Five

Chasing After Perfection
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Korean National Training Center

February 7th, 2017

11:31pm

 

It’s late. Taeyeon’s exhausted. The sheets are soft and warm and inviting. Everything’s perfectly comfortable.

 

But she can’t sleep. 

 

She turns on her side and finds her face inches from Jessica’s own. Jessica’s eyes are closed and her face is perfectly peaceful, but Taeyeon knows her well enough to know she’s not asleep yet. So she doesn’t feel as guilty when she breaks the silence. 

 

“Hey.” Her voice comes out louder than she intends for so late at night and she tries to tone it down. 

 

Jessica doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t even open her eyes. Gives no indication she hears Taeyeon at all, but Taeyeon isn’t deterred. The question comes tumbling out of . 

 

“What do you think I should do?” She hates how vulnerable she sounds but it’s nothing compared to how she feels. 

 

Jessica slowly opens her eyes and Taeyeon watches as they find their focus on her, wishes she could replay this moment over and over. 

 

For a second, all Jessica does is stare at Taeyeon. Taeyeon patiently waits for the answer, not minding the pause at all. She could stare for days into those eyes if she were allowed to. 

 

Finally Jessica shifts so that her face isn’t half blocked by her pillow and Taeyeon feels a hand brush against her stomach, resting by her hip. It stays there as Jessica begins to talk. 

 

“How do you feel?” 

 

Taeyeon smiles wryly, because isn’t that just a cheap move, redirecting the question back at her, but she considers the question seriously - she’s unable to do anything else with Jessica staring so earnestly at her like this. She takes a second to try and translate the mess of emotions and thoughts in her head. Tries to listen to what her body and mind are trying to tell her. 

 

“Tired.” It’s the first word that comes to mind. And just the admission of it weighs Taeyeon down, like she’s been ignoring just how tired she’s actually been and is finally feeling the full brunt of it all at once. She feels her body sink into the mattress but at the same time something lightens in her chest. 

 

Jessica stays silent, eyes prompting. 

 

“Really tired,” Taeyeon admits, closing her eyes. She feels the softest of touches ghosting over her arm. She takes a second to revel in it, and draws strength to continue.  

 

“My ankle hurts when I skate,” she says and is caught off guard with her own honesty, but continues to open up because this is Jessica and if there’s anyone Taeyeon knows she can be completely open with, it’s her.  “Has been hurting for a while, actually. But it's not that bad, I think.”

 

Jessica hums, eyes still staring intently at Taeyeon and Taeyeon knows she’s listening. It’s enough to make her want to be even more honest. 

 

“I am scared though,” she says in a smaller voice. Even small injuries, when compounded with a weak mentality could be detrimental. She feels a rush of helplessness coupled with frustration. Her eyes heat with the warning of tears. 

 

“I want to compete,” she says, forcing down a shudder. Her lips still quaver from the effort and she catches the way brown eyes dart downwards towards her lips before snapping back up. “I so, so, so want to compete.”

 

“Why?”

 

Taeyeon startles at the interruption. She stares at Jessica and Jessica stares back. Taeyeon is unable to tell if the blonde is joking or not. 

 

“Why do you want to compete so badly?” Jessica repeats. There’s a burgeoning sort of intensity in her eyes and a hint of something in her tone that Taeyeon doesn’t know what to do with, because obviously Jessica knows why, right? Of course it’s important. Of course she wants to compete - has to compete really. It’s because-

 

Taeyeon pauses. She fumbles for words, feeling like she’s slipping on ice. Why can’t she all of a sudden put into words why she so desperately wants to compete? 

 

“You know why,” is what she settles for. 

 

Even in the dark, Taeyeon can see that Jessica is unimpressed. But what is Taeyeon supposed to do? Go into a spiel how figure skating is her life? How competition is her life? How she has crippling FOMO and a fear of being left behind that isn’t helped by the fact that Jessica seems to be skating further and further away from her grasp? How she’s scared that if she sits this one out, and Alyona surpasses her, then maybe Jessica won’t even look at her anymore? Won’t see her as a worthy rival?

 

Not to mention, it might be her last time competing at Worlds. That’s always a possibility. Not one that many liked to think about, but a realistic one all the same. An athlete’s future is never set in stone. And her body is only going to get older, heavier, weaker. That’s why every competition is important, every decision is weighted. Taeyeon is not sure she can live with the regret that might come if she sits this competition out. A wasted opportunity to prolong an already short career.  

 

“I just need to compete. You know the feeling,” Taeyeon says. And she does need it. Can feel the crippling desperation in her bones. She just doesn’t know how to voice it to Jessica. But Jessica must understand. After all, she is an athlete too. The blonde practically invented competitiveness. 

 

Jessica once competed with a broken wrist ligament, two sprained ankles, and a shin splint. If anyone could understand her, it has to be Jessica. 

 

“I really want to compete,” she repeats breathlessly. She closes her eyes. “But I don’t know if I can.”

 

And that’s it. The truth, the whole truth - all of her insecurities, all of her fears- all out into the open. 

 

Taeyeon opens her eyes and waits apprehensively for the verdict. 

 

Jessica sighs and closes her eyes. She tells Taeyeon to do the same. Taeyeon complies without a second thought. 

 

Under the covers, hands reach for hers and Taeyeon meets them halfway, grasps them tightly. 

 

“You’re scared.” Jessica’s voice floats soothingly into Taeyeon’s ears and it’s instantly calming, like coming home on a cold winter night. “But you know what to do.” 

 

Taeyeon frowns at that. “I don’t though.”

 

“You will.” 

 

She feels Jessica tugging on her hands, so she leans forward, allowing herself to get pulled. She opens her eyes and almost loses her breath when she finds Jessica so tantalizingly close. 

 

A warm hand cups her cheek, and Taeyeon leans into it. 

 

“You will know,” Jessica says again. “Just listen. Really listen. To yourself. Your brain might not know the answer, but your body does. Listen to it.”

 

Taeyeon closes her eyes and tries to listen, but it’s hard with Jessica so close.

 

She falls asleep before she even realizes. 


 

 

 

 

The next day, Jessica wakes up to an empty bed. She’s disappointed, but she can’t say she’s surprised. She replays the conversation they had last night over and over in head, each time wondering if she should’ve been firmer - if she should just save them all the trouble. 

 

But no. This is not her decision to make. This is not her lesson to learn. 

 

Ten minutes later, she stands next to Tiffany as they watch Taeyeon practice. 

 

“She shouldn’t compete,” says Tiffany. Her jaw is stiff and her eyes are hard as she watches Taeyeon skate around the ice like a hawk, looking for any signs of weakness. 

 

“I know.” 

 

Jessica knows. Tiffany knows. Coach Lim knows. Everyone knows. It’s easy to see as an outsider, to make the logical decision when you’re not bound by the same emotional repercussions. 

 

But Jessica has been on the other side. She knows how difficult it can be to see things clearly. The lure of now compared to the later that might never even come. 

 

She’s made some risky decisions herself - hidden the seriousness of injuries from her coach, competed in less than ideal situations. She recalls wrapping her ankles and knees like a mummy, the endless number of pain relief patches placed on her back that probably only helped by placebo, the icy-hot sprays, the KT tape, extensive hours of massages and acupuncture, cupping - anything to keep her body in one piece as she pushed it beyond its limits. 

 

Once during a competition, she and another competitor rammed into each other during warm ups. Jessica had laid there on the ice for several minutes, completely disoriented as blood dripped down her chin. She was dragged off the ice, and checked by a medic. 

 

Everyone told her not to compete. She didn’t listen. 

 

She fell down five times in her free, head completely wrapped in bandages, leaving a bloody trail all across the rink. She’d come in second. And afterwards, she had to be rushed to the hospital. 

 

So she’s learned. She’s paid. Is paying. And probably will continue to pay for the consequences of her decisions for the rest of her life. 

 

Jessica doubts she’ll ever be able to wake up without some sort of bodily pain in her joints ever again. Some nights, she can’t even fall asleep because of the pain in her calf. She knows that it’ll only get worse as she grows older. For now, it’s a small sacrifice. She refuses to regret anything.

 

Tiffany looks at her with muted frustration. “Then tell her that. Tell her she can’t compete. She’ll listen to you.”

 

Jessica knows that too but she shakes her head. “She shouldn’t be listening to me.”

 

She sees Taeyeon leave the ice rink for her break so she descends the steps towards the girl. She doesn’t see the absolutely confused look Tiffany throws her way. 


 

 

 

 

“How’s your ankle?” 

 

Taeyeon flinches as she gulps down the water. Her bottle expands with a small pop as she pulls it away from and she meets Jessica’s gaze almost defensively. 

 

“Fine,” she shoots back. Which is the truth. It hasn’t hurt that much today. She made sure to ice it last night and has been more careful today about her footwork. Still, it feels like a lie when it leaves . 

 

Jessica doesn’t push any further, just crosses her arms and stares. 

 

“Why aren’t you practicing?” Taeyeon asks instead. 

 

Jessica tilts her head and smiles. It’s small and for an answer to such a simple question, somehow unreadable. “I’m on break. No figure skating for a week.” 

 

Jessica stares and Taeyeon somehow feels like Jessica is waiting for something, waiting for her, but Taeyeon has no idea what Jessica wants. 

 

Taeyeon frowns. “That’s...new.” A month before competition is usually when they upped the intensity of their training, the last sprint before the final hurrah. Taking a whole week off now, is like practically giving up almost. Taeyeon wonders if Jessica is even taking the competition seriously. 

 

But Taeyeon is absolutely clueless and Jessica doesn’t say anymore. 

 

She goes back to practice. 

 

 

 

 

“Everyone keeps telling me I shouldn’t compete next month,” Taeyeon says as they get ready for bed. "I don't get the big deal. We've all competed with injuries before. You've - I can't even list all of your injuries. And it's not like Tiffany is in tip top shape. She has that back thing going on." She sighs. 

 

Jessica looks up as Taeyeon stops whatever she’s doing and stares helplessly at Jessica. 

 

“Why aren’t you telling me anything? Don’t you have an opinion?” 

 

Jessica shrugs. She does have an opinion, but her opinion holds too much weight for it to be just an opinion. 

 

“Do you?” Jessica asks instead. 

 

Taeyeon stares at Jessica for a second before resuming brushing her teeth. Jessica watches her for a second. 

 

“Do you remember 2013 when I first got achilles tendonitis?” Jessica asks. 

 

Taeyeon pauses, toothbrush in as toothpast

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Sosh_022
I feel like two more chapters? And then we're done.

Comments

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SammyHwang09
#1
Chapter 5: I'm still mad that this story is incomplete like THIS IS A ING MASTERPIECE. From the way you introduced Jessica and Taeyeon, their friendship that turn into something, the build up in the story, and of course in a figure skater theme. This will always be my favorite athlete taengsic au. Hope you have time to visit this story authornim and maybe maybe update? Hehe
taey_swz
#2
Chapter 5: God, I really hope this story will get picked up and be continued. As a figure skating fan and a Taengsic stan, I am so incredibly enthralled with this story.
shinji409 #3
Chapter 5: Just reread this after watching the winter olympics :) Hope you are doing well
pieceofpopcorn
#4
Now that my excitement for olympic kicked in all over me that tokyo 2020 started... i started to remember this fic again and feeling all sad that you just dumbed the story there and here like that, authornim. I really hope you come back soon and finish it >< Good day to you, authornim :)
anon1317 #5
Chapter 5: i really love this story so far. your characterizations of both taeyeon and jessica are beautiful, and i especially love how jessica silently loves and encourages taeyeon in the background. i'm excited to see how it ends!
Brielievers
#6
Chapter 5: Thank you for this story
Vonyir #7
Chapter 5: Their relationship is so beautiful...
pieceofpopcorn
#8
Chapter 5: Omg Authornim, your sentiment in your writing describing every hook things inside jessica's and taeyeon's minds here got me hooked all the way up! it have been sooo long since i've been this excited to leave a comment on a story. The genuine one, that is this one. The special bond between Taeyeon and Jessica, I can specially get how Tiffany never leave a slack to a non-stop teasing and and observing over every little things taeyeon and jessica do for each other/together. I'm really cannot wait for the next freaking chapters you have for us! Really, maybe this time, Taeyeon can instead give Jessica a little 'teachings' or more to 'teases' of seduce me and a little kiss on the right corner on the lips as well? lol. I'm having so much fun on this one. How can they really hold themselves and stay still on mere 'bestfriends' still? Their mental strength on that one amaze me. Your professional 'sport' pov story telling skills got me more hooked to this story, really! Idk why, all of a sudden i'm so into this skating sport thing for taengsic now... never passed my mind on how much I actually need and appreciate for you to write this for taengsic. I'm looking forward for the next one!
Rpr363
#9
Chapter 5: Its need long way for taeyeon to understand her real condition...i'm glad that jessica soo patient with taeyeon..stubbron taeyeon...well sica stubbron as well...(◠‿◕)
"I will give up my entire figure skating career for her"
That word make me feel....just can say "wowww sica i love u"
And how taeyeon act when jessica will leave her...its soo cuteee taeyeon
Thanks for ur update...
Rpr363
#10
Chapter 5: Its need long way for taeyeon to understand her real condition...i'm glad that jessica soo patient with taeyeon..stubbron taeyeon...well sica stubbron as well...(◠‿◕)
"I will give up my entire figure skating career for her"
That word make me feel....just can say "wowww sica i love u"
And how taeyeon act when jessica will leave her...its soo cuteee taeyeon
Thanks for ur update...