Irene did not know how she managed to get home after the dreadful meeting with Krystal. Nor did she remembered how she managed to will her tears not to spill on the way. Maybe because she wanted to see her wife as much as possible. Like Seulgi is her much-needed oxygen in a sea of agony she is submerged in. As soon as she arrived at the house, she was greeted by Jisoo who is in the living room drinking a cup of coffee.

“How was she?” She eagerly asked as her eyes landed on her wife’s friend.

“Much better than last night. Just a slight fever. Nothing a good rest and a couple of fever meds can’t cure.” This caused her to heave a sigh of relief.

“Thank you so much for looking after her while I’m gone and for the immediate response last night. I owe you a lot.”

“She woke up earlier and was looking for you. She was quite frantic I must say. Good thing I managed to assure her that you were just out to tie some loose ends on the company and would be back in a while. Once I’ve given her the meds she was knocked out cold once again. She will be out in a few hours, 2 to 3 at most. I hope by that time, you already settled everything you need to do.” She just gave a curt nod because truthfully she doesn’t know what to say. Because as far as the meet-up with Krystal went, she did not manage to completely settle everything. Instead, she is given another precadiment, another hurdle she needs to face. Jisoo must’ve sensed her worry and was quick to offer a hand on her shoulder.

“I know your situation with Seulgi and Krystal is not going well but just hang in there. Trust in Seulgi and your love for her. Things are not easy for her too. But I can see that she loves you. She is such a good person who doesn’t want to hurt another soul so she is really torn right now. I know it is not much but I’m rooting for you two. Byul Unnie and the others night not but I am. I and my wife do. I saw how much you love Seulgi and I know that she loves you too. If Krystal managed to pull her out of that dark place she was in before then I know that you could too. Especially you.” Irene just mutter words of thanks at Jisoo who then bid goodbye at the excuse of going to the hospital for her shift.

Once the girl was out of the door, Irene ponders on her words not just from earlier but from last night too. Her curiosity growing by the minute especially when she looks back at Krystal's words.

It’s high time you find out the things that Seulgi went through before from her won mouth. Your wife is keeping a journal. It’s something I ask her to do to cope up with everything she is feeling before. The journal is stored in some kind of safe and the key is in a necklace she always wore. The safe is in her room. Don’t tell me how I know about this. I and Seulgi are much closer than you would think even if you two are married. I know things that’s why I’ll never hand her to you. If you really love her then you must let her go to the one who will love her as much as she deserves. Goodbye Irene Bae.

As she pondered on the girl’s word, she then remembered that weird-looking necklace that she got when Seulgi’s things from the accident have been handed to her. Without as much as a second of delay, she went into Seulgi’s room and retrieve the object from one of the bedside drawers of her wife. There as if waiting for her, she saw and got hold of the necklace. As she inspected it and she sees how the round part can be twisted like a screw. She eagerly unscrews it causing it to detach and reveal a hollow opening on the mechanism. She then tilts and spills the content of the cylinder, a metal key with a heart-shaped head. Much like those ancient keys in dramas. Once she got hold of the object, she wasted no time and looked around every nook of the room to find a safe where the key would possibly go into, as what Krystal told her to. She tried the bed, the closet, the drawers, and even the bathroom but to no avail. She almost gave up and thought that the girl is just ing with her mind. That is until she came upon a tiny hole at the side of Seulgi’s bookshelf. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest as she holds the key and tried to put it inside. A perfect fit. As she pushes the key and upon reaching how far it could go, she twists it then heard a small click as a metal handle appears in the middle. As she reached out and hold the handle, her heart has been thumping wilder than before. Much more so when she pulls and revealed yet another hollow opening housing a leather-bound notebook inside. She eagerly grabbed it before sitting on the bed. The notebook appears a little old and worn out.  As she held the book in her hand, Irene knows that whatever she found inside would break her heart into millions of pieces. But for her wife, she would gladly endure such suffering.

***

The first entries would be just a typical diary. She would briefly write how her day went. The things she did during the day. Do some homework, study for an exam, and spend time with her friends. She introduced her friends one by one. It’s like, it is something that she did for a school project. As she is reading the words, Irene felt a little pang when Seulgi did not even mention her name in it. She mentioned her friends, Byul, Jisoo, Wendy, and an unfamiliar one called Joe. Even Krystal is written as a classmate who randomly told her to write whatever troubling her mind in the notebook. Basically hinting that she is the one who encouraged Seulgi to make the journal. She continued reading and almost lose hope.

That is until the entries started being deep and emotional.

-Do you know what the most painful word in the world is?

For me, I might say it is the word

Almost

Come to think of it. It's something that is within your grasp yet you cannot attain. A dream that is within your reach yet you cannot fulfill. A beautiful love story that never has been written.

I am yours yet

You are just almost mine...

But you Bae Joohyun is the most beautiful almost that happened to me. 

Maybe we are just not meant to be. At least not in this lifetime. But I’m still thankful that I met you. At least I’ve known the extent of what I can do if I love someone. The extent of what I am willing and could endure just for that love.        

Irene felt devastated. Reading her name but also reading the words Seulgi wrote together with it left an unpleasant taste in . The way Seulgi seems to have completely lost faith that she would return her then-wife’s feeling is such a bitter pill to swallow.

- I read a Chinese poem once and a few lines of it struck me a lot

The farthest distance in the world is not between life and death,

It's me being right in front of you yet you don't know that I love you...

And at the back of my mind, I somehow felt envious of the author...

Because at the end of the day, there is always the possibility of the girl loving him back once she is made aware of his feelings for her. There is always that silent hope that once she gathers enough courage to confess then there is that chance that his love can be reciprocated.

While for me... I can only hope because I know that I can never attain what I want. Despite knowing my real feelings, I know you will never love me back.

-Isn't it sad when you get hurt so much that you can finally say that I am used to it?

A lot of people say that I need to at least try to be happy and move on.

But how can I, when every blissful memory that I have is always tied to you?

Birthdays...

Outings...

Movie nights...

Graduation...

Achievements...

You were always there with me

Is it wrong to wish to just lose my memory so I will not be plagued by the pain of remembering the moments that we had?

Moments that I’m sure I can never experience again.

Irene found the statement poignant because in the end Seulgi really did lose her memory and as much as she doesn’t want to, a part of her believes that maybe it is her fault why. Maybe because she hurt Seulgi to the point that she just wanted to forget everything to get rid of the pain. And Irene found her cheeks drenched in tears at the realization.

- You are everywhere except right here with me,

I always see you…

In the kitchen fixing me some snacks

In the living room watching some sappy romantic films

In my room, helping me do homework...

In my bed, during our sleepovers...

Or simply just beside me...

But as soon as I blink... Reality slaps me with the truth that the Joohyun I saw will always just be a memory.

A bittersweet memory.

Irene finds it harder and harder to breathe as she delves deeper into Seulgi’s thoughts. It’s as if her wife is there pouring her heart out with every word she has written, the older can just read in despair as she felt her heartbreak slowly and painfully with every word she is reading.

-  I don’t miss you when you are gone, quite the opposite in fact

I miss you because you are here, every minute of every day in my heart

I don't miss you because I want you back, but I miss you because you n