Out there living

Lifespan of a Fly

“So this is it, then?” Jinyoung asked, nodding towards the couch Mark’s host family was sending him with as a parting gift. It was clearly well-used, but still sturdy and serviceable. It was a neutral color, too, which meant it would go seamlessly with whatever décor they decided on.

 

“Yes,” Mark said. “Do you like it? Or does it agitate your furniture allergy?”

 

“Shut it. It’s fine. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t hate furniture.”

 

“Then why do you avoid it so much?”

 

“It’s an inconvenience to get rid of whenever I have to uproot.”

 

“Ah. I didn’t think of that.”

 

“Speaking of inconveniences, how are we supposed to get this to Inje?”

 

“The pieces separate, so they’ll fit into a van.”

 

“Which neither of us have.”

 

“Jackson does. He and the guys are coming over, to drop the van off.” Mark paused. “I should warn you, though—they’re all varying degrees of pissed off at you.”

 

Jinyoung nodded. “Justifiably so. I ghosted their best friend.”

 

“And now I’m moving in with you all the same. They’d probably benefit from some reassurance that I’m not about to make a colossal mistake.”

 

“I’m not sure me, the ghoster, reassuring them would be very reassuring.”

 

Mark shrugged. “Don’t do it again. You’ll win back their trust eventually.”

 

Jinyoung wasn’t so sure about that. He wouldn’t be surprised if all three of them were convinced that Mark had just reentered a toxic relationship, one they might even band together for an intervention to save him from. It would be hard to disabuse them of that without being able to give a proper explanation of why he left. He could always make something up, but still couldn’t think of anything that would justify his actions in their eyes.

 

In the next room, the washing machine beeped. “That’ll be the last of my clothes,” Mark said. “After that, I’ll be good to go.”

 

“Go on, then,” Jinyoung said. “I’ll start moving the pieces of the couch closer to the door.”

 

He’d only just finished scooting the first piece across the room when the door buzzed. Jinyoung grimaced. He’d hoped Mark would be done in the laundry room in time to greet his friends rather than leave the task up to Jinyoung. He had a feeling this wasn’t going to be pretty.

 

He opened the door. Right away, he could see what Mark meant by “varying degrees of pissed off.” Yugyeom simply looked unenthused, while BamBam outright scowled. Jackson, in the meantime, looked about ready to punch Jinyoung in the face on sight.

 

“Oh,” BamBam said with very deliberate scorn. “It’s you.”

 

“Yes,” Jinyoung said. He was about to say ‘it’s been awhile,’ but realized in time how likely that was to further piss them off and stayed quiet.

 

“Wonderful of you to come crawling back,” Jackson said sarcastically. “We all really missed you. Really nice of you not to send word for a year. Mark had the time of his life wondering what you were up to.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung said.

 

Sorry. You know what, how about you shove that ‘sorry’ up your , Park Jinyoung?” Jackson’s eyes narrowed. “You know something? I gave up on him only because I thought he’d be happier with you. I really believed that. But you sure showed me wrong, didn’t you? And now you’re back to mess with him again, and if you think we’re just going to let you-”

 

“Jackson,” Yugyeom interrupted. “I don’t think it’s to the extent where you have to kill him. I mean, that video…”

 

“You think a few tears at an open mic means anything? He was probably drunk. I’m not banking Mark’s future happiness on that.”

 

“I wouldn’t want you to either,” Jinyoung said. “And I’m fine with you being mad at me for what I did. If I ever try to mess with him again, which I’m not planning on doing, I would hope all three of you would stand up for him and beat the crap out of me or whatever you felt the need to do. I’m fine with that. But I just want to let you know that Mark wasn’t going to take me back either, unless he accepted my explanation for my behavior. And he did. You can question me all you like, but I hope you won’t question him. He’s sure of what he’s doing.”

 

“So why don’t you give the same explanation to us?” BamBam asked. “It would be a lot easier to trust you if we knew.”

 

“I’m sorry, but that’s between him and me.”

 

“Yup, so trustworthy,” Jackson snapped. “You’ve really convinced me.”

 

“He doesn’t need to convince you.” They turned around. Mark had come out of the laundry room with a basket on his hip, and he was now looking at Jackson levelly. “I’m the one he needed to convince. And trust me, he did. Beyond expectations.”

 

“But you wanted to be convinced. We all saw how you were. You weren’t getting over him. You would have given anything to have him back.”

 

“Could you at least give me credit for having a little bit of dignity?”

 

“All I’m saying is you wouldn’t be the first person to lose your common sense over a scumbag guy.”

 

“I told you before I left, if he proved himself to be a scumbag, I would have happily punched him in the face. But he didn’t. And that’s why I wasn’t able to get over him in the first place—because I knew he wasn’t and didn’t want to be that kind of guy.”

 

“You knew it? You barely know anything about him at all! You only spent a month or two with him before he bounced, and I mean, for all we know he’s some kind of unemployed grifter who’s taking advantage of you.”

 

“He’s never asked me for money even once. Actually, I’m pretty sure he has way more money than I do.”

 

“And you don’t find that shady at all?”

 

“Oh, now you’re just-”

 

Enough,” Jinyoung said a bit sharply. Jackson and Mark both fell silent. “Jackson, there’s no way I can convince you of anything right now. And like I said, I don’t mind that you’re doubting me. You should. It just shows how much you love Mark and want him to be happy and safe. But I don’t want this argument between you or the fact that Mark wants to stay with me and probably isn’t going to change his mind to ruin your friendship. So I will prove it to you one day, I promise. I’m going to prove it by never leaving his side. By staying with him until the end. By loving him-” he shifted his eyes to Mark- “as I’ve never been able to love anyone before. I swear.

 

When he looked back at Jackson, he seemed to have deflated a little. There was still a hard look in his eyes, but a lot less raw anger. Since his feelings were coming from a place of love, Jinyoung was sure he’d come to terms with everything for Mark’s sake. And that was what mattered; Jinyoung didn’t really need Jackson to forgive him. But he needed him to forgive Mark.

 

“I’m going to take you at your word,” Yugyeom said. “Because if you break it, you know we’re going to hunt you down and make you suffer, right?”

 

“Right,” Jinyoung said.

 

“As long as you know that, we can be cool,” BamBam said. He already looked over it; he didn’t strike Jinyoung as the kind of person who held grudges. “Which is good, because I don’t want to beef with the dude my bro’s living with. We’ll be invited over to your place, still, yeah?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“We’re going to be monitoring him,” Jackson said, still a bit gruffly. “So don’t try anything. You better mean what you just said.”

 

“I do.”

 

“He does,” Mark said. “So can we put this behind us and load up the van? I want to drop it off again on the way to class tomorrow, so it would be nice if Jinyoung and I had enough time to unload it when we’re back at the house.”

 

“Fine.” Jackson rolled up his sleeves. “I’ll lend my muscles to you. This once.” He headed into the room and began heaving one of the pieces into his arms.

 

“And Jackson?”

 

“Yeah?” Jackson grunted.

 

“Thank you. For looking out for me.”

 

Jackson’s lips twitched faintly. “Yeah, well. You need it.” He glanced briefly at Jinyoung. “For now, at least.”

 


“Was this room always this small?” Jinyoung asked, glancing around, feeling a bit bewildered.

 

“No, you’re just not used to furniture taking up part of the space,” Mark said, collapsing on the couch. “You’ll get used to it. C’mere.” He gestured for Jinyoung to sit down beside him.

 

Jinyoung sank into the cushions. It certainly was comfortable, he had to give it that. Perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to fill in all the spaces around him a little.

 

“How are you feeling?” Mark asked.

 

“Why do you ask? Part of my thing is that I don’t get sick, just so you know.”

 

“I wasn’t asking if you were sick.” He took Jinyoung’s hand. “I wanted to make sure you were still OK with everything. Like me moving in. And…everything that will come after.”

 

“What I said to Jackson today wasn’t enough to confirm I hadn’t changed my mind?”

 

 “It was. But I know it’s a lot to have change on you at once. And you’re not used to changing in this kind of way.”

 

“It’s a big change for you, too. How are you feeling?”

 

“Happy,” Mark said. “I feel like I’m where I’m meant to be.”

 

“You’re still an advocate for fate after all I’ve told you?”

 

“You explained to me that the gods were regional and numerous, and that they oversee certain aspects of humanity and the land. You didn’t really explain anything about predetermination.”

 

“Predetermination requires planning and investment in every existing human life. It requires connecting every moment there will ever be to lead to a certain result. The gods…they don’t have the scope for that. Or the power. They tend to involve themselves only in who and what interests them. And even that isn’t organized according to some greater plan. They don’t know where humanity is headed any more than we do.”

 

“So they don’t set soulmates for us when we’re born? They don’t decide how long we’ll live before we die?”

 

Jinyoung shook his head. “If they get it into their heads to play matchmaker, they can manipulate circumstances to bring two people together, but it’s not something they decide on from birth, and they can’t force humans to experience love. As for lifespans…it’s complicated. Most pantheons have a god or goddess that’s involved with that, but it’s not as simple as deciding this baby will live to be eighty and that one will die at age six. Like I said, none of the gods have the scope to carefully follow one individual life and manipulate circumstances so that they die at the appointed time. But these gods and goddesses do have a limited power to guide someone’s passing along or spare them. Interference is always a choice, though. If they don’t interfere…things happen naturally. The gods don’t have a hand in everything. So there is no such thing as fate. Sorry.”

 

“Hmmm.” Mark pursed his lips. “Do you think there’s any chance a god was involved in bringing the two of us together?”

 

Jinyoung shook his head. “I doubt it. We met in America, in the jurisdiction of the American gods. They wouldn’t care about us. They especially wouldn’t involve themselves with me of all people.”

 

“Maybe not. But maybe the land involved itself. From what you said, the land is a power of its own. So maybe it reached out for me. Maybe that’s why I felt that itch for Korea.” He squeezed Jinyoung’s hand. “It knew you needed me.”

 

“I don’t think the land still has much of a will left, Mark. It’s dying. It’s barely what it once was.”

 

“Dying people still have a will, Jinyoung. To stay alive. And you’re a piece of the land’s spirit, aren’t you? Maybe it still has some hope left in you.” He scooted closer to Jinyoung. “Anyways, yes. I still believe it. That I’m meant to be with you.”

 

“My sympathies.”

 

“Don’t be like that.”

 

“I’m not saying I’m not happy.” In a lower voice, he said, “I’m very happy. I’m glad you’re here.”

 

Mark smiled, then leaned back, tugging Jinyoung along with him so that they were both partially lying down, Jinyoung on top of Mark’s chest. Mark then began his hair gently as if he were a cat, using his other arm to wrap around Jinyoung’s body and hold him in place. At first Jinyoung felt awkward, but after a moment or two he began to relax, settling into Mark’s arms and closing his eyes, surrendering to the soft caresses.

 

“I bet you’ve never cuddled before,” Mark said.

 

“No.”

 

“Do you like it?”

 

“You’re very boney.”

 

“It’s not like I try to be. That’s just how it is.”

 

“I’m not complaining.” Jinyoung inhaled his shirt. “You smell good. And I like your skin.” He trailed his finger against Mark’s arm, then settled his head back against his chest. “I can hear your heartbeat, like this.”

 

“I take it that’s a yes, as far as you liking it goes?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Good.” Mark kissed the top of his head. “Before, you’d always keep a lot of distance between us. I hope you won’t anymore. I want to hold you like this as much as possible.” He took a breath. “You smell good, too. Can I kiss you?”

 

Jinyoung eased up a little bit so their faces were closer, then closed his eyes and leaned into Mark. He was learning day by day things he hadn't known before. Like the fact that kisses had speeds. He tended to like the slow ones like this, the ones that felt almost lazy, the ones that didn’t immediately fire him up into a passion but slowly stoked the flames. It made him feel, no matter how fleetingly, like they had an eternity to explore each other. They didn’t, and he knew it, but he liked the illusion. The way time seemed to slow as Mark’s tongue traced inside his mouth and his fingers drew meandering patterns on his back. The way it felt like the moment would never end.

 

“I’m glad I’m here, too,” Mark whispered into Jinyoung’s lips in the brief moment before he pressed against them again.

 


 

“This is ridiculous,” Jinyoung said, slamming the screen of Mark’s laptop down. “Getting a job wasn’t this complicated last time I had one.”

 

“When was the last time you had one?” Mark asked from the couch, where he was doing some assigned reading for school.

 

“1822.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes. “What exactly did you do before you came into your riches?”

 

“I was a bookbinder.”

 

“Of course you were. You were probably removing certain pages from certain books before binding them, weren’t you?”

 

“It was a time saver.” Jinyoung glared at the laptop accusingly. “So I’m pretty much screwed now if I don’t have a resume? Or documented educational records?”

 

“Did you ever go to college?”

 

“Yes, technically. It was part of an extended operation to access the university’s religious texts, but I did complete my degree. In the 1920s. I can’t put that on a resume! And I can’t put work experience from the 1800s! I could look into forging some records, but I can hardly fake references and things like that.”

 

Mark slid down from the couch so he was sitting beside Jinyoung. “There are jobs out there that are looser with those things. What kind of job are you interested in having to begin with?”

 

“That’s the thing. I don’t really know what job is best to do what I want to do.”

 

“Which is…?”

 

“Help people. In a very specific way. Like how I helped Youngjae and Jaebum.”

 

“Romantically? You want to be a matchmaker?”

 

“Not necessarily. It doesn’t have to be romantic. It’s more like I want to help them achieve an important wish or desire that there are roadblocks in the way of. Like how I imagined myself doing as a god.”

 

“Therapist? No, that would take a lot of schooling. Advice columnist?”

 

Jinyoung shook his head. “I don’t think it could be through writing. It’s hard to explain, but when I met Youngjae in person…it was almost like his emotions were touching me. I could grasp it better by witnessing it. I don’t think it would have the same impact through writing.”

 

“Hmmm. I don’t think there’s exactly a job for that. Unless we make one…”

 

“And how do we do that?”

 

Mark thought for a moment. “There’s this one anime…well, I don’t know if it would actually work in practice. Anime isn’t real life.”

 

“I realize that.”

 

“Let me just try a little experiment. For now, put a little pause in your job search. You have time.” He reached out, taking Jinyoung’s hand. “It feels weird to say it, but maybe you ghosting me was a good thing.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. I may have helped you find your heart. But I think your experiences in Jeju helped you find your humanity.” He kissed Jinyoung’s cheek. “The you that cares is the most beautiful you there is. I promise you, I’ll help you find a way to share that part of you with the world.”

 


 

Two days later, there was a knock on the door. Mark never knocked, so it had to be something else—maybe a delivery of new furniture. Jinyoung hurried to the front door and slid it open.

 

Standing on the porch was a pretty college-aged woman in jeans and a blouse, a designer purse slung over her shoulder. She was clutching a cell phone tightly in one hand.

 

“Are you Park Jinyoung?” she asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’m Han Sunyoung, a classmate of Mark’s. He told me you could help me.”

 

“Did he? With what?”

 

“A problem.”

 

“OK…” Was this the experiment Mark had referred to? Jinyoung wished he was going into it with more information, but wasn’t about to rudely send this girl all the way back to Sokcho. Which really was a change, considering he’d strongly considered doing the same to Mark when he’d first visited the house.

 

“Come in,” Jinyoung said, opening the door the rest of the way. “I’m making tea, would you like some?”

 

“Yes, please, thank you,” Sunyoung said. She slid out of her shoes and stepped in, glancing around. “Changing the design of the place?”

 

“Yes, we’re in the process of getting more furniture.” He nodded to the low seated table he and Mark had picked out so they would no longer have to eat on the floor. “Sit there. I’ll be just a minute.”

 

Sunyoung plopped down, and Jinyoung went to the kitchen to pour the tea. The first impression he’d picked up from her was antsy. From the way her eyes flicked around and her fingers were constantly twitching around her phone, she either felt a compulsive need to be in constant motion, or was anxious to do something in particular.

 

When Jinyoung went back out to the sitting room, she had her phone in one hand, her arm stretched out in front of her. Taking a selfie? When she saw Jinyoung, she set it down on the table and flicked her hair over her shoulder. It set off her neck to advantage, which she probably knew. She seemed to be sitting in a way that was conscious of her best angles, her head held just-so, her legs positioned so they looked long and her thighs didn’t spread out.

 

She wasn’t doing it to attract Jinyoung’s attention, or at least not romantically. Jinyoung couldn’t pick up any of that kind of interest from her in the slightest. Rather, it seemed more like she was always partially conscious of how she looked. No matter who it was for, she wanted to look pretty. There were a lot of people like that in Korea these days, Jinyoung noticed. It was more common than it was uncommon. Society as a whole had become transfixed on beauty to the point where it was as much a personal accomplishment as composing a symphony or learning three languages.

 

Jinyoung passed Sunyoung a teacup, and she accepted it delicately, careful not to slosh the liquid a single centimeter out of place. “What exactly is your problem, then?” Jinyoung asked, sitting down across from her.

 

“It’s my relationship,” she answered. “I’m feeling very confused by it.”

 

“Could you explain?”

 

“I love my boyfriend. When we’re kissing and…you know…it feels perfect. But I hate dating him. All our dates feel exhausting and tiresome, but when they’re over, I don’t feel like we’ve grown any closer. I only feel truly connected to him and happy when we’re entirely in private.”

 

“Are you a homebody?” Jinyoung knew the answer already. This was definitely a girl who liked being seen.

 

“Not at all. I usually love planning events and going out. I don’t know why it’s different with him.”

 

“What do you do on your dates that makes it so exhausting?”

 

“Nothing, really. We just go out for coffee or dinner. We go to parks or beautiful areas.” Her eyes darted down to her phone, her hand twitching. “It’s not physical exhaustion. More like…mental exhaustion?”

 

“I see.” Jinyoung glanced at her phone as well. An Instagram notification had just popped up. “Do you like using your phone a lot?”

 

Sunyoung glanced up at him suspiciously. “Who doesn’t?”

 

“What do you like to do on it?”

 

“SNS, mostly. Instagram. I love taking photos.”

 

“Does your boyfriend like SNS?”

 

“He tolerates it. For me.”

 

 “Do you take photos on your dates?”

 

She nodded. “All the time!” She grabbed her phone and swiftly opened up her Instagram app and began scrolling through her grid. “Check out this photo on Valentine’s Day.” She showed Jinyoung a shot of her and a handsome man posing at a café, positioned with a heart shaped window cling between them. “I made sure to get that exact table at that exact restaurant just for that window cling. And here.” She showed him another picture of her and her boyfriend posing in front of a mural of angel wings. The boyfriend was wearing a white suit and holding Sunyoung in a princess carry, though still in such a way where you could see all the details of her white dress. “It was like that dress was made for this picture.”

 

“Hmmm,” Jinyoung said, frowning. “So…you love these pictures a lot, don’t you?”

 

“Of course! I mean, they’re beautiful, aren’t they? I got so many likes for them.”

 

“Were they pre-planned? Or spur of the moment?”

 

“I mean…they had to be a little preplanned, of course. The angel wings wouldn’t have looked as pretty if we weren’t wearing white. And that window cling is so cute! I wanted it to be in the picture, to give it that extra emphasis. For Valentine’s Day, you know.”

 

“But you didn’t like the dates where those pictures happened.”

 

Sunyoung suddenly frowned. “I…I guess.”

 

“Because you don’t feel like those dates made you any closer to your boyfriend?”

 

She nodded.

 

“OK.” Jinyoung studied her for a moment. “Have you ever been in a play or musical before?”

 

Sunyoung looked confused. “Yes…I was in a community production of Beauty and the Beast in high school. As Belle. Why?”

 

“Did you know the person who played the Beast?”

 

“Not when I started, no.”

 

“By time you finished with the play, were you two friends?”

 

She nodded. “Yes. He was a nice guy.”

 

“Think back to that first day you started acting with him, the day you started walking through the script and working on some of the scenes. Did you feel closer to him right away from that?”

 

She thought. “Not really? I mean, I was too focused on what I was doing to be focused on him, right? I still had to memorize the lines. I had to listen to suggestions from the director and move around the stage. It was about doing things right and getting it down than getting to know each other.”

 

“So how did you get to know him?”

 

“We had cast hang outs, things like that. We’d chat before and after rehearsals. He’d make little jokes between scene run throughs. I got to know him a bit outside of the play, and we became friends. That’s how we got closer.”

 

“Right. So…do you see how this applies to your boyfriend, too?”

 

She shook her head. “No. I’m not in a play with my boyfriend. I don’t have to get to know him outside of a certain situation like work or class or a project or anything. We’re always just hanging out on our own.”

 

“I don’t want to sound preachy or anything, but that’s not true. You’re in a performance with your boyfriend. And it’s rarely just the two of you.” He pointed to her phone. “Someone else is always there. A camera. A social media audience.”

 

“W-What? What do you mean I’m in a performance with him?”

 

“Your dates. Before they happen, you plot out the moment you want to document. You dress for it and make arrangements based on it. You’re scripting out the date centered on getting that exact moment. You think about how many people will see it, what they might comment, how many likes you’ll get. And when the date happens, you go through the script you’ve planned to obtain that moment. None of that has anything to do with getting closer to your boyfriend, because like you said you’re ‘too focused on what you’re doing to be focused on him,’ so you don’t get closer. You’re only capable of really living in the moment with him when there’s no audience to be had. If you were performing kissing and to appeal to your Instagram followers, you’d probably enjoy those a lot less, too.”

 

Jinyoung wondered if he’d offended Sunyoung by being too frank. She flushed for a moment, her eyes narrowing. But a moment later, she exhaled, her shoulders sinking a little. “But I love looking at those pictures,” she said.

 

“I’m not suggesting you don’t. You just dislike the exhaustion of going through the motions to get those pictures, and how it’s detracting from having actual moments with your boyfriend. It’s up to you, though. Whether you love having those pictures and the attention the most. Or if you want to grow closer to your boyfriend, even if you have to stop curating and staging your relationship to make it look so beautiful.”

 

It sounded like a simple decision when he said it. He didn’t care about Instagram, and would get nothing out of documenting his life with Mark for others, especially knowing that he’d have to stop documenting it as soon as it became necessary for them to leave Korea. But for Sunyoung, it was more complex than that. Even more so than the performance itself, she enjoyed the attention and validation it got her, like an actress thriving on the cheers of the audience. It would be a hard thing to have to give up, maybe even harder than giving up her boyfriend himself.

 

But Jinyoung saw the cracks in her, the sadness she was covering up by living like her life was picture perfect. The emptiness would catch up with her if she carried on pantomiming her existence. She’d wake up one day when her audience moved on to something else, and it would be like that Talking Heads song people loved so much in America in the 80s. How did I get here? My god, what have I done?

 

“What would you do, in my shoes?” Sunyoung asked, leaning forward.

 

Jinyoung didn’t want to give a simple answer. He didn’t want to burden her with the regret of having someone make an important choice for her.

 

“I would think about time,” Jinyoung said. “And what you’ll be left with when it passes. If you’ll be at peace with what you’ve taken with you and left behind. But I can’t decide that for you. You know better than me what the future you want looks like.”

 

Sunyoung nodded slightly, looking down at her phone. Jinyoung frankly had no idea what she would choose. And as much as he wanted to help, it was her job to figure out what happiness looked like to her. It wasn’t such a clear-cut problem that the choices could be boiled down to wrong or right.

 

“I’ll think about it, then, I guess,” Sunyoung said. She took a sip of her tea and looked at Jinyoung as she lowered it. “So, why did Mark direct me to you? Are you a work-from-home therapist, or something?”

 

Jinyoung shook his head. “No. I’m just…a happiness guru, I guess. I want people to find happiness.”

 

“A happiness guru, huh?” She smiled slightly. “I didn’t know that was a thing. But it’s a comforting thought. And you’re doing it for free? I didn’t think anyone out there really cared outside of money.”

 

“Very few people do,” Jinyoung agreed.

 

“And what’s your secret to happiness?”

 

“I could tell you,” Jinyoung said. “But wouldn’t you rather figure it out for yourself?”

 


 

“So how exactly is your little experiment going to work?” Jinyoung had asked Mark when he came back home. But Mark had just given a little enigmatic “You’ll see,” and had then proceeded to occupy Jinyoung’s attention with hanging pictures on the wall. There weren’t any other unexpected visitors for the rest of the week, and Jinyoung whiled away his time reading and rearranging the house to fit all the items Mark kept bringing back with him.

 

Then, about a week later, Mark returned from his classes with a smile on his face. “Check this out,” he said.

 

He had his phone pulled open to Sunyoung’s Instagram page. Her latest picture was of her and her boyfriend. Jinyoung could immediately tell it wasn’t her standard type of picture. There was no filter or editing, and the two of them weren’t deliberately posed. Her boyfriend was dressed in a standard jeans and t-shirt ensemble, and Sunyoung’s arm was looped around his shoulder, head smooshed against his arm in a way that wasn’t fully flattering to her face, but still cute.

 

OK, guys, the caption read. I know I haven’t posted in a while, but I was self-reflecting. The other week, I visited a happiness guru (did you know that was a thing? I didn’t know it was a thing!) and talked about how I was worried about the state of my relationship. You guys probably would have never guessed, right? From my pictures, you probably thought everything was perfect and dreamy. Because that’s what I wanted you to think! That’s what I wanted the ideal of my life to be!

But what good is an ideal if you have to craft an entire new life and identity to achieve it? If you have to trim who you really are to the right shape? If you have to act more than you live? If you have to sacrifice reality for perfection? I looked back at my pictures. Was that beautiful Valentine’s Day picture really a picture of a perfect date with the love of my life? No, it was a picture of a date we spent posing twenty plus times to get the optimal light and angles and stopping to check my phone every ten seconds after I posted to see how many likes I had gotten. I don’t remember a single thing we may have talked about. That was the reality I was living to have my ideal!

So, I know—an influencer coming out and saying her Instagram life is a curated lie! Groundbreaking! Never been done before! But I’m not doing this just to be honest with you, but to be honest with myself. I don’t want to just edit and post anymore! I want to live! I want to love my boyfriend as more than just a costar to my #RomanticOutings! So if I don’t post as much or as prettily as usual, it’s because I’m out there living!

That Happiness Guru really is the real deal. I didn’t grab his number, but if you need a little happiness boost, talk to 2nd year Mark Tuan from the Religious Studies department and get him to help you get in touch. It’s free! AND WORTH IT. Later, es. XO.

 

Mark leaned back, looking satisfied with himself. “Let’s make you a website, Mr. Happiness Guru,” he said.

 


 

“So I got you a second client,” Mark said over breakfast.

 

“Have people already started using the website?” Jinyoung asked. He still felt a little skeptical of the whole concept. Happiness was something people defined in so many different ways that it could become vague in certain contexts. Besides, what he was trying to do wasn’t exactly a normal job by anyone’s standards, so he wouldn’t be surprised if someone encountering his site was baffled by the mere existence of something like a ‘happiness guru’.

 

“Not yet, I was going to work together with Sunyoung to get the word out about the site. This guy came to me because he heard about you from Sunyoung’s initial word of mouth, not from the website. He’s actually from my department at university.”

 

“Do you have any idea what he needs help with?”

 

“It would be better if you heard it directly from him. But I can confirm that he’s seemed pretty unhappy recently. He’s usually one of the most cheerful people I know.” Mark nudged Jinyoung’s foot under the table with his own. “Why don’t you come up to my university this time? I’ve never shown you around.”

 

“Not planning on introducing me to anyone else, are you? I’m already unpopular enough with your friends as it is, and…” He trailed off, not wanting to constantly remind Mark that introducing him to a variety of people he was close to wasn’t the best idea.

 

“We don’t need to dance around this subject for the rest of my life, Jinyoung,” Mark said gently. “I’m well aware that you’ll need to say a permanent goodbye to anyone you meet here. I just want to have you in my stomping ground for a while.” He ran his foot higher up Jinyoung’s leg. “And you need to get out of the house and be near people. Or else your happiness advice will because you’ll have no conception of modern, day-to-day human happiness.”

 

That was fair enough. And Jinyoung did want to get out a bit. There was more of humanity to see with these new eyes of his, and he’d spent enough of his life behind four walls, turning a blind eye to the people around him.

 

The next day he took the train to Sokcho with Mark. There were gray clouds over the sea when they got off the train. “It always seems to rain when we’re together, doesn’t it?” Jinyoung remarked.

 

Mark smiled. “It’s why I love the rain so much.” He looped his fingers around Jinyoung’s wrist. “It’s our soundtrack, rain against the windows.”

 

“Looks like it still might be an hour or so before it starts.”

 

“Then let’s meet up again when it starts to rain, at the library.” He pointed. “It’s right next to the building where I have class and where you’ll meet John.”

 

The entered into the building which housed much of the religious studies department’s classrooms. Mark gestured to a door down the hallway. “John will be in there,” he said. “You want me to go in with you to make introductions, or are you fine on your own?”

 

“I’ll be fine on my own,” Jinyoung said. As an afterthought, he kissed Mark’s cheek, a temporary goodbye. He was still getting used to those kinds of intimacies. But he liked how Mark’s skin felt against his lips; that made it easier. “See you again when it rains.”

 

He walked to the door and opened it. Inside, a young man with messy hair and square-framed glasses was sitting on one of the tables, paging through a pocket Bible. Jinyoung grimaced. Religious texts automatically complicated the question of happiness. If you believed so strongly in what faith told you happiness was supposed to be, you could lose sight of what it truly was for you.

 

 The young man looked up. “You must be…Jinyoung?” he asked. The hesitation was probably because he was reluctant to call Jinyoung something ridiculous like ‘the happiness guru.’ Jinyoung felt that same reluctance constantly, but he was the one who’d accidentally coined it, and now he was stuck with it.

 

“And you’re John?” Jinyoung asked. He was a bit surprised; he’d been expecting a foreigner, but this young man had the look of a full-blooded Korean.

 

“My parents wanted to give me a Christian name,” John explained, as if reading Jinyoung’s thoughts. “I was almost Peter, but they really like the Gospel according to John. So John it is.”

 

“Well, your department has a John and a Mark. It just needs a Matthew and a Luke.”

 

John grinned. “And Mark told me you didn’t have a sense of humor.”

 

“Did he?”

 

“He warned me you might be overly serious, and…what were his words… ‘so lacking in charms that it’s charming’.”

 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

 

“He said it in a very affectionate way, if that helps.” John set down his Bible. “So…I hear you’re interested in the question of happiness?”

 

“More accurately, the answer of happiness,” Jinyoung said.

 

“Then you’re like a priest, in that way. Which is what I’m aiming to become. Or thought I was.”

 

Ah, Jinyoung thought. A crisis of faith. Not something he particularly liked to involve himself with. He didn’t feel like it was his business to correct mankind’s warped interpretations of their gods, other than burning his own mythologies. Why had Mark directed him to this case? Did he actually want Jinyoung to clue his friend into the fact that while being very much real, the gods were also lies?

 

“I was planning on entering a seminary after university,” John continued, not seeming to notice Jinyoung’s troubled expression. “I’d always been planning that, for as long as I can remember. I’ve always wanted to be a priest.”

 

A Catholic, then. Back when Jinyoung had lived in Korea the previous time, those had been a rarer breed. “If you don’t mind me asking, why?”

 

John looked surprised by the question, as if he wasn’t used to being asked. “Because I love God, of course.”

 

“Millions do. Most don’t become priests.”

 

John’s brow furrowed. “Well…if I had to say…it’s because the priest of my church when I was younger reminded me of a shepherd. Just like Jesus. A shepherd of a flock. And I wanted to guide people to happiness through God, just like a shepherd guides his flock to safe pastures. But…” He bit his lip. “Now that time has passed, I feel just as connected to God as ever. But I don’t feel that same connection to the people that I would serve. If the metaphor is that they would be my sheep…well…sheep follow blindly. They don’t think for themselves. They thrive in safe environments and mistrust the world outside of their limited enclosure to the point where anyone who approaches with a different look about them begins to resemble a wolf.”

 

“Yes,” Jinyoung said. He’d had these same thoughts about mankind in general more than once. “But I thought that was how religious leaders liked it? Obedience. Simple, unquestioned faith.”

 

“Then should I be a religious leader if I feel differently? I’m not certain anymore. I don’t want people to use God for blind comfort, like a security blanket they can use to feel good about themselves. I don’t want them to use Him to hold themselves above others. But so many people do. Even in this department here at university. Mark is one of the few levelheaded ones who doesn’t look down on the faiths of others. Or…their differences. He’s a freethinker, but his kind is rare in churches.”

 

Jinyoung nodded slowly. He was beginning to understand now why Mark had involved him in this. There was a discontent in John’s words directed towards humans, a discontent very similar to the one Jinyoung had harbored through the ages until he’d met Mark. And Jinyoung knew better than anyone what the consequences of letting such a discontent fester could be. This was a way to use what he knew about the wrong path he’d taken for most of his life to help someone else avoid that path.

 

And maybe it was also a reminder. One solution would be to tell this person that the God of Israel was not the one who had created his people or watched over them. That his true god was a magnificent bastard who didn’t know how to admit defeat and would sooner punish cleverness and freethinking than reward it. And that no matter how good the God of Israel was in his domain in the heavens, in the hearts of minds of people, he had become too often a tool of war and power and hatred to be a force of good in the role humans had placed him in. Better to choose another way of teaching people to be good and love one another.

 

Yes, Jinyoung could say all that. But would it make this person happy, or would it break him? If John didn’t have a god to love, and he was struggling to love humanity, what would that leave him with? If loving god was tied up in wanting to genuinely help others and spread kindness that wasn’t conditional or closed minded, wasn’t his love of god ultimately a good thing, something he should hold onto even if his god wasn’t who he thought it was?

 

“I know Christians believe god is everywhere, and inside everyone,” Jinyoung said at length. “But I think you’ll find if you live long enough, that there’s always going to be much more of humanity in life than god. God isn’t going to ring up your groceries or sit next to you on the train or give you a diagnosis in a hospital or serve as the nation’s president. People are. And if you give up on people…” He shrugged. “That’s the majority of what’s on the earth with you. You’ll end up alone. It’ll be impossible to be happy.”

 

“I haven’t given up on people,” John protested.

 

“Maybe not. But if all you see around you is meaningless sheep, you’ll stop caring. And when you stop caring, you stop loving, too. It may seem impossible to you now. But give it a few years, especially if you hold these people accountable for having given up on your dream, and you’ll find yourself seeing a world full of lost causes. And you won’t be able to see that the biggest lost cause is you, you who rejects the humanity he’s a part of.” Jinyoung leaned in. “You reached out to Mark about me because you want to be happy. That tells me that in your heart, you don’t want to give up. You want to believe. If you continued on with becoming a priest, what would you want your legacy to be?”

 

John thought for a moment. “I…I wouldn’t want to be a shepherd, after all. I’d want to be equals in thought and purpose with others who truly hear the word and would use it to help others. The ones who need our help most. The ones the holy book tells us we should be putting before ourselves.”

 

“That’s an admirable goal.” Jinyoung leaned back. “Tell me how you would make that happen.”

 

The doubt seemed to flood out of John as he spoke, detailing his plans and his prospective ministries and all the way he could modernize and open up what outdated practices he had control over. Jinyoung nodded along. Some of it would undoubtedly be hard to achieve, but all of it impossible if John lost hope as Jinyoung previously had.

 

They talked John’s ideas out for a good amount of time, until John at length cleared his throat. “So…you think moving forward with this would make me happy?”

 

Jinyoung smiled slightly. “What, you haven’t answered that for yourself yet?”

 

John smiled back. “And here I thought you would be doing all the work.”

 

“That’s why I don’t charge a fee. Because I make you do most of it, after the initial nudge.”

 

“Then thank you at least for nudging.” John studied Jinyoung for a moment, fingers straying to the cover of his Bible. “Still, I’m a bit surprised of the direction you nudged. Mark did warn me that you haven’t had the best experiences with religion.”

 

“This is about your happiness, not mine.”

 

“As someone who will one day be a priest, I feel obligated to ask: have you thought of giving the holy book another try?”

 

Jinyoung shook his head. “I’m already well familiar it. If you don’t mind me blaspheming a bit, I think there’s a significant portion of it that’s garbage. Maybe because it was written by human hands. But having said that, I’ll also acknowledge that there are portions of it that are so beautiful, poetic, and inspiring that it takes the breath away.” He smiled. “Maybe because it was written by human hands. And that’s how it is for me, now. I don’t specialize in anything divine, just the beauty, poetry, and garbage of humanity. And that’s my happiness.”

 

Outside, there was a sudden flash of lightning. Jinyoung and John looked out the window, down onto the campus where the students were suddenly scurrying for shelter of pushing up their umbrellas. Jinyoung inhaled. The window was shut, but he could almost feel the coming dampness in his lungs. Moments later, the sky opened and the pavement turned dark with raindrops.

 

Jinyoung rose to his feet. “If you’ll excuse me, now, I have to meet Mark. I’m glad I was able to be of help.”

 

“I hope I can model my own help of others after yours,” John said. “Whatever you think of the divine—I know that God works through your actions, Jinyoung.”

 

Jinyoung just bowed his head in a parting nod. Perhaps there was traces of a god in his actions, but it wasn’t the God of Israel, whom Jinyoung had never met. It was the God of Humanity.

 


He was dripping when he made it to the library, a fact that wasn’t helped by the fact that the building seemed to be pumping air conditioning. Jinyoung shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. The rain was welcome, but the chill was not.

 

He’d never been to this particular library before, but Jinyoung was an expert navigator of libraries all the same. He passed the front desk, sizing up the librarians in one glance—kindly, but slightly despairing of the student population they served. He then walked almost instinctively to the nonfiction section. The American numbering system for nonfiction was still very much more natural to him after all his years there, but it only took a few moments of thought to find the place where the religious books would be.

 

Mark was waiting for him there, tracing his fingers along the spine of a book. He’d also gotten a bit wet; his shirt was wrinkled, and his hair was plastered to his forehead and dripping slowly down the bridge of his nose. Jinyoung loved the way he looked like this. Maybe because it reminded him of showers together back home, or that day they had danced in the rain and made love as their hair left puddles on the mattress.

 

Mark glanced over at Jinyoung. “I knew you would come to the religious books first. Old habits die hard, huh?”

    

“I thought this was where you might be.”

 

“Feeling the urge to burn anything?”

 

“Maybe a log in the fireplace, for warmth. Though I doubt this library has one.”

 

“How is John?”

 

“Great. You should visit him when he’s in the seminary. He seems to think very highly of you. Though I’m now wondering how highly you think of me given the amount of warnings you gave him.”

 

Mark grinned. “So you didn’t convince him to swear off religion, huh?”

 

“Did you think I would?”

 

“I had no idea what you’d do. I was just interested to find out.” He brushed a bit of wet hair from Jinyoung’s eyes. “I was wondering if you would recognize that even us humans have problems a lot like yours.”

 

“Will my next client be someone I can relate to about immortality?”

 

“That might be a bit hard to swing, but I could try. The existence of pantheons of deities makes me even more convinced there could be vampires out there.”

 

Jinyoung wanted to laugh, but another thought was bothering him. “Talking with John made me wonder a bit about you. You were a Christian before. I was wondering if…maybe learning what I was upset that part of your faith.”

 

Mark shook his head. “Not at all. The power that I believed in was faceless before. Now you’ve just given it a face. Or many faces.” He Jinyoung’s face. “And one face in particular I love and believe in more than any other.”

 

He pulled Jinyoung closer, their wet bodies chilly against each other. But Jinyoung felt a warmth spread through him as Mark leaned in to kiss him, slipping his tongue between his lips. It was quiet but for the rain against the windows. There were plenty of people in the library, Jinyoung knew, but it felt like they were the only two. And though Jinyoung was learning to love the full and chaotic world he was a part of, he loved it just as much when it was small and contained, the size of just two people.

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moonchildern #1
Chapter 14: i finally finished reading it omg i finally made it ㅠㅠ
you can see my last comment right? and it was on march 28 and here i am after almost 3 months, resumed reading this book coz i don’t think i can finish it in one go. i am not that strong 🤧

remember when samsin says “joy will walk with you for much longer than suffering”
and i totally agree with her. even tho jinyoung’s journey hurts like hell but i think he got his happily ever after. THAT ending was the real kind of happy ending and im so so so happy for both jinyoung and mark. they en deserve it omg i think im gonna cry again when the images of them and their struggles came flashing into my head 😭 but they’re happy now REAL happy and this is the tears of joy lmao

i don’t know what else to say. this book is amazing. like your other books. i love it. a lot. how can you always be amazing like this?? i can learn new things and perspectives from this and that was honestly one of my fav things when i read your books. i can always got something new (aside from getting our markjin being so cute sweet hot fluffy and amazing :3). ahhh i really wanna hug you rn but i can’t so im sending my ghost hug. you can’t feel it but it’s there~ thank you so so so much for this one, too! you’re the best best best sonicboom-nim! i can’t wait to read more of your work!! be happy and healthy sonicboom-nim love love ❤️
moonchildern #2
Chapter 5: omg it hurts. this is just the beginning right?? but it’s already hurt so much my soft heart cant handle the pain oh damn it. i already told myself that i have to prepare first before clicking this story and reading it, but i guess i’ll never be ready so why not now? i just hope i dont cry too much reading this fic ㅠㅠ
OnlyForNyeong
#3
Chapter 14: So beautiful! I can't remember how many I cried. Thank you for wrting this wonderful love story.
Marklife #4
Chapter 14: Thought I wouldn’t be crying again reread this but no it’s still feels the same T...T thank you authornim you may not know but through this I have learned to not give up when something is hard and difficult to deal. Thank you again
Potatoness
#5
Chapter 14: This is so beautiful.. I always look forward to your works and read them as you update but not this one because as I reasoned with a friend I need the courage to continue reading every chapter. It's just somewhat painful to read their journey and see Mark age and how they can't settle in a place and stay with their friends and family then later Jinyoung is way younger than Mark. This is the most painful goodbye I have ever read even though I know they had a lifetime together. And I cried a river I dont even want to see my reflection!! I have read tons of stuff and this work of yours is one of my favorites, I cant believe this is fanfiction! This should be a book!!! (but i love the mark and jinyoung and got7 characters though) The issues you have inserted and how the characters went through it and handled it felt like I'm learning too not to mention you have touched sensitive topics as well. I'm rambling but I just want to say youre very much talented and thank you for creating this quality content to the markjin community and to got7!! <3
Farah_7771 #6
Chapter 14: I finished reading it just now ? again i cried a LOT
I don’t know what to say again but all i know that you are much more than talented its like the way i felt every word every sentence is just hitting hard the emotions i felt since chapter 1 until the last one , you are amazing as always and thank you again and again for sharing what you write to us ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Farah_7771 #7
Chapter 13: Ive been crying for 40 minutes ......i cant even describe what i feel all i know that u are talented really thank you for spending time to write ❤️
JinyoungsMark #8
Chapter 14: Seriously this story really make me soo thrill ,love and sad at the same time..although i'm just in my 20s but i can imagine growing older with my love ones and being with them until we die..i really cried when the part mark's going to go..jinyoung's feeling in this part can make me feel empathy towards him.thank u as always for ur beautiful fic !! <3


And

I really wish u well!! I'm looking forward for ur new fic...... and I know someday you gonna stop writing ..but i just wanna let u know.i will always remember and adore ur stories and for the love of markjin! (Because theres soo many amazing writers that have stop writing) i really hope u always be inspired and always well and happy.Thank u again!!! <3
Oohmaknae_ #9
Chapter 14: You know if only i could pay you to publish your stories especially this one, im definitely doing so, only if i could and im so gonna display it in my special bookshelves where i can read it all over again. You really put the spices of life in your stories. This 'lifespan of a fly' hits me hard because i recently move in a completely different country (i used to lived in the Philippines in my 19 years of existence) . This story reminds me how people u know will just passed by in your life, ofcourse the important ones would stay but we're all going to be gone, but even so, life will still move on, it will move forward without u or without anyone and we have no choice but to live with it and keep the memories of all the people who are dear to us. Just like what u stated in the end "and so it was. And so it is" i still have a lot to say but i think i said too much already. Another big thanks author-nim for this another worth reading story of yours!
Cho_lolai101 #10
Chapter 14: “And so it was. And so it is.”
Famous last words and a most beautiful ending to such an ever-enduring , heartwarming love story with my favourite couple, MJ.
I have no words to further describe the feelings you have instilled in me as I read and re-read this masterpiece of yours, among others. How I’ve travelled with them, all the joys and sadness ... the tears I shred Most specially in this epilogue ... it’s beyond brilliant how you so eloquently create and piece them altogether. And the finality of Lord Seokga coming home to the love of his lifetime is one I will treasure. Thank you for yet another amazing ff, Author-nim.