Diary Entry 25.
Chasing the Wind
I am scared. I am scared to feel. I am scared to get attached to someone again. I am scared of losing control again. I am scared of being betrayed and disappointed again. I am scared of opening up to people again. Sure I can put up a fake front, I can socialise with people, I can play nice. But I cannot trust people anymore. I cannot show any weakness anymore. I cannot afford the luxury of opening up to people anymore.
More than anything, because of you I am more insecure than ever. I distance myself further and further away from those who care about me. I distance myself further and further away from that fantasy of finding someone. I chant to myself every waking hour that it is better off to be alone, that love is useless, that no one will ever love me anyways. Like a mantra, these thoughts perpetually march through my mind day in and day out, chaining me down, as I deceive myself into believe that it will protect me from further damage.
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