Trigger Warning: thoughts about suicide and killing someone, smoking weed

_____

»You can forget that! I won't do that!« I complained to Sehun, who was still sitting comfortably in the grass. As if he didn't care about my protest, he leaned back relaxed and supported himself on his forearms. »I thought you wanted to know what it was like to be free.«, he asked me defiantly while raising an eyebrow. The moon was mysteriously reflected in his dark eyes. Nervously I shifted my weight from one leg to the other.

»Yes.«, I admitted sheepishly. »but I certainly wasn't thinking about... that!«, I deliberately stressed the last word in a reproachful voice and almost shook my head in horror. The Jerk, however, continued to sit there unmoved while he took a strong tug from his joint. In the darkness I could clearly see the glowing end. For several minutes he had been trying to persuade me to do the same and had often offered me the forbidden Joint.

I wanted to be free, of course, but not suddenly act like one of those crashing junkies and possibly end up in a withdrawal clinic after a few weeks - or worse in jail. Sehun next to me suddenly began to laugh out of the blue. It was the most melodic and beautiful sound I have ever heard in my eighteen years of life. For a short moment I was unable to react, could only listen to the sound of his laughter and was completely overwhelmed that Sehun, of all people, was able to do it, until I wondered what was so funny. 

Was I the reason? did that laugh over me? »What's wrong?«, I asked in a slight rage. »Nothing.«, he didn't seem to calm down. »I just thought...« »What?«, I asked, as he made no effort to explain why he was laughing. Sehun held his stomach and took a few deep breaths. »I just thought...«, he started again, after he'd gotten a grip on himself. »I just thought how cute you are when you're so uptight!«

Once again he began to laugh out loud. I, in turn, did not find his statement at all funny. Nevertheless, I could not prevent my heart from starting to beat in a faster beat. »First of all, I'm not uptight.«, I snarled snappishly and was secretly more than grateful to the darkness, as it covered my red glow that lay on my cheek. »And secondly, what's so funny about that, huh?« »Of course you're uptight!«, he continued to tease me.

I imagined I recognized his smug grin on his face, which I would have loved to beat out of his face. Anger shot up inside me like glowing sparks shooting out of flames. I didn't want to let this insinuation rest on me without further ado, so I suddenly snatched his stupid joint from him in a rage - and completely imprudently - and took a strong tug of it myself. I had never smoked in my whole life before - never even thought about trying it!

No wonder the burning smoke in my lungs made me cough. Tears even gathered in my eyes, while for a few seconds I had the feeling of suffocating at any moment. This is what some people actually do voluntarily? it shoot through my head, voluntarily and gladly? And what had just come over me again? It took me a few breaths to get myself together. »Again.«, spurred me on by Sehun, who had silently observed my impetuous reaction. 

»Never!«, I should have fought back and thrown his damn joint in his face. However, completely different words came out of my mouth. »What happens then? Do I become dependent on it?«, I hesitated! »Bull. Certainly not from one.« Sehun explained. Uncertain, I looked at the embers of the rolled paper in my hands. »As with alcohol. A glass of wine doesn't make you an alcoholic, does it?« His words triggered something in me. I thought, for once, he was right. 

Should I really try it? After a short pause, I tightened my shoulders resolutely and dared another pull - but this time more cautiously.  Nevertheless, I could not prevent the smoke from leaving my mouth again, accompanied by coughing noises. I myself was more than speechless because of my behaviour. If someone had told me on the first day of school, when I saw Sehun for the first time, that I was sitting in a meadow with him today and smoking weed, I think I would have laughed like Jisoo used to do. 

I would simply have thought it completely absurd and surreal. A bad joke. But now? Now I actually did it. I wonder if this was really a bad dream. Some delusion on my part? What if...? Even before I could finish my thought, my head suddenly felt strangely heavy, as if a heavy weight was pressing on it, while the rest of my body was in complete weightlessness - or so it seemed to me. I couldn't feel whether I was still holding the joint between my fingers or had already dropped it, nor did I know what I was thinking about. Or why Sehun had burst out into resounding laughter.

I just wanted to rest my head. I don't care where, as long as I was relieved of that burden. While I looked around, I suddenly felt warm. A foreign force gently guided my head in one direction and then bedded it on soft ground. Immediately my eyes closed with pleasure. It was wonderful to lie. It's wonderful to get free of that crushing weight. I breathed in noisily, perceiving Sehun's wonderfully pleasant scent, so that I buried my face further into the soft underground, which alternately rose and fell like a restless wave in the sea.

Mentally I went on a journey with this wave, let myself drift, while Sehun's smell was my faithful companion. I imagined that I was a kitten. A snow-white kitten with a black left front paw and bright green eyes, curled up on the lap of its master. I imagined how velvety sunrays received me and a soft breeze of wind played around my fur. I gave myself completely to the feather-light caresses of my master. 

I could clearly feel the fingertips, while on my real body a welcome goosebump spread over my arms. Was it my imagination or was i really be caressed? I sighed comfortably and in the meantime I imagined the kitten purring. For a long time it was quiet between us. I only enjoyed the continuous touching, which sent a shiver down my spine every time. Everything seemed to be so peaceful and perfect all around and I wished nothing more than to be trapped in this moment forever. 

Suddenly, however, my wishful thinking changed like a backdrop in a theatre. The sun's rays stayed out and gave way to an icy, biting cold. The caressing, which I had enjoyed so much until just now, also stopped. I opened my eyes questioningly, needed a moment to realize when I realized where I was. But... that was impossible, it shot through my head in panic, absolutely impossible! Because I saw myself - like a mute observer from a distance. I saw myself standing in front of an open window and let my gaze wander longingly outside.