A Beautiful of One-sided Love

 

Staring at the little bird fly over one old tree with its’ white wings. A puff of warm breath out from my mouth. I felt my lips quivering under this cold weather. My face numbed, same goes with my trembled hands, though I wore a thick knit glove.

But, I was numbed. I was preoccupied with a headstone two feet away from me. Under the old tree.

“Sweetie, let’s go home”, an old feminine voice.

It was painful, as my trembling lips uttering, “There’s no home for me grand”

“You still got me and her, sweetie”

Tears blurring my sight. “Why grand? Why everyone that I love left me?”

“They didn’t leave you sweetie, they always by your side. And they would be sad seeing you this miserable, sweetie”

“Then, aren’t you sad grand?”

Silence.

I turned around just to watch a tear rolled down against my grandmother’s cheek.

“I’m not sad sweetie, but I am mad to myself”

“Why grand?”

“Oh sweetie” Her wrinkled eyes staring fondly at me, “I am mad because I can do nothing to reassuring you. You still young but you have lost both of your parents. I am fool, useless old lady”

Hearing her croaking voice, My chest twisting. I wasn’t realised, how cruel I am toward my grandmother. She lost her favourite people too, but she always acts tough in front me.

“I’m sorry grand”, I spooned her with my trembled arms. Almost instantly, her warmth hugging me. “You must be sad, you lost them too”

“Oh sweetie, don’t worry about me. I lost them, both. But you lost more sweetie.”

I take a glance at the only headstone there. Old memories ravished inside my head.

 

2 years ago,

 

Park Chaeyoung, a 25 years old lady. I work as a gynaecologist at a well-known hospital in Korea. I was known as a one of workaholic doctor in this entire building, to my friends too. A few of them, because I have long cut off most of my friendships after I lost both of my parents last year.

I thought, I don’t need friends. Any of them.

“Dr Park, a patient wanted to meet you instantly”

I sigh, putting down my coffee on the table. It was my only time to get a short nap. Couldn’t make it again today it seems.

“Get her inside”

A few moments after I told my assistant, soft steps heard to approach me.

“Dr”, it was a soft voice, timidly.

I look up, and there she is, standing glorify with her beauty. I must admit that the lady in white dress in front me now is breath-taking. She is beautiful.

Her small rounded face, with her lil-nose and her eyes like cat-eyes. I was too astonished to notice that I was staring.

She looks weirdly at me, and I was caught red-handed for staring. Warmness radiating my cheeks, while I awkwardly gesturing for her to sit.

“So, what should I help you?”

I thought I was being professional like always, but a muffled knowing chuckle left from her. She looks at me absurdly, “Didn’t you notice my swollen belly?”

My eyes widen, why didn’t I notice it. I look down at her belly, and it was true. Her belly is to bigger than her figure. She must think that I wasn’t a professional with my job. Way to go Chaeyoung, embarrassing yourself in front of this beautiful lady.

“Oh, excuse to my lack of attentive. For how month now?”

“3”

I nod, seeing her belly, it was suit for a three months pregnant woman.

“Have you eaten for this lunch?”

“No, I haven’t”

“Okay, I need to get your blood-pressure, give me your arm please”

I got her full checked up. I noticed, she got low blood-pressure, and it was a normal case considered that she hasn’t taken her lunch.

I get her to perform an ultrasound to check on her baby. I blushed when I saw her smiling fondly at the screen. She must be happy, and knowing that her baby showing a normal result.

“Okay, everything is pretty. I just need you to take a good care of your health, take an enough nutrient. I will give you a pack of vitamin c, make sure you take it. One more thing, I need you to fill this form”

I give her a form about her identity and her marriage.

An uneasiness overcome her facial, she looks over me. “Dr, ermm, I am not married”

“Oh”, I should have noticed. Normally, pregnant ladies came to me alone, highly are not married.

“It’s okay then, just fill in anything that you can fill. But, you should have a guardian to get a confirmation to this hospital, you know it right?”

I told her carefully, as in I was afraid that I might hurt her feeling. Why would I care at the first place? I don’t want to think about it.

“I know”, it is it, she hands me her filled-in form, and walking out from my room.

I sigh, “Did I hurt her feeling?”

I look down at the form, a smile curved on my face, “Kim Jennie, such a beautiful name”

“Till we meet again, Jennie”

 

 

 

Kim Jennie, she would come to my office every week, and call me a creep, but I know her exact time. Every week, on Monday, 2 on the dot. During our session, I realised that I pay attention to her more than anything. For example, she always wearing a white glistering bracelet and with simple golden ring on her ring finger. Her hair always in ponytail, I never seen her hair down. But, even though all those simple things, she still beautiful.

But there is something odd about her, I noticed that she always wearing her white dress to our session, and it was the same dress if I’m not mistaken. I was on edge to ask her about it, but I never did.

“Dr, is there anything wrong?”

Blinking, I watch her hand swaying on my face. I noticed the glittering of her ring before uttering, “Oh, sorry”

There is Jennie, wearing her usual white dress today.

“Are you okay?”

“Well, isn’t it weird when you as a patient asking her doctor well-being”

I let out a small laugh, and it was perfect seeing her laughing too.

“I think you got it right there, but still—”

“I’m okay Jennie”, I reassured her with my firm tone.

“Jennie, can I ask you something?”

Glancing at me, “What is it?”

“Have you been married before?”, I asked with my eyes landed on her ring.

She notices to what I am referring for, “No.” with a little shake of her head. Her answer saddened her facial. She takes her time, and I wait because I know there’s something she wanted to say. She plays with her ring, before continue,

“I almost. With my fiancé.” I feel my chest tightened hearing the word fiancé. A small smile tugged at a corner of .

“He was everything for me, my friend, my lover, my soulmate. I loved him so much”

“Then, what happened? Did he was a jerk?”

She smiles, shaking her head to my question,

“He is far from a jerk. He was sweet, nice, gentle and took a good care toward me, that’s why I agreed to be his fiancée”

“What happened then? Why you guys cannot make it?”

She stops, her small smile faded. I didn’t realise that I was waiting but I know she took her time to answer. After a few moments,

“I called-off our wedding”, she said with a flat-tone.

I didn’t expect for that kind of answer but I know that I shouldn’t ask her more even though the curiosity is killing me. ‘Why would she called-off the wedding, when she said that she loves her fiancé?’

“How about you Dr?”

“Well, I have no ring”, playfully I show her my ring-finger which is there is no ring.

She laughs, “Dr, you know what I mean. What do you think about marriage?”

“I don’t know. I have never thought about it”

“Ermm, I got you.”, nodding at my answer, she plays with her ring more after, “Ermm, is there anyone you were seeing?”

Oh, that’s kind of question. I got it a lot, multiple of times but my answer would always been ‘no’ if I was been asked before I met her. Now,

“Yes, there is someone”

 

 

Jennie and I have become close more than I ever with a patient. But, I can’t never call her as my friend, because we shouldn’t have feeling toward our friend, right?

“If earth is circle, 8 plus 8 should be what?”

I excitedly giving Jennie a riddle that I found in twitter last night. Seeing Jennie’s troubled face to my question is my guilty pleasure.

“Ermm, shouldn’t it be 16”

I smile deviously, “Wrong, the answer is 4, because 8 has two circles so 8 plus 8 should be 4 circles”

Jennie snickered at my answer, “What kind of riddle is that? So weird”

“So, how are you feeling today?”

“Normal. Like always but I seemed to get tired easily nowadays”

I noted down, “There’s anything else you feel? Like pain or throwing up?”

Silence.

“No. nothing like those”

I nod, but her voice heard weaker than her usual tone.

“Are you okay?”

I asked her when our session come to end. She nods, but her lips quivered, and I noticed it was pale.

“Jennie, you don’t look okay”

Jennie shakes her head, and she walk away without a word.

 

“Jennie, why did you run away last week?”

“I didn’t Chaeyoung, there’s something I need to settle”

Jennie’s eyes flickered from mine.

Squinting my eyes, I didn’t buy to her lies. I know there’s something she didn’t tell me.

“Are you sure?”

Jennie smiles, “Yes, I’m sure”

I make a face, saying that I would let it pass this time.

“if you say so. Now give me your arm”

Jennie chuckles. “You’re so cute when you were upset”

“No, I’m not upset”

“Yes, you are”

“No, I’m not”

“Yes, you are”

“Tsk…”

I give up when she narrowed her eyes at me. I was weak for those eyes.

Jennie smiles triumphally, knowing that she has win. Hate to see her satisfied face, I pinch her arm. She lets out a squeaking noise,

“Yah, Park Chaeyoung!”

 

 

After several sessions, Jennie is in her sixth month pregnancy and I always perform for ultrasound to check on her baby’s condition. I didn’t do that always to my other patients, there no need for it to perform every week, but Jennie have been desperate for me to do so.

It was weird, she seems a bit anxious about her baby’s condition, I mean every mother does, but she seems a bit scared than I have ever seen.

“Chaeyoung, there’s nothing wrong with my baby, right?”

Jennie hold my hand tightly, as in she was afraid about the result.

“No Jennie, everything is to be fine”

She lets out a deep relieved sigh.

“Why are you afraid too much Jennie? Is there something that I should know?”

“Nothing Chaeyoung.”

Jennie’s eyes flickered from mine, and I realised that she was hiding something from me.

“Jennie”

I hold both o her hands, “Do you believe me?”

Jennie’s eyes found mine again, “I believe you”

“Then? What are you so afraid of? You got me Jennie”

Jennie make a noise, “Do you always being this kind to every of your patient?”

“What? Jennie, I never let they call me by my name, for your information”

“Oh, then I guess, I am special”

Jennie smiles brilliantly, and as it was contagious, I replied her smile. “Yes, you are special to me”

Tightening my hold on her hands, I repeat, “You are special to me Jennie”

Jennie smiles softly at me, “Thank you Chaeyoung”

I know that I shouldn’t fall for my patient, especially Kim Jennie but right there, I have lost my patience.

Because Jennie is so beautiful, uttering her thanks toward me made me fluttered.

“I like you Jennie”

 

 

 

I was right, I should not confess, I should wait or don’t confess at all. Because, Jennie has skipped our session two times.

I was freaking scared about her well-being, but I didn’t know, should or not I call her. At the end, I didn’t call.

I wait for her for another week, on Monday, at 2 on the dot. Still there’s no Jennie.

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

I bite my nails, out of habit, I was anxious about Jennie. At 2.45, I heard my door clicking open, there she is.

Jennie make it to our session, but her hair is down, and she’s not wearing her white dress like usual but a pair of soft blue attire.

That time I knew, Jennie is not only my patient but she was actually a patient. Jennie has cancer.

 

 

 

 

“Please Chaeyoung, save my baby”, her last words to me. She was begging for me to help her baby while me, myself cannot afford to lose her.

“But, I cannot lose you Jennie. I can’t live without you”

I hold Jennie’s right hand tightly. With those pale lips, Jennie gives a smile.

“You can Chaeyoung, just how you live without me before you met me”

“No Jennie, I can’t lose you. I have lost both of my parents and I cannot lose you too”

Jennie tugs our intertwined hand, her eyes is begging for me to climb up beside her. I climb up the hospital’s bed. After suiting myself beside her, I kiss her forehead.

“I like you Jennie”

“I know”

I hug Jennie tightly on my chest as in she would run away, if I loosen my hold on her.

“Chaeyoung”

“Ermm”

“Kiss me”

We kissed. I can’t describe the feeling of the kiss because I was so overwhelmed about Jennie’s lips on me. Soft, delicate and moving in sync with me.

Salts… tears rolled down on my lips. Our intertwined lips.

 

 

Jennie shouldn’t give a birth because of her condition, but she wanted to. She once said to me,

“I wanted to give a birth for this baby, she should see this world”

“But, you could die Jennie”, I was close to break down in front her.

“I know.”

“Why Jennie?”

“Because this is the last thing I could do for breaking my fiancé’s heart… and for cannot reciprocate your feeling”

 

At the end, I save her baby and Jennie… She couldn’t make it. Just how I couldn’t confess to her that I… I love you Jennie.

 

 

Present time,

 

“I love you grand”

“I love you too, sweetie”

A soft tug at the end of my cloth breaking away our crying session.

“Momma, w-why are you crying?”, those little voice of her twitching my chest.

I swipe away my tears, squatting down at the little’s height,

“Momma didn’t cry baby. Momma is strong”, patting the little child’s head.

She stares at me with her big cat-eyes eyes. I love those eyes.

“Please momma, don’t cry”, she pats my cheeks with those little hands of hers.

“No, momma doesn’t cry. See, momma is laughing”

I lift her over my shoulder, swirling around with her geeky laughs. It made my day.

Even though I lost you, but you have given me the best gift ever Jennie.

 

I love you, Jennie