BREAKDOWN
UNTOUCHABLE"I'm curious." Seungwan turned sideways to Joohyun. "Did you even follow her out?"
Joohyun had an expression like she couldn't believe Seungwan is asking her that.
"Of course, I did. I had to put on some clothes first since I just came from the bathroom. But yes, I did follow her out. I looked everywhere but couldn't find her. Tried calling but I couldn't reach her. I even tried calling Sooyoung, but her number is no longer available."
"Okay. That's good to know."
"Come on, Seungwan. You know me better than that."
"I know. It's just that I never got the chance to hear about your breakup in this way. You told me what happened, but you never gave the teeny-tiny details."
Joohyun sighed. "Maybe because I felt ashamed of myself for what I did to her. She didn't deserve to be treated like that."
"Are you saying that you weren't planning on telling her about Junmyeon?" asked Joohyun's mom, inserting herself in the conversation. "Well, in my opinion, she needed to know you're not happy with her anymore."
"Mom, first of all, there's nothing to tell about Junmyeon at that time. He and I were plain friends," said Joohyun. "Second, yes, I was sad because I miss her all the time. But that doesn't mean I'm no longer happy with her. And third, Junmyeon's case has nothing to do with Seulgi and me. He was willing to listen to me, someone whom I can talk to about my grievances. We instantly built this connection because he's dad's intern."
"But you liked him, right?"
"Yes, I won't deny that. But it's not like what I've felt for Seulgi. It's just that I found comfort in him because he's the one who's always there. But I never considered him as someone who'll take Seulgi's place."
"Then what's with the change of heart?" asked Seungwan.
Joohyun contemplated for a moment before saying, "I stayed in the hotel the whole night waiting for Seulgi, hoping to make it up with her. But after seeing the morning AEF news about the new SAU members flying for Brazil, I knew she'd left me for good. I knew she's no longer coming back to me."
---
"I bet our training in Brazil was a perfect distraction for a broken heart, " said Amber. "We're almost died there due to exhaustion. Jeez. I even thought I wouldn't make it out alive."
"Well, the training takes my mind off the pain somehow during the day." Seulgi nodded. "But night times are freaking hard for me."
"Now I know why your eyes were always puffy in the morning," teased Sooyoung. "I'm not sure if you guys recall, but Seulgi was like a crazed Zombie every drill. She was the only one willing to try all the dangerous stuff."
Seulgi chuckled. "I guess I found new strength after the breakup. I wasn't afraid of dying anymore." She looked at the kid who's sleeping in her arms. "No one's gonna cry for me anyway."
"That's not true. I'm sure there are other people out there who care for you," said Krystal. Amber punched her affectionately, but she swayed the hand away. "So, after the two-year training in Brazil, did you hear anything about her?"
"I did. From Sooyoung." Seulgi looked at Sooyoung. "After the training, I was assigned to the Northern Lands while Sooyoung was assigned back here. Didn't know that they still keep in touch."
"We ran into each other, had a quick catch up, and exchanged numbers," said Sooyoung. "Besides, we were good friends. Your breakup doesn't mean that we have to stop talking."
"Is she already married when you met her again?" asked Amber.
"Yup. She just got married at that time to the same guy."
"What! She got married to the same guy?" Krystal's hands reached for her head. She turned to Seulgi. "How did you take that, Cap?"
"I don't know how to take that, honestly." Seulgi smiled. "That night, Sooyoung called me--"
"Radioed, Cap. You don't have a phone," said Sooyoung. "After my coffee catch up with her ex, I told her that night as well about the news."
"Fine. Radioed." Seulgi rolled her eyes. "So, when Sooyoung told me the news, I was like, 'That's fine. She deserves to be happy. I'm glad I made the right decision'. It was easy for me to take the news at first because I was busy with a lot of stuff in AEF. My mind was occupied. I thought the idea would leave me right away. But I was wrong. Boy, it lingered."
"Lingered? You mean like you're back to square one, Cap?" asked Krystal.
"Yeah. Something like that. It was another blow that was hard to take." Seulgi sighed and shook her head. She looked at the kid in her arms and observed every detail of the angel's face.
Sooyoung is right. She looks like her mom.
The shape of her eyes, nose, lips, and even the way she pouts when she's asleep.
Then her mind drifted to the past again, remembering Joohyun's features. Being together for seven years made her memorise Joohyun's different emotions; how her eyes form into crescent moons when she laughs, how her eyebrows furrow when she's mad, how her lips felt like when they kiss, how her face looks like when they're just inches apart from each other.
She remembered how it felt when she could freely touch Joohyun anywhere she wanted and how Joohyun said her name whenever they made love. Those exclusive things that she and Joohyun only know.
But those aren't exclusive anymore.
The kid she's holding now is proof that another person had claimed Joohyun the way she had claimed the woman before.
The idea that Joohyun is enjoying the company of another person as much as she did with Seulgi before still hurts.
Whatever memory she has of Joohyun now, that's all part of the past. A past that's not going to happen again. A past that Joohyun might've already forgotten.
Seulgi hated herself for still feeling that way, for still remembering everything like it was just yesterday.
She hated herself for still hoping that somehow everything will go back like it used to be before.
She hated herself because even after all that had happened, she knows deep inside she's still willing to take Joohyun back, whatever the consequences may be.
She hated the fact that she keeps lying to herself.
Truth is, she still thinks of Joohyun. She still keeps dreaming of her from time to time. Whenever she goes out in a crowd, she sees Joohyun too. She may not be as sad as before, but Joohyun's memory seems like it's stuck in her mind.
It's stuck there forever.
---
"She's married, Seulgi. Just two months ago."
Seulgi's grip on the radio tightened. She cleared before pressing the mic button. "Oh. Really? Is this someone we know?"
"To the same doctor you mentioned before. They are both working in HQ Hospital," said Sooyoung, voice raspy from the radio.
"Oh."
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
"Don't worry. She's not pregnant yet."
"Why would I worry if she's pregnant?"
"It's just that a lot of people are getting married lately because they're pregnant. It's not like that for them. They just want to get married."
Seulgi felt a pinch in her chest. "Maybe the guy is making sure that no one would steal Joohyun from him?"
"I've thought of that too. Joohyun said he's in settling down stage now. He's thirty-five, seven years ahead of us. He's not into playing games anymore."
"Good to know. That's fine. She deserves to be happy. I'm glad I made the right decision."
"So, how are you taking this all in?"
"I'm okay."
"Sure?"
"Yeah. It's been two years since we broke up. I... I haven't been thinking about her lately. I'm glad to know that she's happy now."
"Cool. By the way, I dropped by to tell you that. I need to be ready in thirty for a Migration operation."
"Thanks, Sooyoung. Appreciate you getting in touch."
"Arg. Just buy a damn phone, so it'll be easier for me."
Seulgi laughed. "Stay safe. Kill those monsters for me."
"Gotcha. Speak soon."
Seulgi felt the gravity pulling her heart down after that. She laid on the bed silently, a heavy feeling in her chest.
Two years.
That's all it took for that guy to make Joohyun agree to a lifelong commitment with him.
Two years.
That's all it took for Joohyun to forget her, to forget their seven-year relationship completely.
Seulgi knows Joohyun would say yes to her if she asked for marriage. They have always talked about having a family and all. However, she hasn't thought about proposing to Joohyun yet as she wasn't around all the time.
Yeah. She was not around. Joohyun needs someone to be there for her all the time.
Someone like that doctor.
Two years.
It's been two years since they saw each other, yet it feels like they just broke up yesterday.
A fluid slid down Seulgi's temples, damping the pillow behind. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, finally letting all the tears flow down.
She lied to Sooyoung.
She isn't okay.
And she will never be.
---
Seulgi stood up slowly, Yerim still in her arms. "Krystal, could you hold her for me?"
Krystal took the kid in her arms. "Where are you going, Cap?"
"I... uh... I need to get some air." Seulgi walked to the back door and gave the troop one last look. "I'll be back in a few."
"Is she alright?" Amber got to her feet, ready to follow.
"Let's leave her alone for now," said Sooyoung calmly. "Give her a few moments. She'll come around."
---
The rain outside is pouring hard. It's almost zero visibility in the village. Seulgi closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the pouring rain.
Good thing there were no cameras installed in this part of the Sanctuary. Seulgi also turned off all her communication devices in the meantime.
She needs one moment to herself--one moment of weakness. A moment when she can be her vulnerable self, not the SAU hero everyone sees.
Seulgi took a deep breath as another memory plays on her mind.
---
"Joohyun, where are we going?"
"To the garden!"
"What! It's raining outside!"
Joohyun turned to Seulgi, an eyebrow raised. "Exactly. That's why we're going down." Then she continued dragging her girlfriend downstairs until they reach the garden.
"Are you serious about this?"
"C'mon! C'mon!"
Joohyun dragged Seulgi into the middle of the garden. They stood in front of each other.
"I always wanted to know how it feels to kiss under the rain," said Joohyun, biting her lower lip.
Seulgi laughed. "Your parents will see us!"
"No. They left and won't be back until evening."
"You sure?"
"Yup. It's just you, me, and the rain right now."
Seulgi held Joohyun's chin. "Why are you so beautiful?"
Joohyun rubbed their noses together. "It's because you're making me feel beautiful."
Without saying another word, Seulgi captured her lover's lips--Joohyun cupping her face in return. Their kiss went on for another minute until Joohyun slowly pulled away, her eyes still closed like she's savouring every moment of it.
"I love you," said Joohyun, leaning her forehead against Seulgi's. "I love you. I love you. I love you."
The genuity of the moment made Seulgi close her eyes too. She felt it. Joohyun meant every single word she said. There are so many feelings building up in her chest she can't even make a single word for it.
The rain continued falling, soaking their heads and backs.
"Please don't leave me, Seulgi," said Joohyun. "I can wait for you as long as you want. But no matter what happens, be strong for us."
Already drowned with emotions, Seulgi kissed Joohyun's forehead. "I won't leave you. And yes, I will be strong for us."
---
Seulgi's currently sitting on the floor, hugging her knees.
What Joohyun said that time was so beautiful it hurts her until now.
Seulgi felt a tear roll down her cheek.
Did Joohyun mean what she said? Maybe.
Even so, that's a big lie now. Because she's already married to a guy and has a kid with him.
Whatever good memories left in her mind, it's just part of the past. It's the Joohyun she knew, not the Joohyun whom Yerim calls mommy.
Seulgi let her defences go down as she cried. She needed it. There's this burden inside her chest ever since she came back to this place a month ago. And now, this burden is flowing out of her eyes, washing away her grief.
There's no point in lying now. No matter how hard she tries to deny it, it's no use. She's never forgotten Joohyun. Yes, there were busy days that occupy her mind for a while. But as the day ends, when she's alone on her bed, she still asks herself how Joohyun is.
If Joohyun could be thinking of her too.
Somehow, she's hoping Joohyun had kept her promises before. But maybe the saying is true; promises are meant to be broken.
In the middle of her breakdown, small arms appeared from the back, encircling around Seulgi's neck. Seulgi looked over her shoulders only to see Yerim looking at her with those round eyes.
"Why you cwying?"
Seulgi couldn't resist the cuteness of the kid. "I remembered something."
"Stop cwying," said Yerim. She kissed Seulgi on the cheek and started rubbing the captain's back with her small hand.
"Is that how your mom does it whenever you cry?"
"Mmm-mmm. She loves hugging me like this." Yerim hugged Seulgi again from behind, like how Joohyun did to her before.
Seulgi reached for the kid's head and it. "You really are your mom's daughter."
The ground started shaking. Yerim's grip on Seulgi's shoulders tightened.
Seulgi knew it's time to put on her brave mask after hearing Sooyoung shout from inside.
"Captain! Evens are attacking the Sanctuary!"
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