As the sun grazed against my skin, all I could think about was you. I could feel a small smile creeping across my face and couldn’t help but scoff at that thought. It has been a while since you crossed my mind, , and I hope that you’re doing well.

We never really talked, you and I. But when we do pass by each other, we’d bow slightly in respect and I’d see you glancing at me like how I had glanced at you. Interest. Affection. Despite never having communicated before, we had a mutual feeling radiating between us.

It wasn’t until one day when you bumped into me in college and I’d smile sheepishly at you. You were just so shy and gentle.

“Hi.”

You diverted your eyes away from me and slowly, very slowly, a tinge of pink flushed your cheeks. I couldn’t help myself but smile at your blushing.

“Hi,” you replied softly. You hesitated before going around me. I never got to ask for your name. At that point, I thought I might have done something wrong.

Break was the most boring thing for me; I’d sit idly somewhere where there’s barely anyone and just put my earphones in and listen to music for the next three hours while waiting for the next lecture. Ghosts by Banners just played and as I closed my eyes and laid my back against the wall, I imagined the good things in life. It was a sentimental piece but the song seemed fitting with the mood I was in. I opened my eyes just to have a glance around before closing them again but then, and just then, I saw you. When you walk, your posture is graced with poise and confidence. But the moment you saw me, you shrunk into a shy schoolgirl.

You stopped and tried to turn away but I caught up with you blocking your way. “Hey.”

You were glancing around bashfully, clearing embarrassed and puzzled… probably more towards the latter. Then I saw you straighten your back and looked at me directly in the eyes and gently said,”Hey.”

“Why’d you turn away?” I asked, genuinely curious and confused. I was holding onto my earphones and could hear the haunting song blaring through it. I hastily unplugged it tucking it into the front pocket of my jeans, my eyes never leaving you.

“I, uh… I ju— I gotta go,” you replied quietly, rushing to get past me but I grabbed your arm. You turned swiftly, surprised by my touch and immediately released my grip.

“Sorry. But hey, before you go, at least tell me your name.” I was conflicted that you’d tell me, but you did.

“ It’s ,” you replied. For the first time, you smiled at me. Even if it was a small smile, it was still a smile to me.

“My name’s Seonghwa. Park Seonghwa.” I smiled back in return and I could feel my heart skip a beat as your smile widened.

“I know.”

You walked away before I could say anything else, but what surprised me was that you said you knew my name. I never thought you’d know who I was but you did. Biting on my lower lip, I thought of ways I could possibly ask you out, and with the grace of hope, you would agree to it.

I’m back at the place where I took you out to dinner for the first time. The place had some renovations done so it looked pretty… lavish. I peeped inside and saw a few couples enjoying their dates and it got me reminded of us.

“Ah… miss those days,” I mumbled to myself. I stood there for a good couple of minutes, admiring the couples and wishing you were here with me to go on more dates just like this. Knowing that it can never happen anymore, I merely smiled and walked away.

I was compelled to visit the places we went to when we were together and it brought so much bittersweet memories. My most favourable one was our trip to the park. Recalling the time when you insisted on wearing your favourite flowy dress - which I also liked - knowing very well that the park was always windy. On that very unfortunate day, while we set the mat down, a gust of wind blew your dress away, revealing your undergarments. You caught it on time before more could be revealed. I remember seeing your super flushed face and you immediately sat down. Looking around to make sure no one saw that, I removed my jacket and laid it on top of your legs to cover up the slits that was revealing your legs. Till this day, I can never forget the cute but unfortunate incident.

Finding the exact spot we sat on for that date, I glanced around and let the breeze dance on my skin. I haven’t felt the strong breeze in a long time, . The feeling was warm on my skin and the smell… oh, the smell. It reminded me of you. , if you were here with me, I’d take you by the hands and have you dance with me in the middle of the park. Slowly, I opened my eyes and I could feel a lump in my throat.

Setting my bag down, I laid back on the grass and closed my eyes, imagining you beside me and lying in silence. We used to do this a lot when we were together. You’d always pester me to bring you here whenever we out for an evening stroll. I won’t lie, initially, I hated it because it was the same spot nearly every single day. But I realised that the more time I spend with you, the more I get to know you. You told me that the park was like your temple and that you find peace when you’re alone. You told me that the peace turned to warmth and comfort when I came into the picture, and I have never felt so relieved to hear that. I felt relieved because I wanted you to depend on me for emotional support, and I could depend on you for your resilience and determination.

When you opened up to me, I could feel myself falling harder and deeper for you. Ever since then, I brought you to the park when I could and the look of elation on your face really gives me butterfly feelings in my stomach.

Remember that one date we had… when we sat here, on this very same spot and we looked at the sun descending beyond the horizon? Do you remember? I asked you a question, a very important question. You looked at me with the most puzzling look on your face. I remembered it so well. So, so well.

“.”

“Yes, Seonghwa?” You asked me as you played with my fingers. You lifted your head from my shoulder and looked at me with your pretty brown eyes.

“.” I couldn’t stop myself from saying your name. It floats so beautifully and gently on my lips and I just wanted to kiss you right there and then.

You got a bit suspicious and gave a nervous laughter. “What? You’ve said my name twice but isn’t saying anything.”

Caressing your cheek, you took my hand and softly planted your face in it and smiled sweetly at me. It was that smile that got me falling in love with you. It was so gentle, so sincere… I never wanted to see that smile fade. Ever.

“We’ve been dating for about… six months now, yes?”

You took a moment to count and nodded your head while smiling. I couldn’t help but laugh at your cuteness.

“. Would you be my girlfriend?”

I held my breath as I asked that question. I wasn’t going to expect anything but I definitely hoped for the best. Your initial reaction was a little confusing and I could feel my heart started to sink.

“What?”

“I asked if you would be my girlfriend?” I swallowed really hard as I said that.

“Me? Girlfriend?”

“Yeah. Girlfriend.” I creased my bows and leaned back to take a closer look at you. You were shocked as hell and I felt bad for startling you. “Is there… something wrong?”

“What? No, oh God, no! I’m just… You’re…”

I watched as you stopped talking and then opening your mouth again to talk but shut it again. I watched you struggle as you tried to express your feelings to me. I reached over and held your hands, my eyes never leaving your face. My eyes were fixated on you and I watched as you nervously glanced around before setting your eyes on me. Caressing your hands gently, you slowly calmed down and took a deep breath.

“I’m what, ?” I asked softly, not wanting to scare you anymore.

You hesitated but eventually succumbed and said,”You’re the first guy to ever ask me to be his girlfriend.”

Surprised and speechless, I raised my brows and laughed lightly. “Why are you laughing?”

“I’m sorry. I just… It’s cute and funny.”

You pouted slightly and that intensified my laugh. I’ve never seen you sulk like that ever and that made you look even cuter.

Oh, God. I missed your face.

I turned to you with a smile on my face and slowly could feel myself turning serious again.

“Would you?”

“Hm?”

I was staring intently at you and you stared back. It was some brief moment of silence and we were just looking at each other; me waiting for an answer and you deciding what to answer. While waiting, the very same song I was listening to when I first came to talk to you, was playing from my phone on the mat.

Can’t touch the stars, can’t make them shine

But you know I’ll try

“I… I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to answer me now, but just give it some thought, alright?”

You sat in silence and gave me a weak smile and I didn’t want to pressure you, so I just cuddled you again. You laid your head on my chest and as I was your hair, you spoke up.

“What if I wasn’t fit to be your girlfriend?”

I stopped caressing your hair and looked down at you who, in turned to look up at me. “What?”

You sat up and looked at me with a worried look. “What if… I wasn’t the ideal girlfriend? What if I messed things up with you?”

You truly amazed me, . As I recalled that moment, all I could think about was how paranoid you were about being a bad girlfriend.

“, we’ve been dating for six months. If you were going to be a bad girlfriend, would I ask you to be my girlfriend?”

You were speechless for a moment. “D-Do you want me to be your girlfriend?”

“Only if you want to. But I would love for you to be my girlfriend, .” I said softly, caressing your flushed cheek.

“Ask me again.”

“What?”

“Ask me… again.”

Initially confused, I sat on my knees while facing you and you did the same. Calming my nerves down, I smiled at you and you giggled.

“, would you be my girlfriend?”

Still giggling, you nodded your head a couple of times and embraced me. When you pulled away from me, I cupped your face and pulled you in for a kiss. Our first kiss.

I felt warm crystals streaming down my face as I recalled our official moment. I totally forgot I had my earphones plugged in, playing the same song that was playing when I first talked to you and when I asked you to be my girlfriend. I stared up at the sky as the song continued to play on, playing a verse that made me bawl my eyes out.

Oh, hard to believe

It’s said and done, hard to believe

It’s not dead and gone

I want to believe

All is well that ends well

But I just can’t convince myself

Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to do it? Why didn’t you come to me when you needed help? I promised you I’d protect you, didn’t I? I can’t stop blaming myself for your demise, but everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t yours either. I was hellbent on keeping you safe and protected but I had failed you.

Thirteen months in and I still can’t forget the traumatising sight that I had witnessed when I went over to your house. You laid motionless in the bathtub with the water still running and your blood infused with the water. You had a razor in your other hand and I grabbed it out of your grip. I wailed as I pulled your body out of the water and hugged your limp body. I was beyond distraught.

“I could have tried if you let me,” I croaked as I sobbed so hard I was out of breath.

But you know I’ll try

For you I’ll try

The song was coming close to an end and I was running out of tears to cry. At that exact moment, I received a text message from Hongjoong.

“Hwa, where are you, man? We’re worried… come home and we’ll talk, alright?”

I can’t even remember how long I’ve been staring at that text message, but it was long enough for me to think of a response.

“I’m fine. Just at the park… chilling.”

Within seconds, Hongjoong called me and I was reluctant to answer it.

“Joong, I don’t–”

“Seonghwa. I know. I know you’re not in the mood to talk but please, let me try. Please?”

Sighing deeply, I said,”Fine.”

“How are you doing, buddy?”

“Fine.”

“You don’t sound fine. I can tell when you’re lying, Hwa.” I just kept my silence and Hongjoong broke it. “It’s about , isn’t it?”

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. With a faint sob, I pulled the phone away and continued bawling my eyes out. Hongjoong understood me the most, and for him to know that I still wasn’t over your demise, it just frustrates me. But at the same time, it relieves me.

“Hwa? Hey buddy, talk to me.”

I could hear Joong’s voice from the phone and let myself to calm down for a minute before resuming my talk with him. Wiping my tears away, I picked up the phone and cleared my throat.

“I’m here, Joong.” I tried so hard to pretend that I was fine, when I clearly know that I wasn’t. But Joong would always find ways to help me relax.

“Hwa. It’s been thirteen months. I know you’re still hurting, because I am too, but you have got to pull yourself together.”

“She was all I ever had, Joong. But she did it. She left me… forever.”

“Hwa, Seonghwa. Listen to me. She never left you. Never. She loved you so dearly, she was willing to die for you. Whatever happened to her, it isn’t your fault. You have got to stop blaming yourself, Seonghwa. would never want to see you this way.”

I was quiet for a minute and sniffling loudly, I closed my eyes and massaged my temples with my free hand. “What do you want me to do?”

I could see Hongjoong sighing in the background and I know he was frustrated with my stubbornness.

“Even if I do tell you what to do, you never really listens to me.”

“I’ll try.” My voice was so hoarse, I could barely utter more words. “Hongjoong, I’ll try. I promise.”

“You have got to move on, Seonghwa. I know you’re still hung up about her death but it’s been thirteen months. You can’t keep holding onto it. would have wanted you to live on and find love again. I understand that she’s the only one who has made you special, but you’ve got to accept this. Acceptance is a step towards recovery, Hwa. Accept that she’s gone, accept that this is reality. Besides the occasional bawling, you’re doing great, Seonghwa. And I, and the others are proud of you.”

“You are?”

I could hear Hongjoong’s light chuckle and that made me smile. “Yeah, I am.”

“Come home, bud. We can talk over white wine and get through this together, alright? But I need you to let this go, Hwa.”

“Alright. I’ll let it go.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I-I’ll see you at home, ‘kay?”

“Sure thing. Be safe, hm? See ya, later.”

We hung up soon after and I just laid there on the mat for a good twenty minutes. I could feel my eyes swelling up and it was starting to make me sleepy. As I was messing around with the necklace chain around my neck, I touched on something familiar. Slowly opening up my eyes, I glanced to see it was the ring you got me for my 20th birthday. Engraved in the ring were our initials. It was the only memory I have left of you.

Joong was right. I was still hung up on your death. I just couldn’t accept the fact that you were gone. You left me alone and I felt betrayed… But even though you left me, I never stopped loving you.

With great courage, I got up and walked over to the river fence. Tugging on my necklace, I yanked it off and stared it one last time. I wanted to cry again but I held it in. I gave it one last kiss and with great force, lunged it into the air and watched as it descended into the river. At that moment, I felt relieved. Relieved from pain and trauma. Smiling up at the sky, I uttered the last few words that I hope you’d hear.

“I love you, . Always have and always will.”