A/N: I wrote this with red-haired Sua in mind (Japanese "Piri" promotions) but I totally forgot that Jiu had red hair too ^^'. I'm sorry if there's any confusion.

--

It’s been a long day.

Well, actually, it’s kinda been like any other day.

I don’t know. Maybe my body’s about to crash after all this caffeine.

How did I get through 10 hour shifts?

“Thank you for the meal,” I smiled at the man who delivered dinner to our team. Although food has been the love of my life, the smile doesn’t feel genuine to me at this late hour.

He returns to the entrance of our building. There’s a girl on his bike. For a second, I thought I saw red hair so I shook my head.

It was just my imagination.

Why is my heart racing though?

-

It’s been 3 months since we broke up. I know. It’s kinda pitiful that I’m still hung up about it considering I was the one who cut things off.

Our days used to be filled with stolen kisses and spontaneous dates. We’d study together in the library or get fried chicken on Friday nights. I used to enjoy just having you in my arms and us singing to drama OSTs. We didn’t know what was next in our life, but we were too in love to care.

It seems that life was simpler back then.

I guess things did change once we became adults. We fought over bills. We fought over dishes. We got jealous easily.

You used to complain about how we never did things together anymore. I got mad at you for not paying rent even though I know you were still struggling in finding a job. You scolded me for not eating the food you made me, when in reality, I was burdened by the fact you were still doing things for me despite not seeing each other.

You noticed how tired I always was when I came home. You called me out when I worked overtime and on the weekends. I was guilty when I missed another one of your performances.

You told me to take a break from work. I was too scared to do that because I was just starting and you know how competitive the editorial job market is.

I wanted to work things out. I swear I did. I wanted to go back to dorm room movie nights and sunrise strolls by the river.

Can I be honest with you though?

I’m selfish. I just wanted to feel that way again.

It came to the point that the memories weren’t enough to curb the desire. It was hard seeing them when it seemed like a distant dream.

I couldn’t make time for new memories. What was in front of me was clearly something different that couldn’t be easily fixed.

You were no longer the smiling princess that was my beautiful girlfriend.

You were the stressed college graduate who couldn’t find a job and didn’t have a supportive girlfriend.

Those were two different people who looked exactly the same. I was having a hard time deciding whether to cope with my euphoric past or dealing with the tragic present.

That’s why I decided to end things.

You deserved better. You deserved to have that smile back on your face.

I hope I didn’t hurt you so much that it’s forever gone.

-

This is so embarrassing.

I can’t believe how wasted I am.

One second, I’m celebrating with my team. I just got a promotion.

I kinda wish you were here to see my achievements after all that I sacrificed. I used to imagine you being next to me when I reached milestones in my career.

Oh wait. I sacrificed you, too.

Our team is smiling and chatting all night.

I laugh with them, but I still don’t feel that spark of joy.

Drinks are being passed around. The editor-in-chief is ordering another round of drinks. I’ve lost count in how many shots I’ve taken.

I wonder who will take me home. It used to be you. Damn, when was the last time I drank? Our graduation?

There’s that red hair again. It cut around the corner.

“Bora?” I call out loud.

“Bora?” My colleagues repeat after me. They turn towards my line of sight.

“Bora.” I say again.

I don’t want to see you again.

Why are my legs standing up though?

“Bora.” I called out again, as if it were some kind of incantation. “Where are you going?”

“Minji, are you okay?” My coworker, Yoohyeon, grabs my arm, but I shove it away.

I follow the red hair. It’s not like I want to see you again. I’m just annoyed that I keep seeing you and I want to make sure you’re real this time.

I go around the corner. It leads to the bathroom.

I go inside the bathroom, but you’re nowhere in sight.

“Bora?” I called out for the nth time tonight. “Where did you go?”

The door opens.

“Bora?”

It’s not red hair. It’s Yoohyeon’s silver braids,

“Bora’s not here, Minji.”

I don’t know why, but the next thing I remember is crashing into Yoohyeon’s arms, your name still lingering on my lips.

You’re not even the same person anymore.

I don’t miss you.

I don’t love you anymore.

I didn’t deserve you.

-

I shouldn’t be surprised that we’d run into each other.

Is it fair for me to think that it’s too soon?

Today I’m supposed to interview this girl group about their recent comeback. Of course, you’re in the same studio. You’re just a back-up dancer for a rookie group. I remember you told me that’s part of your plan: start as a back-up dancer and eventually become a choreographer? I mean, at least you have a job. That reduces one of the stresses you used to have.

Your hair is back to brunette at least.

I ask how you’re doing. You say you’re doing fine, but I know you’re lying. You know I hate it when you lie.

Maybe you actually are doing okay, but that doesn’t rid the guilt I have for causing you grief or the regret of not seeing you overcome your struggles.

I can’t bear to see your face. You’re smiling, but I can see your jaw clenching and the wrinkles on your forehead. You’re anxious and this look takes me back to when things were spiraling out of control.

Your arms are crossed, gripping tightly on your biceps. I know the old me would’ve wanted to hold you and comfort you with praises until you loosened up, but I know you’d push me away and I can’t afford to feel that kind of rejection even though I deserve it.

But what if you let me hold you? That would be dangerous. I’d be back at square one and we’d be back in our dingy apartment with no electricity because we forgot to pay utilities on time. At least we were together then, but was that really enough? We both know the answer to that.

I hate that I know all this. I hate that I couldn’t be there for you.

I hate that I still can’t be there for you.

You grab my hand before we part. “It’s good to see you again. I hope you’re doing okay.”

I look back up to respond, but all I see is your red hair and princess-like smile. The one that makes my heart race like a crazy teenager.

I hate this. Why am I so selfish?

-

Which is right? I see or saw you.
Which is right? I love or loved you.