Just theories.

Wendy has theories. 

Theories of what normal is supposed to feel like.

Theories of what could have been and should have been. 

Theories of what it takes to talk to her again.

Theories of what happiness actually is. 

Just theories and nothing more. Theories that would never matter on the grand scheme of things. Theories that would never win her a nobel prize. Theories that would never make her as a 21st century philosopher. But they’re theories that matter to her, especially to her heart.

They always say it takes time, but Wendy would always ask when.

When will her heart stop breaking? When will her mind stop drifting to her? When will she be able to listen to music again without feeling as if someone is twisting a knife on her chest? 

When will she be okay again? 

Wendy theorizes that maybe she’d never be okay again—to never feel whole again and to never grasp what happiness is again. After all, she had everything on her fingertips but she was the one who let go. 

And maybe, just maybe-- she theorizes that, she could also be the one to stitch everything again.

---

When Seungwan was sixteen, she found out falling in love wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t like in the young adult novels she’d indulge in when she has free time, nor was it like the romcom movies she and her mother loved watching together. 

No. 

Learning what love is was by far the toughest one she ever discovered at high school. And the thing is, it wasn’t taught, there was no instruction from any books, there’s no powerpoint presentation nor crash course youtube videos she could find to pinpoint exactly what it was. 

All she had were her own feelings and desires.  The ache of wanting to be near that someone, the need to be better for them, and the want to be wanted by them too. It was hard to distinguish when these different emotions and wants turned to love.

Discovering what all of those meant was hard, when Seungwan always relied more on her brain than taking time to dwell into her feelings.

Love was difficult in itself, what more if you fell for Bae Joohyun. 

Bae Joohyun, the most popular girl at school. The girl with the most mesmerizing eyes that Seungwan feels so whenever those irises focuses on her, that it has her palms sweating so much, her heart thrumming out of her chest, and her eyes drifting everywhere--- doing everything she can just to avoid the woman’s gaze. She already looks like a fool in front of the girl. What more if their eyes met, Seungwan would be gone.

Seungwan wonders if this is how everyone feels under Joohyun’s gaze or is it just her.

Probably just her.

Because when Joohyun walks, all eyes are on her, and Seungwan swears that it looks like everyone was in some sort of trance.

Everyone looks at Bae Joohyun but not her.

She catches glimpses of the girl, once the fair-skinned beauty has turned her back to her, but even just the sight of the girl’s back is enough to make her heart burst out of her rib-cage.

It was confusing, but she welcomed the feeling. 

And yet, no matter how long it took her to realize--- to learn what love is, and how to love, it was worth it.

For when she finally got the courage to look at those eyes, Seungwan just fell.

It was inevitable really, anyone who looked too long at Joohyun’s eyes were sure to fall for her. Seungwan could have just been another victim of those deep pools of chocolate, but no. Somehow, for some reason, may it be fate, or just simply pure luck, Bae Joohyun met her gaze and decided to catch her.

---

People would call it “first love,” but for Son Seungwan, she calls it her “first fall.” 

Love is still complicated-- it cannot be defined by textbook definitions nor it is enough to base it on her feelings itself. For people love in different ways and feel in different ways. Her love for Joohyun could be different from Joohyun’s love for her.

Seungwan doesn’t want to cage something so profound.

She doesn’t even know if she’s truly capable of loving because where do people find the basis when they say, “this is how you love,” or “this is what love looks like.”

But Seungwan theorizes that for every smile and laugh of the brunette, Seungwan feels herself ignite, for when there are blessed mornings where she wakes up to the sound of a heart beating  and light snoring, with a warm body pressed so closed to her, Seungwan finally knows what contentment is, and for whenever their lips met, with sweet murmurs of I love yous every after peck, Seungwan swears nothing could get better than this. 

And so, Seungwan theorizes, that maybe, Bae Joohyun is what love is.

And Son Seungwan realizes that isn’t really her “first fall,” because how could it be? When she finds herself still falling, and falling, every single day to Bae Joohyun.

---
 

High school ends, and Seungwan has to meet the ground at some point. 

She thought Joohyun’s arms would always be her landing pad--warm and soft, with hands so familiar that Seungwan would melt every time,and called it her home-- Joohyun is home.

So when her body meets the ground, there’s only pain.

---

It started when college applications became their enemy, and questions about their future became this noise that they couldn’t just ignore.

When Seungwan was fourteen, she already knew where she should go and what she should be. But now, at eighteen, those two things are still the same, but there’s now the: where she wants to be and who she wants to be with throughout her journey.

The thing is, her should and want doesn’t align, nor does Joohyun’s.

Seungwan thinks that maybe they could still work despite the distance and the lack of physical presence of the other. For they are Seungwan and Joohyun as their friends would say.

Everything will be alright, she’d repeat in her head every time the morning comes and their days together dwindle down.

“It’s not the end of the world”, Seungwan thinks, but there’s  a voice at the back of her head that whispers, “it could be.”

But whenever Joohyun holds her hand just a bit tighter than usual, hugs that would last longer and kisses her with much fervor, the voice disappears.

They would be okay.

---

Seungwan has always been praised for her brain--- for her intelligence precedes those of a normal high school student. She could have skipped a year or two in high school like her parents wanted to but she’s glad she chose not to.

She tries to downplay it but she knows she’s smart, but now, she knows she’s the dumbest person alive.

Seungwan thought she was capable of rational thinking, so when there’s only a week  left of high school, her train of thought started going the irrational route—insecurities, and her anxiety starts dictating the voice inside her head.

She thought she was better than that, but she guesses, just like anyone else, she’s human too.

Seungwan thought that maybe she’d be holding Joohyun back from meeting other people, she thought that Joohyun should have the chance for other people because Seungwan doesn’t want to chain Joohyun to her, she already has two years with her and it was the best goddamn years of her life.

And Seungwan theorizes that happiness really is just this fleeting moment—for those two years passed by so quickly.

She voiced out her thoughts—in her case, she rambled, like she always does, but Joohyun always listens wholeheartedly, her attention never wavering--- and it’s one of the things that Seungwan loves, and would miss.

But as she rambles on, there’s a frown on Joohyun’s face, she wants to stop her rambling and do something obnoxious and silly just to erase the frown that’s marring such a beautiful face.

Joohyun decides to stop her first, her voice so monotonous that it sends a shiver down in Seungwan’s spine. Joohyun tried to rebut everything Seungwan said, tried to make her own point, but she failed to reach Seungwan’s mind, especially when the latter has already decided.

There’s shouting then, Seungwan doesn’t know who raised their voice first but she knows now that the both of them won’t back down so easily.

And suddenly, there are hot tears flowing down on her eyes, and through her blurred vision, she sees that Joohyun too is a sobbing mess.

Seungwan never thought the two of them could be so prideful, but now she knows they are, for they ended the day with their fight unresolved.

And maybe two years weren’t enough to know who Seungwan and Joohyun actually are.

---

A day left and there has only been silence in both ends.

Seungwan now only knows pain.

---

Seungwan knows that graduation is both a sad and happy event, sadness because all these people you’ve come so familiar with, spent years with, are now all going into different paths and it’s always so unlikely to ever see each other again, those who you once said were your best friends could be strangers soon. And there’s happiness because all your hard work for the past four years has finally paid off. You see your family smiling so widely because you made it, even if it was expected from you, but it was hard and you powered through even through the times where you wanted to give up, so there’s that relief, that happiness that blossoms in your chest when you stand on stage. And there’s happiness for new beginnings, and a brighter tomorrow.

But as Seungwan sees everyone throw their graduation cap to the air, with hers still firmly placed on her head, she could only feel her heart ache, for her eyes would always wander to the girl with the beautiful eyes that made her fall, and she finds it funny that her eyes could only see the girl’s back now just like what it used to be.

As everyone finally leaves their seat and goes to their families, Seungwan finds her feet move towards her home.

Joohyun was about to go, she could see her mother call for her but Seungwan reached out and grabbed her hand.

Joohyun doesn’t turn but she stands in her place, she sees the girl’s mother look at her and smiles, and walks away.

“Hyun I’m—,” she begins, only to be cut off when the girl who holds her heart finally turns, and  her eyes meets Joohyun’s. 

And Seungwan swears it was like the first time.

“It’s okay Wan,” Joohyun says with a smile on her face, and Seungwan feels her heart break at the sight, for the smile looks so...broken. “I thought about it yesterday, and maybe you’re right,” Joohyun inhales and exhales, her eyes flitting upward, breaking their gaze. “I mean you’re always right, you’re my small genius after all,” she chuckles.

“Hyun,” Seungwan drops her head and stares at their intertwined fingers, rubbing her thumb at the back of Joohyun’s palm, trying to relish the feeling and the sight.

Seungwan suddenly feels a hand hold the side of her face, wiping away tears that she didn’t even know were falling.

“Don’t cry Wan, you’ll be alright, we’ll be alright,” Seungwan feels her entire body shake, her eyes closing, her head that was once full of thoughts every second, there’s only blank, for her heart seems to be only thing that’s working, and yet, it’s only breaking.

Joohyun lets go of her face and her hands, and Seungwan was about to protest when she’s suddenly engulfed into an embrace, and suddenly there’s warmth  and the scent of floral, and she thinks she’s home, this is her home, and she ruined it.

She feels lips brush to her temple and then Joohyun whispers to her ear, “Maybe one day we’ll find each other again, and you’ll be this renowned doctor from Canada and I’ll be this ordinary girl from Daegu with a simple bakery, you’ll come in to my bakery and you’ll love my pastries but you’ll love me more,” they both laugh, “and you’ll visit me every day, and we can start over again or continue where we left off.”

“Because every day as long as I live I’ll be your home, and I hope you’ll be mine.”

---

She’s twenty-four now, she goes by Wendy, and the most interesting fact about her was that she lived in Canada.

She’s twenty-five and her mind is still full of theories, for there’s so much left to discover in this world, and there’s still so little to what is known. She’s studying medicine and has moved back to South Korea for her residency, and she realizes only now there’s only little to what Science could know.

Science never really answered the whys in the world. Philosophy tries and there’s so many answers from different people, and she figures she should be the one to try and answer her own whys. 

She’s twenty-four and there’s still this hole in her chest. They said time heals all wounds but the years that passed by wasn’t enough especially when it was a wound she inflicted on herself,  and of course holding on to words and feelings from years ago that makes the wound run deeper.

But now, Wendy thinks it’s time to heal--- to stop herself from this prolonged punishment.

And the first step for healing was to treat herself with a strawberry shortcake, and her friend told her the directions to a bakeshop where she could find a delicious one.

So she finds her feet walking there.

The shop is quaint, with lots of pretty looking pastries displayed at the front. Wendy already thinks this would be her favorite shop.

And as she opens the door, a bell from above chimes, and a woman behind the counter, who has her back facing her, turns, and two pairs of wide brown eyes meet again. 

“That took you way too long.”

Wendy theorizes that maybe fate is real, and love is still Bae Joohyun.