“This one?” Yun picked up a shiny pink backpack with a cartoonish looking kitten on it. “Really? That one?” Minghao scowled a little at the garish design. “What’s wrong with that one?” Mingyu laughed from the other end of the aisle. “You aren’t projecting your own outdated gender norms onto your son are you?” Minghao shook his head. “It’s just ugly, that’s all, I don’t care if it’s pink or has kittens.” “Then let him choose what he wants.”

Minghao watched Mingyu, one of Seoul’s most popular up and coming fashion designers, casually browse a rack of cheap PVC raincoats. “Does he really need all of this stuff?” “Yes.” Minghao was steadfast. “There’s a whole list Soonyoung emailed to me.” Minghao held Yun’s hand tightly while his other clutched his phone with the list. 

“Spare clothes, rain wear, lunchbox, water bottle, nap mat, towel and facecloth…” he read them all out and sighed at the dent it was going to make in his wallet. He wasn’t sure if he could even afford all this stuff. He dropped the backpack into the cart and lifted Yun to sit in the front as he tried again to avoid his wildly swinging feet.

“Do you need me to lend you money?” Mingyu appeared beside him with a sky blue towel and face washer set. “No way,” Minghao shook his head as he pushed the cart along the aisle. His pride would always win out. He’d been doing everything for Yun since just after his first birthday. Everything. She’d sent one meagre cheque six months after she left, then the cat for his second birthday, then nothing. Nothing in almost two years. 

It didn’t matter. They had each other and Minghao was determined to provide everything Yun needed.

“I’m buying this though. You can’t refuse a gift.” Mingyu held tight to the yellow raincoat and white gumboots covered in yellow ducks. “I can,” Minghao tried to reach for it but Mingyu used his superior size to his advantage and dangled it high in the air. “It’s not your gift. Yun, you want Uncle to buy this for you?” he waved it around and Yun nodded and smiled. “Fine,” Minghao said with a pout. “You’re making such a scene….”

“Do you have things, you know…’ Mingyu asked quietly as they walked towards the checkout. “Yes,” Minghao snapped quickly but he knew what Mingyu was talking about. He’d been living in the same few pairs of paint-splattered overalls and Timberlands for the last three years and it had never been an issue. He had a few things that were still decent, a pair of black skinny jeans that were a little faded, a few plain white button up shirts that would be okay. 

It couldn’t be helped. He only had enough money for the things on the list and would have to wait until he got paid to get himself a few new things to wear to work. “Let’s go past my office on the way home,” Mingyu said and Minghao shook his head but Mingyu was driving and took them there anyway.

“I really appreciate it,” Minghao said quietly as he picked at a single French fry. Yun had long abandoned his nuggets to play in the McDonalds playground and, even though he was usually grossed out by the thought, today Minghao couldn’t be bothered arguing. “No problems!” Mingyu snatched a French fry and dipped it into his ice cream before munching away happily. “What good is it being friends with a designer if you can’t get some free clothes every now and then.” 

Minghao stared blankly into his meal. He knew they weren’t really free. They’d cost Mingyu time, materials and wages, but he was grateful. At least he’d be able to fake some confidence when he started his first day. “How do you feel?” Mingyu asked, his natural empathy making him simultaneously the best and most annoying friend Minghao had ever had. Mingyu could see right through his dour mood and wouldn’t let him not talk about it. “I’m okay I guess. The centre seems really good and, god knows, I need to get out of the house…..”

Minghao’s voice trailed off as he got a little sad. “I’ve been his everything for so long. Almost three years. Now he’s going out into the world and I don’t know how to feel about it.” Mingyu reached out and patted the back of his hand. “It’s just an adjustment Hao. You will both get used to it. And, you’re right, you both need to get out. When was the last time you went on a date?”

Minghao shook his head and shrugged. He couldn’t remember. He’d been asked out a few times but women usually ran a mile when they heard the words ‘single father’. Especially at his young age. He’d only been 21 when Yun was born and had struggled through his last year of university with a new baby and a partner barely hanging on. He graduated and a month later she left them. It was as raw and real as if it was just yesterday.

“No one wants to date me. And I’d never let anyone near Yun unless they were something special.” Minghao ate the French fry he’d been toying with for five minutes and took a deep drink from his Sprite. “What about you? You never have dates either!” he kicked out at his friend under the table and Mingyu stole another fry from his tray. “For your information I’m very busy. I also have a date tomorrow night.” 

Minghao couldn’t hide his surprise. Mingyu was very busy but never too busy to help him out and he pushed the guilt down a little deeper and gave his friend a wide smile. “Really? What is she like? One of your models no doubt….” “Actually it’s a he and he’s not a model. He’s an author and we met last week at that event I told you about. Remember, the one held by that magazine, the stupid ’hot 30 under 30’ thing?” Minghao nodded vaguely but in reality he had no idea. He was constantly tired and Mingyu talked a lot so things were bound to slip past him.

“A guy?” he repeated and Mingyu nodded. “Yep, prettier than any model I’ve ever seen, he’s tall and gorgeous and so smart I can almost hear him thinking…” “That doesn’t sound like your type,” Minghao said, more thrown by the fact his friend was dating someone smart rather than someone male. Mingyu had a past history of churning through pretty models and even a B grade actress or two but never really settling down with any of them. “Well my type hasn’t really worked out too well for me in the past has it?” Minghao shook his head in agreement. No one had held his friends interest for more than a few weeks.

A writer, probably intelligent and handsome and well connected, Minghao had to admit he was a little jealous. He’d never pictured Mingyu with a guy though and the idea unsettled him more than he wanted to think about. He wasn’t sure why. He decided quickly that it was just a hint of jealousy, of a new man coming into Mingyu’s life and, probably, becoming more important than him. The thought pained him and he pushed it deep down under the layers of guilt and loneliness and forced himself to smile at his best friend.

“Are okay?” Mingyu began to pack their mess up on the trays as Yun came running towards them from the slide. “Why wouldn’t I be?” Minghao asked a little sharply. He scooped Yun up and didn’t escape those swinging sneakers this time as they pelted his thighs like tiny hammers. “I don’t know. You seem a little weird.” Mingyu diligently packed up every scrap of rubbish and carefully binned it all despite how disgusting the rest of the outdoor eating area was. Minghao found some sanitising wipes and washed Yun’s hands clean. He hated how black and dirty his hands always were after playing in the McDonalds playground. It was so gross.

Minghao snuggled Yun closer to him as he carried him out to the car. How could he explain to his best friend that too much was changing and it made him feel vulnerable in a way he hadn’t for a long time?

Minghao had walls, they were steel and stone and strong, and he was never letting anyone in. He spent way to much time and energy building them up to protect himself, and his son, and he wasn’t going to watch them come crashing down around him.