The failed ostrich tactic

Night of shooting stars
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Regret. That is how simply this short word is therefore said, how insignificant its explanation on paper is. In dictionaries, you will always find the same terms for it: sympathy, compassion or even pitying someone. But what does this simple word mean once you have felt it yourself? As soon as the whole of the life one had led until then was irretrievably destroyed with a single blow, from one second to the next? Yes, I regretted. I regretted being Jisoo's Boyfriend. It hurt me so terribly in my soul to know that everything I had believed to be right was suddenly completely wrong and went the wrong way round. 

 

At first there was only a tiny glimmer of knowledge in me, which I of course immediately tried to banish from my head, to erase it from my consciousness. But the longer I looked into Sehun's dark eyes and could see this slight trace of tenderness and concern in them, the stronger the feelings in me became. The certainty that I could no longer fool Jisoo and that I didn't want it. He deserves more than to love a mask. That he deserved more than my mere loyalty, of which even now, after I had tasted Sehun's lips, nothing was left. No, I wished Jisoo only the best - and I myself was just not good enough for that. 

 

My life was a heap of rubble, the scars in my soul too deep. I realized that I first had to try to clear up this hopeless chaos within me, which had stirred up nothing but shards and dust for years, and that I had to finally come to terms with everything that tormented me and caused uncertainty. After all, this ty life belonged to me alone and I was the sole architect of my own happiness, regardless of what my mother said. Insignificant to what others thought of it. I wanted to be free. Free and happy.

 

But what should I do - now that I became aware of it? How could I realize my dreams without trampling on other people's feelings, as my mum always did? Closing my eyes and going through it just wasn't in it. Not after I had already tried it, let Sehun seduce me and literally jumped into the cold water. Forced to try to forget would never solve the problems. Because when I did, it was usually never for long - no matter how firmly I closed my eyes to reality, the world kept on turning. And Jisoo and all my friends would continue to believe that I was who I seemed. Mum's rejection would also hurt me and my suffering would never end.

 

I sniffed quietly before I realized that countless tears had already collected in my eyes. This feeling of helplessness and the knowledge of not being able to find solutions, mixed with the realization of my regret, was too much for me. I just did not know what to do. How it would go on from now on and above all how I could escape this vicious circle. Because my plan - to be carefree at least for this one weekend - I could now confidently abandon it when I realized that I could not go back. 

 

That this short weekend was certainly not enough and that on Monday, when the seriousness of life would begin again, I could not turn back the clock. After all, it was already too late for that - the thing with Sehun and me had already become too deeply entangled and I wanted to break out of the life with my mother at all costs, even more than before. And I knew that something had to change - forever. I just didn't know how to do it. Sehun, who obviously felt my desperation, strengthened his grip around my arms.

 

»Why can't you? What aren't you allowed to do?«, he repeated questioningly my sentence, which had hovered between us for countless seconds. The water splashed very softly as the first tear came out of my eyes and dripped from my face. I wanted Sehun. I wanted him so much that it closed my throat, but I just could not. At least not yet. Not before I took all the courage to talk to Jisoo about this whole situation. Not until I had confessed to him that I had kissed someone else, and not until I had told him that I was on the verge of falling in love with this other. 

 

Because no matter how insane and completely surreal these feelings seemed, my body sent clear signals that I just couldn't ignore and my heart spoke a language that my head just didn't understand yet. I blinked away the veil of tears a few times and shook my head carefully. »You and I... There's something I need to clear up.« I said, startled at the fragile-rough sound of my own voice. »Are you talking about her.«, he asked, and by the way he emphasized this 'her', I knew immediately who he was talking about - my Girlfriend Jisoo. So I nodded immediately. »Yes, I think it would be best if I told her that...«

 

»When you say what to her?« Sehun suddenly hissed unusually harshly in between. I flinched because I never expected such a dark timbre and the abrupt change of his mood. What was wrong now all of a sudden? »When you beg her that it was a mistake?That you promise her the blue of heaven so that everything will remain as it was? Tze!«, he continued to get upset and left me even more stunned. »What? I... No!«, I objected and now tried once more to free myself from the grip of his hands. What was he thinking then? And why was he suddenly so cold and distant?

 

»Not? What then, huh?«, he said in rage and suddenly released my arms without warning, so that I hit the edge of the pool, causing a greater splash of water against my cheeks. »Now let me finish, damn you.«, I complained and drove through my face with trembling hands. Very great, I thought angrily, i wanted to confess my feelings to someone and then something like that happens! What the hell was his problem? As if I wasn't distraught enough already!

 

»What are you so upset about?«, I wanted to know when I realized what I was thinking. I mean, confessing my feelings? We and especially I had not been that far yet! I saw Sehun's lips open to an answer, but before he said a word, it closed again. When I entered he avoided my gaze. »Can't you speak now?« I asked him cynically, but I didn't really want to sound like it. It was like a malicious reflex and I was simply too agitated inside, I tried to tell myself, for I noticed that his posture suddenly became tense. Something was not right, not at all. Sehun, however, still did not make a sound.

 

»Hey, what's wrong?« I spoke in a more conciliatory tone and gently touched his arm. I tried to ignore the fact that countless electric shocks tickled my fingertips and that goose bumps were again spreading on my skin. »Nothing.«, he lied and looked at my hand, with which I touched him. The goose bumps increased immensely and drove a pleasantly warm feeling into my stomach. »You are cold.« he stated soberly, when he had not missed my goose bumps, which made all the hairs on my arms stand up on end. Suddenly I let go of him again and felt how the warmth spread all the way to my cheeks. Damn it.

 

»No.«, I lied this time and rubbed my skin to hide my goose bumps. Although it wasn't even a lie - I was actually not cold. After all, it was all because of him, but I would do the devil and put it on his nose in the first place. And besides, why did he suddenly change the subject? Sehun, without paying attention to my answer, started moving and more than elegantly lifted himself out of the pool. He shook the dripping water out of his soaking wet clothes which stuck to him like a second skin, thus emphasizing the drawing of fine muscles on his belly to great advantage before he stretched out both arms towards me.

 

»Don't you dare pull me back in.«, he admonished me, while I carefully put my hands in his. »You still owe me an answer.«, I replied after he had kindly helped me out of the water. Sehun nimbly a wet strand of his hair backwards. »What do you want to know?«, he growled and I knew that he already knew that I wouldn't let up. Preferably everything, it crossed my mind,

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Tini_G
I hope you'll learn to love this story as much as I already do and look forward to it.

Take a look at my Twitter account if you want: Tini_G (@_bbhxosh_ )

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360sebaek
#1
Chapter 17: Ohhhh it's happening :)
Hini_G
#2
Chapter 10: Omg I really loved it ! Can't wait for the next chapter
Hini_G
#3
Chapter 7: Omg I'm excited for the next chapter . You did a really nice work ❤️
Triple_G
#4
Chapter 4: Byun Baekhyun: I'm straight


Me : no you're not boy
Hini_G
#5
Chapter 4: Omg I love it baby♥️♥️♥️
Sebaek_writer
#6
Chapter 2: This was really good .... I'm so excited for the next one
Sebaek_writer
#7
Chapter 1: Wow ; I'm excited for the next chapter . It was really well written