When I started being a trainee at JYP I didn’t really like dancing, but in order to pursue my dream I had to improve in it nonetheless. It was a boy called Lee Minho who always was in the dance practice room as well and I had to admit, his looks impressed me the first time I saw him. We got along well, and he taught me the basics and with him dancing started to be fun. After a while we started to hang out more and eventually, I confessed, being the happiest person when Minho told me it was mutual. Dating within trainees wasn’t explicitly forbidden, but we didn’t shout our relationship from the rooftops, only our closest friends knew about it. We had a few mutual friends like Chan or Changbin, but when I found out that he’s very close with Jisung I was shocked. Jisung and I really didn’t like each other and we were fighting pretty much all the time, so I could’ve never imagined him to be close to my boyfriend. Minho even described Jisung as his best friend. But he also didn’t force me to get along with Jisung. Jisung and me just came to the agreement to avoid each other at all costs, which most of the time worked pretty well.

Minho was my first relationship, and I was so happy with him. Despite our exhausting schedules we always managed to meet up and found some private time for us.

It was when Chan chose the two of us for his group Stray Kids when things got more stressful. I knew all of the selected people. To my dismay Jisung was part of them, but luckily Jeongin, Changbin and Felix were in the group as well. I had no problem befriending everyone in the agitated time, except for Jisung of course. It only got worse between Jisung and me and I felt sorry for Minho.

Stray kids got selected as the debuting group and ahead of us was still a long journey until we could actually debut. Our first mission was to present a self-made song. Our leader Chan took on the task with the song, while lyrics and dance were divided with the members.

Within the stress it was always Minho who could lighten my mood, who could make me feel special, who could make me feel happy, even if it was just for the time I was in his arms. Minho’s warmth was just one of a kind. I liked to think that I had the same effect on him.

During the first mission’s evaluation we got some critique. Especially Jeongin, Minho and I. Minho was asked to rap some of my parts, and I wished I stood next to him while doing so, because I can just imagine how nervous he would be to do so. Even though he liked listening to me rapping, he never did it himself, so he would have to perform without any training. The atmosphere kept us breathless, no one wanting to make a mistake and wanting to present the best side of themselves.

I could only look over the other side of the line in which we were standing when Minho had to start rapping. He looked so nervous, almost frightened, but how could anyone resent him for that? Changbin supported Minho with his rap and he did a great job. At this moment I was really proud of my boyfriend, smiling to myself.

At the end of the evaluation we had three members who were at risk being eliminated of the group. Those members being Jeongin, Minho and me. We were happy that no one got eliminated (yet), but at the same time anxious about the next evaluation.

In the 3:3:3 mission the members at risk had to give an extra effort and all the other members were willing to help them as much as possible, while taking care of themselves in order not to get into the risk position as well. I was so grateful for all the support everyone offered, especially Chan. Our leader always stayed extra-long with everyone, giving advice wherever he could.

Minho and I only saw each other rarely, both of us way too afraid of being eliminated. I thought, that after we both give in all our efforts in showing our talents to JYP, we would have more time together again. Only a little more and easier times would be ahead of us. But little did I know back then.

We were sleep deprived, easily getting aggressive, but when the cameras were on us all of us would act as positive as possible. That alone was demanding in a way. Since I wasn’t paired with Minho in this mission, I also didn’t see him during the filming with the cameras in our free time. Felix and Changbin had the privilege to have fun with Minho.

I remember missing him a lot. And judging the messages I got from him at the weirdest times, assured me that he felt the same.

A few hours prior to the evaluation, I was with Minho and the others in the make-up room. Everyone was getting ready for the upcoming evaluation. I saw Jisung talking to Minho and as I approached them I gave him a look, signaling him to leave me alone with Minho. The younger was about to retort, but didn’t want to create an argument within the already strained atmosphere.

Minho sat on a chair in front of the mirrors.

“Hey babe.” I surprised him with a peck on the lips not having kissed him in many days.

“Hey….” He lowers his head. “I’m so anxious for today. I somehow have a bad feeling….” His voice melancholically escaped his lips.

“You have practiced so much and you’re such a talented person. The other member’s feedback and the trainer’s feedback have been great. You keep showing improvement, so why should it be today that you make a mistake and cannot fully show your potential?” I said lifting his chin with my hand. His beautiful eyes glimmered as they always did. “I’m also one of the members at risk, but trust me, today we both will leave this premise victoriously. Having a negative mindset won’t get us anywhere.”

My boyfriend nods faintly, making the impression to feel better, at least a little. I stared into his mesmerizing eyes and kissed him once again, deeper this time.

“I love you and I will watch your performance closely, okay?” Minho finally smiled and stole a kiss from me as well, but I didn’t mind that at all.

“You’re right, thanks Jiennie.” He then stood up and changed into his stage outfit. I left him alone after that, getting ready with the final touches of my outfit as well.

When we were called onto the stage, our minds went crazy and I remember my heart beating like crazy. My group was called out first to perform. And therefore Chan, Seungmin and I went on stage. As we were getting ready, I shortly glanced over to the rest of the team. Minho raised his fists, wishing me good luck. I slightly smiled before directing my gaze at JYP.

Our performance went well, without any mistakes and I was relived finally getting off the stage. I gave Minho a hug before he had to go on stage right after me. Minho together with Felix and Changbin also got ready on the stage. I wanted to give Minho the same support before he started, making him as comfortable as possible while he was on stage. I smiled at him and showed him a heart with my hands, followed by a thumbs up. A quick nod on his part acknowledged my gesture.

He’ll be just fine, I am sure of it.

Even though the performance started off great, Minho forgot his lyrics and I was highly surprised. If I heard it clearly, then everyone else did. Especially JYP. I didn’t know what his mistake would mean for the evaluation, but I tried to convince my mind that it won’t be as bad as we all dreaded.

Since Jeongin, Woojin and Jisung have had to go on stage directly after and in order not to disturb them, we only have exchanged quick words with each other and then focused at the School Life Performance. From the corner of my eyes I could see Minho walking back and forth, obviously distraught after his performance. I wanted to hug him and tell him that everything would be okay, but the staff wouldn’t let me.

The last team’s performance also went smoothly. Shortly after we all got called up on stage. My team getting evaluated first. I was so nervous, not only for me but also for Minho. My heart beat like crazy and I didn’t know what to expect. We got positive feedback and JYP informed me, that I am no longer a member at risk for elimination. I was relived, almost forgetting that Minho’s evaluation was still pending.

JYP evaluated Minho’s group last. I felt sick listening to JYP’s words, I cannot imagine how Minho felt while hearing him criticizing him and I never will. I stared at JYP while receiving the devastating words.

Minho is getting eliminated.

I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard that. My body felt cold and I thought my heart stopped beating. It was painful to breathe when he dismissed Minho so easily, like his decision wasn’t difficult to make. I could already hear snuffles but I saw Minho calm.

When JYP left the premise, we could finally take care of Minho. I could only move slowly not knowing what to do. I heard Felix cry and other members looking crestfallen. Jisung was the first to give Minho a hug, trying his best to comfort him. But it seemed like Minho wasn’t letting the whole news get to him just yet. Jisung released him and Felix was next to hug him. Felix’s face was full of tears wetting Minho’s outfit. But neither cared about that.

I only stood next to him in disbelief. I couldn’t imagine my journey to debut without Minho. Without my boyfriend. Without the one who was always there for me. After Felix, it was me who went to Minho and took him into a hug. I wanted him to feel better and I wanted him to be with us, to debut with us. He didn’t deserve this, not at all. But for some reason, it felt like Minho didn’t want to be hugged by me. He didn’t really hug back and quickly pushed himself away from me with weak arms. I looked at him worriedly but his eyes just got glassy and Chan came closer. Now the leader was consoling Minho.

I stood next to them looking around, seeing my members heartbroken. Everyone was shocked and after this everything happened so fast.

After a while we got escorted to our dorm. However, Minho distanced himself from me and stuck to Jisung instead. I gave him the distance he needed, letting him find comfort by Jisung. It stung thinking that Jisung was Minho’s closest companion, but I had to accept it.

Throughout the whole ride Minho distanced himself from me. Maybe he couldn’t look me into the eyes after what I told him before the performance. Maybe he felt safer in his best friend’s arms, whom he has known longer than me. Maybe he was ashamed of himself, because he didn’t make it but I did. Maybe he didn’t know what to do as well. Maybe he pushed me away unconsciously. Maybe he was just really sad.

Minho had to leave the dorm the next day due to his elimination. I haven’t talked to him ever since we came back home. Only when he was with his luggage ready to leave, I saw him up close again. We stood in the living room, giving our goodbyes to our precious dancer.

Our hug was longer than the day before, but still by far not as long as they used to be. But before he could push me away, I whispered into his ear:

“It’s not your fault. I keep supporting you and I lov-“ My boyfriend didn’t let me finish and just gave me a weak smile, whispering a “Thank you” back at me.

With glassy eyes we accompanied him to the entrance and saw him off.

From there on our lives got even more hectic. We had new members at risk of elimination and in order to prevent another elimination we doubled our workload. I felt like a walking corpse. Sometimes I felt like not having any energy left anymore but it felt like the only way to keep me save in order to debut.

Occasionally I received plain messages without any emojis from Minho. He used to write so vividly and send all kinds of emojis. I thought that he must still feel extremely sad. But due to my busy schedule in order to debut I and the others couldn’t allow to make a break and meet Minho. Though we could sometimes see him walk through the JYP building. Whenever I saw him my heart ached, but over time that pain also decreased. Sometimes Jisung informed the group of whatever Minho wrote him and I sometimes had the feeling that he told Jisung more and wrote him more frequently than me, but that was probably just a negative assumption towards Jisung, because ever since Minho got eliminated, we had no one except for Chan holding us back while fighting. It was after Felix’s elimination that hell broke loose and we almost had a physical fight. Thinking back, I don’t exactly know what triggered us that bad, but giving the circumstances literally anything was enough to get us or rather anyone mad easily.

The few weeks that passed without Minho felt like months. Months in which I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend properly or even at all.  It was only when JYP announced that Minho and Felix were allowed to return for the final stage. And again, we were so busy that we didn’t have time to talk or just spend time with another. Everyone was just focused on practicing in order to let our dream come true.

I didn’t hug Minho anymore and we didn’t kiss. We were becoming more like normal bandmates instead of being boyfriends.

When JYP announced that we will debut as 9 I couldn’t believe my luck. I was going to spend my idol life with all those people I learned to hold dear. When the confetti fell down and cheers were heard we fell into each other’s arms, celebrating our successful last stage.

After that I talked to Minho normally, comfortably as always. But it felt different now. We didn’t talk like lovers, more like normal friends. Friends, that used to be closer to each other than now. It wasn’t really awkward, but I had fewer problems hugging other members and that was something I needed to get used to.

Another thing that changed was my relationship with Jisung. I used to think that he’s holding me back with Minho but shortly after debut we somehow grew to understand each other better and actually became close, like real friends. It’s something I’ve never expected to happen, but without Minho’s presence or help we got along with each other and sometimes I had the feeling that I was closer to Jisung (skinshipwise) than with Minho.

After a while I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have a boyfriend anymore. But well, I wasn’t allowed to have one anyway as I started to officially become an idol after my debut. I stopped questioning our relationship, because it seemed that Minho stopped as well. We just went along with our lives, forgetting what was. It was like when you stop being friends with someone after you go to different schools or one moves away. You slowly talk fewer times a week and your feelings change. You go your own paths and open up to new things.

The only difference with us was that we used to be lovers and weren’t separated by anything. We were bound to be together for several years to come as Stray Kids. But I feel like the stress during our trainee time, especially Minho’s elimination, strained our relationship too much in such an uncertain time, that things kind of just stopped between us.

And now we’re here with Levanter, currently at the MBC building. I cannot believe how much happened since debut, but things with Minho haven’t really changed since back then. Honestly, I don’t know how to feel about that. Our relationship is something I should’ve long started to stop thinking about, but I somehow cannot stop myself.

I hear the door opening from behind me. Seems like I’ve been running out of time.

“Hyunjin, we have to go on stage!” Chan shouted at me from the other side of the room.

“Coming!” I reply, before giving the person in front of me a finale smile.

“That’s pretty much all there is to my story. I don’t know how it will continue from now on…. But…uuh…well…” I cut myself off, not knowing what to say and left for the stage.

Retelling everything between Minho and me, I remembered things I haven’t thought about in a long time. I’m getting closer to the backstage area and the screaming’s volume keeps increasing.

All the closeness and intimacy we shared somehow faded over time and I have the feeling that whatever might come in the future, it will never be the same again.

AN:

As for the person Hyunjin is talking about: I’m not really sure myself. I wanted Hyunjin to tell someone about his trainee days with Minho and generally how his whole relationship with Minho stopped, but I couldn’t think of any appropriate person. I thought about maybe another group’s member, the reader themselves (you) or even a reporter. Though telling a reporter would be stupid career wise. I actually wanted that person to be someone unexpected, like a baby that just lays there whom you can talk to about everything, but won’t get judged or anything, because they don’t understand anything. But I didn’t know how to integrate that in a good way. It was just supposed to be a monologue for Hyunjin to clear his mind.