Always comes a phase in life that’s filled with numerous questions. Ranging from what is the purpose of one’s life? What does happiness truly mean? Am I doing the right thing? Have I made the wrong decision? What do I want in my future? Am I satisfied with what I have right now? How can I do better?

Doubt preceded seventeen-year-old Kim Namjoo as she watched her mother march down the green yard. In a serene white gown carrying a cheap white bouquet pressed between her s. An array of baby breaths mixed with roses freshly trimmed.

Trying to decipher the wide smile plastered across her red lips. Was that a sincere smile? Was it a mask for tonight’s wedding?

Namjoo thought “I do” meant forever. When a man and a woman married that was final. They’ve made their choice. I choose you. You choose me. Love is forever.

Namjoo started wondering what love was when her parents divorced. Kim Sua and Kim Youngho weren’t perfect people. From young Namjoo had caught them arguing. Money was tight. Someone was wracking up electricity bills. Water was being wasted. Always something to make a point about.

Sometimes her father came home in the wee hours of the morning. Drunk and smelling of tobacco. Then Namjoo would wake up to hear vicious murmurs outside her bedroom. Mom and dad going at it again like two hyenas fighting over meat. She’d pull the blanket over her head and try to pretend she was in another universe.

At age 8 Namjoo learned she was a mistake. An unintended pregnancy that forced her parents to tie the knot. It twisted her guts because she felt like the downfall in her parents’ lives. Two people who remained in a marriage neither cherished. Or maybe they were fond of each other before, Namjoo liked to imagine, before marriage taught them how they truly felt. Sometimes things were like that.

Whose fault was it that things fell down the rabbit hole? Was love slippery like ice? Something to tread carefully and slowly across in order to make it safely. Or was it like glass? Hold it close, don’t let it drop.

What was love?

Namjoo watched her mother endearingly hold hands with her new groom. Turn to face the officiator. Prepare to exchange vows.

Uninterested in their vows Namjoo stared at the grass beneath her feet, where her toes poked out from her opened toe heels. Her feet hurt. She just wanted to go home. Instead, she’d been forced to dress up as bridesmaid because she heard her new father’s daughter wasn’t interested. Why did it matter, Namjoo wanted to ask, if there was a bridesmaid or not? Neither adult wanted to throw a giant wedding for show. Yet they were here at the right wing of the botanical garden throwing some reception.

When her mother started her vows Namjoo blocked her out by thinking of her father who’d gone down south. Leaving her out of his new beginning. The actual reason why her parents broke up. A story of he said, she said. The answers had been vague when they told her they were splitting up.

“It’s just not working anymore.”

“Mom and dad just decided to go their own ways.”

Namjoo concluded by herself Kim Sua and Kim Youngho had cheated on each other. She wasn’t a simpleton. Society today caught on faster than the older generation did. She knew students around her age who got pregnant. Who may have slept with whom during summer vacation. Stories passed through the grapevine when the semester resumed. Namjoo heard of it all. She saw the signs when her father smelled like woman perfume. When her mother hid expensive gifts not even her father could afford.

So, what was love? Was it that easy?

Not even a year had passed since the divorce and her mother had hooked up with her new father. Some man she’d never heard of. Coming home to hear her mother say, “Put on a nice dress. We’re going to dinner.”

An evening where she sat staring out the window when she met her new-to-be family for the first time. A brother. A sister. A new father. None of whom she was very interested in.

Namjoo didn’t want a new family, but her mother craved for validation. The neighborhood women gossiped about her flashy mother. They talked about her expensive wardrobe. The brand name bags she flaunted around the tree lined homes. Calling her a clown for wearing makeup and deep shades of lipstick like she was still ten years younger. Was she not embarrassed?

“They’re just jealous,” her mother would snide in the privacy of their home. Planted in front of her vanity patting a cushion across her cheek. “Their husbands are stuck working at the factory mills and they’re picking up after everyone else.” Releasing a laugh of mockery, her mother resumed putting makeup on, “That’s what insecure woman do. They pick on others, so they won’t feel pathetic.”

About that Namjoo didn’t know what to say. Maybe her mother was right. Maybe she was wrong. The neighborhood women and her mother existed on two ends of the spectrum. Whilst they lived ordinary lives her mother seemed to seek for scrutiny the way she sought love around each corner; a man to make her feel important and needed. Perhaps her mother was the insecure one.

But today Kim Sua had done something that would change both their lives. She had gotten married and now Namjoo had two siblings she didn’t even know.

Awkward.

Low laughter erupted in her ears and a giant arm clapped her on the back. “You must be exhausted.”

Namjoo mustered what she hoped was a successful smile. “I’m ok.”

New father Kim Dushik grinned. Late 40’s or something. His hair was dyed a fresh black for today’s occasion. There were wrinkle lines around his mouth whenever he smiled and around the corner of his eyes. Otherwise his skin was smooth and appeared almost creamy. He was a handsome man. A type of look her mom would fancy.

“We’ll head on home soon.” He promised. Walking away he lifted his arm and called out, “Jongin! Lets get the chairs folded and put away…”

Namjoo walked away as his voice dimmed.

This new home mentioned to her was a two-story brick home. Concealed behind a concrete wall entered through a heavy black door. Her new family was generously wealthy. Another plus plus for her mother.

“Why isn’t this beautiful?” her mother mulled stepping out of the moving van with her.

Namjoo’s eyes glowed disbelief. From where she stood the home seemed to tower over her. Appearing like some lost artifact on a lone hill in the middle of nowhere. Three wide front windows glowed yellow like cat eyes. All she could see so far.

“Welcome home.” Her step father unlocked the steel door. “Go on in and look around. I’ll have your brother bring in your luggage.”

Drawn in by the mysterious new home, Namjoo began crossing the vast yard. Luscious green hidden in the dark but the moonlight shone on a swing hanging off a large Oak. Immediately catching her attention Namjoo stared. Saw herself riding it on a cozy day with the sun beaming down on her. The wind combing through her hair and she was smiling like one of those models in the commercials.

“My mom built it.” the younger sister, Dami, approached. “She was an architect. Before she died, I mean.”

Namjoo’s eyes swiveled in her direction. Flustered all she managed was, “O…oh…”

The