Two days since Chorong’s return to the house and honestly, it’s just the same old.

Nothing has changed. Well—besides the events of post-Christmas that left an odd hole between the housemates. But that hole is fixed now. The group chat is alive. There is more chatter, more random things and everything is starting to look a lot brighter.

It is finally time for the winter break: a whole month in late February until late March, where the spring semester commences. Final examinations ended last week. First and second-year students have it hard with many subjects crammed together so it’s quite a wonder how Namjoo and Hayoung managed to pull through with Valentines.

Third and final year students have it easier with lesser electives, more room for thesis and all they have to look forward is just internships. In a flash, they will be graduating soon. Naeun doesn’t have to worry about anything because she already has a permanent place at her father’s company. But Bomi does. Eunji too. These two don’t even have time to think about it yet with everything that’s happening.

The only person who has it all covered is Chorong: she’s already compiled her portfolio and sent applications to ten companies.

On a weekend afternoon, the housemates are gathered at the common area and spending the day away with a movie marathon. The reason being—it’s been a long time since they had a ‘bonding’ activity like this and well, it’s still cold outside. But no one is really paying attention to the screen.

“You’re not heading back to Suwon?”

Namjoo asks with surprise as she looks at Bomi. Hayoung is seated beside her, head resting on her shoulder with eyes busy on the phone.

Bomi gives her a smug look and says, “Sometimes, you have to be a bad daughter and not go home,” while wrapping her arms around Naeun who is too preoccupied reading her book.

“Wait…” Namjoo pauses and paces her eyes between the two. “Okay, I know you guys are dating like officially, but…” She points at Naeun. “Isn’t it like a compulsory thing for you to go home every semester break? Like a fancy limousine will be parked at the porch and some sketchy dude in a suit will be waiting outside.”

Naeun puts her book down. “Well, sometimes you have to be a bad daughter and not go home.” She repeats what Bomi says as the two laugh and give each other a high five.

“That’s my girlfriend!”

Girlfriend.

It’s such a new word to say. So fresh to come out of . But it’s a word that makes Bomi happy.

Namjoo simply rolls her eyes at the happy couple and mumbles a “whatever”. Instead, she turns her attention to Hayoung. Smiling softly at her “girlfriend” who is super distracted with her phone, it’s better like this—keeping their relationship a secret. It’s not that they are scared or anything. Just that—Bomi and Naeun beat to them first. And obviously, having not one, but two relationships announced around the same time might be too much to handle.

So, Namjoo and Hayoung decide to keep it hush for now. After all, they are pretty new and have yet to move on a deeper level in their relationship. Bomi and Naeun on the other hand seem pretty experienced anyway.  

“Argh, I was so close!” Hayoung groans as she puts down her phone. Her character on PUBG Mobile was eliminated after being ranked top ten. Instead of starting a new round, she decides to close it and turn to Namjoo.

“What?” Namjoo asks as Hayoung raises her head and looks at her.

“Nothing.” The girl grins and whispers to her ear, “I just wanted to look at my pretty girlfriend.”

Namjoo chuckles and whispers back, “Say that louder and everyone is going to know that there’s something going on between us.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Chorong asks as she stretches her legs.

The movie is about to end and the girl is tired. She looks over at Eunji lounging on the beanie. She smiles because it’s obvious that her roommate has fallen asleep a long time ago. That explains why it’s been so quiet.

“O-Oh, nothing. Nothing at all, unnie!” Hayoung says while trying hard not to seem obvious. Chorong gives her a suspicious eyebrow raised look but doesn’t bother to pry further. Instead, she gets up from the couch and stretches her arms.

“Anyways.” She says. “I’m going to take a nap. But I’m not going to take her up with me.” She points at Eunji.

“You can literally carry her up no problem unnie.” Hayoung says.

“You are avoiding her, aren’t you?” Namjoo adds.

“Can you two just make up already?” Bomi continues.

“It isn’t that hard.” Naeun follows.

Chorong sighs at her four housemates.

“I get it. I will. Okay? Just…give me some time.”

She mumbles and puts her hands into her pockets. She walks quietly upstairs and escapes into the room. Once they hear the door close, everyone immediately goes over to Eunji and shakes her awake. It’s pretty vicious with four people moving her, but it works.

“Geez, what the is up?” Eunji groans. She pauses and blinks at her housemates. “…Why are you all surrounding me like that?”

“Chorong just went upstairs to her room.” Hayoung says.

“And she wants to talk to you.” Namjoo lies.

“But she doesn’t want to wake you up.” Bomi continues with the lie.

“So, we all decided to do the job instead.” Naeun joins in.

Eunji gets up immediately. She scratches her head and rests her hand on her waist. “Oh. Is that so?” She mumbles and goes to the stairs. “Thanks for waking me up, then.” The girl waves her hand and heads up.

The four give each other a high-five and hope that all goes well for the two.

Just moments after Chorong closes the door, it opens again to Eunji coming in. This surprises the roommate as she stands there, staring at her.

“Weren’t you sleeping?” She asks.

Eunji blinks at her confused. “Yeah. I was.” She leans against the door, arms crossed. “But Namjoo said you wanted to talk to me.”

Chorong sighs and mumbles something about wanting to strangle Namjoo. But Eunji doesn’t hear that. Instead, the girl is standing there and waiting for her to speak. She knows. They both know. That eventually, they will have to talk. To come into contact with what happened. No more running away.

There is a long moment of silence and lots of quiet staring until Eunji decides to go first.

“I’m not mad about him. Whoever he is.” She stops and looks away.

The memory of his face jogs in and gives off an unpleasant feeling. Chorong notices and motions her to come in. Eunji follows and closes the door behind. But she keeps a distance between Chorong and stays close to the wall.

“I know. You don’t have to talk about it. Whatever happened. Whoever that was. But. You. I—”

Eunji stops again and looks down. She clenches her fist, hating herself because these words aren’t coming out as easy as she thought. Chorong waits patiently for her to continue. She inhales a breath and says,

 “I would never hurt you. I’m sorry if you think that I would. And I understand why you would think so. But I won’t be like him. I will not be like him.” She stresses her tone in the final line and looks directly at Chorong’s eyes.

“I know.” Chorong nods once and approaches closer to her roommate.  “Changsub. His name is Changsub.”

There is more that she wants to say. But the more she thinks about him, the more she is reminded about her past. Her chest gets tight at the thought. About having to love someone that makes you want to hate yourself, to feel so small under him and to feel truly alone.

Chorong realises that she might just cry. Eunji notices the sign but just as she’s about to open , Chorong continues.

“I know you aren’t him. You are different. And so much better than him. But Changsub was someone I loved and cared about. And I know I would not let someone like him to manipulate me again. But to trust someone again, to give someone my whole heart…I don’t know if I can be ready. I’m scared. I’m afraid. I’m…”

“You’re brave.” Eunji cuts in. “You’re strong. You’re confident. You…” She brushes her hands over Chorong’s cheek. “…are amazing.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.” Eunji insists and give her a sad smile. “Thank you for telling me that.” She lets go and turns her heel around, back facing her. “I know it must have taken a lot to say it all and I appreciate that.”

Chorong catches the change in tone of Eunji’s voice.

“You’re still mad.”

Eunji sighs. “I don’t really know what I am. Or what I am feeling. But we? Us? We are not okay. We can’t just go back to—whatever we were before.” Eunji says as she opens the door.

“…I’m sorry.”

Eunji looks over her shoulder and nods. “It’s okay.” She closes the door shut and Chorong feels the empty air fill the room.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. But it isn’t easy for the both of them to be “okay”.

She knows somewhere along the line, there is going to be a big fight with Eunji. Something that has to do with hitting each other, shouting at each other and tears shed in the process. But for some reason, she thinks that fighting her isn’t worth. That it will make nothing in process of their current relationship. If anything, it might worsen it.

A day after Chorong talks to Eunji, she receives an email: one of the ten companies she applied for internship has called her in for an interview.

xxx

Usually, spring break meant going back home or taking up part-time jobs to fill in the time. But that was so many years ago when the oldest members were barely into college life.

For the first time, Namjoo makes a resolution: she is going to submit her club resignation form. This is to make more time for Hayoung and also to strike a new balance in life.

Naeun leaves her family surprised when their one and only daughter doesn’t come back home. Word has already spread that she broke up with Taemin and perhaps, that’s how they all came into a conclusion that she needed some “alone” time for herself. Boy, were they all wrong.

The girl is at the happiest point of her life, spending every single day until the break is over with the love of her life; Bomi. They plan to go on a road trip together for two weeks and have their own private vacation alone.

As for Eunji, she doesn’t have anywhere to go. Ever since her distant uncle paid a visit, she’s decided not to return to Busan. So, she’s stuck here in the house. Her leg isn’t exactly recovered yet and she still has to go therapy every week or so—that’s the only excuse she tells to herself.

The only problem is—having to see Chorong every other day. It feels as if the gods are forcing the two to make up.

Chorong has no reason to stay. She’s always a filial daughter back home. But when her sister says she’s not going back with the reason that they already did during Seollal, she too, decides to follow suit. Their parents are surprisingly chill with the daughters not coming back during the break, so that’s one problem solved.

The other problem—is Eunji.

For some reason, there’s a tense energy surrounding the house. Amidst the two couples who are happily in their own world, it’s so obvious that there is one that has yet to find that ending. Unable to stand watching Chorong and Eunji avoid each other like they are the plague, Namjoo calls a meeting with everyone without the said two.

“Okay. I’m calling this plan: make the two depressed gays happy again.”

Namjoo announces as the four are gathered around the table. Chorong is away hanging out with her friends a.k.a Solar and Moonbyul. Eunji is off to therapy.

“You mean biuals.” Naeun corrects.

“I’m using an umbrella term but anyways. We need a plan because the longer I see those two being so gloomy, it feels so suffocating to watch them!” Namjoo groans.

“Shall we just shove those two in a locked cupboard until they make up?” Bomi suggests. Hayoung laughs and jokingly agrees to the idea. Naeun shakes her head. Namjoo gives her a “you can’t be serious” look.

Bomi shrugs and says, “Well, any better ideas?”

“Okay, first of all.” Hayoung places her hand on the table.

“We don’t even know what’s the problem. All we know is those two went out on a date during Christmas. Car hit Eunji. Chorong ran away. Eunji wakes up and is mad as . Two months later, Chorong randomly shows up and suddenly, everything is back to normal.”

“Normal, you say.” Namjoo eyes at her suspiciously.

“Okay, not normal.” Hayoung corrects herself.

“But if you look at it closely, it’s technically Chorong’s fault for running away.” Naeun says.

“We shouldn’t be taking sides.” Bomi argues. “Eunji’s in the wrong too for being so sulky and moody. It’s been two months. Why can’t she just get it over?”

“Not that easy when you say it. Love is a sensitive thing.” Namjoo says as she pats her chest.

“Let’s throw a party then.” Hayoung suggests out of nowhere. Everyone stares at her.

“W-What? Don’t look at me like that. Parties are the best time to fix problems.”

“Are you just finding an excuse to have fun during the semester break?” Bomi eyes on her.

“No, no! I’m serious! I think holding a party can force those two together…somehow.” Hayoung waves her hands around.

“Alright. Let’s hold a party.” Namjoo supports her idea. Hayoung grins and stares at the other couple. They exchange looks and nod.

“Okay. Let’s hold a party.” Bomi says.

xxx

The party comes on a short notice.

Apparently, a lot more people did not go home for the holidays than expected. But it’s a pretty decent party without much wilding. There’s a nice balance between Hayoung’s 96-line group of friends, Namjoo’s club members and Bomi’s own clan from the dance club. Solar and Moonbyul are around as well, with a surprising entry of Eunji’s gang too.

It’s quite a breather to see everyone having a good time, as if they have forgotten the horrors of last Christmas.

Hayoung and Namjoo are playing a game of Mario Kart together as their friends cheer them on. Bomi and Naeun are dancing in the corner with the rest of couples in their own world. Chungha seems to be flirting with Sunmi—Bomi’s senior from dance club. Yerin, Sooyoung, Suho and Leo are drinking together, a rather odd combination.

This leaves two people left who aren’t really feeling the vibe of this party—Chorong and Eunji.

It’s not like they had a say in this anyway. The majority vote won. So, Eunji has her hand full with a shot of vodka. She lingers around the common area, making small conversations with the guests. But every single time whenever she draws her attention away, Eunji cannot help but to find her eyes on that girl. Even though she doesn’t want to.

Chorong.

She’s seated at her favourite counter, all alone with a glass of beer. Quite a typical sight. Now, Eunji doesn’t know why her legs are magically walking towards her, as if there is a magnetic force pulling her there. The girl quietly slips into the seat beside, arm stiffly resting on top.

“It’s pretty noisy, isn’t it?”

Eunji asks. Chorong shrugs in reply as she tilts her glass around, attention on the bubbles rising upwards. It’s easy to pretend that they are okay in front of everyone. This isn’t the first time they’ve had a fallout. But now, Chorong doesn’t even give her smile. Even when Eunji is trying so hard.

At that moment, Suho jostles Eunji and bumps into Chorong. He tumbles onto the floor, slightly tipsy as Leo clowns him for being a weak drinker. All while that happens, Eunji’s arm catches Chorong more instinctively than ever. Hand gently holding onto her back. Their eyes meet. There is a soft grip on her elbow as Chorong keeps her balance steady.

For a second, they freeze. Faces a little too close. Eunji can smell the same lavender shampoo that Chorong uses. She lands her eyes on Chorong’s lips. She gulps, almost wanting to kiss it. And then, Chorong drops her arms. The spell breaks.

When Chorong awkwardly turns around, something breaks inside Eunji and she leaves. The girl storms out to the backdoor, exiting into the small garden behind the laundry room. This little space outside where she can breathe in the fresh air, makes her feel blissfully alone for a moment. She’s away from the party noises. Her view is different with the row of houses overlooking the hills below.

Then, she hears the crunch of grass behind. Eunji freezes. But she turns around slightly and finds Chorong. Her heart jumps at and she returns back to the front. There is this lingering tension in the air.

“You’re right. We aren’t okay.” Chorong says as her words cut sharply into the air. She straightens her posture stiffly, all while keeping a distance with Eunji.  “Look at us trying to act like we’re fine when we’re not. You’re still as pissed as ever.”

Eunji feels Chorong’s gaze on her back. She doesn’t turn to look at her. Instead, the girl feels her eyes water. Everything inside her is just boiling up. This makes her feel so ashamed because she never cries. Not even in a dumb situation like this.

The last time Eunji cried, she remembers the stinging slap her uncle gave her and how he yelled at her for being useless. A burden. It is a pain that still stays there on her cheek, still beating with that heat.

Chorong notices the lack of response from Eunji and takes one small step forward. When Eunji hears that next crunch of the grass, she finally builds the wall between the two of them.

“I thought you were dead.” She snaps. It’s a voice that punches deep.

Eunji sniffles as its sound disappears into the chilly night. She quickly wipes her tears away. The music from the party can still be heard. But out here, in this little, private space, it’s just the two of them. Alone.

“I woke up in a hospital bed alone and nobody would tell me where the you were. Everyone said you left. So, I thought he killed you. Do you get that? That in that moment, I never once spent a moment thinking about how fortunate I was to be alive because all I could think was that you were ing—gone.” Eunji exhales. “Forever.”

Chorong stands there frozen. For a moment, she contemplates about leaving this place. To run away again, like before. At the rate this is going, it will never end well. But she remembers all the nagging Solar has told her. She remembers everyone who reminds her that this is her fault to begin with. And she must end this, herself.

“I didn’t know that.” Chorong says as she chews her words. “I just—couldn’t be there.” She mumbles, everything that processes out of just comes out in a jumble.

“Yeah, so the best option was to leave me there like garbage. That’s what you did.” Eunji scoffs and finally turns around to look at Chorong straight in the eye. This time, she isn’t crying. Although her eyes are red, but she is furious. Mad. Angry.

“What? That’s not what happened.” This time, it’s Chorong turn to snap. She hates the fact that Eunji’s jumping straight into conclusions. She shakes her head.

“I called the ambulance, waited with you, had my hand on your pulse the whole time because you were covered in blood!” She exhales. “There was no one else at the street. If I left, you’d be the one dead instead.”

“Bull.” Eunji calls out like a dare and takes a step forward. Fists clenched. But Chorong stands firm, not at all intimidated or frightened.

“Don’t do this.” Chorong says lowly with a glare. “You have no ing idea what I went through. I know what he’s like.” She sighs. “ Eunji, the reason why I stayed away from you is because he would too! If he knows where I’m at, he will definitely come after you and kill you.”

“Is that a threat? Does it look like I’m afraid of some who isn’t afraid to commit a crime? Come on, Chorong. You know me better than that.”

“It wasn’t just that.” Chorong waits and sighs again. She shakes her head once more. “You—I can’t say everything. About him.”

Eunji knows.

She knows Chorong better than anyone and hates confronting people. The fact that she’s still standing so strong and firm in front of her, already requires so much courage and effort. The girl definitely has to give her props for that. It’s hard to constantly push Chorong to her limits, to corner the girl and press all the buttons, see where they go.

Because Eunji feels worse when she sees Chorong’s eyes well up in tears. She notices that her legs are shivering. Hands shaking out of anxiety and fear. She suddenly looks so small in her view.

“Look. I wanted to stay.” Chorong confesses, her voice slowly breaking apart.

“Then you should’ve.” Eunji cuts in coldly. The fire that is burning her heart, aches so much.

Chorong gives her a silent nod, as if an admit of defeat. She’s waving the white flag. This makes Eunji annoyed. Frustrated that Chorong doesn’t push on, doesn’t keep fighting. She knows that her roommate is trying so hard to make things go back the way they were before. But it’s impossible now. That hope is never going to happen.

Eunji sees it now. She understands where their relationship will go. And perhaps, Chorong was right all along. They will never work out. It’s just going to be like this.

Somewhere along the way, Chorong and Eunji will continue acting like they’re fine in front of everyone. Once they disappear into the working world, the roommates will leave the house and find their own places. Eventually, Chorong will find and date another person who deserves her love so much more. Eunji too, will find her own but it will never be the same.

Years down the line, they’ll probably meet up for a reunion and Chorong is going to say, “You know, we both once had a fling for each other” like it’s some fun, trivial fact about her. And that will kill Eunji inside because she’ll pretend to be alright. To be okay that this love that she’s always wanted, never really came true since the beginning.

“You were right.” Eunji nods slowly as she exhales. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise.”

Chorong stares at her as if the whole world broke down.

“Dating me is a bad idea because I’ve been nothing but a burden to you.”

Those words stab into Chorong’s chest that she could barely breathe. As much as she wants to stop her, to tell her that it’s not her fault, but she can’t move. She stays there and watches Eunji walk past her. Their shoulders bump into each other. But her roommate doesn’t even bat an eye at her.

“Eunji. Wait!” She calls out desperately.

But Eunji doesn’t stop. She opens the door as the loud party music can be heard once more. Then, she slams it shut. In an instant, the silence returns and becomes empty in this space where Chorong is standing.

Empty and lonely.

xxx

Bomi catches Eunji coming out from the laundry room. Their eyes meet and in an instant, she knows something’s wrong. She taps lightly onto Naeun’s lap and is more than an enough signal to tell her that’s she’s going somewhere. The girl follows Eunji upstairs and stops her by the hallway.

“You look like .” Bomi says jokingly, even though its obvious that she’s worried.

Eunji sighs and rubs her eyes. “Yeah, I do kind of look like .” She looks at Bomi. “You look better than ever. Things must be going well with Naeun huh?”

It hurts a little more when Eunji says that. Not that she’s jealous with how happy Bomi with Naeun. No, she is genuinely happy that the two of them finally managed to get everything sorted out. It’s just that, sometimes, she wishes that piece of happiness could be shared with Chorong too.

Not like this.

“Yeah, we’re gone a lot of dates and are leaving for a weekend road trip. But enough about me.” Bomi shakes her head slowly and grabs onto Eunji’s shoulder. “You can’t just say you’re okay. I can read through your lies.”

Eunji chuckles and nods. She gives up. Putting this act that she’s okay. “I think Chorong and I are done.” She confesses with a heavy sigh and covers her face with her hand.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Bomi frowns. She looks at her friend for a long moment. “Do you want to be done with her?”

Eunji leans back against the wall and holds her head. It feels somewhat heavy. “I don’t really know anymore. I just want—” She pauses and realises that she can’t say it.

She can’t tell Bomi that all she wants is to be with Chorong.

That all that matters right now, isn’t about ing graduating and getting a job in the future. Screw it. Eunji only wants to be with Chorong, to be with someone of her own. Someone she can call her home. Someone she can feel comfortable and feel small whenever she needs too.

There is something about Chorong that makes her different from everyone else. No, it isn’t just her strong personality or the way she charms easily with her smile. It’s everything about her.

A memory comes.

First year Jung Eunji getting fully wasted with a senior who tried to hit on Chorong. She challenged him to eleven shots of vodka and the last one standing, wins. The man collapses within the eighth and Eunji is crowned winner. Thing is, Chorong had given her this look mixed between half-amused and half-proud.

When she fell to her knees, head spinning, Chorong comes to her first, all worried and offers to carry her to bed. Usually, the Jung Eunji refuses and never lets anyone show her weak side. But when it comes to Chorong, she gives in completely. Head rested on this warm, beating chest. Ears carefully hearing her synchronised breathing. The comforting smell of that lavender shampoo.

She’s in love.

Ever since that drinking night, there is always this little look of pride on Chorong whenever Eunji is challenged to another drinking game. And every time she does, Eunji has this sudden fuel of energy and motivation to win. This determination to keep showing and proving Chorong that she can continue to be proud of her. And maybe, one day, she’ll agree to be hers.

That was the catch. This unaccounted game that started between the two of them.

“Eunji.”

Bomi calls her after realising that she’s been quiet for too long. She sighs and pulls her friend into a hug. She pats her back gently.

“I want you to know that Chorong doesn’t want to be done with this either. None of us do as well.” She pulls back and gives her a smile. “That girl might be really damn stubborn but she’s trying hard. She’s lying a lot. Because even I know that she loves you. She ing loves you, Eunji.

Bomi playfully rustles Eunji’s head and heads back downstairs. Eunji stays there and watches her friend leave. She presses her head against the wall. Looks up at the glaring ceiling lights and sighs. Maybe she needs some space to think all this through.

Even though she wants to call it quits, her heart doesn’t want to give up yet. No matter how many times she prefers to jump off that rope, she continues to cling onto it tightly.

The day after the party, Chorong receives an email: the company that she went for the interview has accepted her internship application. But on one condition.

She is to move to their branch in Daegu.

--

a/n: guess hayoung's plan of holding a party to fix eunrong's problem just backfired huh :) hajoo keeping their relationship from everyone, bona having their happy days and chorong is accepted for an internship but it's all the way in daegu....meaning she's going to have to leave the house... thank you for reading and see you in the next update soon~