Seoul University —— 2020

Since that day, there was a change in Taeyong and Haeun. 

It wasn’t exactly like how it used to be, but it was better. 

When they’d see each other on campus or in class smiles and greetings would be exchanged with more kindness and familiarity that they lacked before. Taeyong would pass by with a small flicker of hope that he was making it up to her. Haeun would walk away from each interaction with a combination of giddiness and emptiness when she dealt with having to let Taeyong walk away with half of her heart. 

It was hard not to feel broken, even when he smiled at her or called her name. She was at constant war with the greed to want more and the satisfaction that she was getting more than she did before. 

But Taeyong was battling a different set of emotions. 

He still worried about her feelings, it seemed that they had silently agreed not to address the fight but he knew that it changed her. He could see her holding back when she was around him. They were close but there was still that lingering distance that she didn't show Jaehyun or Mark. It was a start but there was an itch inside of him that craved to be on the same level as her. To be someone that she ran to with a huge smile and an exciting story that she just had to tell him. He knew it wasn't fair to be that gluttonous over something he had pushed away. 

“Haeun?”

She flinched and gasped before turning to look at him. They were standing in a row of the university’s library when he had found her. He was there with some of the guys to get some studying done when he had decided to browse the shelves only to find Haeun with her arms full. The sight described her pretty well, a small ball of energy with an overflowing need to know more, do more, be more. That obvious passion left him a little breathless. 

“Are you taking out the entire library?” He asked incredulously. 

She laughed embarrassingly, “Yeah, I wanted to do some reading between classes.”

Her cheeks warmed and his breath caught as she tried to use her shoulder to push her hair out of her face. Without thinking, he reached out and brushed her hair, tucking it behind her ear. 

Haeun’s eyes widened and she looked up at him. He quickly moved his hand away and cleared his throat, “Uh, do you need help carrying the books or anything?”

“Oh! Actually yes. I’m looking for Hidden Histories of the Joseon Dynasty. It’s on the top shelf, but I can’t reach it.” She asked. 

He followed her gaze and reached up to pull the book out before reading the title, “You like this era?”

“So much.” She said as they moved to the check out counter, “Most of history is what we learn in textbooks about how they ruled or the political warfare, but I love reading about the parts that you have to dig to find out. There’s just so much about the past that you won’t know about unless you look for it.”

“That’s actually the reason I took the course.” He said as he followed her, “History involves real people and real people aren’t neat and focused. It's messy. Chemistry and math aren't messy, there's just a single right answer and a single right way to look at stuff.” 

“Oh exactly, I love hearing about how human it is.” She said, excited. “What made you pick a Chemistry major?”

“Nothing sentimental. I was good at it in high school, I enjoy it and the challenge. So here I am.” He said.

She looked at him, “What if you had to be sentimental about it?”

He laughed, “Well, chemistry makes up everything around us. I like understanding that. Understanding how things react and interact fascinates me, I guess.”

She hummed, “The sentimental version is so much nicer, don’t you think?”

Taeyong grinned back, lingering around her while she checked out her books before realizing that he was trailing behind her without a purpose. Why on earth was he following her around? 

“I—“

“Taeyong!” 

Both of them looked over to Doyoung, Johnny,  and Haechan who were walking towards them, “We were looking for you everywhere. We were wondering where you got off to but clearly you got distracted.”

Haeun’s eyes widened and she quickly gathered all her books and tucked her wallet away before smiling stiffly at the group, “I’ll see you guys around.”

Taeyong blinked at the complete change in her tone, “Haeu—“

“Are you sure you don’t want to want to hang out and study together?” Haechan asked,  wiggling his brows. 

She just glanced at Taeyong before shooting them a watery smile, she never wanted to be the person that was invited just because she was there. She didn't want to suffocate him and force her way into his life. She wanted him to let her in because he wanted to, “Maybe next time. I have a laundry list of errands I need to get done.”

“Are you sure?” Taeyong asked with knit brows.

She nodded and adjusted her bag over her shoulder. “Another time.”

Haeun waved before running out of the library.

Johnny tilted his head and pursed his lips, “Wonder what that was about. She's usually always up to study with us.”

Taeyong furrowed his brows before looking off to where Haeun had disappeared to. He had thought that after the soccer game, things were looking better. They were chatting and interacting but the sarcasm and humor that slipped through on the soccer field weren’t as prominent now. 

She was holding back.

And literally running away from him.

Honestly speaking, it made sense, he hadn't really made an effort to make it up to her. He'd just been friendlier. 

He needed to do more.

-----

Haeun instantly regretted running away. She should’ve stayed and studied with them in an attempt to grow closer to Taeyong but she had panicked last minute.

She was getting trapped inside her head. She didn’t want him to think that she was forcing her way into his life. It was a constant battle to find the balance of too much and not enough. Ever since that night, it had been harder to follow her instincts.

So to give her brain a break, she ran through her chores before ending at a grocery shop with Mark speaking to her through her earphones. 

“Get some eggs too. I finished the last one today.”

She rolled her eyes and picked up a carton, “I swear you’d rather starve to death than go food shopping with me. We're supposed to be splitting chores.” 

“Listen, I always pay you back and you’re so good at getting the good stuff.”

She hummed disbelievingly before continuing to add things to her cart. She could hear Mark’s fingers flying over his keyboard, “How’re things with Taeyong?”

“Don’t ask.” She mumbled.

“What happened? You guys were getting along so well when we played soccer.”

She turned down an aisle and slowed her pace, “I am incapable of flirting with him. I just freak out and run away.”

“What the hell?” He snorted, “You used to jump him whenever you could.”

She twisted her face, “Shut up, I was never that bad. But ever since that party and his apology, I can’t stop being self-conscious. I don't want him to feel weirded out whenever I try flirting or getting closer to him. Now that he knows I like him, he's going to read into everything I do or say, I know it.”

“Wait, what happened with his apology?” He asked. "What do you mean he knows you like him?"

She winced, “I told him I thought he was cute and wanted to get to know him because I might have feelings for him.”

“Holy hell, you're not really playing hard to get, huh? So what? You’re worried that now he knows it that he'll think everything you do is because you're madly in love with him? Newsflash, you are madly in love with him.”

She huffed, “I keep thinking too hard about every interaction. I just don’t want to do anything to make Taeyong uncomfortable. You’d think after loving him for so many lifetimes, I’d be better at winning him over. Is this how guys feel when they try to hit on girls? It's the worst.”

He snorted, “No, guys usually don’t think this much about the girl’s comfort. Also, most guys aren’t chasing after their soulmates.”

She hung her head and dragged her feet, “This entire thing is a disaste—“

Haeun jolted up when her cart bumped into someone, “Oh, I’m sor—hey.”

Taeyong stared back at her, his fingers curled around a shopping basket filled with produce. His eyes darted across her face and she realized that he wasn’t as surprised bumping into her as she was. 

Which meant he must of seen her before she saw him. 

How much of her phone call did he hear?

“Everything okay?” Mark asked.

She grabbed her phone, “I’ll call you back.”

She tried to make up a smile, “Wow, twice in one day.”

He just kept staring. 

“Stocking up for the weekend?” She tried. 

He nodded slowly but was still silent. She shifted awkwardly before trying to nudge past him, “Well, I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

She was almost at the end of the aisle when he turned and called out her name.

“You're not making me uncomfortable, you know. I want to be friends.” 

Her eyes were comically large and he'd smile if he wasn't a nervous wreck himself, "What?"

"I don't know if you were talking about me, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but if you were, just be yourself, Haeun. I'm an overthinker too and it . Let's just be ourselves. I'm starting to get the idea that you're very hard to dislike."

-----

Once she got home and put away the groceries, avoiding a curious Mark, she settled in her bed, comfortable and cozy, and pulled out her laptop. Most students her age would be excited to do. Internships, grad school, study abroad, everything that you plan for after you graduate.

But it made Haeun anxious.

Applications had deadlines and time was running before she decided what she was going to do. But it was hard to make any decision without knowing anything about where she stood with Taeyong. 

Should she apply for schools out of the city? Or work-study opportunities out of the country? 

Would it break her heart if he’s on the other side of the globe?

It would mean having him out of her life for who knows how long, if she wasn’t able to win him over by the time they graduated. What if she ended up in Seoul and he went overseas? What if she left and he stayed? 

But she knew that this was a decision bigger than her and Taeyong, even if it hurt her. She always put her own dreams first, in every version of their lives. And he always supported her no matter what.

Taking a deep breath, she began applying for programs and positions that would take her far from Seoul and potentially far from Taeyong. Fate would bring them together even if they were miles apart, it had to, even if it was failing her now.

He wanted to be friends. 

He wanted her to be herself.

He thought she was likable. 

And he definitely heard her say that she had loved him for many lifetimes. 

Ugh this made her brain hurt.

She closed her laptop after a few hours of working and flopped down on her bed. 

it. 

She’d take his advice. 

No more overthinking, no more running away, she was just burning herself out. 

If she wanted him to fall for her, she’d have to be herself, it worked before.

Win or lose, as long as she had he