"How sure are you? That you're not...?"

I don't know.

"Let me know when you find out."

When I find out, huh...

A woman... liking another woman...

I've never really liked a guy. Not even once. Not in the way I imagine it must feel to truly fall in love with someone. But why do I keep telling myself that it's "yet"? It'll be the next guy, maybe the next.. but who am I kidding? I'm not even that interested in them to begin with.

I thought something was wrong with me, so I pretended. But pretending never turned things into a reality. I wasn't in love. I supposed dating has never really been my thing. 

But then... 

Her face came to mind. Her smile. Her voice. 

God, why did she have to be so attractive? 

She was beautiful, confident in her own skin, sure of herself. Funny, charming, loud and outgoing. Sociable. Successfully following her dreams. Sporty and athletic. Whimsical and spontaneous. Unpredictable and playful. Out and proud to be gay. 

Her opposite in many ways. 

Bomi was like the embodiment of a better version of herself. 

Chorong couldn't tell if she wanted her or if she wanted to be her. An easy mistake to make, right?

Chorong was on the quiet side; shy, reserved and cold. Retreating into herself, hiding those true colours. Accepting life as it is, whatever that comes her way. Order and comfort. Falling into patterns. A constant battle for control. 

But she surprised herself with how willing she jumped into spontaneity upon meeting Bomi. Thrill and spikes of excitement clouded her judgement that first night; when she asked her to join them, when she was invited to her room.. Even the fiasco with Jinyoung seemed so out of character for Chorong, but that was all Chorong. She moved without considering the consequences. Perhaps, the result of a light heart. And then, panic surging through her veins. 

It had always been crumbling. It always was. Bomi was just putting it in a new light, on a spotlight, challenging Chorong.

That sad look of goodbye; how Chorong couldn't accept that. Her heart suddenly... ached. Bomi made her feel some type of way. 

The way Bomi's nose had brushed against hers.. Her lips... so close.. It all went by so fast. Chorong could barely process it.

And she was really scared that time. She was.. scared of her. Or was she? 

There was nothing scary about Bomi per se. Chorong was scared of what the woman was bringing out in her. What she could become. Facing what she.. really wanted. 

Someone that she clicked with. 

Chorong was drunk. Tipsy may be the better word. She thought she still had a hold of herself- Hiccup! In the middle of the day too.

She just finished another can of beer in her lonely apartment, with no roommate to tell her off and stick her nose into her business, wondering why she might be drinking at this time of day. With all the stress of recent events, Hayoung wasn't the only person on her mind anymore.

You know what? Park Chorong can enjoy a beer any time she wants to. Yeah. Hiccup!

And maybe that's another influence of spontaneity. Her logical side was on vacation, waiting on her to get her priorities straight. Or not so straight. Hiccup!

"Let me know when you find out."

When her drunk hiccups subsided, Chorong got up and shrugged on a jacket. It looked like it might rain, so she grabbed an umbrella too. 

She was going to find out. When you're tipsy and you know it, the embarrassment is numbed down and you can make a fool of yourself. Without her logic here to save her, that's exactly what Chorong was going to do. Experiment. 

Charging out from the apartment, she bumped into just the person she was looking for. Her first test subject: her annoying roommate she so secretly missed. 

"Hayoung-ah, can I hold your hand?"

"...What??" 

The younger girl was momentarily speechless. Did Chorong just say what she think she said? Her cold and cruel Chorong unnie?? She must be dreaming, or what is happening to the world?

"Just shut up and give me your hand."

Ba-dump.

Then Chorong pulled her into a hug. 

Ba-dump. Ba-dump.

Hayoung was in bliss. Chorong was initiating affection, without her having to annoy her and whine for it? Was this forgiveness??

"Unnie, I-"

"Thanks Hayoung-ah," Chorong murmured and ran off before Hayoung could catch up.

"Wa-WAIT! UNNIE!" 

Hayoung's frustrated groan came delayed. Whatever that was, she still wasn't getting back home yet. 

Where should she head to next? Her sense of direction had gotten a little screwed, but Chorong eventually found her way to the bookstore where her favourite employee was. Test subject number 2.

"Naeun-ah," she called upon entering the place. 

"Chorong unnie! What brings you here?" Naeun greeted, hopping from the step ladder as she halted the organising she was doing. 

"I have a favour to ask."

"What is it?"

"Can I try holding your hand?"

"Huh?" Naeun's head tilted in puzzlement, but she didn't further question it. "Oh, sure."

Chorong tried the same thing she did with Hayoung. She tentatively held Naeun's hand by the ends of her fingers, in the way that someone might lean down and kiss it on the knuckles. Geez, did Naeun's hands have to be pretty too?

Dugeun dugeun.

"Thank you Naeun-ah. Can I give you a hug?"

"Uh, okay."

The bookstore clerk was tall, so Chorong turned her head to the side and hugged her from the waist. Wow, her waist is so slim.. Chorong's arms wrapped right around it.

Dugeun dugeun. 

Naeun patted her back in a friendly manner, not used to the skinship, and Chorong received her awkward signal to pull away. 

"Thank you very much," Chorong said rather formally with a light bow. 

"If you want more of this, you'll have to buy me dinner first," Naeun winked, making Chorong heat up. The girl was teasing her.

"Aah no, I'm just.. testing things out.. Bye Naeun-ah."

"Have a good night, unnie~" the bookstore clerk sang, watching her boss leave the store. 

"Strange. Did I somehow seduce Chorong unnie..?" she wondered fleetingly. Then the sky started spitting as darker clouds gloomed into view, and she noticed the umbrella that Chorong came with was sitting on the counter. 

Oh. Chorong forgot her umbrella. She's the type of person who takes good care of her belongings though...

But by then it was too late to remind her boss. Chorong had disappeared in a rush. 

Naeun figured she'll come back for it later. 

Running in the rain for someone? Just what is happening to her? 

Chorong wasn't sure when her trusty umbrella had left her hands, but there was no time to think or retrace her steps to find it. She made a promise to Bomi. To let her know when she finds out... When she finds out...

She needs to find out. And the alcohol in her system is really helping her do that.

Chorong found herself at Bomi's doorstep. Room 813 on the 8th floor of this hotel. It's the third time she's travelled here, and the second time she's turned up unannounced and seemingly without a purpose. Her feet just seem to carry her to where her heart wants to go. 

Remembering what happened last time in this room brings her shivers. But remembering what happened in their last encounter brings her chills. That almost-kiss.

She was going to face her again, as her third and final test. Lucky number 3. 

Bomi opened the door wide after seeing her through the peep hole. She looked concerned. 

"Chorong unnie.. Did you run in the rain?"

Chorong was breathing hard, still out of breath. It might be the most cardio she's done in a while. And her jacket was dripping with droplets she hadn't shaken off. In other words, yes, she was soaked and tipsy with barely any makeup, looking incredibly innocent behind her round glasses.  

Appearance had lost priority.

Chorong had no sense of what time it was, as Bomi was dressed really cleanly like she had been relaxing after a day at work. Makeup and hair was on point, but with a casual white tee and a black bra underneath-

Oh my God, wait, a black bra- CHORONG BREATHE.

Thank goodness she was already huffing and puffing because Bomi and her sheer nightwear just stole her breath away. 

"Bomi... there's.. something.. I want to.. check," Chorong managed to say between gasps of air. She was beginning to calm down. "C-Can I try... holding your hand?"

The other woman's eyebrow twitched, probably thinking it was an odd request. There was a pause.

"Alright."

With a face devoid of any clear expression, Bomi seized Chorong's left hand into her right, holding it so that their palms were pressed, interlocking their fingers together. 

Dugeun-dugeun-dugeun-dugeun-

Chorong's breath hitched at the touch, feeling Bomi's warm fingers nestled between her own cold ones. Chorong swore she could feel her own pulse running through her fingers, when they were squeezed together like that. And the whole of their palms were touching too. This felt so intimate. 

"Can I try hugging you?" she heard herself say, in a voice so self-assured she wasn't entirely sure it was her own. 

It must have been the alcohol talking. It has got to be the alcohol, because Chorong took no hesitation to embrace her. As Bomi was about the same height as she was, Chorong's arms naturally went around the younger woman's neck and shoulders, her face coming next to Bomi's ear. 

Then Chorong almost squeaked, goosebumps breaking out under her shirt as Bomi's arms slid into her jacket and embraced her by the waist, pressing the full of their bodies together. 

Dugeun-dugeun-dugeun-dugeun-dugeun-dugeun-dugeun-

Was my heartbeat always this loud?

Chorong didn't feel cold anymore. She was absolutely flushed, feeling Bomi everywhere, touching her.. in all the.. places. They stayed like that for what felt like a solid minute; Chorong relaxing into the hold, with Bomi's face pressed into her shoulder, breathing her rainy scent in.

Bomi's hug felt so different... 

Was it the way she hugged her? Well yes. Definitely. She was holding her differently. A hug that lingers and tells you that she wants you. She's never been held so closely like this. 

Or was it Bomi? Was Bomi the real key in all this, and that she's only okay with Bomi hugging her like this.. because of the heart-thumping feeling that Bomi gives her. And these.. flimsy, fluttery little things that kept bothering her stomach and set her skin on fire. 

Was it the hug with Bomi that was different or the way that Bomi hugged her that was different? 

It feels like her experiment had been compromised. The tests weren't consistent with the actual state of the hug and there were personal variables to consider, like feelings, context and the personalities of the subjects. Chorong's mind was yabbering in the wrong science. Couldn't she see the chemistry happening right in front of her?

"Is that all?" Bomi asked when Chorong pulled away. The bookstore owner's eyes cast down to Bomi's chest because she was shy, but then she realised Bomi's shirt was wet. Returning the hug without caring how soaked Chorong was, she messed up her own clothing, while also warming Chorong up from the cold. 

With her white shirt wet and clinging onto bare skin, that black bra was glaring at Chorong even more over those curves. 

It's lust. This is just lust. 

That's what Chorong tried to tell herself. But for it to be lust, it means she has to be ually attracted to...

She's ually attracted to women. Well, . Okay fine. So maybe she is. But who isn't, right? This is normal! Right!? That still doesn't mean she's going to go ahead with it. That still doesn't mean she's gay. Right? Even though that is literally the definition of homoual; being ually attracted to people of your own .

Chorong was now clouded in a battle of trying to separate romance from pure . Love and lust. ual should be the last thing on her mind. 

"Y-Yes, thank you. I'm sorry this was quite sudden. You should head back inside," Chorong finally ushered, chiding herself for falling in lust and wanting nothing more than to get Bomi's appeal out of her damn sight before she self-combusts. 

"Alright then," Bomi shrugged nonchalantly, going back into her room and closing the door as instructed. 

...Phew.

Silence befell Chorong as she stared into the wooden texture of the door; a barrier to separate her from her desire. There was peace to be left alone out in the hallway, trying to regulate her breathing and heart rate. She stood still, like time stood still. 

But her mind, her mind! It was going at the speed of light, jumbled and confused. Chorong's hand gently curled into a fist as she swallowed with effort. She was stuck with a sense of longing. A sense of something that could be. If only she could accept it, and be willing to try..

When I try to say it, the words don't come out of my mo