I had been studying for two hours straight. Catching up was a lot harder than just maintaining. Also, how had I ever studied for this long? I yawned.

Taro Boba Tea and Skittles. I needed my study boost. I pushed away from my desk and went to my car.

At K-mart, I got the largest-sized soda possible and a bag of Skittles. Jieun was there reading a magazine and sipping on her own soda. She looked up when I approached.

"Well, there she is in all her multimillion-dollar glory. How do you like your odds now?"

"I definitely defied the odds," I said.

"And you didn't even have to get struck by lightning first."

"True." I put my soda on the counter and pulled out my money.

"You've learned that dreaming big works."

"Yes. Dream big."

"You haven't come in since you won."

"I've been busy, I guess."

"Busy spending money." She took in my outfit, my hair, and her eyebrows rose. Then she shifted in her seat and pulled something out of her pocket, a small card of sorts. "I've been waiting for you since the day I saw you on the news." She handed it to me.

"What is this?"

"My address."

"Okay . . ." An address written in perfect block letters filled the card.

"I just feel like you wouldn't have bought that ticket if not for me."

My mouth dropped open and I quickly shut it.

"So if you felt the need to thank me in any way, that's for you."

"Oh." I wasn't sure what to say. She was right, I wouldn't have bought the ticket if not for her. Should I have felt obligated or indebted to her in some way?

"Think about it," she said, and rang up my purchases. I handed her a five and she gave me back my change.

I walked out of the store numb. What should I do? Jieun was obviously not the owner of the store. The owner of the store had received a nice payout from my lottery win. But the clerk who talked me in to buying the ticket had received nothing. But what was I supposed to give her?

☘ 𝔏𝔬𝔱𝔱𝔬 𝔏𝔬𝔳𝔢 ☘

An hour later, as I tried to study, my mind wouldn't leave the questions alone. I had no idea what to do. I thought about asking my mom for advice, but I was worried it would make her angry. But maybe there was someone else I could talk it through with.

I stood and made my way to Sangmoon's door. I knocked lightly. There was no answer.

"Eomma!" I shouted. "Is Sangmoon home?"

From the living room she called back, "I think so."

I pursed my lips and opened his door. His room was nearly packed. Stacks of boxes lined his bed, but he wasn't anywhere. I sent him a text: Where are you?

A buzz sounded in the darkness and I looked over to his nightstand where I saw his phone lit up. I sighed, then walked over to it and picked it up. The screen was locked. I set it back down and opened his nightstand, looking for a piece of paper or something I could leave him a note on.

I took out the first scrap I saw and a small piece of paper fluttered to the floor. I picked it up. It was a parking receipt for Pusan Casino dated last Sunday at 3:06 a.m. Sangmoon had been at a casino at three o'clock in the morning?

I dropped the receipt back into his drawer. he didn't get to trade sleeping all day for gambling. Anger cursed through my chest. I did not give him money for this.

I scribbled a note on the paper: We need to talk. Find me when you get home.

Back in my room, I lay on my bed steaming. I tried to calm myself with thoughts. Like, maybe this was his one and only time at the casino.

Or maybe that's where he'd been all this week. I hadn't seen him much. I sat up with a frustrated growl.

The penny Jimin had found at the zoo and gifted to me sat on my desk. I picked it up and turned it over in my hand. Then before I thought too hard about it, I retrieved my phone from my pocket and sent off a text.

Tell me something happy.

Jimin's reply came quickly. The square root of 144 is 12.

How is that happy?

Facts make you happy. And numbers. You like numbers.

I smiled. You're right. My mood was already brighter.

What's wrong?

Ah. If I demanded someone to cheer me up, they were going to want to know why.

Kind of a crappy day.

Tell me.

My brother is . . . I stopped writing. How did I explain this all in text?

My phone rang and I practically jumped out of my chair. But then I saw the name. Jimin was calling me. We didn't call each other. but I was very willing for this to change. I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Suzy. Did you know you could actually talk to people on the phone?"

"Weird."

"Right? How come we've never done this before?"

"I don't know. The same reason we never see each other outside the zoo maybe?"

"That's true. Am I interrupting your studying?"

I look over at my books on the desk, my watery soda next to them, condensation clinging to the cup. "No, actually."

"What's wrong?"

"Maybe nothing." My brother was allowed to have a fun night out. But how many fun nights out had he had? "Maybe everything."

Jimin laughed, his warm, contagious laugh that allowed me to conjure up the perfect image of his face-dark eyes, full lips, hair swept. "Those are two very different options."

"I know. I guess I just mean that maybe I'm overreacting."

"I'm listening."

Those words made my insides warm. He was listening and I needed it. "I think my brother was depressed for a while." That was obvious from how he'd reacted when he had to postpone school because he couldn't afford the tuition. He'd drawn inward, shut down, became a hollow version of himself.

"That ."

"And he seems better right now, but I'm worried he's making choices that might lead him straight back into his spiral."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"He gets defensive. But I need to try."

"I'm sorry that you're worried about him."

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because it's making you unhappy."

"I'm happy now. I was reminded that the square root of one hundred forty four is twelve and all my problems became so much less important."

"So true."

"How have you been?" I asked, shifting my position on my bed. "Anything new going on with you?"

"Nothing at all. You'd think now that I wasn't grounded anymore that my life would be full of nonstop excitement, but everyone is already fixated on graduating and just going through the steps."

"Are you not fixated on graduating? It's what we've spent the last nearly thirteen years waiting for."

He made a hmm sound. "I guess I should jump on board."

I wondered if Jimin wasn't so fixated because he wasn't sure what came next. "Yes, you should or the train will leave without you."

"Okay, teach me how to be focused?"

I flipped onto my stomach and ran my hand over my comforter. "No need to mock me," I said. "I get it. I'm to focused."

"What? No, I wasn't mocking you at all. I really want to know how to channel focus."

"I will teach you how to be fixated on a goal if you teach me how to let things go more often."

He laughed. "You want to know how to relax?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay. First you. What kinds of things should I be focusing on right now?"

"Right now? With two months left of school, you should be checking the mail every day for college letters, making sure you know all your assignments in each class from now until graduation day, and be completing each one of those assignments in record time."

"Are these all the things you do?"

"Yes. I'm an expert in each one."

"Okay, so the first. How many college letters do you have?"

"All but Busan Uni. and Seoul Uni."

"And those are your favorite?"

"Well, Busan is. Seoul is my . . ."

"Your what?" he asked.

I ran my hand along a crease in my comforter. "It's Jisoo's favorite and maybe the school I never thought I could go to, so I never thought about it but now I'm . . . thinking about it more."

"Fair enough. Thinking is good."

"It's the overthinking that gets me every time. Which is why you need to teach me your relaxing ways."

"First we have to finished your instructions. So item two on your list I'm sure you have down. You know every single assignment from now until graduation."

"Of course."

"What if a teacher throws a surprise assignment in there? Something you didn't plan for?"

"That's why studying is so important. It helps with all the possibilities."

"And number three? Are you done with all your assignments for the day?"

I looked at me desk. "No. But I will be."

"That sounds exhausting just thinking about it."

I smiled. "Okay, Mr. Laid-back. What do I have to do to be more relaxed?"

"That's the beauty of it, nothing at all."

"Nothing?"

"Well, you can lie down."

"I already am."

"Good. But don't lie down and let your mind replay every unsolved problem in your life. You need to empty your mind, and relax each muscle group until you feel like you are going to melt into the floor. Then you just let it all go. All the expectations, all the unneeded worry, all the things other people want fo you but you don't want for yourself."

I took several deep breaths. "Is this how you figured out you didn't want to go to college? What would you do instead, if you don't go?"

"I don't know. Work. Figure out what I want in life."

"I thought you knew what you wanted! To be the next big filmmaker in Hollywood."

He sighed. "If only it were that easy. Do you know how hard it is to break into that industry? Nearly impossible. And even more so as an Asian."

"And you're going to back down from that challenge?"

"I don't want to," he said quietly. "But sometimes . . ."

"Sometimes what?"

"Sometimes regardless of what we want, reality takes over."

"I want to read your screenplays."

"Maybe. Soon. I'm working on one right now, in fact."

"Oh yeah? What's it about?"

"I'm not going to give it away. You'll have to wait."

I rolled onto my back again and stared up at the ceiling. "Have I ever told you that patience is not my strong suit?"

"I would disagree with that. You're the girl who helps kids feed goats for two hours straight and mucks spots and helps a really difficult guy with his hard math problems. I'd say patience is definitely one of your virtues."

I didn't know how to respond to that. "Well, you're patient, too. You climb trees and stare at the scenery for hours."

"I never claimed I wasn't patient. I am the king of patience. I have so much patience that I can wait months for something I really want."

"What do you really want?" I don't know why I asked it and I don't know what I expected him to say. That he really wanted me?

But he didn't say that, of course; he said, "I want one of those lemonade slushies."

"Don't we all?"

He laughed and I closed my eyes and listened to that laugh, warm and familiar.

I wasn't sure how long we talked after that, but it was nice. It reminded me of being at the zoo where I felt like I was in my old life, the one where relationships were easy and every other sentence wasn't about my money. It felt real.