The stones hurt her feet and the thorns scratched at her legs as she desperately tried to run, the sound of her own heart roaring in her ears. She tripped, and suddenly she was pushed into water, a hand holding her face down as her lungs screamed for air and her limbs shook wildly.

She was drowning.... water was everywhere...

Lia gasped, feeling the cold air fill her lungs. She sat up and stared at her surroundings, able to make out the familiar windows and doors in the semi-darkness. She was still wet... and then she realized it was her own sweat. Gulping back a sob, she looked at the glow in the dark hands of her alarm clock.

2 am.

It was really late, but she was too scared to try to go back to sleep. Her heart still pounded, her blood still raced with adrenaline. The nightmare had been so realistic... but then again, they always were...

Legs wobbly, she got up and switched on all the lights, and grabbed her phone. She settled back in bed, holding her bunny very tightly, and scrolled through Instagram. She scrolled through her old Facebook account, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and watched video after video on youtube – cafe vlogs, study vlogs, toy shop hauls, trying to lose herself in another world.

By the time the sun came up, her eyes were stinging and her mind was buzzing with lack of sleep. Though she tried to fight it, her eyes slowly but surely closed, and sent her to dreamland – or should we say, nightmare-land?

This time she woke up choking on her own sobs, an unbearable kind of heaviness and emptiness deep within her, the irrational and uncontrollable fear that something terrible is going to happen.

Great... it was one of these days... the kinds of days where she either felt nothing at all, or felt too much fear and anguish and helplessness.

"Call one of us if you get nightmares, ok? You have to promise." That sentence had been they way both her parents had said goodbye. Lia had only called them once or twice, knowing it would worry them to death that she was having nightmares so often when she lived alone – one of the reasons they had let her go to university in Seoul and live alone was because they thought the nightmares had stopped. They thought the days where it was getting unbearable to exist, to eat, to shower, to brush her teeth, to do anything but lie in bed, were better.

She couldn't call them. It would do nothing but worry them and she couldn't deal with that – she wasn't in the state of mind to be able to deal with the guilt of making anyone worry over someone as worthless as her. Anyway, she was so much better now compared to before.... she had learned that these days always pass, and to just hang in there and try to distract herself even if she wasn't really interested in anything. There was no need to call them...

So Lia did what she always did on days like today. She lay in bed, and mindlessly watched movies and videos, the screen and lack of sleep giving her a major headache. Eventually, she couldn't stand it anymore and just curled up in bed, making herself as tiny as possible, burying herself under blankets and hugging her bunny and just tried not to let herself get crushed by the sheer cruelty of her own mind.

This will pass, she repeated like a mantra. Everything passes, everything goes...

***

"Awww no, another migraine? You poor little thing!" Dok Mi said sympathetically. After about 2 days of bunking classes, Lia finally had the energy to pick up her friends' calls.

"Headache?!" Eumjung repeated in the background. "I thought you didn't get migraines that bad anymore..."

"Well, it's getting better," Lia said, fiddling with her bunny's ears. Technically she was getting better... but not from the headache.

"Will you come to class tomorrow?" Eunjung asked.

Classes... just the word exhausted her. She just wanted to lie in bed, curled up in a little ball, and cuddle her bunny. Today she played with the pots of Play doh, and with Sponge Bob on the screen in front of her, for a little while, she almost forgot everything else – she almost forgot how heavy and anxious and exhausted she felt.

"Yeah... I'll probably be there tomorrow," Lia said with a sigh. She didn't want to. The rational part of her mind told her she had to, or else she would have more work to catch up with. And that she could go eat angel food cake in the cafe. And maybe talk to Namjoon, a small corner of her mind whispered.

***

Great. Just great. Just one hour in college and she was nearly in tears. She was so tired, she just barely had any energy to keep up with the lectures. And it felt like everyone knew – it felt like everyone could see right past her and see what a big fuss she was making over nightmares and judge her for being lazy and stupid.

Plus it didn't help that the first thing Dok Mi had said when she saw Lia was, "God, you look horrible." That didn't exactly boost her energy.

Eun Jung had elbowed their friend in the ribs. "Shut up! Lia, don't listen to her, you just look really tired, that's all." She had hugged Lia tightly and patted her head. "Head, please behave yourself! Stop tormenting our Lia or else I will kick your !"

That had made her laugh, but right now, she didn't feel like laughing at all. The lecturer asked her a question, and she hadn't even heard it – hadn't even realized she had been spoken to until the girl sitting next to her poked her and gestured meaningfully to the front of the room, where the lecturer stood with arms crossed over his chest.

"Yes, well, I see some of us think they are too clever to bother listening. Miss, would you like to leave my class?"

Everyone was staring at her, some of them openly laughing. Lia shrunk back into her seat, a horrible pressure in the pit of her stomach that made her feel sick. The lecturer moved on, but the feeling didn't. The students weren't even glancing at her anymore, but it felt like they were still laughing and judging her for being lazy and stupid.

What was that thing she had been taught to do? Ah yes, grounding. Focusing on the present moment. Lia breathed in deeply, and exhaled, counting the seconds and making her exhale one second longer than the inhale. She tried to focus entirely on her breath, and not the sick feeling, and gradually, her heartbeat slowed and the sick feeling went away a little.

By the time classes were ov