TW: mention of a stillborn child

My mobile phone was constantly humming the title song of the enchanting Jeannie as the vibrations moved from one side of the table to the other. At the first moment I cursed Sooyoung a teeny bit for it, because it was she who had persuaded me to make that far too cheerful and totally inappropriate ringtone months ago, when my world was still half right. But given the situation I found myself in now, that fact was the least of my problems.

When the initial moment of surprise was over, my mood and my entire emotional world changed from a spring-like breeze to a thunderous summer storm.All my fears and worries came back to me as soon as I had peeled myself out of Sehun's wonderful embrace to reach for my smartphone.  Justified as I thought, because I was right - it was Dad who called me.  And in that tiny moment, while I was reading my dad's name on the display, but that far too cheerful ringtone was still breaking the silence, I was suddenly numb, torn between relief and fear. 

I wondered what would happen if in the end I could not deal with the truth at all. If Mum's assertions were indeed true. Wouldn't it be better to remain ignorant? On the other hand, this very special feeling came back to me, which had crept up on me again and again in the last few days or rather in the last few weeks. This curiosity that wanted to have clarity about everything. Because although the truth could be more painful than a lie, it was always this uncertainty. And yet I was so terribly afraid of the truth that I just couldn't bring myself to take my dad's call.

Sehun, who became more and more restless and jolted me from second to second in which I hesitated and was frozen, at some point even took away my mobile phone to do it in my place. »Hello?«, he almost growled into the phone, while I gasped for breath in shock. »Yes, he's here with me.« he then said more gently, without letting me out of his sight. But his face was so tense that I couldn't even guess what my father was saying to him at the other end. »Don't worry, he's doing as well as can be expected... Yes, my address is... Okay. Yeah, all right. Thank you very much.«

After he hung up, he put my mobile back on the table and sighed. Only now did I dare to expel my pent-up breath. With a heartbeat delayed, I finally asked in a husky voice: »What did he say?«, and cleared my throat. Sehun put one hand on my cheek and gently a strand from my face. »He'll be here in about two minutes.«, he tried to teach me as calming as possible. But I felt as if my heart slipped right into my knees when I heard those words. »Excuse me?«, It came out of me in surprise and partly in horror. 

I mean, so quickly? Good God, how could I possibly prepare myself for that? I would have preferred to flee at once. But Sehun's nodding and his insistent look kept me from doing so. »Yes, your friend has left him some very worried messages.«, he continued. »That's how he knows my address. Pretty stubborn, that one.« »Yes.« I smiled faintly at the thought of Soo - who else could it have been? »She really is.« »But...«, he suddenly changed the subject. »Please remember - no matter what happens, you are no longer alone.« »Thank you.«, I said sincerely and leaned my head into his touch. 

But if I was honest, I would have loved to cower anxiously under the sofa and hide from everything and everyone in this world. Especially from what was coming towards me now. Because my fear still seemed to gnaw at me, threatening to swallow me up and my heart suddenly pounded so hard against my chest that even the blows thundered into my ears. But there was something else roaring too, as I noticed after a while. When I listened more closely, I knew what it was - or rather, who it was. 

Because someone was hammering loudly against the door from outside, and before Sehun, let alone I could even react to it, it was opened so quickly and so forcefully that the door handle made a notch in the nearby wall. »Baekhyun!«, the intruder immediately shouted in panic in his voice. »Where are you? Baekhyun?!« It was Dad who yelled. My dad, who swept through the door like a tornado and looked around stressed until he spotted our shadows and came towards us with a few quick steps. »Oh God.«, he muttered, visibly relieved, and the next moment he had pulled me to him and pressed me to himself. 

It all happened so quickly that I didn't even realise what was happening to me at first. Only after a while did I realise that my father was finally here. That without hesitation he had taken the next plane to be with me and to take me in his arms. How could I have been so foolish as to think he had forgotten me? I trembled like a leaf when I finally buried my face in his chest. As I inhaled his unique scent, which rose to my nose like a mixture of cigars and aftershave. The smell of security that only my dad could give me. He was so different from my mum's - soothing, protective, just fatherly, so that I felt a sharp sting inside, which brought the first tears to my eyes.

»Dad.«, I sobbed with relief because he was here. Relieved because he had not forgotten me. And yet full of fear of what he had to tell me. So I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to delay this moment, trying to stall for as long as possible, because one thing became really clear to me at that moment. A piece of the truth that I had experienced since our holiday. But once he said that bit and said it to my face - that he wasn't really my dad and I wasn't his son - it would have been something final, something irrevocable. Once said, it could not be taken back. 

But everything inside me cried out for it and just wouldn't accept that my dad wasn't my dad. And that this person, who had this very special father scent and who held me so lovingly in his arms, would never be my dad either. This knowledge broke my heart for weeks. But even worse was the idea of being told face to face. Right here, right now, after everything that happened. »Dad...«, I sobbed again, because he hadn't said it yet. Nor was I allowed to give in to the illusion that he was my father. Although I actually knew better.

»Ssshh.«, he tried to calm me down while patting my back and hair again and again as I was shaken by more and more sobs. 

I just couldn't stop it, could no longer hide the pain that I had thought was a weakness all my life. My tears flowed unrestrained, my body trembled mercilessly and I truly swear I have never cried so much in my life as I did at that moment. »Did she do something to you?«, he finally asked me after what seemed like an eternity. Even though he had not told me her name, I knew instantly who he was talking about. So I shook my head as if automatically. 

»Not her.«, I brought out in tears. »I… I slapped her.« »What?!«, In horror, he gasped and shoved me an arm's length away to face me. »And then... then she hit Sehun.«, I continued unhindered as I ran my hand frantically over my eyes. 

When I looked at him again afterwards, I noticed how his mouth remained open in astonishment and how his gaze flitted briefly to Sehun, who remained in the background. »Dad I... please, you have to tell me if...«, I finally pressed out with all my remaining courage. »Am I to blame? Am I to blame for your son's death?« »Excuse me?!« the surprise cried out at him. »How can you think that?« I sobbed again, but this time with liberation. It was like a stone weighing tons that fell from my heart. Because his reaction and the stunned look in his eyes suddenly showed me that he had certainly never reproached me for anything like that. 

That even in his dreams he never thought about it, although Mum did. And maybe he didn't even know that. I shook my head once before I could continue. »Mum, she said it.«, I explained to him, whereupon Dad ran his hair through his head with a dismayed expression. »I can't believe it.«, he murmured. »Baekhyun, don't believe a single word that woman said!« »But what else should I believe?« After all, all these insinuations, all the accusations from my mum already made me doubt myself. »One thing I do know...«, I breathed after several breaths, in which memories kept haunting me over and over again. 

»Since L.A. I know that I'm not...« But it was impossible for me to finish this sentence. Dad's eyes widened in disbelief, but I immediately realised that he knew exactly what I was getting at. »Oh God.«, he lamented after a short silence. »I am so sorry. Baekhyun, please believe me. I didn't mean for you to find out this way.« And even though this apology sounded sincere and honest, it came much too late. »Please.«, I begged emphatically, trying to repress the memories of L.A. and stay strong. »Explain it to me. Tell me the truth. Tell me who I am.« Dad sighed in agony and for a moment gave Sehun a silent look, which also asked him to apologise. 

After all, he had simply invaded his house like a criminal. But at the same time this look was like a silent question between men, which Sehun answered nodding. Only then did Dad gently put one arm over my shoulder and lead me to the sofa, which was not two metres away from us. »I think we'd better sit down...«, he finally began to speak again and explained everything about the past to me.

18 years before

»I'll probably burst in a minute.«, his wife moaned as she clung to the banister, gasping for breath. It took her a lot of effort to climb one step at a time - he could clearly see that. But Seohyun had insisted on walking up and down at least three floors every day for over a week. Why she did this? Baekbeom had not the slightest idea. But if his wife, who was nine months pregnant, said she had to do it, then she did. Full stop. He didn't even dare to question that fact, no matter how ridiculous it seemed to him. 

Because if he was honest with himself, he was simply too scared that even the slightest remark on his part would set off the ticking time bomb that his wife had been since she was pregnant. After all, he had had to witness it a few times before. Just one false blink was enough and th