles that had littered the floor were gone, all sorts of books and papers were still in random places—on the floor or shoved into messy piles. His copy of The Beautiful and Damned was still on the same place where you first spotted it, and your mind immediately recalled that fateful night where both you and Seulgi thought Baekhyun was going to die. Just looking at it made you uncomfortable, and you struggled to sit across from Baekhyun when that book was still there.

“What’s wrong?” Baekhyun asked. “You don’t want to sit on my…?” He stopped himself which made you grin.

You had never seen Baekhyun not know what to say. He was the type of guy to always have something to say because English major him was too witty to be rendered speechless. In addition to that, he had gotten visibly flustered at his own words and was now rubbing his neck awkwardly.

“Sit on your lap?” you finished for him. “No, I don’t think it’d be right.”

“Right, right,” Baekhyun agreed while nodding. “Sorry, that was dumb.”

“Mhm,” you hummed, already liking this more vulnerable side of him. It was nice to see him at a loss for words when he had been doing it to you since you first met him. “So, what do you wanna talk about?”

“Well, I wanna thank you,” Baekhyun said, now composed, “and I also wanna apologize for everything that I’ve done.” Though Baekhyun was the one apologizing, you couldn’t bear to look at him. Again, the word everything was so loaded, and seeing him so close in a space so blessed and cursed made this moment exponentially more emotional. It was only when Baekhyun placed a hand on your arm that you looked into his eyes once more. “I was a complete ,” Baekhyun confessed, “and I was in no position to act the way I did to you—to someone who only showed me kindness and warmth. I’m sorry for that, I just—what?”

In the midst of Baekhyun’s admittedly genuine apology, you had started to contort your face into an expression of confusion. You couldn’t help it, however; he just didn’t sound like himself when the word sorry was on his tongue.

“N-Nothing,” you stammered, “I’m just not used to it, I guess.”

“To what? Me apologizing?”

“Yeah,” you mumbled, still in awe of just how quickly Baekhyun could change. Granted, he nearly died, and he was at such a low point that he had to beg you into staying with him at the hospital. “The last time you said ‘sorry’ to me was when…” Flashbacks of the night where he drunkenly told you that he slept with your best friend came back to you, and you refused to recall it any further.

“But this is different,” Baekhyun rightfully claimed. “I mean it. I’m sorry—for everything.”

You took a deep breath and looked into Baekhyun’s worried eyes. “Honestly, it’s fine,” you waved off. “Don’t get me wrong, you a lot, and I cried even more, but I’m not gonna spend the next year weeping about it, y’know?”

Baekhyun nodded as if he understood, but it was clear from his puzzled expression that he was having a hard time wrapping his head around your quick forgiveness.

However, the way you saw it, this was as much as your fault as it was his.

How could you let a boy tear you apart at the seams and blame him? Your undoing wasn’t his; it was yours, and you were done drinking from the poisoned cup. He didn’t love you, but you loved you. Yes, that statement was correct even after you had let him crush you with his kisses. You loved you, and you weren’t going to torture yourself by wallowing in self-pity or self-hatred. The way to love yourself was to forgive and move on and grow.

“You know, I really like this about you,” Baekhyun said after a moment’s silence. “You’re not the type to stay angry. I really appreciate that because…” He smiled sheepishly. “You know how I get.”

“Oh, do I?” you asked sarcastically.

“I mean it, though,” Baekhyun continued. He leaned forward and squeezed your thigh. If he had been anyone else, you would have pushed him away, but he was him, and even at this stage, he could still have some of his way. “I’ve never told you that I liked that about you, haven’t I?” You shook your head and he shook his. “I’m sorry I never told you. I really appreciated how you forgave me even after I was such a .”

“Okay,” you interrupted, “you have to stop apologizing or I’m gonna start thinking you’re an imposter.”

Baekhyun chuckled hotly and resumed his slouched, sitting position. The absence of his hand on your thigh made you yearn for him, but you weren’t as bold as he was in asking for what you wanted.

“Are we good?” he asked. “No hard feelings?”

“It’s too early to say,” you admitted, “but I think we can only grow from this point.”

“I like that,” Baekhyun chimed with a nod. “Grow. It’s such a nice word. If you say it out loud, it feels like you’re expanding into the air.” His gaze drifted from yours and looked around the room, but he quickly caught himself getting into one of those English-major moods. “But yeah, I completely agree. We can only get better from here.”

“About that…” You propped your chin atop your balled fist. “What changed? And how did it change so quickly?”

Baekhyun sighed deeply. “Well, it’s a long story.”

“Good. I love stories.”

He grinned handsomely at you, and you raised your brows in quiet expectation. “I don’t wanna die, Chun,” Baekhyun whispered. “Especially not when I still have a lot to prove.”

Pause. He was the cross necklace he always wore—the one from his mom as you recalled.

“Last year,” Baekhyun continued shakily, “my parents cut me off, and my mom told me I was the biggest disappointment in her life.” Baekhyun coughed and refused to look at you, but you could tell that talking about it pained him. “I was ing drunk, of course, and she was crying and saying that she hated herself for having given birth to someone like me. I acted like I was fine, but I really wasn’t, you know?” He shrugged dully. “That gets to you—your own mom telling you that you don’t mean anything to her anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out.

“Don’t be,” Baekhyun assured you with a dismissive glance. “I deserved it. I was a disappointment to the her and the human race, and I deserved every bit of it.” He shook his head distastefully, and you could almost see how regretful he was of his past actions. “I haven’t seen her or my dad since, but I just wanna prove to them that I can be better—that I will be better.”

“You are better,” you insisted. “You’re taking some of your first steps.”

“I just hope that I didn’t start taking them too late.” Baekhyun twirled the cross in his fingers a few more times before letting it hang from his neck. “I lost her,” he whispered. “I lost my own mom.” You thought he was about to start crying, but all he did was curl his lip in disgust. “How ed up do you have to be for your own mom to walk out on you? I .”

You considered consoling Baekhyun, but you figured that you wouldn’t get anywhere with that. He had already accepted his own shortcomings and comforting him would only be redundant. So instead, you decided that you wanted to understand him better.

“Is that why you were crying for your mom?” you asked cautiously.

Baekhyun brows furrowed to form a frown. “How do you know that?” he snapped. It was obviously a touchy subject, and you had walked right on it.

“S-Seulgi,” you stammered. “She translated for me.”

“Oh, makes sense. Don’t worry about it,” Baekhyun reassured you. “It’s just,” he paused, “hard for me.”

“Hearing and seeing a grown man cry for his mom,” you added, “was hard for me too. I genuinely thought