Diary Entry 8.
Chasing the Wind
But I felt it creeping inside of me, the wish, the desire to hold onto you, to taste romance, to taste love, to understand what having someone like that felt like, to experience the feeling of reciprocity. But I knew I couldn’t, I knew I shouldn’t.
I am such a hypocrite. A huge hypocrite. And yet I wanted love. I wanted to be loved. I wanted your love. I wanted you to accept me, the whole me. I wanted you to accept who I am, to accept me for who I am.
I was starting to feel more. But did I want that? Wasn’t it better before? Before meeting you I felt nothing, cared for nothing. And yet here I am, hoping that this is all a nightmare, that I have not lost you. But were you ever mine? What am I doing? What am I thinking? This isn’t me. This can’t be me. This shouldn’t be me. I need to be rational. I need to be logical. I need to be grounded. I cannot take risks. I cannot believe in fate and destiny.
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