It was funny how her everything could be put in a box so small.

 

With a bland smile, Seulgi had handed her the box(and Joohyun pretended not to notice the younger's trembling hands) and had waved her off.

"Call me."

She had said, her left hand still waving goodbye and her right ready to close the door. Because of the cold or because of her, Joohyun had no idea.

It was their way of bidding each other goodbye.

And also her way of making Joohyun call her so that she'll know the older had arrived safely.

But Joohyun knew that goodbye was nothing more than a farewell.

The tone in the younger's voice showed that quite clear.

And because Seulgi always walked her back home and that goodbye was supposed to be said in front of her house.

When a goodbye smacks right on one's face, usually people collapse on the pavement and cry their eyes out or wander lifelessly around the neighborhood because they just lost their home for their heart. It was supposed to be that way.

And yet Joohyun felt strangely calm. As if she had already, unconsciously prepared for this moment.

As if the younger never filled a part of her in the first place.

Someone who was always beside her was no longer there.

But she didn't feel like a part of her just fell out.

The empty space was still there but it was only just the spot beside her.

And when she thought that in the end, everyone was alone, it felt like her goodbye was a scar that will eventually close through time.

 

Joohyun held the box in her arms and decided to walk home. But she stopped beside the maple tree that was blushing red.

And like all people who were just going through a goodbye, her thoughts trailed off to the day they first met that always seemed magical before it had to be forgotten.

 

Looking back now, they met in the most cliche way.

But Seulgi always babbled on that their first meeting felt like fate whenever they talked about that day.

Click

The sound of her camera, her eyes, her expression as she lowered her camera.

She could still remember that day vividly even now.

Joohyun closed her eyes, recall the memory, and she was back to that day.

Click

So many years ago, with her wearing her dark jeans and favorite cream cashmere knitwear along with her black coat and light brown scarf around her neck, standing under the huge maple tree, admiring the Autumn then turned her gaze at the sound of her camera.

She had been thoroughly annoyed by it.

 

"What are you doing?"

Joohyun glared at the stranger who lowered the camera with a sheepish smile.

She looked a little younger than her. Maybe 20? She couldn't tell but her lively grin made Joohyun sure she was definitely younger.

"I'm so sorry." The girl said, scratching her head and sniffed because of the cold.

Her neck seemed hollowed without a scarf around it and only a camera strap hanging instead.

"You just.. looked so beautiful looking up on that tree." She gave her another cheery smile. "But I didn't take a picture of you to blackmail you or violate portrait rights or whatever." She pointed at the camera. "I promise I'll make sure to give the photo to you and delete it right after. It will be a shame to delete it now."

Joohyun was dumbfounded and she wasn't sure if it was because of the boldness of her words or her cheeky grin.

"So. Can I have your number?"

 

Seulgi had always said that day was still a mystery to her because it was so unlike her to talk to a stranger.

Due to her shy personality, Seulgi always told her even looking at her through the camera lens was enough to make her blush so when the younger approached her she almost thought her heart was going to burst because it was thumping so hard. And was worried she might get rejected in the meantime.

 

As promised, Seulgi texted her the next day after getting her picture printed.

"Do I really have to delete it?" She asked with such regret Joohyun didn't have the heart to say yes.

It was a shock that Seulgi was eighteen when they first met. And Joohyun was twenty, barely an adult.

The way she talked wasn't immature at all and even when there were times she would realize Seulgi acted like her age but always in an endearing way.

Her innocence fascinated her in many ways.

And that was shown most remarkably on the day when it first snowed.

 

Joohyun was always bothered by the fact that despite the cold, the younger never wore a scarf around her pale neck.

So the older always wrapped her scarf around Seulgi every time they met and the younger would always come back the next day to give it back.

It was kind of a stupid routine, Joohyun knew. But she had one more scarf back home and she also knew Seulgi was just making up excuses to see her the next day.

And that amused her. More than she thought.

The day when it first snowed, Joohyun felt glad she had given her scarf to the younger yesterday since it must be freezing outside.

Because of her younger sister, Joohyun had just got back home after making a snowman on the sidewalk and decided to wait inside until Seulgi showed up.

As she sat on the sofa, with the television on(though her eyes never glanced once at the screen), Joohyun watched the snow gently fall out the window.

Time seemed to slow down whenever she watched the snow fall.

And she wondered if it was the snow that made her see Kang Seulgi walking toward the snowman in slow motion.

Seulgi smiled down at the snowman then lightly patted its head as if she was training a dog to behave.

When Joohyun was about to get ready to greet the younger, she stopped with her gaze still fixed out the window when the younger did something she couldn't have guessed.

Seulgi undid the scarf around her neck and crouched down to wrap it around the snowman.

She grinned again in satisfaction then stood up and her eyes met hers straight from the window.

Joohyun blinked, a little startled by the odd warmth climbing up her neck making her insides curl up.

When Seulgi waved did Joohyun manage to wake up from the feeling and gave the younger a quick smile before walking toward the door.

Her smile didn't falter even a little bit as she walked toward the younger who pointed at the snowman. "Did you made her? Or should I say him?"

"It's a snowman, Seulgi."

Seulgi laughed out loud. "Oh, silly me. Then it's a he."

"I never gave permission to you to wrap my scarf around a lump made of snow."

"Hey! The lump you're referring is a he, apparently and he must have feelings too!"

Joohyun crossed her arms, imitating a teacher scolding her student with her nose high up in the air in annoyance.

"Then maybe you should have bought your own scarf for your 'friend'."

"..Will you give me a plus point if I would have preferred to put it around your neck rather than the snowman?"

Seulgi rubbed her nape and Joohyun couldn't help but frown in disapproval at her neck without her scarf.

"But you didn't show up so.."

"Why would I need a scarf?" Joohyun placed her hand on the scarf wrapped around her. "I have one already."

Seulgi just shrugged, careful not to hit the snowman beside her.

"Don't know." She said with a meaningful look. "You just looked cold."

"I'm not cold."

"I'm using metaphors, Bae Joohyun."

Joohyun snorted, annoyed by the knowing look on the younger's face. "What? I like being alone."

She figured Seulgi must know about her lack of activities aside from reading or staying in her room the whole day.

And that she never really had friends aside from the younger and her two other friends.

"Well, that goes the same for me." Seulgi stepped closer to her and took her hand.

Joohyun realized how cold her hands were with the younger's warm hands wrapped around them.

"But nobody likes to be lonely, right?"

Joohyun was indifferent when it comes to relationships.

Why bother about them when they will always end eventually?

Giving her whole heart to something will be such a waste.

So it didn't really matter if Kang Seulgi became her friend or not.

She could grow to like her, though. From her hair tied into a bun to her moondlid eyes that almost disappeared when she smiled.

 

And as much as her innocence, the younger's disposition made Joohyun feel more attached to her.

The younger would always make that dumbfounded expression as if she was slapped on the face whenever Joohyun advised about her problems since there had been a time she had to go through the same thing.

"I never thought age was a problem." She said while Joohyun relished the dumbfounded look on her face. "But I feel like it can be a problem."

Joohyun lightly smacked her arm with an intimidating look she could muster.

"Are you going to make another joke about me turning 21 next year?"

"No." Seulgi shook her head, not smiling at all by the sarcasm. "It upsets me I can't do the same thing to you."

"Watching your reaction is entertaining enough."

"Yeah, right."

Joohyun turned to face her, feeling bothered by the distress the younger was showing through her tightly pursed lips.

"Why are you so obligated to do things for me?"

There was a short silence and as when they finally reached Joohyun's home, Seulgi told her reason.

"Because," Joohyun swore she had seen her cheeks blushing pink under the orange streetlight. "I like doing things for you."

 

Joohyun realized she had been standing under the tree for almost about half an hour. She could feel the weight of the box getting heavier so she glanced back at the tree for the last time before walking away.

As if she made up her mind she was never going to see it again.

 

 

 

She had managed to keep her mind blank halfway to her house.

But as she walked under the trees shaking off their yellow and brown leaves on her head(and it almost seemed as if they were making the leaves fall on her head on purpose), her thoughts drifted off into another memory before she had a chance to erase it.

 

Joohyun was never intimate with maps.

She never failed to mistaken right as left and vice versa whenever she had to go somewhere(which was another valid reason for her being a home-body).

But when Seulgi had looked so down ever since she had got into college, she just had to drag her out for a ride.

It was her first time driving with someone other than herself and Joohyun had to make sure the younger had fastened her seatbelt before turning on the engine.

She had it all planned out. Go to the photo exhibition Seulgi had always wanted to go and go grab dinner before going back. Simple as that.

And yet she couldn't even do those two simplest things.

"...You sure we're going the right way?"

And Joohyun regretted for the first time for not repairing her car's navigation system and confidently telling the younger she didn't need one at all.

The sun was setting and they were going absolutely nowhere.

Joohyun ended up pulling the car beside the sidewalk of nowhere and noticed Seulgi was trying to find out their location with her phone.

"...I messed up didn't I?"

"It's fine." Seulgi leaned closer to the older to show her the phone screen. "It only takes about an hour to go home."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Seulgi sighed but in a relaxed, peaceful way as she leaned her head on the headrest of the shotgun. "I quite like it here."

"I always hated when you acted like everything was okay." Joohyun quietly said. "And now I'm making you act like that."

"I never act when I'm with you," Seulgi said and was it just her feeling that she could hear the sincerity in her words? Joohyun had no idea. "You're too smart not to know that, Joohyun unnie."

"Stop." Joohyun pretended to cringe at the word. "I still can't believe you have mistaken me the same age as you when we first met."

"I have this prejudice that everyone shorter than me is also younger than me."

"Now that's offending."

"Well, I don't think that way anymore." Seulgi sleepily blinked. "I learned so many things in such a short time."

Joohyun stayed silent, not wanting to make her words interrupt the younger's thoughts.

"I thought when you go to college, that's it," Seulgi said, disheveling her hair which was a habit whenever she was handling a problem she didn't know how to solve. "But instead a bigger question was waiting for me."

Joohyun didn't know if it was her protectiveness for the younger that was making her feel regretful for not being enough for keeping Seulgi's innocence the same as it was two years ago.

"So I thought to myself 'So that's why Bae Joohyun was so hard-headed.'."

Joohyun gave her a steely glare which was lightly ignored by the younger.

"I find reality very.. harsh." Seulgi said after a pause.

"And I sometimes feel scared of how much I have to learn that the hard way."

She didn't know what to say because that was exactly how she felt every day.

"But at least I'm not alone." The younger said as she gave her a cheeky grin. "No, I said it wrong. At least I'm not lonely anymore."

That time, as Joohyun drove back home, chancing a glance from time to time at the younger who was half-asleep, she reminded herself she will always be obligated to keep her innocence as long as she could and to keep her away from all the severe consequences of their reality.

Because Joohyun herself wanted to do that more than anything. For her.

 

 

And now Joohyun no longer had the chance to do that.

She halted and stared down at the gray pavement covered with orange and yellow leaves coloring the dull block.

And she could hear the camera clicking again, knowing that a certain someone was innocent enough to marvel even at the smallest things.

 

"Why are you taking pictures for every ten seconds?"

Joohyun, feeling annoyed the camera strap was around her neck instead of her scarf, asked the younger who didn't once put her camera down as they walked their usual path.

"I'm trying out a competition." Another click. "The winner gets well, money."

"So you're going to take pictures of everything in your sight?"

"It's a shame I can't just turn in your pictures," Seulgi said with a sly grin. "Since my camera is filled with them."

"What's the theme?" Joohyun said, ignoring the younger's playful remark since it had been two years since she had gotten used to it.

"Heaven." Seulgi let out a whistle. "So many pictures can be used for that theme. The judges are genius."

Joohyun raised an eyebrow, suddenly curious. "Then what is your definition of heaven?"

The younger thoughtfully tapped her chin, finally lowering her camera. "Well.. Everyone thinks heaven is like a certain place, right?"

"It's where good people go when they're dead."

"Yeah, that's the first meaning." Seulgi said with a look of 'as-expected-from-you'. "But I feel heaven when I'm walking this path."

Joohyun was too taken aback to roll her eyes when Seulgi stopped again to take a picture of the fallen leaves on the pavement.

"So I'm going to make the irony of 'Stairway To Heaven'."

Her eyes glinted with enthusiasm as if a kid was telling her mother about her great idea for the science fair.

"And call mine 'Pathway Of Heaven'."

And after the younger's statement, the autumn leaves seemed to fall around them like pieces into place.

 

It didn't feel like the pathway of heaven to her. At least, not anymore.

She always suppressed the urge to ask why did the path feel like heaven to her.

She knew Seulgi would never lie to her. Seulgi was never the problem.

The problem was her. Who wanted to know the answer and wanted to avoid it at the same time.

Why had she wanted to know? Even now?

That was another question Joohyun wanted to avoid answering.

She quickened her pace because the leaves falling down around her looked nothing but a mess to her.

She felt an invisible tug at her heartstrings and automatically stopped her footsteps and stood under the streetlamp.

 

"This is the perfect romantic setting, don't you think?"

Seulgi slurred as she stumbled with her one arm around the older's neck.

It had been their first time drinking together at the bar and Joohyun didn't know the younger would get drunk this fast. But she was endearing that way.

Joohyun giggled as she struggled to keep their balance along the way.

"Shame we both don't have a boyfriend."

It was meant to be a joke and yet the words hung heavily around midair making even herself feel the weight on her shoulders.

"But for me," Seulgi spoke up after a short silence. "Now feels like a dream."

"Oh, really?" Joohyun answered, dancing to her tune.

"Everything I love is here."

"Am I a thing now?" Joohyun said playfully(and she knew deep inside she was flirting).

"How should I express it?" Seulgi asked innocently, failing to notice their ping-pong game of flirting every time. "How do you want me to express it? Cheesy way or smooth way?"

"Try me."

"You are not a thing." Seulgi's face was flushing pink despite the cold. "You are everything."

"Which one is that? Cheesy or smooth?"

"Both." The younger shyly grinned. "It was supposed to be cheesy but it's the truth."

"It's still cheesy." Joohyun said teasingly even though the word 'everything' echoed in her head.

"Well, if you find the truth cheesy,"

Seulgi paused for a moment, deep in thought at such a trivial thing.

Always wanting to impress her and not realizing she didn't need to in the first place.

"I'll name you as someone. And I'll say it again."

As the younger took a deep breath, everything seemed silent. The dark, the hooting of the owls, even the rustle and cracking of the leaves sounded indistinct.

"Everything and someone I love is here."

Profound silence. Moments later,

"It's heaven."

And Joohyun realized she loved it when she broke the silence to say something like that.

Seulgi stopped walking and leaned on the pole of the streetlamp while Joohyun patiently stood beside her even though she was also feeling a little high from the alcohol. Seulgi was trying hard to keep her eyes open while her hand was grasping the older's coat sleeve for balance.

“I love you," The younger's grip on her coat sleeve loosened. "You know that right?"

"..I know."

Joohyun blamed on the alcohol for answering.

"Then why don't you say anything back?"

Because you don't know anything. Not even how I feel.

"..Because you're drunk."

"Hard-headed as always. Booooring." Seulgi kicked another pile of leaves beside her, brown and yellow leaves flying everywhere.

"And you're annoying."

Joohyun couldn't tell whether it was the younger's drunken state or her body absorbing the alcohol that was making her drowsy.

"Better than boring."

"What do you know, Kang Seulgi?"

That was making her this straight-forward.

"You don't know anything because sometimes even I don't know what I'm feeling."

"Then tell me." Seulgi stepped closer to her, stepping on the dead leaves that rustled and cracked. But Joohyun didn't back away, admiring how the shade of Seulgi's face changed under the street lamp.

"Tell me what you're feeling."

"....I can't."

That look. Joohyun hated it. Almost ready to shatter into pieces.

If her words refused to come out, the least thing she could do was this.

Joohyun held her face with both hands, chanced a glance to her lips she had always imagined what it would feel if it met hers, then leaned into her and finally,

kissed her.

She could tell Seulgi was surprised by the way her body tensed up and how she kept shut.

It was barely a kiss but it was enough to know what she was trying to say.

Joohyun pulled away, took a step back, not daring to meet her eyes.

"I told you." She had always dreaded this day. "You don't know."

But the thud her heart gave when Seulgi cupped her face with her cold hands, embracing her cheek as she brought her lips to will forever be her own heaven.

 

And also her scar that will always rip itself open whenever it had the chance.

Joohyun wondered if she will ever be mad enough to try the same thing again.

She had crossed that street lamp several times.

But that memory always came first in her mind.

 

There's a saying that people become friends when they have a lot of things in common.

But in their case, even with their similarities, their difference was much bigger.

Unlike Joohyun who liked staying at home, Seulgi liked to go outside to go for an exhibition, or shop for clothes or even eat alone.

And Joohyun liked books while Seulgi had proudly said she was good at every sport and art.

Even their looks were different.

But rather than feeling aware of their differences and repulsed by them, she felt blissful about it.

Her life after the younger became completely different from before and she was refreshed and even excited about it.

However as they slowly absorbed into each other's life, the neighborhoods often mistook them as sisters.

When they were walking together at the same pace, hands laced together, a stranger asked them if they were twins.

Normally, friends would bicker about how could anyone ever think they looked alike. But instead, they both just smiled at each other without a word.

And Joohyun thought to herself again how beautiful Seulgi looked when she smiled.

 

There's also a saying people look like each other when they're in love.

Were they in love at that time?

 

No.

Joohyun violently shook her head, making the objects in the box rattle.

She wouldn't have felt this empty and calm while walking back home if she had loved her.

 

*

 

It was grocery day.

And it felt strange sitting on the driver seat since she had been used to sitting beside that seat for a long time.

Because after Seulgi got her driver's license, she always insisted on driving whenever she needed a ride.

'You'll get lost without me.' she had said, looking ever more pleased that she could do something the older couldn't.

And Joohyun knew how much she enjoyed giving her a ride because she liked to show off that she too was an adult. But the wide grin on her face whenever she took the wheel showed she will forever be a kid inside.

So Joohyun didn't tell her about her navigation system that had been repaired for four years.

Joohyun slowly held onto the handlebars and she swore she could still feel the warmth of the younger's hands lingering on the wheel.

 

"Hop in!"

 

"It's MY car, Kang Seulgi," Joohyun said as she sat in the passenger seat. "Where are we going?"

"Anywhere you like!" The younger said, gripping the wheel looking never more determined. "I'm your rider for the day."

"Then I want to go home. To my bed."

"Aw come on, Joohyun!" Seulgi sulked on her seat. "It's my first time driving with someone after I got my driver's license."

Instead of answering, Joohyun slowly fastened her seatbelt and grasped it with her both hands as if her life depended on it.

"Very funny, Bae Joohyun. Very funny."

"I have to go buy groceries anyway so why don't you take me to the mart?"

"Mart it is!" The younger started the engine then nervously smiled. "I'll make sure not to destroy your car. Maybe."

"How very reassuring."

"Can you turn on the music?" Seulgi asked as she stepped on the accelerator and the car gently moved forward. "I think it'll help calm myself down."

So Joohyun had to do two tasks at the same time. Watching Kang Seulgi drive and pick the right song for the younger to calm down.

But Seulgi was surprisingly good at driving, maybe almost better than herself.

Her concerns faded away when Seulgi took a smooth U-turn and Joohyun felt her tensed body relax as she started to dance along the song, mumbling the lyrics to herself.

She rolled down the car window from the passenger side and she hummed in content as the wind gently swept her hair and the smell of autumn tickled her nose while watching the glimpse of leaves falling, people passing, the sunlight softly touching her face.

Maybe she could ask Seulgi again to drive her whenever she needed a ride.

Since it meant Seulgi will also be a part of her daily routine.

Joohyun glanced at the traffic light as she sang the lyrics out loud but noticed that the car wasn't slowing down when the traffic light was yellow, ready to turn red.

"SEUL-"

Joohyun felt herself lurch forward as the car screeched into a halt and she would have almost got herself a flat-nose surgery if not for Seulgi's right arm in front of her.

The car was right in the middle of the crosswalk and Joohyun placed her hand on her chest to calm down the thumping inside because of the sudden halt.

After exhaling and inhaling several times, she glanced beside her and saw Seulgi sliding down from the driver seat in shame.

"I didn't kill anyone, did I?" The younger asked, peeking out of her driver seat.

"Luckily, no. You okay?"

"Uh-huh.." Seulgi weakly replied. "Just.. surprised."

"Why didn't you step on the breaks? You dozed off didn't you?"

"No, I didn't!"

"Then why didn't you keep your eyes on the road!" Joohyun raised her voice. "You could have gotten yourself into an accident Kang Seulgi!"

"I-" Seulgi stopped and her face slowly flushed red as she looked away and banged her head against the handle. "I'm sorry. You're right."

"..It's okay."

"I think I shouldn't drive when you're in the passenger seat."

"Seulgi, I'm okay."

"No, not just that." Seulgi rubbed her ears which were also tinted red. "I.. I wasn't focusing on the road because well.. You looked so pretty. Singing and smiling like that."

 

Joohyun ended up taking a taxi on the way to the mart.

And she realized she shouldn't have gone to the mart in the first place.

 

"Are you having your lunch here?"

Joohyun said as she pulled the cart toward the vegetable section with the younger going here and there to the free-sample stand while following her.

Seulgi happily chewed and even handed her a fried dumpling on a stick.

"Nope. I'm looking forward to you cooking a meal for me."

Joohyun shot her a look but took the fried dumpling(after Seulgi blew out the steam for her) and thought maybe this could be heaven to the younger.

"Is it good?" The older asked and Seulgi nodded with a grin.

Joohyun casually picked up the pack of the same fried dumplings but was stopped by the younger.

"What?"

"I want to eat what you cook."

"...What do you want for lunch?"

"Anything from you."

Joohyun could have mistaken that line as a joke if not for the sincere look on her face as if nothing was wrong with her saying it.

Joohyun slowed down their cart because of the people swarming in front of them and took that as a chance to stare absentmindedly at the younger.

"...Do you want beef? I remember how you wolfed it down when I first did a roast."

"I can never say no to beef." The younger said cheerfully, smacking her lips. "Can't wait."

Seulgi wasn't an expert when it comes to cooking. But when Joohyun attempted to teach her, she always refused.

'You have to learn how to cook for yourself someday when you're alone.' Joohyun had scolded her, mostly because she was worried but Seulgi had firmly shaken her head, crossing her arms in strong refusal.

'That's why I don't want to.' The younger had grinned at her playfully. 'I don't need to.'

 

Joohyun couldn't even remember what she bought as she lifted up the plastic bag of her groceries and unlocked the door.

She threw the plastic bag on the table then sat on the living room floor, leaning against the sofa feeling exhausted already.

She didn't feel like cooking dinner for herself.

She stared at the blank television screen in front of her and her eyes naturally trailed up to the drawer next to it and on the drawer were several photo albums she now had to get rid of.

Seulgi had insisted on making her Joohyun's own photo album because 'Photos are all that's left to remember' and she always made one for her once a year.

It was more like their album because there wasn't a single photo of her without the younger. And that was what she wanted. Even now.

She remembered how she laughed out loud after seeing Seulgi's own photo