"Dear diary,

I'm sorry that I have not been writing since so many days. But its not my fault. Kyungsoo never leaves me alone. But I think that I too don't want him to leave me alone..." 

Just the first few lines in, and Kyungsoo was already smiling like crazy. He almost felt stupid for not having thought of this idea earlier. But at least his brain functioned correct finally, better late than never. Jongin was so tired and exhausted after the best they had together till date, that Kyungsoo was not afraid to leave him alone in his deep sleep and sneak out of the room with his journal. And now he was sitting beside the fireplace, finally snooping into the place where Jongin let all his feelings and emotions bare without being anxious and nervous, and also without stuttering. Kyungsoo could almost hear Jongin in his brain, speaking those adorably framed simple sentences, which truly reflected his innocence and purity. 

Kyungsoo could already feel his guts clenching, his excitement was at its peak as he was about to find out all the answers to his questions, without having to ask Jongin directly. He sure felt a little bit guilty for invading Jongin's privacy, but the other emotions were way more overpowering. 

"...But today I think he is upset from me. So he has not come to bed yet. He cut his hair short this morning. I laughed at him when I saw him. Because he looked so cute. He looked like a penguin. Maybe he got hurt by it..."

Kyungsoo vividly remembered Jongin giggling like a toddler that morning. He figured out that Jongin mocked him because he looked funny with that haircut. But he didn't mind it at all, because it had given him the blessing to hear that melodious laughter. What fascinated Kyungsoo, was that Jongin actually noticed that Kyungsoo was upset even when the older was trying his best to not show it. Even though Jongin had mistaken the reason for Kyungsoo's hurt to be entirely different, and was not able to identify his rude behaviour towards Kyungsoo that morning, the fact that his emotions were acknowledged was enough to make Kyungsoo happy and lose all the grudges he still held towards Jongin. 

"...I don't know how to say sorry to him. So I will just try to impress him in bed tonight...", which Jongin in fact had tried to do, but his efforts were brutally ignored when Kyungsoo was lost in his thoughts instead. "...I don't want him to be sad. It makes me sad whenever he is sad. I love him around me. I am so sad right now because he is sitting outside..." 

Kyungsoo couldn't help but stick his lower lip out at that, he didn't know that he was capable of doing such a feminine gesture, but Jongin's cuteness was impossible for him to resist. After the incident in the morning, he had been trying to avoid Jongin all day, trying to give him the privacy he had asked for. He was totally oblivious to the fact that Jongin was actually missing him. 

"...He is not giving me attention. He is not hugging me and kissing me like before. I already miss kissing his lips. At first I didn't like putting my mouth into someone else's mouth. But Kyungsoo tastes good. I also like the way he smells. He is so beautiful. I don't like when he's away from me. I hope he kisses me soon. I miss him so much." 

Kyungsoo's heart was so full of love that it could burst any minute. All day he had been striving to get just a mere hope that Jongin considered him more than just a ual partner, especially just about an hour ago, when Jongin didn't even heed to Kyungsoo's special words spoken straight through his heart. He had never imagined nor expected Jongin to think so much about him. He didn't give a damn if Jongin's emotions were ascertained to be 'love'. In fact, he was sure that even Jongin would never be able to figure his own feelings out and declare that he was 'in love' with Kyungsoo, he was too naive for that. But Kyungsoo didn't care anymore, he had already gotten more than he needed. Jongin had missed him the only day Kyungsoo didn't cling to him, probably more than even Kyungsoo missed him. What else did Kyungsoo need? 

Kyungsoo took his time to absorb all his happiness, savouring each and every praise word Jongin had jotted down for him to the fullest. He was on cloud nine, not only because Jongin thought all that beautiful stuff about him, but also because it was for the first time ever that Kyungsoo was experiencing the joy of being admired by his partner. He explored those few pages Jongin had managed to write in the busy last month, only to find them filled with compliments on nearly all of his body features and many other things, all related to Kyungsoo. From how soft his heart-shaped lips were, to how manly he sounded in bed; from how soft and gentle his touch was, to how big and devilish his '' was, Jongin had mentioned it all. Kyungsoo read all those words over and over again to the point he had almost memorised them. After finally overcoming his giddiness, his curious brain urged him to know more about Jongin. He was holding Jongin's heart in the form of that book in his hands, and he wanted to know every bit of it. The first thing that popped up in his brain, was another question he had still not been able to find the answer to. This question was probably insignificant now, but it had always bothered Kyungsoo and he wouldn't mind to know the answer if he possibly could. So he flipped a lot of pages to move months back in time and hopefully find out, what in reality Sehun was to Jongin? Kyungsoo clearly remembered the date he had walked in on the two of them having , and considering that they had been doing that since a couple of months prior to that day, he applied simple maths and moved to the date near to what might have been the day they hooked up for the first time. He flipped pages while quickly scanning them, and finally stopped at the one which had Sehun's name written the most times. Impatient as he was, Kyungsoo started reading in the middle of the paragraph-

"So Sehun offered to play with me. But I was so sad. I didn't want to play video games. Sehun said that it was a different game. He then took me to my room to play it and started touching me. I knew he wanted to do bad things to me. But I let him."

There was not even a sign left of that utter bliss Kyungsoo was experiencing just a few seconds ago. All he could feel now was anger and spite. He was so angry that he would have killed Sehun had he been in front of him at that moment. He wanted to jump up and scream that he knew it, he knew it all along that Sehun had just used Jongin to fulfill his filthy intentions. He tried to deceive that poor kid thinking of him as an easy prey, just to get his . But what still kept Kyungsoo calm and collected, was that supposedly Jongin was aware of Sehun's objectives. It was hard to believe but it indeed was true, Jongin was smart and actually understood everything around him; probably not as much as any other adult of his age, but that was because he was socially alienated because of his condition. So Kyungsoo read further as to know why Jongin still chose to let Sehun touch him, despite knowing that he was trying to fool him. 

"...Because it felt good. It was very painful at some points. Also I didn't like when he kissed my lips. But he still did it a lot..."

Kyungsoo's anger geared up as he got to know that not only did Sehun try to fool Jongin, but also he tried to force him. By now he was totally aware of Jongin's strong dislike towards kissing (obviously until he fell in love with Kyungsoo's lips), and how he was always expressive towards it. The fact that Sehun still kept kissing him without his will, boiled Kyungsoo's blood. But again, what consoled Kyungsoo to some extent was that Jongin did it with Sehun, only because he liked the feeling of it, and not Sehun himself. 

"...But I enjoyed the whole thing. It made me feel better. It helped me forget about Kyungsoo." 

"WHAT?" 

Kyungsoo literally said it out loud. He was so astonished to read what he just read. The paragraph ended there only without any further explanation. So he quickly went up and read the whole page from the beginning.

"Dear diary,

I was so angry today. It was Sunday and Kyungsoo didn't cook chicken for me. He went out with Baekhyun hyung. He has changed. He doesn't look after me like before. He always talks over phone with some Suho. I think Suho is his new friend. Sehun is my good friend too. But I still need Kyungsoo. He has forgotten about me. I was very sad because of him. So Sehun offered to play with me..." 

. 

The explosion of overwhelming emotions shook Kyungsoo to the core. His brain was so ed up at the moment that he almost wanted to slap himself to death. He sat still for a long while, trying to calm the chaos in his heart and brain as he processed the whole situation.

So Jongin didn't even like Sehun, he wasn't even attracted to that bastard, he slept with him only to heal the hurt he got from Kyungsoo. It was absurd. The anger Kyungsoo had towards Sehun a moment ago was all shifted to himself now. The whole fault was his own. He felt like a douche to have been jealous of Sehun's closeness with Jongin, when Kyungsoo himself was responsible for that. While Kyungsoo was enjoying his little break, hanging out with Baekhyun and hoping for a romantic relationship with Suho, he was actually leaving Jongin alone. The boy was bound to get closer with Sehun and later become his victim. Sehun was just a rebound. The reality was that Jongin was, and had always been affected by Kyungsoo and only Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo was already crying in pain, unknowingly wetting the pages of Jongin's diary. The overwhelming guilt and remorse mingled with a hint of elation had left his brain paralysed for that time. He was so depressed that he never put confidence into Jongin, and also in the love and care he had given to Jongin in all those years. What hurt him the most was the fact he wasn't able to read through Jongin's mind. Had he known that Jongin was sad for not getting enough of Kyungsoo to himself, the elder would readily have left everything else in the would just to be with his Jongin. But guess it wasn't too late, Kyungsoo's mind was enlightened again as he realised that despite everything that went down, he eventually was living with Jongin alone in their own little world now, which was everything Jongin ever wanted. This conclusion was just enough to bring together every ounce of confidence left inside of Kyungsoo, by the help of which he determined that he would waste no more time in crying over the things and mistakes of the past, instead he would repay them by putting best of his efforts in making Jongin happy. He wiped his tears, cleaned the page he had dampened, and shut the diary. He held that journal tightly with his hands and close to his chest as he rose to head straight to the blue room. He didn't care if Jongin was asleep, if he was listening or not, but Kyungsoo just had to say the words he had to say at that very time. He was having that insupressible urge to give a loving kiss on Jongin's forehead, and tell him that his Kyungsoo was going nowhere, that he would never ever leave his beloved alone, and that he would always love him and stay by his side no matter what; he wanted to tell Jongin that he was so sorry for all the trouble he had to go through because of his negligence, and that it would never ever happen again.

With his heart and brain finally aligned, Kyungsoo began his steps towards the sweet bed his precious little Jongin was peacefully sleeping on...at least that's what he had thought. Because in reality, Jongin was standing right in front of him, wide awake. The spot where Jongin was standing at, was far enough for Kyungsoo to not be able to leap directly to. So as he was preparing to run towards Jongin in order to cover him up in the warmest hug ever, he just in time caught Jongin staring intently at the journal he was holding. On the face of one of the least expressive people in Kyungsoo's knowledge, there was a strong and intense look of anger and hurt. It scared the soul out of Kyungsoo. He started sweating like crazy. He was unaware of how long had Jongin been standing there and how much he had seen, but having left with no other option, Kyungsoo decided to lie.

"Jongin....I...I swear I did not...I did not read your diary." Jongin's eyes were still locked on the journal, they didn't move by any degree. But the damage control was still necessary, "...why would I? I know...I know that its personal to you. I would never interrupt your privacy."

Still no word. This was really very scary to Kyungsoo. He swallowed, and then assembled all his courage as he began taking small steps in Jongin's direction.

"Sweetie...", Kyungsoo stopped right next to Jongin. Hesitantly, he brushed his fingers gently on Jongin's blushed cheek as he brought his other hand forward, intending to hand Jongin's posession back to him, "...here. Keep it."

To Kyungsoo's utter surprise, Jongin actually took the journal from his hand. But Kyungsoo got surprised yet again, because out of nowhere Jongin had just flung that thick book right across the hall and straight into the fireplace.

"JONGIN, NO." Kyungsoo yelled at the top of his lungs. There was no time to waste in getting past the sudden shock. So he sprinted as fast as he could to protect that journal from catching fire. It was not just a diary to both Kyungsoo and Jongin, it held secrets of Jongin that he shared with no one, but now Kyungsoo knew them too. So how could he let it get destroyed?

Fortunately, Kyungsoo was able to protect the journal from getting burnt into ashes entirely. A corner of the journal was still on fire which Kyungsoo was trying to put out with his hand, but ended up getting a burn. The fire was put out, and the diary was pretty much intact. But Kyungsoo's hand was hurting too much. As he was getting used to of the excruciating pain, he heard a loud thud sound of door shutting. He looked in the direction to find out that Jongin had went back into his room. Kyungsoo ran towards the closed door and tried to open it, only to find out that it was locked from the inside. Kyungsoo panicked, he started banging the door with his already injured hand, securely holding Jongin's diary in the other. Both physical and mental pain had left Kyungsoo helpless. All he could do now was beg Jongin to let him in.

"Jongin...Jongin please open the door. Jongin I didn't mean to hurt you...I would never try to hurt you. I'm so sorry Jongin.", Kyungsoo himself didn't know what his words were with respect to; the secret snooping into Jongin's private diary, or the trouble he had unknowingly caused to Jongin because of his ignorance. "I really love you sweetie. I'm sorry for everything. Please give me a chance Jongin. I would never let you down again, and I will never leave you alone."

Kyungsoo was a crying mess. He wept non stop. He fell down on the floor but didn't stop banging on the door with his closed and burnt fist. His cries were loud and full of pain, but at least they were relieving him of his agony. There was no doubt that Jongin heard them too, and crying Kyungsoo was his biggest weakness, which would melt him at any moment. That worked this time as well, because not too long after, Jongin did open the door. But he was clearly still mad at Kyungsoo, because he turned around and went back to his bed without even taking a look at the broken Kyungsoo lying on the floor. Nonetheless, Kyungsoo was extremely happy and satisfied. All he needed was to feel Jongin's presence around him and to stay as close to him as possible. He just whispered a barely audible "Thank you" to Jongin, and then with light footsteps, he too lied down on the bed beside Jongin. As expected, Jongin was facing the window and not Kyungsoo. So Kyungsoo spent whole ten minutes to accumulate enough courage to put an arm across Jongin's tender waist from behind. Jongin moved slightly, meaning he was awake, but didn't try to get rid of Kyungsoo's touch. Instead, after a few moments he grabbed the pale wrist and gently turned it around to take a better look at Kyungsoo's awfully injured hand. The constant and reckless banging had left the burns now accompanied by some serious bruises, after seeing which, Jongin couldn't remain indifferent any longer. He readily got up from the bed, and returned with the first-aid box in his hand. Kyungsoo couldn't do anything but just stare at Jongin in awe. He was having a hard time in believing what he was beholding. Jongin must have learned this from Kyungsoo himself, but still, it was so weird yet special to see Jongin taking care of Kyungsoo's wounds with such care. The patience and gentleness with which Jongin applied medicine on Kyungsoo's hand and then meticulously dressed it with bandages, was more than enough to heal those painful injuries that Kyungsoo bore on his hand as well as on his heart.

*************************

"Bad...bad."

Kyungsoo sighed. He had already seen it coming, but still wasn't prepared for it. Jongin could never stand oatmeal breakfast, and so he declared it as 'bad' as soon as it was served to him.

"Jongin, I'm sorry but we've run out of supply. I forgot to pick up the groceries for this month." Kyungsoo explained as if Jongin gave a single damn about any of that. All Jongin cared for was his breakfast and his growling stomach. "Please manage with this for now, I'll call in the grocery store for home delivery. I promise you your favorite lunch."

With nothing but an upset pout on his face, Jongin confirmed that he was not going to accept Kyungsoo's proposal by sliding the oatmeal bowl away from himself.
Kyungsoo hung his head low in disappointment. He was already mentally drained after the events of a night before, he was definitely not in the mood to start his day by going in the market all alone. But a nice company could make his little errand less boring. That's how Kyungsoo's tired brain came up with this brilliant idea.

"Fine then. I'll cook your favorite food for the breakfast, but you will have to come to the market with me. It will take hardly half an hour."

Obviously Jongin didn't even consider accepting Kyungsoo's offer. He would rather stay hungry for the entire day than stepping outside the house. He simply ignored Kyungsoo...as usual.

But Kyungsoo's trick wasn't completely executed yet. He had a trump card to unveil. "Come on sweetie. I would never force you to come outside, but today I need you to. My hand is still sore, I won't be able to pick up all the bags by myself." A blatant lie. Kyungsoo's hand was well enough to drive the car all the way to the supermarket, but would hurt in holding bags for merely five minutes until dumping them in the backseat, it made no sense. But Kyungsoo knew that it would work for Jongin, since that innocent boy would never question Kyungsoo's reasonings. Even though Jongin didn't give any response, Kyungsoo was very much confident about his plan.

"That's okay if you don't want to come. After serving you breakfast I guess I'll just go see a doctor." His plan was bound to work after this statement. And so it did. Jongin raised from his chair, sprinted towards his room and came back to the lobby with his shoes and jeans on.

Kyungsoo smiled widely inside his head, and they both left the house.

On their way to the supermarket, Kyungsoo couldn't help but feel bad for having duped Jongin into joining him. But at the same time he was feeling so elated at this little achievement, Kyungsoo couldn't even remember the last time Jongin left the house to go somewhere besides to see his therapist. He could only imagine how happy Jongdae and Minseok would be to hear about this progress. 

After reaching the place, Kyungsoo could sense the amount of anxiety Jongin was having. He was constantly trying to hide himself behind the short Kyungsoo, and was clinging to his shirt with both the hands as tightly as he could. Even though the supermarket was not so super, there was still a significant amount of crowd to scare someone like Jongin, who was used to of seeing just those same five or six faces in his life. The best way to fix Jongin's anxiety was to distract him, which worked out pretty darn well. Kyungsoo simply handed Jongin an empty basket, and told him to fill it with whichever stuff he liked. Even though it did help Jongin a lot to get distracted, it was quite a risk. Because Kyungsoo knew that the basket will eventually be filled with humongous amount of chocolates and candies. But it didn't matter, because Jongin's venture was a brave move, and it had earned him this treat. Kyungsoo made sure to keep a constant eye on Jongin as he picked up the rest of the groceries.

Jongin was extremely happy and lost in his own world only as long as he was done hoarding as much chocolates as he could. Kyungsoo still kept an eye on him as he stood a little away from the busy cash counter, while Kyungsoo was standing in the queue waiting for his turn. Kyungsoo felt a little bad for that poor kid who was visibly restless and scared, but at the same time he thought that it was necessary to let Jongin adapt to the social environment a little bit, especially now that he had received an opportunity to do so.

The amount of chocolates and candies was so much that Kyungsoo almost got tired of pulling them out of the basket as the cashier made the bill. After so long when Kyungsoo was finally done paying for the stuff, he looked behind to call Jongin to fulfill the purpose he came for, which was holding those big bags. But Jongin was nowhere to be seen.

Kyungsoo almost had a panic attack in the middle of the aisle. He ran his way out of the crowd leaving the paid grocery behind, as his eyes wandered all around the place to spot his precious Jongin. To his dismay, he couldn't find Jongin.

Within five minutes Kyungsoo scanned the whole building but had no luck. He was asking from person to person if they had seen this young, lean, tall and tanned man wearing blue shirt and jeans, but nobody could help him, only until he finally asked the security guard standing right outside the building. Unfortunately, he had seen Jongin a while ago...leaving the supermarket.

Kyungsoo was about to pass out then and there, but he couldn't even spare time for that. The guard didn't know where Jongin went, so Kyungsoo started looking for him from the parking lot, hoping to find Jongin near their car.
Still no luck.

It was a market place, meaning there were a number of shops to search, there were endless possibilities of where Jongin could go. Kyungsoo was running around like a madman. By the mercy of good god a wise man stopped Kyungsoo from crossing a busy road without looking for the vehicles passing by, and told him to wait for the traffic signal to turn red. Hence waiting for it, Kyungsoo got a few moments to have a complete mental breakdown. He started sobbing out loud. Blaming himself for that terrible idea of bringing Jongin outside. Life felt like an endless tunnel to him, whenever he would see light peeking through, he hoped for getting to the other end, but the path somehow kept getting longer and longer.

But maybe the light was still there.

A sudden from the back brought Kyungsoo's soul back to the earth as he felt the warmth of a familiar hug. He got out of the hug to turn around and take a look at the person behind him, confirming that he had actually gotten his Jongin back. His happiness knew no boundaries when it indeed turned out to be true. It was Jongin, but in a state Kyungsoo had never seen him in. Jongin was crying even harder than Kyungsoo, and it looked like he had been crying for a long while. They both collapsed in each other's arms while standing on the sidewalk, and cried into each other's shoulders like a mother-son reunion. 

"I'm....I'm so sorry Jongin. I left you alone...yet again. I...I hate myself. You must hate me as well, right?"

This was not one of the times where Jongin could avoid answering Kyungsoo's questions. And so he did answer it. He pulled out of the hug, just to grab Kyungsoo's face tightly and pull him into a deep and intimate kiss. None of them would've done it in public if they were in their senses, but it was quite evident that they actually were not. The kiss was quite enough of an answer on its own, but maybe Jongin needed to solidify it even more by saying-

"I l-love you Kyungsoo. I love you so much."

___________________________________________________________

Hey everyone!!
I know by now you all must be extremely tired of my irregular updates. At this point all I can do is apologise. I will still try my best to update more frequently.
Besides that, I really hope that you enjoyed reading this chapter. It took a lot of thought, I hope that I was able to connect to you. Please don't forget to share your views on this.
Enjoy your day, and also, stay safe and protected...
Thank you so much! <3