9th October 2020- 25th December 2021

Distance of Life
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Often before sleep, Kyungsoo would lie down in bed and imagine Chanyeol lying down there next to him with arms around Kyungsoo’s waist. Kyungsoo would imagine smiling back at Chanyeol on the other side of the bed and running his hands through Chanyeol’s hair.

Kyungsoo imagined a vibrant household filled with the laughter of their children and the love they had for one another.

 

While this was all true and reality once upon a time, none of that existed here.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo went to bed alone every night in a small and cold bed meant for one. He woke up alone to a quiet and empty house devoid of warmth and vibrance.

 

The future he had come from where he was married to Chanyeol and had children was what Kyungsoo could describe the peak of his life. But if Kyungsoo had the power to turn back time, he would have chosen to never know Chanyeol.

Only so he would never know this pain he felt every single day of his life here. Not once had the pain ever lessened or got better. Kyungsoo only found new ways to distract himself from the pain.

 

 

 

When Kyungsoo saw couples holding hands or walking out with their children, he tried to picture that it was him and Chanyeol together. But due to bad experiences, he would get scared, as if someone would be reading his thoughts and severely judge him for fantasizing of such things.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t know where he exactly went wrong but he was convinced that his entire existence here was at fault for his misery and for his failure.

He thought that maybe if he was better looking, smarter, more confident, more outgoing or just simply someone else then maybe Chanyeol would fall in love with him. At the peak of his pain, Kyungsoo just wanted to be anyone else but himself.

 

But Kyungsoo had pride in being himself too and he wasn’t willing to be someone else for the sake of it either.

 

 

Recognizing that he could not have one over the other, Kyungsoo gave up. He was never going to be with Chanyeol outside of his dreams and he learned to accept it, even if he truly wanted it to happen deep down inside.

Some people remained alone for their entire life and Kyungsoo had already accepted that he was going to be one of them. Life was far from fair and bad things happened to good people a lot of times.

 

Kyungsoo knew it wasn’t wise to base his happiness entirely around others but for someone like him who had achieved his true happiness somewhere else in others, it was hard for him to find something else elsewhere.

 

 

While Kyungsoo might have been able to repress his feelings until a point where he almost forgot he had them, he truly never ever stopped loving Chanyeol.

 

 

But even when Chanyeol began to fall for Kyungsoo here, Kyungsoo still had a hard time believing that any of this was real.

There was no way this was real. Good things didn’t happen to him, Kyungsoo was convinced. One day, all of this would be taken from him and he’d be left with nothing all over again.

 

 

**

 

 

It was a strange feeling at first for Kyungsoo when he didn’t have to be alone anymore. He didn’t ever think that he’d stop being alone. Because eventually, he was spending almost all of his spare time with Chanyeol.

 

Chanyeol asked to eat together, asked to hang out and wanted to bring Kyungsoo to nice places. Chanyeol wanted to hold hands, wanted to hug and wanted to just be around Kyungsoo. He even willingly offered to drive Kyungsoo to doctor’s appointments and back and forth from home to university almost every day.

Somehow, Kyungsoo was finding himself in all these situations that he only used to be able to imagine.

Kyungsoo didn’t really understand why Chanyeol wanted to do all of this for him just for the sake of spending time together. Kyungsoo didn’t think that Chanyeol even liked him that much.

 

 

But the thing that felt most strange to Kyungsoo was that Chanyeol was the one initiating all of these. It was no longer Kyungsoo doing all the chasing and hoping Chanyeol would fall for him. It was Chanyeol who was putting all that effort now.

It was certainly a better feeling even if strange.

 

 

 

In the winter after his heart attack, Kyungsoo managed to get into an argument with another doctorate student in his faculty who was suspected of stealing other student’s research, Kyungsoo’s own included.

Kyungsoo was embroiled into a shouting match with the said student in their office. It was Chanyeol who restrained Kyungsoo and calmed him down, rubbed his back and reminding him to take deep breaths because it was risky for him to get so angry due to his health condition.

 

Not used to being so angry, Kyungsoo later broke down in tears outside in the hallway. Kyungsoo thought that his tears would be seen as a sign of his weakness but Chanyeol didn’t see it that way.

Chanyeol stayed beside Kyungsoo, offered him tissue papers and a cup of water before looking up funny videos on his phone to show to Kyungsoo to make him feel better before supporting his next course of action. 

Kyungsoo laughed amidst the tears and he felt comfortable even in such a time. It was nice to feel taken care of even if Kyungsoo convinced himself that this did not really mean that there was anything between himself and Chanyeol.

 

 

Chanyeol was just being his usual nice self. He was like this to everyone too, Kyungsoo believed. Kyungsoo didn’t think he was anything special in Chanyeol’s life.

Kyungsoo might have even convinced himself that if it were not due to grief and loneliness, he would probably never have even ended up married to Chanyeol as Kyungsoo A.

Maybe, they weren’t truly compatible with each other. Kyungsoo A was lucky but Kyungsoo B was not.

 

 

**

 

 

In the short break Chanyeol and Kyungsoo had before the spring semester began in March 2021, Chanyeol decided he wanted to stay over at Kyungsoo’s place.

Kyungsoo wanted to refuse Chanyeol and give excuses because he was more comfortable being alone but he ended up saying yes and letting Chanyeol stay over for that one week in late February.

 

It was almost a year since the death of Kyungsoo’s father in this timeline. It did take Kyungsoo a bit of time to realize that the reason Chanyeol insisting on sleeping over was because he didn’t

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oeschinen
Chapter 14 will be the final chapter!

Comments

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anamikasoo #1
Chapter 14: What a amazing story.. too good.. mind-blowing story. It's sooo beautiful.. thank you author nim for writing this amazing story.
whattalife #2
Chapter 14: Honest opinion, might as well this became a story about kyungsoo having a split personality . It's too tiring. The worst story I ever encountered about ChanSoo
Cutekyunggie-love
#3
Chapter 10: This is a gem ❤❤
anisumairah
#4
Chapter 14: this is so brilliant! 😭😭😭😭😭
uremmanida #5
this... is just AWESOME!!!!!!
esther_noyel #6
Chapter 14: Wowwww ???
Really it's great journey with you
After all the painful lives... Kyungsoo got his original lovable his own life...
Loved it... Thank you for your writings
rafcrymons
#7
Chapter 14: WOW THIS WAS ANAZING OH MY GOD?!!!!?
rafcrymons
#8
Chapter 14: WOW THIS WAS ANAZING OH MY GOD?!!!!?
Reem_mohamed
#9
Chapter 14: I didn't thought that the reason was Jongdae . I guess his l life was the right life not A life ,cause he made it better and didn't regret anything of it .you worked hard for this one author nim * applaud *
exoforever259
#10
Chapter 14: Simply awesome!!!