TALK
UNTOUCHABLEYerim felt sleepy after dinner. The SAU troop took it as a sign that the party's over.
However, Yerim had a slight tantrum attack and wouldn't allow Seulgi to go home yet. In the end, Sooyoung, Krystal, and Amber decided to wait outside while Seulgi waits for the kid to fall asleep in her arms.
"I'm sorry for bothering you so much tonight," said Joohyun's mom, helping Seulgi tuck Yerim to bed.
"It's alright, Ma'am. I want to spend more time with her too. I don't know when I'll be able to see her again."
The older lady sighed. "It's gonna be hard for us tomorrow to explain why you won't be able to visit here for a while."
"It'll just take a few days. I'm sure she'll forget me eventually." That thought made Seulgi sad. She stood up from the bed. "I guess this is it. Thank you for the nice dinner. Please extend my gratitude to Joohyun as well."
"Uh, Seulgi?"
"Yes?"
"I know you never expect me to say this... but could you please say goodbye to Joohyun too before you go?"
Seulgi didn't know what to react. "M-ma'am..."
"She hasn't been herself since you confirmed that you'd come tonight. I don't know what's up with her."
Seulgi looked down and exhaled.
"Please, Seulgi?"
Seulgi finally nodded.
"Thank you. She's in her room, in her old room. I told her to wait there for me while I you outside. I have a feeling she doesn't want to see you go, like before."
"It's always as equally as hard for me, Ma'am."
Joohyun's mom smiled. "She never let Junmyeon stay in that room. Whenever they visit here, they stay in the guest room instead. I don't know why. But maybe she's trying to preserve some of your memories there."
Seulgi felt her confidence building up a bit with what she heard. Even so, that didn't stop her from feeling nervous. "I should say my goodbyes to her now, ma'am. I don't want to keep the others waiting outside."
The older woman nodded. Seulgi left the room after that.
---
Seulgi has been staring at that familiar door to Joohyun's room for two minutes now, her heart beating louder with each second passing by. She took another deep breath before finally taking the courage to knock three times.
"Come in..." said Joohyun from the inside.
Seulgi's hand trembled on the doorknob. She turned open, stepped inside, and closed it behind her.
Joohyun turned around at the sound. "Mom, did they--oh."
Seulgi slightly smiled after seeing Joohyun's shocked face. She felt sad too. They weren't like this before. Joohyun usually runs towards her in excitement and jumping onto her for a big hug. Not like this.
"Your mom asked me to say goodbye to you..." said Seulgi, trying to look calm as much as she could.
"S-she did?" Joohyun looked more surprised. "I'm sorry. Dunno what's gotten into her."
"Me neither. Wish she could've been like that years ago."
Joohyun folded her arms and looked away, smiling. Seulgi scratched her neck, smiling at their inside joke.
"So, how are you feeling now?" asked Joohyun.
"Better. Thanks for dinner. It was awesome."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by here tonight."
They were both nodding at each other, silence and awkwardness starting to fill the room.
"I... uh... I haven't thanked you yet for what you did, Seulgi. Umm--"
"No need to thank me. It is my duty. I am always happy to help people. You know that, right?"
"Right." Joohyun stared intently at Seulgi, her face unreadable. "Yeah. the same old Seulgi I know."
Seulgi pressed her lips together.
Joohyun looked like a lot is going on her mind. Then she closed the distance between them, reaching out to touch Seulgi's arm.
"Can I?" she asked, motioning her hand.
Seulgi nodded. Joohyun held her arm and slightly squeeze it, a thing that she always does before. Seulgi started wondering now if Joohyun makes this gesture to her husband too.
"I wanted to make sure you're real..." said Joohyun. "It's harder now than the last time I touched it."
"Try running for about ten kilometres while carrying Yerim. I'm sure you'll develop muscles too."
Joohyun eyed Seulgi for a moment and smiled. She let go of Seulgi's arm and stepped back. "I don't know what you did to her, but that kid is so fond of you."
Seulgi smiled. "You have an adorable daughter."
"Thank you. Yeah. She really is."
That reminded Seulgi of something. "Hey. I've been meaning to ask..."
"Hmm?"
"Why did you name her Yerim?"
"Oh. That. Umm." Joohyun looked down and fiddled with her fingers. "Honestly, I don't know why. I guess I fell in love with the name. You were the one who came up with that, right? That was supposedly for our..." she trailed off.
"Right," said Seulgi right away, not wanting Joohyun to finish her sentence. "Don't worry. I think the name suits her well. Thank you. It somehow made me feel special."
"Well, you are always special to me, Seulgi."
Seulgi scoffed inside. She shook her head and shrugged.
"You don't believe me?" asked Joohyun.
"I used to until I found out you were married."
Joohyun took a deep breath in and exhaled. "Seulgi..."
"No need to explain. I understand."
"No. You don't understand..."
"Hyun, please," said Seulgi, looking at Joohyun with sad eyes. "I don't know about you. But this, everything here, it's already hard for me to accept. So, let's just keep it in that way. I don't know if I could take on another blow."
Joohyun's brows furrowed. "Why are you talking like you're the only one in pain here? You don't think this is hard for me?"
"Oh, c'mon. Don't pretend that you're not happy with your life right now."
"You're the one who left me, Seulgi. So, don't talk like you're the only victim here."
That triggered something inside Seulgi. "I left you because you said you liked him. What chance do I stand against that?"
"Well, you had all the chance. You just decided to give up right away."
"Well, it's because I was hurt." Seulgi pointed at herself. "Do you expect me to be happy after you admit that you like him?"
Joohyun bit her lower lip and looked up the ceiling. "Look. If we're going to argue about this, then we shouldn't be talking anymore." She raised her palms and turned away.
But it's too late for Seulgi to turn back now. The fire has already been ignited inside her.
"You know you're the only one that mattered to me. You're my only family. Do you really expect me to stay after what you've admitted?" she said.
Joohyun turned to Seulgi slightly. "Yes..."
Seulgi couldn't react. She saw the seriousness in Joohyun's face.
Joohyun sat on the bed, covering her face with her palms. "It was hard for me to be far away from you for so long. Even so, I've fought for us. Every year is a battle for me. You just didn't realise it because you were too busy. As for me, I tried my best to understand you because that's how much I love you.
"What happened that night--or should I say a few days before that night--that was my moment of weakness," continued Joohyun. "You know what happened to my dad. You know how lonely I was. I needed someone to be there for me. He was there, and you weren't. Could you blame me for liking him?"
Seulgi didn't answer, but her eyes are starting to feel warm now. The pain she felt that night is coming back to her all over again.
"Look. I won't deny that it was my fault. I've hurt you, yes. And I regret it up to this day. You didn't deserve to be hurt like that. But after all that had happened, I just wish you were stronger, Seulgi," said Joohyun, looking at Seulgi, sadness evident all over her face. "Maybe you could've been a little stronger for me too, for us, like what I've done. But no, you just decided to give up like nothing mattered anymore... like I didn't matter at all..."
Seulgi stood on her spot, speechless and guilty. Joohyun is right. She gave up on them right away without a fight. But can anyone blame her? If the only person you have ever loved admitted she's falling for someone else, would you still hold on? Wouldn't letting go of her be the best option?
"Don't you dare talk to me about pain like I've never felt it," said Joohyun, her voice breaking. "You have no idea how much you broke me when I saw in the news that you're enlisted in the new batch of SAU trainees. It felt like you've thrown everything away easily. Seven years down the drain just like that." She inhaled and exhaled first before turning to Seulgi again. "Am I really that easy to let go and forget?"
"No. I did not forget you, Hyun. Not even once."
"Then why did you leave me...? Why...?"
Seulgi couldn't control herself anymore when she saw Joohyun bursting into tears. She finally took control of her limbs, walked over to Joohyun to kneel in front of her.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." Seulgi tried to hold Joohyun's hands, but the latter fought her, pounding her closed fists on Seulgi's chest and shoulders.
"Why did you leave me, Seulgi...? Why did you leave me...?"
Seulgi caged the other woman in her arms. Joohyun's arms were still pounding at her back, but Seulgi stayed still, hugging Joohyun like it's the last time she'll be able to do it.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." Seulgi kept on whispering.
There was one last weak pound on Seulgi's back until Joohyun finally clutched the shirt with her fist. Seulgi felt her shoulders getting wet from Joohyun's tears. She rubbed Joohyun's back to comfort her.
They stayed still hugging each other. Seulgi kept on saying her sorry until Joohyun finally calmed down.
Joohyun slowly pulled back, her eyes puffy. "You know what I realised after our break up? That your love was never mine to keep. I know you loved me truly. But as much as I wanted to keep you beside me, your heart is still sailing away, wanting to save the world. I'm the only one who's holding you back from being SAU, right?"
"Hyun..."
"Maybe things are really meant to be this way for the better. As much as I want us to go back to how we were before, I can't. We can't. You have your obligations. I have a husband and a daughter to take care of now."
Seulgi wiped the tears from Joohyun's eyes with her thumb. "Do you love him?"
"I wouldn't have married him if I don't. Although it's different compared to what I still feel for you, he completes me. And Yerim, she's the best thing that has ever happened in my life."
"That's... comforting to know..." said Seulgi, feeling hurt and happy at the same time. "Knowing what you feel is already enough for me. What matters to me is your happiness. As long as you're happy with your life, I'm at peace."
Joohyun looking at Seulgi. "Can you promise me two things?"
"Anything."
"Could you please stop acting recklessly during operations? You're always giving me a heart attack."
Seulgi chuckled.
"It's not funny, Seulgi." Joohyun looked serious. She ruffled Seulgi's hair affectionately, making Seulgi feel like nothing has changed between them. "Even though we are not together, knowing you're just somewhere around the globe and that there's a chance for us to still meet one day, it puts me at ease. But if you keep being reckless in the field and something happened to you..." she paused, swallowing a lump in , "... an earth without you... that's... that's torture..."
Seulgi saw the sincerity in Joohyun's eyes. She nodded. "Okay. I promise, no more recklessness."
"You've got to keep your word. Otherwise, I'll kill you myself."
"I promise, honey."
Joohyun smiled as she wipes her nose. "I've to admit I missed hearing that."
Seulgi smiled back. "And what's the other one?"
It took Joohyun a few more seconds before she finally said, "Live a life for me, Seulgi."
Seulgi felt something inside her kick in when she remembered what her dad told her before.
'... live a life for me, okay?'
"Seungwan told me a lot of things about you," continued Joohyun, not having an idea what's running on Seulgi's mind. "She said you're working like a robot."
"How should I live my life then, I don't have anyone."
"Exactly. You need to go out. Get new friends. Maybe a new girlfriend."
"Wow. Did you just ask me to find another girlfriend?"
Joohyun sighed. "As much as I don't want the idea of you being in a relationship with another person, I think you need one, Seulgi. You need someone to take care of you."
"I don't know if that's possible right now--"
"I know, but at least try, okay?" asked Joohyun, cupping Seulgi's cheek. "You're not a soldier robot. I missed seeing you alive like before. Your eyes are so empty right now."
"Yeah. Seungwan told me the same thing."
"Promise me, Seulgi."
Seulgi stared at Joohyun's face, memorising every inch of it. She knows it'll be a long time before she can see this woman again. Maybe never again. But right now, all she wanted to do is to savour this moment while it lasts.
"I promise."
"Thank you." Joohyun pulled Seulgi closer and kissed her forehead. After that, she hugged Seulgi to her chest. "Can we stay like this for a few more seconds? I missed you so much."
Seulgi nodded, wrapping her arms around Joohyun's waist. "Me too." She closed her eyes and let go of everything.
She knows it's going to take only a few seconds before it ends. Even so, Seulgi loved the feeling of being lost for a little while in this pure bliss of love and comfort.
Even just for a few seconds, she will cherish this for the rest of her life.
If this moment would mean the end of them, she would love it to end like this. This is a memory worth remembering and looking back to, a memory she can take with her anywhere.
Few more seconds.
Just a few more seconds.
It may not be too much, but it'll be enough.
Seulgi opened her eyes when she heard Joohyun sobbing again. She pulled back.
"Promise me you won't forget me, Seulgi..."
Seulgi melted at that. She held both Joohyun's hands. "I won't... I could never. I'm not sure how long I'll keep on feeling like this but I've come to the realisation that some things aren't really changing, some things are untouchable, like you..."
Joohyun couldn't say a word anymore. Her frame is shaking hard along with her sobs.
Seulgi cupped Joohyun's face to make the woman look at her. "Hey. Remember this: even if I move on with my life, you'll always have a special place here in my heart. You're just here, untouched, unharmed, safe, and sound. And I know that even if I find someone new to love, a part of me will always belong to you."
Joohyun stared at Seulgi adoringly; tears kept on flowing down her face.
"Oh, Hyun." Seulgi hugged Joohyun again. She kissed the other woman's head several times. "In another life... maybe another dimension... if ever we meet again... I swear to you, I will never ever let go of you again..."
"I... I missed you... I've missed you so much..." Joohyun managed to say in between her sobs.
Seulgi knew it is time to let go. Otherwise, she won't be able to hold herself back from kissing Joohyun or taking her away from there. She pulled back.
"I don't know when we'll be able to see each other again. But I hope fate will find a way for us to meet sometime. In the meantime, I wish you a happy life."
Joohyun just nodded, unable to speak anymore.
Seulgi kissed Joohyun in the forehead one last time. After that, she stood to her feet and left the room without looking back. She aimed for the front door and went out immediately, mentally saying goodbye to all her memories there.
Joohyun's mom saw Seulgi went out. She checked Joohyun's room, opening the door slowly. She found her daughter curled up on the bed, crying helplessly, reminding her of how Joohyun was after the breakup.
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