Kevin grabbed at his thighs, picking out all the extra fat. "God, I'm so ugly." he scoffed, looking once again at the mirror. His teeth were mismatched, one longer than the other, his hair made his cheeks look just the tiniest bit more chubby than he already was. He pinched at his cheeks, pulling the extra skin away. God, were there no redeeming qualities about him? His skin was sallow under his bathroom lights. His fingers were bony, the veins protruding from his skin. Not to mention the scars and scabs on his knuckles. And the rest of his body, god he couldn't even bear the thought of it. He could take centuries nitpicking all the flaws in his physical appearance.

Every single time he looked in the mirror, Kevin became like this. It was as if he was never actually seeing his true reflection, or, if he was, there was something about the mirror that made it accentuate his imperfections. Maybe there was something wrong with the mirror, but mostly Kevin believed there was something wrong with him. Something that made him so imperfect and so, so ugly, and unloveable. Well, Kevin, he was working on it, if his after school restroom session was any indication.

Some days, he could see a good quality or two about him, but lately those days were rapidly becoming few and far between.

Kevin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair by way of brushing and grabbed his toothbrush. Giving his mouth a careless run through, he spat in the sink and rinsed his mouth with mouthwash. His throat was sore, but that was normal, his joints ached, but that was nothing beyond ordinary. All the pains of his life had become nothing more than a mild annoyance, constant, but managable.

After finishing his homework, Kevin dressed in his pajamas, ready for another night of tossing and turning. His mother was away on some business trip, but he had no idea why a realtor would need to go to the Philippines. No matter the reason, fake or not, Kevin was relieved at the silence filling the house. Even if it allowed his mind to fill with a tortuous cacophony of self-deprecation. He sat at his desk with his math homework, glancing at the problems.

He was too stupid for this, he didn't know why he even tried. The words blurred as he read over the story problem for a fifth time, still confused. There was no way he could do this right now, his mind wouldn't allow it.

So he sat back, sinking into his thoughts once more. He thought about his mother, how right she always was about his uselessness. What was he to offer her? He had no job, no money, no way to make her happy. He was just there, wasting space and time. He thought of his dancing, and how no matter how hard he practiced, there was always someone better. How he couldn't seem to get a step right. Every mistake he had made, every stupid word he spoke, ran through his mind.

He did nothing to stop these thoughts, not even the least bit of resistance. At least until his father flashed through his memory.

His father was the only one who had ever accepted him, as had his sister. But, he messed everything up with that relationship. He had been happy with them around, and he smiled. He didn't feel the desire to become something he wasn't, obtaining perfection seemed so impossible.
 

But why? Why was perfection so unobtainable? If no one was meant to be perfect, why did such a word even exist? There were perfect people, Kevin knew, he had seen a few in his life. Not just in magazines and clothing ads, either. He saw them in the flesh, some at his school.

Even if he was top of his class, Kevin was jealous of one boy in particular. Lee Kiseop.

Perfect hair, flawless face, impeccable body, he was even the second ranking student out of all of his grade. Kevin wanted what Kiseop had. Even if Kiseop didn't talk to anyone, and avoided any kind of social interaction, Kevin longed for Kiseop's life. Besides, with the way he had been feeling as of late, Kevin wasn't so sure social isolation was such a bad idea after all.

It just meant more time to exercise and purge for him. Smiling to himself, Kevin made his way into the kitchen for his secret stash of junk food. Cookies, chips, sodas, and even pudding all awaited him. Tonight, he would binge, and tomorrow he would feel like new. The day after a binging and purging session was always one of the best for Kevin, he would feel so confident and beautiful he had a hard time believing that it was so bad for him. How could something so bad feel so good?

Kevin took the cheesy chips from the shelves first, it would be his marker. When he started heaving up orange, he would know he was coming to the end of his purging cycle.

He would have to be quick, though, the longer all the food sat in his stomach, the more weight he would gain. He couldn't give it a chance to settle and digest properly. So, Kevin ate ravenously, filling his starved stomach for the first time in three days. Yes, he kept track. He couldn't afford not to.

The chips, the cookies, the pudding, the soda, all made it's way down Kevin's throat within a matter of minutes. His stomach felt like it was going to burst, and that's when Kevin finally stopped.

Half of the food was missing within ten minutes. Kevin couldn't help but think how disgusting his actions were. Painfully rushing to the bathroom, Kevin forced his finger down his throat, engaging his gag reflex. He did this a couple times until, thankfully, everything began a reverse journey though his digestive system.

His fingers curled around the toilet bowl, gripping tightly as his stomach started to spasm over and over, sweet relief flooding his body as all the anxiety left.

Nauseated, Kevin wiped his mouth and pulled on the silver lever of the toilet. Giving a worn out groan, Kevin stood. Even though his legs were trembling, they held him well enough. Leaning on the sink as he brushed his teeth, Kevin dried his tears using his other arm's shirt sleeve.

After tucking his food away safely, Kevin headed to bed. Sure, he was excited for the confidence boost the next day would hold, but it didn't mean he could sleep any better. He would have thought all the energy expended from his vomiting would tire him out, but the exhaustion set in and sleep did not come.

His phone lit up with a text, but Kevin ignored it. It was either from his mother or one of his 'friends'. Besides, the light was hurting his eyes. It was far too bright in this kind of darkness for him to bear. Closing his eyes, Kevin willed his mind to quiet enough so he could get some sleep. Even just a few minutes would be okay.

Because that was a few minutes he wasn't thinking. He was tired of thinking so much, he just wanted a few minutes of silence. Thinking of his mistakes, and imperfections.

Rolling back onto his back, Kevin opened his eyes once again. Taking a deep breath, he found patterns in the ceiling. The act brought him back to his childhood, where he would lie in bed with his sister and make pictures in the ceiling. Diana always picked out the animals, even coming up with scenarios about what the animal was doing.

The squirrel was gathering nuts to take back to her three little babies. The rabbit was searching for a new home after his rabbit hole got filled in with flowers. And, Kevin's favorite, the fish was trying to make its way back home after a long day at work, but things kept stopping him on his way. Diana had come up with a whole story with just that one picture in the ceiling.

But, as Kevin tried to recreate the same game, nothing could come to him. The only images he seemed to conjure up in the ceiling were skinny arms, legs, and perfect bodies. Nothing else. He could tell himself a story of how desperately he wanted to be thin and beautiful, but somehow, he didn't think that would help him get to sleep.

Fed up, Kevin threw his covers off and sat up with a groan. He got off of his bed and went to their exercise room. That would help him, no doubt. He would run on the treadmill for twenty minutes, take a shower, and settle into bed for a total of five hours of sleep.

Kevin ran, letting the stress get pounded out with each heavy footstep again the belt of the treadmill. Kevin thanked his mom silently for buying the treadmill, even if she rarely used it.

Sweat started at his hairline, but still, Kevin didn't stop. He couldn't. The workout felt ten times better than any dance routine he had practiced a thousand times. That was saying something considering how accomplished dancing made him feel. Especially when he did it right.

Before he even knew it, the sun was rising through the window. As the first beams of light streamed through the curtains, Kevin looked at the clock. He had an hour to get to school, he shut off the machine and rushed into the bathroom to shower.

Even if he felt dizzy and nauseous, Kevin didn't mind it as much, because the workout burned calories. He wondered why he hadn't thought to exercise before. Kevin climbed the stairs to his room with heavy limbs, but finally, a smile was on his face. He found a solution, finally.

Not only did this give him more control over his life, it made him finally feel the closest to good he's felt about himself ever before. He figured it was probably endorphins, after all, those came with exercising if he remembered health class correctly. He didn't care, whatever to make this inadequate feeling go away.

He skipped two things that morning, looking in the mirror, and throwing up. Looking in the mirror because he felt he wouldn't like what he saw, not after running through the night. And the second, he skipped because, for once, he felt he didn't need it.

And what a glorious feeling that was.

But, after walking to school, he regretted everything about the night before immediately. He couldn't focus at all on his class, and he was exhausted. Those were only minor deterrents, looking down at his stomach and legs, he smiled once more.

Thin, long, beautiful.

At least, they would be in no time at all. The thought alone would help Kevin throughout the rest of the day.

*sigh* Poor Kevin... >.<

In happy new, Stop Girl comes out in two days *squee* Well, since I live in America, it's actually coming out tomorrow at nine o'clock at night. Muahahah! For AJ it will be at eleven at night, but let's not mention that. TT^TT

Have you seen the teaser, yet? Of course you have. XP Did you notice 'comming' so cute. >.<

I wonder what Eli, Kevin, and AJ thought about the mistake in the editing. Hahah. Anyway, I am beyond excited for it and as soon as I get paid on the 25th, I am paying my college application fee, and then ordering that. Muahahah