keshi- i swear i'll never leave again
https://youtu.be/f6jbo0Qudrs

Five hours later, Lisa had not moved from her location on the roof. There was still music coming from downstairs, and the energetic howls and voices of her batchmates just ringing down from every floor. 

Luckily, she had picked the topmost floor early and reserved it for herself when several groups and couples tried to claim what was now her turf. 

For the first time, Lisa shot them a gloomy and dark "Get the out of here." whenever they tried to sneak into her prized spot. It was not just any spot that she was sitting on. 

She was on the roof, and climbed to the back of the small water tower where there was a shed pressing against the perimeter fence on the edge. She won't fall, but god it felt nice to be near some sort of height that could just take her like that. 

With gravity being a complete and the height of the building trying to keep her up there, Lisa said it all to everything. She thanked no one, apologized to no one, and stole a few orange sodas from the table downstairs so she wouldn't to go down and meet more people. 

She saw light. Lots of lights. The school turned into some big club having a rave party for pre teens. It was lame. Especially because she saw some teachers patrolling the area in their neon yellow vests, reprimanding those teens who were either kissing or tackling each other for some reason. 

And at that moment, Lisa felt like taking a photo. 

She'd treasure this picture. The night before 2020, and the people in her school were being too crazed and enthusiastic about it. 

On second thought, nevermind. Because the picture only reminded her how different she was. She didn't feel the same way as those people who had a fun time dressing up and putting glowsticks over their wrists and necks as they danced without a care in front of the DJ, or in the field where they could get caught by teachers. 

And the irony of it was that, she was known for all those things. Lisa was that girl in school who loved to dress up, show the swag or the quirkiness in her outfit and put on something eye catching like makeup. And she was a dancer, a really good one. 

She'd dance with the school's league sometimes, including the best of the best that they have like Jongin and Jimin. Woah, Jongin and Jimin. That rhymed. Jongin and Jimin. Jongin and Jimin. Jongin... 

Screw that bastard. She took a sip from her soda again and let the fizz sit on her tongue because she wanted something to bite or hurt her. 

It was weird because she wasn't even drunk. She shouldn't be. All she drank were a combination of Sprites and orange sodas from the nearby 7 11. If anything, she should be getting energetic to spend all that sugar. 

But here she was again, alone on the roof and protective of her spot overlooking the field and gym. Sipping non alcoholic soda and crushing the empty cans as flat as she could. Pretty lame, if you asked her. She can't get up. 

She doesn't even want to, so she laid her back against the cement behind her and looked straight ahead at those lights she mentioned in her thoughts earlier. She was at a place high enough to overlook a few buildings from the school. She could even see the faint glow of the waves on the coast below the crescent moon. 

" you," she whispered. To no one. Maybe to herself, but the point was that no one was there to say it to. She wasn't even thinking of Jongin when she said that.

"Are you littering?" An all too familiar voice stepped in without her permission. She was almost tempted to yell at the intruder to get the hell out of here so she could be alone. "I've been looking all over the place and called your cell, you know. You can't just ignore me like that and create your own dumpsite here." 

Lisa responded by letting an empty can fall from her grasp and roll down next to Jennie's shoes. She's too lazy to deal with it. "Welcome to the dumpsite then." She replied. "Take a seat, get comfy, don't talk to me." 

Jennie quirked her eyebrows in astonishment at the fun rollercoaster ride Lisa so generously offered. She took the offer and climbed her way up to the special spot the blonde took up. "Why are you doing up here anyways? I thought you hated heights." 

By the sound of her voice, Lisa felt even more drunk. Which was just so weird to think about so she laid down to tell her body not to produce a headache. "Mmm... shut up." She answered and put her hands behind her head. 

Jennie sat quietly next to her, hugging her knees in a small and frail looking embrace. She was so small and the air up here was too cold for her jacket. Lisa's reply didn't do anything to warm her up in any way. 

She sat there and shivered as she looked over the school grounds. 

Lisa peeped an eye open and saw the cold breath escaping her lips. Speaking of lips, Jennie was also them more frequently this time to prevent them from going dry. 

The girl was obviously cold and uncomfortable up here, yet she chose to be. Lisa chuckled. "Use this." She exhaled largely to wiggle the blanket on her tummy off. 

And again, Jennie took the offer. "Thank you." She wrapped the cloth around her figure and relished the warmth of it. It wasn't enough but it was better than nothing. "Are you high?" 

Lisa reacted. "God, Jen, I just drank like four sodas." 

"Four!? What the , Lisa, are you trying to kill yourself?" She broke free from the protection of the woolly blanket and felt for a pulse on the blonde's wrist. "Is your chest okay? How are you feeling? Is it hard to breathe?" 

"Aish!!.." Lisa pulled away and turned her body to the opposite direction. "Leave me alone, I just wanted to drink." 

She wasn't going to lie that she was hurt by the action. She came here for a reason, but Lisa did not acknowledge that. "Sorry... I just wanted to check on you." 

The blonde sighed and opened her eyes from the failed attempt to sleep. She wouldn't say that Jennie's presence was annoying her. Neither her voice. It was confusing to explain but a tiny part of her did feel thankful towards the girl if she was right about the pulse. 

She wouldn't want to die now, if that's what the sodas could cause. "Jennie Kim." Lisa quickly turned her body around once again to show some sort of eagerness after being harsh to her. "You are concerning." 

"Oh, I'm the one concerning?" The brunette baffled. "You're the one who stole more sodas than the average person downstairs and drank them all at once in a secluded dark place just to sit down and spend that sugar." 

Lisa chuckled. When Jennie tried to make sense, it sounded cute. Sometimes, it'd be annoying. But in the end she always loved the feeling that someone did care enough to show her and tell her some things the way Jennie does. "It's concerning that you're so concerned for me." 

That came out wrong. The duo stayed silent when she said that, both having malicious thoughts flooding in and they thought it was enough. So Lisa took it back. "Why aren't you downstairs?" 

Jennie mentally thanked her for the new topic. "It's too noisy." She replied. "Plus there's no food either. I'm suspecting Chaeyoung grabbed it all and made a run for home." 

"She's not anywhere on the grounds?" 

"Haven't seen her since the performance." Jennie laid back against the same wall Lisa was leaning on. 

The friends stayed silent, not knowing exactly what to say to each other. It was ironic because they both had outgoing personalities, Lisa just being a tad secretive but she'd always show up in hang outs and sleepovers. 

Jennie had no idea why this one was different though. Lisa loved dancing. To not join Seulgi and Bambam in the league that presented in front of the school today, it was beyond a mystery for her. Let alone seeing her friend stay so inactive like that after drinking four sodas. 

"Say... Why weren't you on stage?" 

Lisa didn't make eye contact. "I forgot my costume." 

"I thought they kept all your costumes in the practice room." 

Exactly, Lisa thought. That's where she saw one of her team mates, Jongin kissing Jennie. It was intimate, she'd have to admit. But Lisa was never the type who was fond of chick flick movie scenes either. 

Seeing two strangers kissing bothered her. Seeing Jennie kissing someone shut her down for good. It was wrong to feel that way if she was really Jennie's friend to begin with. 

She's supposed to feel happy for her that her first kiss was taken. On a romantic night such as December 31, 2019. Too bad there weren't any fireworks going off in the background when it happened. 

Lisa felt numb now. "Yeah. I just didn't want to get it." 

Jennie chuckled. "So you went here to escape all those paparazzi and teachers?" 

What's so funny, Lisa thought. "I'm not so sure about that. You're paparazzi yourself. Are you trying to conduct an interview with me right now?" 

The brunette was almost caught off guard with the sentence. She took great pride in her work in the school's newspaper, but it didn't mean that she was that nosy around people's businesses. "I don't think it's fair if I interview a drunk person." 

Lisa opened her eyes. "What? I am not drunk!" 

Jennie giggled. 

"I swear, I didn't take any of Chanyeol's smuggled crap downstairs." 

"Oh? So you knew who to get the alcohol from though?" 

Lisa rolled her eyes. 

"You're not a very good liar. It's obvious that you're drunk. You aren't moving. But you must have some freshmint in your pocket because your breath doesn't smell bad." 

At that, Lisa grew concious to draw her hand in and breathe into it before sniffing. She wanted to take in the fact that Jennie complimented her tonight even though she labelled her as a drunk person. "I am not, ing, drunk." 

"And I'm not some nosy paparazzi." Jennie countered. "You should be grateful I didn't bring my camera along with me right now." 

"Your camera and photography skills ." Lisa groaned. "You put me in pain when you try to impress me." 

"See? Drunk!" Jennie cheered. "You're only brutally honest when the alcohol's taking over." 

What's with the observations, Miss Soft Lips Claimed By Jongin, Lisa thought. "Or when I'm lonely." 

She's not drunk though. Not an ounce of alcohol in her system tonight. She's just tired. She felt like dying, and the sodas were her pathetic attempts to revive herself but the body doesn't seem to be accepting that. 

The body is a . It's a flesh prison for my depressed and tired soul, Lisa thought. 

Jennie looked back. The blonde was looking far off the distance at anything over the school. Trees, lit buildings, that huge 20 feet BurgerKing sign, her eyes were constantly moving to change things to focus on. 

There was no permanent thing to look at. Or maybe there was a permanent thing to avoid looking at. 

The brunette scooted closer till their arms brushed, and Lisa did not respond. She thought that maybe her friend would feel less lonely this way if there was physical contact. 

"Excuse me, what are you doing? I am not intimate when I'm drunk." Lisa spoke up defensively when she felt her friend's arm brush over her to share the woolly blanket. 

"I actually believed that you aren't." She leaned her head on the blonde's shoulder and put a slender arm around her waist for support. "I knew you were lonely." 

"Is that why you're here?" Lisa asked. Part of her had her insides fluttering when she heard her say that. "I thought you just wanted to ask more money from me." 

Jennie giggled and carefully arranged the edge of the blanket on her shoulder so that it wouldn't fall. She looked at her in the eye as Lisa continued looking straight ahead. "I just wanted to know how you're doing."

"I'm doing great. I'm not dead yet." She joked. It was an honest joke. 

When Jennie didn't reply, Lisa started digesting what she said. Suddenly she felt shameful for saying it. "Sorry," 

The brunette held her in place in case her friend thought of moving away from her touch. She knew that Lisa needed it. Out of everyone she knew, Lisa needed it the most. But only she knew that. 

"Are you holding something back?" She whispered. 

Lisa almost had an immediate answer for that when she remembered Jongin kissing her. She nodded her head. 

"What is it..." Jennie tried to make it sound as gentle as possible but not affectionate enough to piss Lisa off. She was well aware that the blonde was not used to intimacy. 

Lisa shifted when she felt Jennie's breath kissing her shoulder. "I'm not telling you." She felt the brunette respond by cuddling up some more at the perfect amount to butter her up. "I shouldn't be." 

"But you should be." Jennie pulled away. "Lisa, you can't be doing this to yourself anymore. Give yourself a break. Tell me." 

Oh no, she was insisting. "I can't. It's not something... I just can't, okay? It's not you." 

"What's not me?" Jennie started getting defensive. 

"The problem. It's not you." Lisa replied, feeling the pressure attacking her and fueling her anxiety. "I can't tell you. You don't deserve that from me. I don't deserve that from you." 

Jennie blinked. "But when you talk about 'deserve', you're always putting it like you don't deserve anything anymore." She grew concerned. "Is that why you're hiding?" 

Lisa felt the unpleasant feeling grow. 

"Because you knew I'd be looking for you?" 

Lisa did not answer. She felt the need to pull her friend off her arm and find another hiding spot to lay in until a search party finds her. 

"Lisa, we talked about this..." Jennie did pull away but only enough to push her friend into talking. "You can always tell me. I'm not going anywhere with your secrets." 

"Yeah but this time, I feel like you would." Lisa sat up straight, enough so that her body wasn't lined up with Jennie's. She felt disgusted of herself for falling in love with her friend. 

Jennie was there for support. It was part of the deal that she wouldn't fall in love. 

And now here she was, pushing Jennie away because she's too affected and bitter when Jongin kissed her. 

She wanted to cry. "I'm sorry for everything, Jennie. I didn't mean to do it." 

Jennie herself was confused as all the explanations remained in Lisa's head. The thing with Lisa, is that you have to listen carefully to what she says and even how she acts to understand her. She was special that way because she hid something people never knew about her. 

The desire to stop living and wake up dead. 

Lisa was depressed, and only Jennie knew that. The brunette had searched up characteristics and behaviorial signs of the illness. Frankly enough, Lisa secretly inhibited a lot of those symptoms. 

One of which, was the habitual thinking that she was always the one at fault and saying sorry for things beyond her grasp. 

The heavy breathing suggested that she may also have anxiety, or immense fear of the unknown. Jennie didn't want to be nosy and make sudden conclusions.  But with Lisa, she just couldn't help it when she learned that the blonde attempted to do it at home, only that her dad's gun had nothing loaded in it. 

She could have lost her that time. 

Jennie could have been attending a funeral right now and reciting a eulogy. 

The brunette began to develop the same type of fear Lisa harboured, but with the reason that she might have lost her. Ever since then, she had brainwashed herself into thinking that it was imperative to help her, when all Lisa really wanted to do was let go. 

"Do what? Lisa, you haven't done anything, calm down..." She tried to find the younger one's eyes but they were always avoiding her. "Please?" 

"Oh please, Jennie." The younger shook her off everytime she felt contact on her arm. "It's December 31. Aren't you supposed to be with your boyfriend or something?" 

Jennie's eyes blinked. It only struck her now that she was being pushed away, how tiring it was to sneak out for her friend. Jongin and the others were looking for her, not to mention the infamous and clingy Taehyung who made it harder for her to get through the stairs. 

A lot of people were into Jennie. Jongin was just the lucky one. For Lisa to point that out and push her away in doing so, what was her point? It was like she was mad at her for it. "My... He's just somewhere downstairs. I'm more worried about you." 

"You shouldn't be." Lisa got up. When Jennie said that she was more worried, her insides churned at how too good to be true it sounded. It was a lie. Just something to comfort her for the moment. 

In her mind, if Jennie were to weigh how much she loved Jongin and how much she loved Lisa, the scale would tip down to the male's side. 

"I can still take care of myself, y'know? Don't waste something on me." She grabbed her bag and patted it off of dust. 

The brunette watched, wide eyed with her actions and already missing her touch. "Waste what? I'm not wasting anything. I just wanna be here." 

As usual, Lisa wouldn't make eye contact. This made the older slightly panic at how uncontrollable her friend is sometimes. Lisa's thoughts raced at incredible speed, so it's fast for her to decide to pull the trigger or do something stupid. Jennie was just here to stop that. 

"Yeah, no offense, Jen, but you really at lying and convincing." She bent down to pick up her trash and crushed sodas. 

The brunette watched her, already offended. "I-.. Okay, but I wasn't lying with that one. Honest." She saw her friend zipping her bag up. "Wait, wait, wait." Without thinking, she stepped up to her so they were face to face. 

Lisa saw the shininess of Jennie's makeup and she thought she looked really beautiful. The blush on her cheeks, the gloss on her lips, and her small cute nose that she really wants to press against using her own. 

Jennie was oblivious as to how much Lisa admired her physically. "Are-Are... Are you serious? You're leaving. What are you even trying to say?" 

"It's 2020. I'm saying you should spend it with someone you like." Like those teens kissing on the corridor, she wanted to say. 

"I am? I like you." Jennie spat. 

Lisa felt pathetic when she basically forced her to say it. 

"What's this about? Why are you being defensive? I just wanted to hang." Jennie tried not to sound hurt. 

Before Lisa could answer, she was cut off by the united chants downstairs of the countdown. They were currently half a minute away from 2020, and their loud voices put a lot of pressure on her. 

I'm too bitter sometimes, Lisa thought. "Just wanted to be by myself. Is that so hard to ask?" It came out a little mad than desperate. Lisa had been trying to lower her guard ever since Jennie asked her to. 

It's. Still. Hard. 

"I don't want to be with anyone right now." She let out more gently. "I don't want to rob you of a good New Year's." 

Jennie frowned. "I was just about to before you decided to leave." She glanced to the side where the school was and where the chants were coming from. They were at 10 now, and Jennie's heart couldn't be racing any faster as she counted in her head. 

Lisa stood still and froze on her spot. With Jennie in front of her, still wrapped in her blanket and looking at the distance, she didn't dare to leave if it caused her friend sadness. 

It was clear to her now. Jennie's happiness was the presence of her friend while she counted in her head. Lisa counted the remaining numbers with her. 5...4...3...2... 

And when they reached 1, they closed their eyes to take in their first breath in a new decade. People were yelling and blowing their horns. Jennie had fun watching and listening to them. 

The younger was indifferent to the stimulus now. She opened her eyes again and focused right only on her friend standing a few inches from her. 

"Happy New Years!" They shouted downstairs. 

Did she mention that Jennie was a er for acting? The raven loved watching movies and films and playing roles in drama club. Jennie would always say that being an actor means leaving things behind and becoming someone new. 

Maybe that's why Jennie closed her eyes for longer. To relish in the thought that a new year was upon them and she imagined being a new person. Lisa always admired how easily the older could embrace new things. 

She looked down, like she was looking at herself and compared it to her. Lisa had nothing when beside Jennie. The raven was so perfect on so many levels. 

Lisa had no right to ruin her year with a confession. She stepped back, picked the last can that still had some soda in it, and politely tilted her head down a bit. "Happy 2020, Jennie." She said. 

And walked away.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES

I found this draft a few months ago in 2019. Thought of finishing it now and posting it as a oneshot. 

Writing Lisa this way was fun