Content warning: there will be a conversation about PTSD, an eating disorder, and ual littlespace (but only to express discomfort towards it.) I dont think I wrote in depth enough about it to need to rate the whole chapter, but I inserted a line to indicate where those conversations start and end so you can skip it if you are uncomfortable with such topics. with that out of the way, I hope you enjoy reading! <3

Their first official date was two days after officially becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. Namjoon wanted to take her to one of his favorite restaurants and splurge. He picked her up for an early dinner since it was a weeknight, and his heart skipped a beat when he saw that she was wearing that white dress she wore to the company event - the colour and the simple makeup made her look ehthereal.

"Did you know it's perfect for twirling in?" she asked, blushing at his compliments.

"Really?"

"Yeah! I'll twirl for you!" She spun around and the skirt rose around her, something she seemed to appreciate a lot judging by her excited expression. "See? It's perfect!"

He laughed fondly. "Yes, that's a perfect dress for twirling in, angel."

"It is! And um, you look so handsome tonight. I mean, you're always handsome, though," she said, getting flustered. "But you look super handsome right now."

Maybe they were both a bit shy, as this was the first time meeting up after their confession and first kiss. But it eventually melted away into a familiar comfort during the taxi ride to the restaurant, since nothing about each other actually changed other than the titles of girlfriend and boyfriend.

A maitre de showed them to an empty table, and Lia's eyes widened at the prices on the menu. "You really want to eat here? We could go somewhere else, you know..."

"Why? The food is really good here."

"But it's pricey, we can go eat noodles for like five dollars-"

"It's not really that pricey," he cut in. "Since they give you a really large serving and it's really good."

"Oh. I guess I'm too used to being in college student mode, then."

He laughed. "Yeah, probably. So don't worry, and just pick whatever you want to have. This place is pretty famous for it's steak, and pasta."

Lia hesitated. "Can I have steak then? It's been ages since I had steak."

Namjoon nodded, and closed his menu. Lia closed hers as well, and a waiter came to take their order. She told the waiter what she would like to have, and Namjoon said, "I'll have what she's having."

"Two steaks, medium-rare. Would you like some wine?"

Namjoon looked at Lia questioningly.

"Um... if you want any...."

"Cabernet Sauvignon is good with steak. Do you like it?"

Lia shook her head. "I don't think I've had it before."

"Shall I bring a bottle to taste?" the waiter enquired.

"Yes, please," said Namjoon.

The waiter returned soon with a bottle of wine, and poured a bit first into Lia's glass, then Namjoon's. Lia watched Namjoon swirl his glass a few times before taking a sip, and did the same. It was sour and fruity and bitter all at once. The waiter launched into an explaination about the wine and why it was an ideal pair with steak, and when he finished Namjoon nodded. "What do you think, Lia? Do you want to try this tonight?"

"Yes, please."

The waiter poured them both a fuller glass, and left the bottle on the table.

"Swirl it around your glass, ok? The contact with oxygen helps it release it's flavors," Namjoon explained. "And then, sniff it a few times - yeah, like that. Wine is about both - the taste and smell."

"I feel really fancy tonight." Lia swirled her glass. "Steak and wine, now that's a sophisticated meal. I've had steak loads of times, but never with wine."

"I can't eat steak without wine," Namjoon said. "Especially this one. Cabernet Sauvignon."

"It sounds like a tongue twister!"

"You're right, it does. Seriously though, you'll see why it's so good!"

"So, why is wine and steak good?"

"Well, the tannins in the wine - it's a molecule, by the way - softens the fat in meat, so the steak releases a lot more flavor. And the fat in the steak makes the wine less bitter and more fruity. It's a win-win for both."

Lia was impressed. "I wasn't expecting a scientific-ish explaination, but then again it's you I'm talking with," she said teasingly. "My extraordinarily smart boyfriend."

"Lia," Namjoon whined, the tips of his ears going slightly pink. "Not that smart, ok!"

"Hmm that's true, you're probably smarter than I imagine. Aww, are you blushing?"

Luckily Lia's attention got diverted with the arrival of the meal, and being so serious about taking a bite of food and then a sip of wine that Namjoon laughed. As a result, she ended up drinking a lot more wine than she should have, and ended up very slightly tipsy and he took her to his place since she refused to let go of him.

Amused, Najoon watched her kick off her shoes ferociously. It was only eight pm, so they watched a documentary about bread and by the time it was over, she was sober and drooling and he was hungry for snacks. They ended up making hot chocolate and toast, and discussing how they should make bread together one day and even searched for recipes that would seem good after all they learned from the documentary.

By the time they decided on a recipe, it was past ten pm. "Uh oh, I better take you home now - you have college and I have work tomorrow."

Lower lip sticking out a bit, she mumbled, "C-can i sleep here today? I don't... I don't really like going back to an empty place.."

Namjoon smiled. "Didn't really feel like saying good bye to you, either."

"Do you get lonely, living alone?"

"Sometimes. Yoongi and I hang out a lot but yes, it still gets lonely around here. Do you get lonely?"

She nodded. "A lot. I always lived with my family, and even though we're a mess there was always someone around."

"Tell me about your family?"

"Ok so, I have a younger sister. She wants to become a zoologist and she's always got her pockets full of bugs she thinks are interesting and she brings home any hurt animal. Oh, and she's always trying to get us to go vegan."

Namjoon chuckled. "She sounds like quite a handful. Do you get along?"

"Not always! Our biggest fight was over the snake she brough home and it was let loose in my room - she said it wasn't poisonous, but still!"

Namjoon would be lying if he said he didn't feel a kind of longing ache deep inside, listening as she told him stories about her family, but at the same time he was happy she didn't grow up alone.

Eventually they got up to go wash up, and he gave her his hoodie and shorts to wear and again about being a midget as he rolled up the sleeves that swallowed her fingers.

"There's a new toothbrush in the cabinet in the bathroom you can use," he said, and when he saw her sheepish smile he exclaimed, "Don't tell me you were going to skip brushing! You better not, the tooth fairy will get so mad at you and take away your teeth!"

"Alright, alright, you tooth fairy spy!"

It was a bit past eleven pm by the time they were both washed up and ready for bed, and Namjoon realized he had forgotten that he still had to correct several designs. So he tucked Lia in bed and went to sit at the desk in the living room to work, trying to hurry because he wanted to sleep. With full focus on his task, time flew by, and he was nearly finished when the light in the hallway . Lia stood watching him, for some reason looking very small and unsure of herself.

"What are you doing still up?" he asked, glancing at the clock - it was 1:30 am.

"Well, what are you doing still up?" she retorted. "You're the one who has to wake up earlier for work."

"I'm finishing something for work," he said. "What about you?"

"Can't sleep," she muttered, and immediately went into the arms he held open to embrace her tightly.

"What's wrong, baby? What's bothering you tonight?"

"Too quiet," she whispered, fingers clutching the fabric of his shirt. "It scares me."

"What do you usually do at home?" he asked, pulling her to sit on her lap.

"Um... I just keep the TV on... and I fall asleep on the couch. But I sleep late there too - my sleep cycle is a mess. I know that's not good," she said hurriedly, peeking at his face and seeing the slight disapproval. "Sorry...a-are you mad?"

"No, no, I'm not mad - you didn't do anything wrong," he assured her. "I'm not really thrilled with your sleeping habits, that's all - but I know you can't help it. Want to tell me why night time is so hard?"
 

There was a moment of silence. "PTSD...I almost drowned to death as a baby." Her voice was so quiet he could barely hear it, but something in his mind clicked and in all honesty he was not at all surprised to hear she had post-traumatic stress disorder - nightmares, and even what he was sure was a panic attack, and regression were all clues. He knew there were people who regressed for fun but that most of them did as a way of coping. It was not surprising, yet why did his heart feel a pang?

"Are those what the nightmares are about?" he asked gently.

"Yeah... it's always the same nightmares and I know it's just a nightmare and it's not true but it scares me so badly and it feels real." Her voice broke in frustration.

"That's what PTSD induced nightmares are like, baby, it's not your fault."

"But still, it's time I get over it.."

"And until you get over it, it's important to be patient with yourself. There's no time limit for any illness - yes, especially mental illnesses. Everyone has different scars, gets impacted at different levels, and has different ways of dealing with it and healing. And that's perfectly ok. It's normal to be frustrated when you think you aren't making any progress, but that's part of healing - healing is hard and there will be many times where it seems like you are walking backwards instead of forward."

"I know... but it feels like I've always been trapped in this and every time it seems like I'm getting better I just relapse again. I even got so much better at some point that I stopped therapy and moved here to live alone. I was so proud of myself, you know? But then... I don't know... I didn't get as bad as I was before therapy, like at least I didn't relapse into severe depression, but my anxiety got bad again and I couldn't sleep in my bed without some kind of noise and distraction. This probably sounds stupid, but going to bed makes me anxious."

"It sounds like you made a lot of progress over the years, and you were so brave deciding to come here alone for college," Namjoon said, kissing the top of her head. "I'm so proud of you."

He heard her breath hitch. "You're not just saying that?-"

"No, Lia, I'm not - because every time you relapse you still got up, and that, to me, is real strength. It takes more courage and effort to stand up again than never falling down. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you," she whispered, arms around his