Truth only we know

Lifespan of a Fly

The time went by much quicker in Belize than Jinyoung had wanted.

 

It wasn’t so much the environment. There was a slow, leisurely way to living on the beachfront that was similar to life in Old Woking, though the two locales couldn’t be any more different in visuals. They had their share of days lazing on the porch, watching the waves and basking in the warmth of the sun, days where they had nothing of importance to do and could just enjoy being together.

 

But there were natural disasters, far too many of them. Not in Belize, fortunately for them, but elsewhere. Typhoons in Japan that destroyed towns. Forest fires and earthquakes in California. Floods in Bangladesh. Hurricanes in the Philippines. Tornadoes in America’s Great Plains. Drought in Ethopia. The earth was suffering, and the whole world felt it. There was so much death caused by nature alone that external conflicts began to slow as countries needed to focus instead on protecting themselves from the land rather than each other.

 

It felt like Mark was being constantly called to other countries to help with the Red Cross’s relief efforts, and that every other month Jinyoung was left in the beach house to bite his nails and fret over his safety. Mark was still in his middle-age, but was more likely to hurt himself through overexertion than he had been when he was younger. He felt untethered when Mark was gone, only becoming grounded again when he was sure of his presence.

 

There were other sadnesses that put weight on their time. Millie sent word that Flannery had passed away after her battle with dementia, and two years later, Millie’s son informed them that his mother had died quietly in her sleep. Near the end of their time in Belize, Mark lost his parents, one passing the year after the other. Jinyoung went with him to both of the funerals, disguised with a wig and glasses and passed off as the son of an old family friend. He couldn’t let Mark go through it alone, without him there as a comfort. If anyone noticed Mark leaned on him a little too much during the funerals for a supposedly distant connection, no one said anything.

 

There were moments of joy as well to balance it out, though most were small and subtle and commonplace, though precious in their own right. The day at the beach when Mark had taught Jinyoung how to kayak. The rainy nights when they would slip out to dance together in the sand. The laughter, the smiles, the way Mark’s hand still fit perfectly into his even as his skin weathered and wrinkled slightly with age. The way his simple yet intensely given love continued to give him purpose and shape his love for the world until it became greater and greater with each passing day.

 

Mark was sixty-five when their time in Belize came to an end. He was ready to retire, to rest himself after years of hard work. After much discussion with Jinyoung, they decided to settle down somewhere remote. Somewhere they could pass the years together without eyes sizing them up and judging them for the May-December couple they very much now appeared to be.

 

They decided on Alaska, a part of America Jinyoung had never been to, never been close to. They would live in a medium-sized cabin in a spread out town where they wouldn’t be in the line of sight of their nearest neighbors, much like how it had been in Inje. It wouldn’t be easy, especially in the winter, but if there was anything Jinyoung knew from years of experience, it was how to live almost anywhere. They would be fine.

 

And so they packed up for the third time, leaving behind the warmth and the ocean. It was hard not to think that this would be one of the last times they went through this ritual together, but instead of letting it make him sad, Jinyoung wallowed in the moment. He imprinted the sloppy way Mark tended to pack in his mind. The way he could always find them a great deal on flights. The way he approached every new chapter with breathless excitement, knowing in that certain way of his that they were going where they needed to be, and that they would be happy.

 


 

“So this is it?” Jinyoung asked as Mark pulled the rental van down the dirt path. “It brings back memories.”

 

“I thought you said you’ve never been to Alaska before?”

 

“I haven’t. But I have, in fact, lived in a cabin. Although that was before central heating and electricity, so I’m hoping it will be a very different experience.”

 

“You’ll have to show me the ropes of it. I got used to living in luxury these past fifteen years.”

 

“Rule number one: be careful with anything involving fire.”

 

Mark parked the van, and the two of them stepped out. To give it credit, it was a rather nice cabin. It was rustic in its way, but was still the sort of place that tourists would plunk down good cash on to get a taste of the roughing it lifestyle without all the inconveniences attached. It looked well insulated and roomy. They’d most likely be perfectly comfortable living there.

 

Mark pulled the keys out of his pocket. Jinyoung touched his wrist gently. “Cover story?” he prompted.

 

Mark lifted an eyebrow. “Already? Can’t we go inside first?”

 

“If I know anything about towns, and real estate agents, it’s that word about people moving into this cabin has already gotten out. Chances are good that at least one family will visit us before the day is over.”

 

“Fine.” Mark sighed. “I’m Mark Tuan, as always, and I’m here to retreat into nature while I write my memoir. You are Jim Young-”

 

“A very inspired name choice on your part.”

 

“A very easy to remember one. You are Jim Young, and I’ve hired you to help me write my memoir because my arthritis prevents me from typing comfortably.” He frowned down at his hands. “Even though I have no visible signs of arthritis at all.”

 

“People don’t pay that close attention. You’re old enough to be arthritic, they’ll buy it.”

 

“Gee, thanks.”

 

“Don’t worry, you’re a very young looking sixty-five. And very handsome.”

 

“Still as shallow as ever.”

 

“With that rotten personality of yours, how could I help but marry you for your looks?”

 

Mark grinned. “Flirt with me like that, and you better hope no neighbors plan to show up. Come on, let’s look inside.”

 

The cabin came partially furnished with items left behind by the previous lodger, including a bed and mattress and a huge sofa with soft and comfortable cushions. The rest they’d have to buy for themselves, yet again. Maybe Jinyoung’s furniture allergy was activating, because he didn’t really want to go through the motions of buying things they’d only have to abandon again. But it wasn’t fair to Mark to make him do everything on the floor. He didn’t have arthritis, but he did have flare ups of back pain.

 

For the most part, he liked it. It did vaguely annoy him that it was basically an average American house pretending to be a log cabin, but it was hard to demand true authenticity from this era. If people had the means to live in places more advanced than the log cabins of the past where drafts would seep in and the only heat you could hope for came from a fire and warm blankets, why wouldn’t they?

 

And they would need the heat, here. It was only fall now, and it was already freezing, especially after having lived in sunny Belize.

 

“I like it,” Mark said. “It’s like the hanok, after I moved in. Solitary, but not lonely.”

 

Jinyoung nodded. He’d liked living next to the Nans in Old Woking, and the wealthy couple of snowbirds who’d come to the vacation home beside their house in Belize every winter, but he was ready to be solitary again. Just not lonely.

 

Rather than unpack their suitcases, they both collapsed into bed. The jet lag wasn’t as bad as it had been during other trips, but uprooting was always exhausting. Mark Jinyoung’s hair quietly, and Jinyoung rested his head against his shoulder.

 

“I’m looking forward to this,” Mark said after a while in a quiet voice in case Jinyoung was already asleep.

 

“Hmmm?” Jinyoung murmured.

 

“Being with you, in a little world of our own.”

 

“I promise you, neighbors will come.”

 

“Yes, but they won’t stay.” He kissed Jinyoung’s ear. “I get to hoard you to myself for a little bit.”

 

“Mmm, how greedy of you.”

 

“It’s something we have in common.” He yawned. “Sweet dreams, Jinyoung.”

 

“Sweet dreams, Mark.”

 


 

They woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the front door.

 

“That would be the neighbors,” Jinyoung said with a groan, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Can’t we just ignore them?” Mark asked groggily.

 

“Now you’re sounding as cranky as I did when we first met. Don’t let old age ruin your manners. Come on.”

 

They went to the front door and opened it. Standing on the small porch was a thick haired and burly middle aged man and a younger man looking about in his early twenties. The younger man gave a similar impression to Mark when Jinyoung had first met him—he was timelessly handsome with his floppy curls and wry smile, and had similar eyes. Wide and eager, but at the same time needy. Probably stemming from the loneliness that came from living where he did.

 

“You must be the new neighbors,” the older man said in a jovial voice. “Welcome to Willow! I’d be surprised by how tan you both are, but rumor has it you’re fresh from Belize. God only knows why you came to Alaska, but you’re very welcome here.”

 

“Nice to meet you,” Mark said. “I’m Mark Tuan and this is…” He hesitated for just a moment. “My assistant, Jim Young.”

 

The man pumped their hands. “I’m Rob Manwaring, and this is my son Max.” He gestured to the younger man. “Of Manwaring Hardware fame. We run the store in town, and help out with handy work with whoever needs it. I’m sure you’ll be needing us at some point—most people do—so I thought I would make a point to introduce myself. We’re also the nearest cabin to yours.”

 

“It’s a real relief to be next to the handy guys,” Mark said with a smile. “Although we’re going to try not to destroy the place our first week here.”

 

“If you do, you know who to call.”

 

Max Manwaring caught Jinyoung’s eye with the kind of look kids got when they wanted to have fun but couldn’t because the boring adults needed to finish their chit-chat. He gave a little side eye roll towards his father and grinned. Jinyoung smiled a little to show a polite solidarity he didn’t necessarily feel. He wasn’t about to go so far as to roll his eyes at Mark just to keep up appearances.

 

“So I hear you’re a writer?” Rob continued.

 

“Yes,” Mark said. “Or a memoirist, if you prefer. I’ve had quite the life, so I thought why not write about it? And where better to get some writing done then somewhere so…secluded?”

 

“It’s like that Thoreau guy, huh, but colder.” Rob laughed. He turned to Jinyoung. “You must be around Max’s age, right? Well, when you’re not busy helping with the memoir, you should come around to our place and get to know each other. Most the other twenty-somethings in the area have left for greener pastures, so he’s been a bit short on company.”

 

“Dad, I’m twenty-one, I don’t need you to make friends for me,” Max said, vexed.

 

Rob lifted his hands innocently. “I’m only saying.”

 

“We’ll be busy here,” Jinyoung said. “But I hope we can see you both around sometimes. We’ll try not to be strangers.”

 

“I can help you guys out with errands,” Max said. “If you want. Since I work in town, I don’t mind picking up things like groceries and household items and delivering them. It can get difficult going out in the winter.”

 

“We might have to take you up on that,” Mark said. Jinyoung nodded. The drive into town was a roundabout and time consuming one, and he didn’t want to make it often if he could help it.

 

After a bit more banter, Rob offered to help walk Mark through his winter maintenance checklist—“It’ll be here before you know it!”—and the two of them walked around the house to check the siding and roof. Max trailed after with Jinyoung, walking at a slower speed.

 

“So you really came to Alaska to help that guy write a book?” he asked Jinyoung.

 

“It’s not as if I’m not getting paid for it,” Jinyoung said with a shrug. “Plus, it’s a pretty big deal. It’s not every day a dime a dozen MFA graduate like me gets to sit in on the writing process of someone far more talented than me. I’m pretty excited about it.”

 

“But in Alaska?”

 

“The cold never bothered me anyways.”

 

Max looked at him quizzically. Jinyoung supposed this reference was outdated now and shrugged again helplessly. It struck him now that twenty-year-old Mark had been quick to adapt to Jinyoung’s ‘ancient’ wavelength, but that it probably wouldn’t be the same for any other twenty-year-old.

 

Max matched Jinyoung’s shrug, brushing it off. “Hope my dad didn’t bother you by insisting we become friends. God, parents, you know? Can’t live with them. Except in my case I have to live with them because this really isn’t the place to be living alone.”

 

“It wasn’t a bother. Your dad seems nice.”

 

“Yeah, he’s a nice guy, I guess. And not wrong that there’s barely anyone our age around anymore. It gets old hanging around with my dad and his friends all the time.” He looked at Jinyoung, a slight bit of hope in his eyes. A lot bit of need. Jinyoung couldn’t blame him for it. Why wouldn’t he want to make friends with the new twenty-something in town? He just had the misfortune of that twenty-something being Jinyoung, who wasn’t twenty, and wasn’t keen on making friends during this tricky period of needing to protect the nature of his relationship with Mark while still enjoying the relationship fully in the remaining years they had.

 

“I have an affinity for older people, so I’m not too worried about it, myself,” Jinyoung said. “Mark’s a great person to spend time with. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

 

“Yeah…but…” Max gave him a little nudge on the shoulder. “If you ever need a break, Jim, I’ll be around, yeah? We don’t have to be friends, but I think it would be nice to be friends anyways.”

 

Jinyoung nodded. “Like I said, I definitely don’t want to be strangers with our neighbors. I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other around.”

 

When Rob and Max left, Mark and Jinyoung went back inside. “They seem nice,” Jinyoung commented.

 

“Yes, very nice,” Mark agreed. “Although I think it might be a good idea if you didn’t get too close to Max.”

 

“Oh? Jealousy is not a good look on you, Mark.”

 

“It’s not jealousy,” Mark said crossly. “It’s just…he’s like how I used to be. Lonely. Desperate to fill a space. And if he tries to fill that space with you…”

 

“He’ll get too close and ask too many questions like another needy brat I know.” Jinyoung rested his chin on the top of Mark’s head. “And questions are the last thing you and I need now.”

 

“I don’t want to cut you off from the world,” Mark said sincerely. “I loved watching you helping so many people over the years. The whole reason I wanted to love you in the first place was so that you could also love the rest of the world along with me. I just…I just don’t want the rest of the world to get too close right now and make things difficult for you and I.”

 

“Me either. There will be time for me and the rest of the world. Too much of it, probably. It will forgive me for dedicating these few years almost entirely to you.” Jinyoung kissed the top of his head. “Now let’s get unpacking and make this new little world of ours feel like home.”

 


 

It didn’t take long for that to happen. It wasn’t that Jinyoung felt any kind of immediate connection to Alaska—no land would ever speak to him as much as Inje, where he could be close to his point of origin—or that the cabin was cozier or homier than any other place they’d lived. It was that he got to spend more time than ever with Mark. It wasn’t like other couples who struggled through the adjustment period of having so much time together after retirement. They both fell into it naturally, as if it was the way they’d always meant to be. It was like the old days, the weekends of sniping back and forth at each other in Inje, but different to reflect the different people they had become in the interim. Mark had always been smart, but time had given him an even deeper outlook on the world, an even sharper understanding. And Jinyoung wasn’t as cynical as he’d used to be, and understood a lot more of the things he’d hardened his heart against in the past.

 

They spent a lot of time talking, but just as much time simply being. They could understand each other without speaking, so well did they know each other now. Jinyoung could spend an hour doing nothing more than running his fingers against Mark’s hand but yet feel as if thousands of things had been communicated to him through touch alone. It amazed him now that he’d once been afraid of watching Mark get older. The thought of time passing still came along with some fear attached, but he loved finding and identifying every change in Mark. They were all beautiful, all evidence of a life well-lived. Jinyoung wished the same things would manifest in his body. His soul transformed so much that it struck him as odd to have to see the same unchanging face staring back at him in the mirror.

 

The days passed in peacefulness, and several could easily go by with them not seeing anyone else but each other. Max came every two weeks with groceries, but he was the only regular contact they had.

 

Since he usually came by around the same time on each occasion, they were able to navigate his visits by pretending to be busy with ‘writing the book’ so he would have to leave as soon as the groceries were unloaded. Jinyoung could tell Max was still eager to pull him away from Mark so they could hang out, but was careful to pretend like he didn’t notice so his persistence in not letting a friendship develop much further didn’t come across as intentional or rude.

 

But one day, Max arrived with the groceries a little earlier than expected and caught Jinyoung by himself while Mark was away at a doctor’s appointment. “Finally,” he said, grinning. “I was beginning to think you never stopped working. Where’s the boss?”

 

“Out,” Jinyoung said.

 

“For how long?”

 

“I’m not sure.”

 

“Want to go on a walk, then? I promise to have you back before you’re missed, Cinderella.”

 

Jinyoung debated declining, but could think of no real reason to off the top of his head. It wasn’t as if he disliked Max, anyways; he didn’t really even know him well enough to.

 

Mark and Jinyoung’s cabin abutted a patch of woods, so they headed off down the trail leading through the trees. “How’s the book coming?” Max asked.

 

“Well,” Jinyoung said. “Slowly, but well.”

 

“What exactly is his life story about, anyways?”

 

“Uh…his life?”

 

Max laughed. “I mean, what exactly makes his life so special?”

 

“Oh, he’s been everywhere. Grew up in California, educated in South Korea, moved to England, moved to Belize, did relief work all over the world…he’s really had some amazing experiences. And met some pretty incredible people along the way.” Jinyoung smiled. “From the moment I met him, he’s always seemed to know his path and have this rich understanding of the world around him. He’s truly fascinating.”

 

“Well, you certainly seem to admire him. Aren’t you bored, though? It must to be cooped up with one person all the time. Especially if that person is pretty much your boss.”

 

“I’m fine. I knew what I was getting into when I came here.”

 

Max shrugged, clearly not understanding but ready to let it go and move on. “What about your life story?” he asked.

 

“Nothing as interesting. I’m a recent graduate who studied creative writing.”

 

“And you lived in Belize?”

 

“Yup. My parents are the kind of obscenely wealthy people who can retire to their overseas vacation home.”

 

“You’re that rich and you still came here in the middle of bum nowhere to work for hours every day writing someone else’s story?”

 

“I’m serious when I say it’s exactly what I want to be doing. Happiness can take odd forms, you know? This is mine.”

 

Max sighed. “Sorry I’m always coming across as judgmental. I guess I’m still figuring myself out, so I don’t get how it comes so easy to you. And how you can like being here so much when I’ve always wanted to be somewhere else.”

 

“Somewhere else doesn’t always solve your problems, you know.”

 

“It would sure as hell solve my ‘isolated-from-my-own-peer-group’ problem, though.” He looked at Jinyoung. “Can you ask your boss for some vacation time? We should do something together. Go snowmobiling or something. Go to one of the big cities.”

 

Jinyoung bit his lip. “I don’t know.”

 

“Come on! Isn’t vacation time a worker’s right, or something?”

 

“I don’t want to leave Mark by himself in the cabin.”

 

“You do realize he’s old enough to take care of himself, right?”

 

“I know, but…” Jinyoung exhaled, frustrated with himself for not being able to come up with a quick excuse. He was usually so good at lying, but right now the only thing in his brain was I don’t want to be without him, not for a single day. Don’t you understand how precious this time is?

 

But to Max, the time right now wasn’t precious because he hadn’t found his happiness within it. He was resentful of it, waiting for it to pass so he could reach the page where the story got good and the action started. The same time he wanted to tear through was the time Jinyoung needed to pass slowly and carefully. Max was primed to rush forward and into something exciting, while Jinyoung wanted to go at a snail’s pace and find excitement in quiet moments, the kind of moments he could lose himself in and forget how quickly the train of life tended to hurtle down the tracks.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Jinyoung said at length, after not coming up with anything better to say. He couldn’t explain himself, and Max wasn’t looking for a complicated answer. He didn’t have the kind of patience Mark did. If he heard a ‘no,’ he wasn’t going to bide his time and turn it into a ‘yes.’ He was going to be hurt by it, and think that Jinyoung was keeping him at arm’s length because he disliked him, and not because he simply happened to care about someone else far more.

 

“Awesome,” Max said, translating the ‘I’ll think about it’ to a ‘yes.’ “It’ll be fun. I want to get to know you better, Jim. Like, really get to know you.”

 

Jinyoung’s stomach sank. It hadn’t been so long that he couldn’t read the tone of those words. His mind immediately conjured an image of Mark turning to look at him and say, I have an itch for you. I’m going to want to see you again. So I will. But that time, Jinyoung’s heart had moved, even if he hadn’t wanted to admit it. This time, he just felt cold.

 

He knew he needed to vocalize it. Politely. There was no point in letting this lonely boy get his hopes up and think that he had found the answer to his loneliness when he hadn’t. But while he was trying to find the words, they reached the beginning of the trail again and Jinyoung could see Mark pulling into the driveway.

 

“You have to go, right?” Max asked.

 

“Yes,” Jinyoung said, a bit numbly. “Max-”

 

“I won’t get you in trouble with the boss, I promise.” He saluted. “See you around?”

 

“Yeah.” He would have to make his feelings clear another time. Be crystal clear about not wanting to make vacation plans. Nip it in the bud, like he’d failed to do with Mark. That failure had been a blessing, sure, but there’d always been a part of him that had wanted to let Mark in. An itch. An immediate ability to see him just a bit clearer than anyone else, even before he’d properly fallen in love. But this was different. The last thing he needed to be doing was playing around with someone’s feelings just because having more of a heart now made him less prone to his former bluntness.

 

Max jogged away, and Jinyoung in his breath and headed towards the driveway. Mark got out his car, brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” he asked, immediately noticing Jinyoung’s expression.

 

“I should have done a better job of keeping him away,” Jinyoung said sadly.

 

Mark sighed, reaching out to run his thumb against Jinyoung’s jaw. “It probably wouldn’t have worked anyways,” he said. “There’s something about you, Jinyoung. I wouldn’t be the only one to notice.”

 

“No, but you were the first. The first to notice before I let myself become better. The first to love not just me, but Seokga, too.”

 

“Yes. But if I stayed the only one your whole life, that would just prove the rest of the world to be tasteless fools.” He took Jinyoung’s hand. “I know that it feels sad, not loving someone who loves you.”

 

“I didn’t feel this way when you told me you loved me the first time.”

 

“Of course you didn’t. Because you were already halfway there yourself.” He squeezed Jinyoung’s hand. “It’s fine, feeling bad about it. It’s just part of living. It never gets easier. You just get better at it, just like with everything else.”

 


 

Jinyoung was in the middle of putting together a sandwich for lunch when a clap of thunder resounded overhead.

 

Minutes later, the sky opened up and rain began pounding against the roof. It made a satisfying sound, one that immediately filled the quiet of the house with a frenzied, passionate rhythm. Jinyoung grinned, shoving his sandwich into the fridge to eat another time. He went through the hallways, looking for Mark before finding him in the living room on the couch, browsing on his laptop.

 

“Put that away,” Jinyoung said. “It’s our first thunderstorm in Alaska.”

 

Mark grinned, closing the laptop and pushing it under the couch. “And what’s so special about that, hmmm?”

 

“Don’t play with me. You know how quickly these things can end.”

 

“Are we going to go out and run around in it like usual?”

 

“Are you kidding? This is Alaska, not Belize. No, I think we should skip right to our favorite part.”

 

“I’m not sure it’ll be as much fun if we’re not unily stripping off wet clothes.”

 

“We could always go into the shower.”

 

“But then we wouldn’t be able to hear the rain.”

 

“So like this, then?” Jinyoung slipped into Mark’s lap, straddling him.

 

Mark exhaled. “Like this,” he said softly.

 

Jinyoung smiled. Ever since the first time, they’d been partial to rainstorms. It was a little bit of everything that did it—the sound, the memories, the security of each other when it sounded like the world outside was going through an apocalypse. It was a tradition they could also bring with them wherever they want, unlike the mattress they’d tried to cling onto for so long. The beauty of the rain followed them everywhere, as did the feeling of sharing it together.

 

Mark wrapped his arms around Jinyoung’s waist and pulled him in for a kiss as a flash of lightning caused the room around them to flicker from light to dark. Jinyoung’s hands fumbled for the buttons of his shirt as he returned the kiss, clumsy with desire.

 

While they were kissing, Jinyoung thought he heard something coming from the front of the house, something like a thunk. He hoped nothing had fallen over on their porch, but immediately forgot about it as Mark ed his pants. What did it matter if a decoration they’d gotten as an afterthought at a home goods store broke? This moment was priceless, what was truly important. Jinyoung his lips away from Mark so he could hold his eyes as his breath hitched. It was right then, out of the corner of his eye, that he saw a movement.

 

He turned his head sharply. Someone was standing outside, obscured by the water droplets on the window but for their bright orange umbrella. “Mark,” Jinyoung said urgently. “Someone’s there.”

 

Mark gently pushed Jinyoung off his lap, angling his body in front of Jinyoung’s to make it harder for whoever was at the window to see him. “I can barely see who it is,” Mark said quietly. “Do you think they would be able to see us?”

 

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung said. He squinted at the rain slick window. “Who…?”

 

“Probably Max. Rob wouldn’t come to the window like that.”

 

“What should we do?”

 

“Button up. Grab an umbrella and see who it is. If it’s Max, and he did see us…” Mark grimaced. “We need to get ahead of it before he tells his father.”

 

Jinyoung nodded, quickly buttoning his pants and hurrying towards the entryway. He threw on his shoes and coat and grabbed an umbrella from the stand by the door. He went outside, shivering as the cold rain lashed against him. He could see from the size of the figure still standing by the window that it wasn’t Rob. It was almost certainly Max.

 

“Max!” Jinyoung called out. Max whipped his head around to look at him. He looked shell-shocked for a moment, then his expression turned suddenly thunderous as he marched towards Jinyoung. “What the hell?” he yelled. “What the hell did I just see?”

 

Jinyoung in his breath. He’d definitely seen them, then. “It’s-”

 

“No, don’t even try an excuse on me.” Max’s voice was like steel. “You’re ing him. Your boss. Seriously? You’re doing that? Isn’t he old enough to be your father? Or even your grandfather?”

 

Jinyoung knew it would be pointless to deny it. Max wasn’t going to buy it, and there was really no excuse to explain away kissing his boss—or stripping him, if Max had been able to see that, too.

 

“Look, Max, I’m old enough to decide who I have with,” Jinyoung said, folding his arms across his chest. “His age doesn’t mean anything to me. I like him.”

 

“You like him? That geezer? God, I’d think you were a ing gold digger if you hadn’t already told me your family was rich. Is he forcing you? Is that what this is? He’s bribing you with something?”

 

“No!” Jinyoung said defensively. “He wouldn’t do that.”

 

“Then it’s a casting couch type thing. You’re ing him in hopes he’ll help your writing career?”

 

“NO! I don’t care about that! I just-”

 

“So you really expect me to believe you’re attracted to grandpas?” He shook his head. “He’s brainwashed you. He’s ing brainwashed you to believe you’re in love with him or something. Disgusting.”

 

“Stop it!” Jinyoung yelled, feeling his temper spiking before he could even begin to get a handle on it. “You don’t know anything about us! You don’t know anything about me! What gives you the right to spy us on and spew these terrible, unfounded accusations at us as if you know anything, anything about what you think you saw.”

 

“I know what I saw! I saw a ing per-”

 

He was stopped by Mark opening the door. “Max,” Mark said, just loud enough to be heard over the rain. “If you have anything to say, say it to me. Not him. He’s done nothing wrong.”

 

Max swelled up. “Oh, I have a lot to say to you. Is this how you get off, hiring young assistants and taking advantage of them like that? Did you have one in Belize, too? Did you bring Jim to the middle of nowhere so you wouldn’t get caught?”

 

Mark looked at Max levelly, but Jinyoung felt like a firework of raw anger, unable to keep himself from bursting. “Is it so hard to believe that I could fall in love with him?” Jinyoung snapped. “Is this some kind of ageist thing, or are you just making things up out of jealousy because I’d rather him over you?”

 

Max drew back as if he’d been slapped. “Jinyoung,” Mark said sharply. “I’m disappointed to hear that kind of needless cruelty from you of all people. Is that really what you want to be saying right now?”

 

Jinyoung flushed, knowing it was true. Even if he was angry, he had no place weaponizing someone else’s feelings for him to hurt them. It had been a long time since he’d felt such shame in himself, and he didn’t like how it felt. He could almost feel Mireuk laughing at him from somewhere. Such a great, all-loving god you are, Seokga. Again, you can’t muster up compassion for the ones whose hearts you stomp on.

 

“Max,” Mark said, still keeping his voice level and calm. “I know that nothing I can say will keep this from looking as bad as you think it is. All I will say is that I love him genuinely. And I believe he loves me genuinely. I would never lay a finger on him if that wasn’t true. But I know that coming from me, this probably doesn’t carry any weight. You’re free to think me disgusting. Maybe I am. But I’m trying to do right by him, and I always will. Make of that what you will.”

 

Max stared at Mark with a look of pure hatred. “Go to hell,” he spit out. “Both of you, go to ing hell. You deserve each other.”

 

With that, he spun on his heel, running down the driveaway and out of sight.

 

“He shouldn’t have said that,” Jinyoung seethed. “He shouldn’t have said any of that.”

 

“Yes, he should have,” Mark said, his voice a touch less gentle now that Max was gone. “You were the one who stepped over the line, Jinyoung. What do you gain from losing your temper like that?”

 

“B-but he said-” Jinyoung sputtered.

 

“Are you millions of years old, Jinyoung, or are you five?” Mark sighed. “Come inside. You’re going to freeze out there.”

 

Jinyoung followed Mark inside, still half stewing, half deeply ashamed. In his heart, he knew Mark was right. If he wanted to protect the two of them, he couldn’t go around making enemies with someone who’d caught on to one part of their secret. And he certainly shouldn’t be hitting them with low blows and he didn’t genuinely mean. But when he thought about the accusations hurled against Mark, he couldn’t help but feel furious all over again. How could Max say such terrible things about someone so good?

 

Mark led him back to the couch and sat down. “Jinyoung,” he said in an exhausted voice. “I know you’ve lived through a lot of eras and sometimes the customs run together for you, but you have to know how us being intimate like that would look in this era. Max was completely right to be upset, and completely right to question my intentions and behavior.”

 

“But you haven’t done anything wrong.”

 

“Jinyoung, you have to stop thinking about this in terms of us. No one looking at that would know who we are or what we’ve been through, OK? Max was looking at a sixty plus man with a young twenty-something he’s employing and taking complete advantage of his power over him. It happens in real life, and it is disgusting. The fact that you’re technically a consenting adult doesn’t change the nuances of someone like me using your admiration and sense of duty against you for .”

 

Jinyoung took a breath, steadying himself. Now that his anger was calming, it easier to see the situation for what it was. But as always, seeing things for what they were didn’t necessarily make them easier to accept. “But we are us, Mark. I don’t know how to answer his accusations if what he was seeing wasn’t the full truth.”

 

“I know we’re us, Jinyoung,” Mark said, a little gentler. “That’s why I said what I did, instead of saying it would never happen again. I can’t just give you up because we live in a world where no one but us can know the truth. But we still have to be aware of it, OK? We have to remember that there are sometimes legitimate reasons behind judgements, and we can’t just answer them with hatefulness based on a truth only we know.”

 

The last of Jinyoung’s anger seeped from him, leaving him feeling deflated and small. “You’re right,” he said. “And I was the one who warned you years ago that us staying together would lead to this something like this. I thought you would be the one out of the two of us who wasn’t ready for it, but it was me all along, huh?”

 

“You tended to underestimate me back then,” Mark said. “Which was fair. I was pretty young and naïve and stupid over you. But this whole being with someone thing…this is the first time you’ve done this, Jinyoung. You’re going into this blind, and you’re just as bound to make mistakes as I am. I’ll always be the first to sing your praises, but there’s some things you shouldn’t overestimate yourself on.”

 

Jinyoung nodded, feeling humbled. “I just hated it so much,” he admitted quietly. “I hate hearing someone saying bad things about you. You saved me from myself. You gave me hope back…you gave me everything back. It just makes me sick to know there’s someone in the world who thinks you’re evil and abusive and disgusting.”

 

“I can’t go through life with everyone liking me,” Mark said. “No one can. And if Max thinks I’m evil and abusive, I can live with that. I know the truth. You know the truth. That’s all that matters to me.”

 

“Do you think he’ll tell his father?”

 

Mark bit his lip. “Probably not. It won’t do any good. You’re an adult, so there’s nothing illegal to report, and I think there’s a matter of pride in it as well. You really put it very rudely, Jinyoung, but the fact you’re choosing me and defending me over him probably does come as an embarrassment, even though he thinks I basically groomed you into loving me.”

 

“I wish I hadn’t said it. It really was…bad. Awful. Terrible thing to say.”

 

“Frankly, Jinyoung, when we first met you were horrendously blunt to the point of being hurtful at times. I can let that slide off my back so it never really bothered me, and you’ve gotten better about it since then. But still, it’s a side of yourself you really need to get a handle on.” He smiled a little. “I can say that since I also needed to get a handle on the brattish side of me that was always steamrolling you just so you wouldn’t run away from me. I think that was what actually worried me about Max acting so much like me back in the day. I was worried he’d do the same to you.”

 

“If you hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t have even gotten my address and we wouldn’t be here today.”

 

“I’m not sure about that. Still, I will acknowledge that I probably shouldn’t have dropped myself on your doorstep when you didn’t want me so often. You could be a jerk, and I could be a brat. But we really are older now then we were back then, aren’t we? We can do better. So heaven forbid this happens again, but if it does…”

 

“I won’t lose my temper,” Jinyoung said, taking Mark’s hand. “I’ll do a better job of remembering what really matters.”

 

“Good. But let’s be more careful in the future, OK? Even when it rains.”

 

“OK.” Jinyoung rested his head on Mark’s shoulder. “This didn’t scare you off, did it? This is just one of the many hard things to come.”

 

“This wasn’t even close to the hardest thing that I’ve faced based on my decision,” Mark said, pressing his cheek against Jinyoung’s hair. “And I’d make that decision all over again, every time, no matter what. I’m not even close to regretting choosing you, Jinyoung. Not even close.”

 


 

After that, they had to get their own groceries. When Jinyoung ran into Rob Manwaring by chance at a clothing store, he was sheepish and apologetic. “I don’t know what’s gotten into Max,” he said. “He’s too old to be going off into a huff like this.”

 

Jinyoung was just relieved Max hadn’t told his father about what he’d seen. “It’s fine,” he said quickly. “It was probably my fault. I said something rude, and he was right to be angry about it.”

 

Rob looked surprised. “I find that hard to believe, Jim. But if you say so…”

 

A few months later, they heard that Max had moved to Washington. Jinyoung wished him well, but was again relieved that they probably weren’t likely to encounter each other again. With him gone, it was very rare for them to have visitors. They could be alone as they had wanted, and though Jinyoung still felt shamed at how they’d earned their loneliness, he didn’t want to take it for granted either.

 

Something was off, though. Mark was beginning to seem a little more distant than normal, and was always insisting on going to bed after Jinyoung. Even when Jinyoung tried to stay up late so they could go to bed together, Mark somehow always managed to outlast him.

 

“Are you still angry with me?” Jinyoung asked over dinner one night.

 

Mark shook his head, bewildered. “Jinyoung, I forgave you for ghosting me, remember? There’s no way I’m going to hold a grudge over something that happened during a tense moment where you felt provoked, OK? You learned your lesson.”

 

But still, it was the same that evening. When Jinyoung announced he was ready to go to bed, Mark said he was going to stay up and finish the book he was reading.

 

“Are you having intimacy issues thanks to what happened with Max?” Jinyoung blurted out. “Or is it impotence?”

 

Mark dropped his book into his lap. “What?”

 

“I’m quite familiar with your drive, all right? It’s not normal for you to go weeks without even trying to touch me. If Max catching us scared you off from having with me, we should talk about it. And if it’s impotence, we should talk about that, too, right? Whatever it is, avoiding with me without talking to me about it is just getting annoying, all right?”

 

“I’m not impotent,” Mark said indignantly.

 

“Don’t huff about it, you’re at an age where it can happen. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Jinyoung folded his arms. “So if it’s not impotence, then the thing with Max bothered you to the point where you’re too nervous to do it now? Our bedroom window has black out blinds.”

 

“It’s not that, not exactly.” Mark took a breath. “I’m…just…struggling a bit with…I don’t know. Feeling y. Feeling attractive. I just don’t anymore, all right?”

 

Jinyoung’s eyebrows flew up. “Really? But you’re a, what do they call it? Silver fox? You’ve been handsome ever since I met you, and you still are.”

 

“I’m not talking about my face.”

 

“Your body, then? You’ve managed yourself well. You look great.”

 

“It’s not that!” Mark snapped. “It’s exactly what I said! I don’t feel it anymore, all right? My body looks all right, but it feels stiff and creaky prepared to before, and I have to take a handful of medication every morning just to keep it from acting up on me. But when I’m with you, I still try to act y like before so you’ll still feel attracted to me, but I just feel stupid and old.”

 

“Mark, I’m the last person you have to worry about looking down on you for your age, all right? I’m the oldest-”

 

“This is a different kind of old, Jinyoung. Your form of being old comes from centuries of existence. I’ll never know what that’s like. But my form of being old comes from my body slowly going bad on me every single year, with half of it entirely outside of my control. And you’ll never know that form of being old, no matter how many years you have over me.”

 

“That’s true.” Jinyoung straightened up, realizeing this wasn’t the kind of discussion that was be resolved by easily soothing Mark’s feelings away with a few words. “That’s very true. I don’t know how that feels. Is it really getting in the way of things for you?”

 

Mark nodded grimly. “I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you. But when I compare myself next to you, I feel inadequate. I remember how it was in my twenties, on a physical and ual level. And you’re always going to be in that place. And I’m not. There’s no way of getting around it.”

 

“But maybe it’s something we don’t need to ‘get around.’” Jinyoung studied him. “Look…I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when we first had , it wasn’t because I lusted after you. I wasn’t thinking about your body or looks or anything. I’d only just realized I was in love with you after trying to ignore the feeling, so I hadn’t even thought of you like that, in a ual way. Probably because I was never much of a ual person, before you. I had desires, yes, but I didn’t really look at any humans ually. Is this making sense?” Jinyoung sighed, trying to find the words. “What I’m trying to say is, what I wanted from you that night was a connection. Your feeling of love for me, joined with my feeling of love for you. That was the thing I’d never felt before. I’d had , but not that kind of . Not that stemmed from loving someone so much that you want everything of them. And that’s how I’ve always felt about it. It’s not about your body. It has barely anything to do with your body, or even your face. It’s how you treat me, how you speak to me, how you love me. How I want to be connected to you, and feel your love washing over me. That’s it.”

 

Mark tilted his head. “So…it doesn’t stand in the way of anything for you at all?”

 

Jinyoung nodded. “I may look the same every day of my life. But I’m not a twenty-five-year-old looking at someone three times my age, right? I’m looking at the person I’ve spent almost every day with for the past forty-five plus years. I passed all that time with you. I look at you in the same way an elderly person would look at their elderly spouse. Like Lorna would look at Colin, or how Youngjae would look at Jaebum. I’m just glad the years have mostly been good to us. I’m glad to still be here with you, even though you look forty-five years older than you did when we first started. You don’t have to be y if you don’t feel like you have that in you anymore. I’ll still want you all the same.”

 

Mark’s eyes got a bit glassy. “That’s…really actually quite sweet, Jinyoung.”

 

“Even I can be sweet sometimes.” He touched Mark’s face. “I don’t expect our relationship to always be ual. I don’t really need it to be. But I at least want it to be something we decide together. And if you do still want a ual relationship for the time being, I want to solve any problem getting in the way of that for you. You just need to talk to me about what you want.”

 

Mark leaned into him. “Honestly? I’m pretty sure I’ll want you until I physically can’t anymore. And even then…” He cleared his throat. “You may not have lusted after me since the beginning, but I definitely lusted after you, so…”

 

“Hence me noticing the abrupt change to your drive,” Jinyoung said with a laugh. “But if that’s how you feel, let’s find something that works. No more staying up all night without me, all right?”

 

“All right. You win.” Mark rose to his feet, groaning as his limbs creaked. “Ugh.”

 

“You know what that sounds like?” Jinyoung asked, his expression serious.

 

“What? Don’t tell me you think I have osteoporosis or something.”

 

“No.” His lips slipped into a smile. “It sounds like you could use a good greasing.”

 

They both burst into laughter, and though so much time had passed, the notes of Mark’s were just the same as they had been when he was young.

 


 

It was getting to be that time. Jinyoung was now ‘forty’ yet again, and it was time to move on. In their last five years in Alaska, the two of them had taken Japanese lessons in preparation for their next move to Kyoto. Jinyoung had remembered some of it from having lived there previously a long time ago, but Mark only knew as much as was similar to Chinese.

 

As always, Jinyoung was sad to be going. They wouldn’t be able to have the same kind of isolation in Kyoto, and he would miss the cooped up little world they had enjoyed—if not the harsh winters and the difficulty keeping stocked. All the same, it was necessary to spend the next years in a place that wasn’t so remote, and where Mark could access care if he needed it. Living a long drive away from the hospital just wasn’t feasible anymore.

 

But Jinyoung had heard Kyoto was a serene sort of place outside of the steady stream of tourism, and the place they had secured was far enough away from the sightseeing spots for them to have some privacy.

 

A week before they were set to leave, Jinyoung went to the hardware store to pick up a luggage lock for his suitcase. To his surprise, Rob Manwaring wasn’t behind the counter as he usually was. Instead, it was a man in his thirties, with a familiar head of floppy curls.

 

Max’s mouth fell open when he laid eyes on Jinyoung. “You’re still here?” he asked.

 

“Yes…?” Jinyoung said tentatively.

 

“You’re still writing that damn book fifteen years later?”

 

“Oh, no. That’s finished. We liked Alaska and we decided to stay. Mark’s been writing…more books. Yes.” Jinyoung usually wasn’t so sloppy with his cover story, and grimaced at the poor execution.

 

“Huh. So you’re still together, then. Huh. I thought he would have dumped you for someone younger, but it looks like you haven’t aged a day. You still look mid-twenties, even though you must be…what? Forty?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Which makes the old guy…late seventies? Eighty?”

 

Jinyoung didn’t respond.

 

“Still a little weird, don’t you think?”

 

“Maybe. But it’s the weird I’ve been committed to for the past fifteen years. It wouldn’t have lasted this long if there was nothing to it.”

 

“Maybe, maybe not.”

 

“What about you? How have things been?”

 

“You actually care?”

 

“Yeah.” Jinyoung looked him in the eye. “I was an inexcusable jerk to you last time we talked, and I’m sorry about it. No matter what you are I said, I ultimately want you to be happy. So…are you?”

 

“Yes,” Max grunted. “Met a nice guy out in Washington, got engaged. I’m just here to visit my parents.”

 

“That’s great. Truly.”

 

“Mmph.”

 

“You look a lot less lonely.”

 

“Yeah. Thanks I guess for being the last straw that made me want to get out of here. Really paid off in terms of my happiness.”

 

Jinyoung smiled. Even when he wasn’t trying, it was still nice to hear he’d managed to do something as a happiness guru, even for someone who hated his guts.

 

“What are you smiling for?” Max asked suspiciously.

 

“Oh, nothing. Just glad it turned out well for you. And you don’t have to worry about us ruining things for you again. We’re moving next week. Probably for the last time.”

 

Max’s expression suddenly turned somber. “Well, . Your old guy’s probably not going to be able to do much traveling soon, huh? And…” He didn’t finish the thought, but Jinyoung could guess what it probably would have been. “Don’t make me feel sorry for you,” he groused instead. “Jesus, you knew what you were getting into, dating a grandpa instead of someone your own age.”

 

Yes, I knew exactly what I was getting into, Jinyoung thought to himself. But you can know what’s coming, see it from a mile away, and still not be ready for it. But ready or not, here it comes all the same.

 

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moonchildern #1
Chapter 14: i finally finished reading it omg i finally made it ㅠㅠ
you can see my last comment right? and it was on march 28 and here i am after almost 3 months, resumed reading this book coz i don’t think i can finish it in one go. i am not that strong 🤧

remember when samsin says “joy will walk with you for much longer than suffering”
and i totally agree with her. even tho jinyoung’s journey hurts like hell but i think he got his happily ever after. THAT ending was the real kind of happy ending and im so so so happy for both jinyoung and mark. they en deserve it omg i think im gonna cry again when the images of them and their struggles came flashing into my head 😭 but they’re happy now REAL happy and this is the tears of joy lmao

i don’t know what else to say. this book is amazing. like your other books. i love it. a lot. how can you always be amazing like this?? i can learn new things and perspectives from this and that was honestly one of my fav things when i read your books. i can always got something new (aside from getting our markjin being so cute sweet hot fluffy and amazing :3). ahhh i really wanna hug you rn but i can’t so im sending my ghost hug. you can’t feel it but it’s there~ thank you so so so much for this one, too! you’re the best best best sonicboom-nim! i can’t wait to read more of your work!! be happy and healthy sonicboom-nim love love ❤️
moonchildern #2
Chapter 5: omg it hurts. this is just the beginning right?? but it’s already hurt so much my soft heart cant handle the pain oh damn it. i already told myself that i have to prepare first before clicking this story and reading it, but i guess i’ll never be ready so why not now? i just hope i dont cry too much reading this fic ㅠㅠ
OnlyForNyeong
#3
Chapter 14: So beautiful! I can't remember how many I cried. Thank you for wrting this wonderful love story.
Marklife #4
Chapter 14: Thought I wouldn’t be crying again reread this but no it’s still feels the same T...T thank you authornim you may not know but through this I have learned to not give up when something is hard and difficult to deal. Thank you again
Potatoness
#5
Chapter 14: This is so beautiful.. I always look forward to your works and read them as you update but not this one because as I reasoned with a friend I need the courage to continue reading every chapter. It's just somewhat painful to read their journey and see Mark age and how they can't settle in a place and stay with their friends and family then later Jinyoung is way younger than Mark. This is the most painful goodbye I have ever read even though I know they had a lifetime together. And I cried a river I dont even want to see my reflection!! I have read tons of stuff and this work of yours is one of my favorites, I cant believe this is fanfiction! This should be a book!!! (but i love the mark and jinyoung and got7 characters though) The issues you have inserted and how the characters went through it and handled it felt like I'm learning too not to mention you have touched sensitive topics as well. I'm rambling but I just want to say youre very much talented and thank you for creating this quality content to the markjin community and to got7!! <3
Farah_7771 #6
Chapter 14: I finished reading it just now ? again i cried a LOT
I don’t know what to say again but all i know that you are much more than talented its like the way i felt every word every sentence is just hitting hard the emotions i felt since chapter 1 until the last one , you are amazing as always and thank you again and again for sharing what you write to us ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Farah_7771 #7
Chapter 13: Ive been crying for 40 minutes ......i cant even describe what i feel all i know that u are talented really thank you for spending time to write ❤️
JinyoungsMark #8
Chapter 14: Seriously this story really make me soo thrill ,love and sad at the same time..although i'm just in my 20s but i can imagine growing older with my love ones and being with them until we die..i really cried when the part mark's going to go..jinyoung's feeling in this part can make me feel empathy towards him.thank u as always for ur beautiful fic !! <3


And

I really wish u well!! I'm looking forward for ur new fic...... and I know someday you gonna stop writing ..but i just wanna let u know.i will always remember and adore ur stories and for the love of markjin! (Because theres soo many amazing writers that have stop writing) i really hope u always be inspired and always well and happy.Thank u again!!! <3
Oohmaknae_ #9
Chapter 14: You know if only i could pay you to publish your stories especially this one, im definitely doing so, only if i could and im so gonna display it in my special bookshelves where i can read it all over again. You really put the spices of life in your stories. This 'lifespan of a fly' hits me hard because i recently move in a completely different country (i used to lived in the Philippines in my 19 years of existence) . This story reminds me how people u know will just passed by in your life, ofcourse the important ones would stay but we're all going to be gone, but even so, life will still move on, it will move forward without u or without anyone and we have no choice but to live with it and keep the memories of all the people who are dear to us. Just like what u stated in the end "and so it was. And so it is" i still have a lot to say but i think i said too much already. Another big thanks author-nim for this another worth reading story of yours!
Cho_lolai101 #10
Chapter 14: “And so it was. And so it is.”
Famous last words and a most beautiful ending to such an ever-enduring , heartwarming love story with my favourite couple, MJ.
I have no words to further describe the feelings you have instilled in me as I read and re-read this masterpiece of yours, among others. How I’ve travelled with them, all the joys and sadness ... the tears I shred Most specially in this epilogue ... it’s beyond brilliant how you so eloquently create and piece them altogether. And the finality of Lord Seokga coming home to the love of his lifetime is one I will treasure. Thank you for yet another amazing ff, Author-nim.