The skies were blanketed in beautiful hues of pinks and oranges and purples. He had grown used to ending his day this way. 

Jinki sits atop his favorite hill--the hill that they used to share. A thousand sunsets must have gone by since the last time he had heard from him. He didn't know if it was pathetic, but he had gotten used to the pain. He had learned to live with the gaping hole in his heart. But acceptance did not mean healing.

A familiar voice pierces through the silence. "Hey, Hyung. I thought you would be here." Jinki turns to see a familiar face--one that he loves, but not the one that he was longing to see. "I thought I would keep you company today... And thought maybe you wanted one of these," Minho says, handing him a cold bottle of beer.

"Thanks," Jinki says, not taking his eyes off the sun sinking on the horizon. He was grateful to have someone beside him. It takes the sting of loneliness away, even if just for a while.

"So... Still nothing, huh?"

Jinki didn't even want to answer. To answer Minho would mean it was real. To answer him meant giving a voice to the horrible void in his heart. He kept looking out onto the sunset as he took a swig from the cold bottle. Strangely, the icy glass in his hands gave him comfort. 

"You really aren't going out there?"

The older man shakes his head. "I can't. Appa still isn't well and there's so much to do here. I can't leave Eomma to do everything by herself."

"You know I would help if I could, it's just that--"

"I know, man. You have your own stuff to deal with. It's fine. Don't worry about it."

Jinki bites the inside of his cheek, not wanting to seem desperate. But the question was almost crawling out of his throat and had a life of its own. Every second that he ignored it, it seemed to squeeze the life out of him. He closed his eyes briefly before finally blurting it out. "Have you heard from him?"

Minho tenses up and hesitates. 

"You have, haven't you?"

"Taemin mentioned that he got a call from Kibum the other day... I'm sorry, Hyung..."

The words were like knives to Jinki's heart. "How is he?"

"He seems to be adjusting well in the city... Taemin says he's really enjoying school and is acing his classes..."

"That's great. I'm glad," Jinki replies, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. He knew it seemed selfish, but a tiny part of him had hoped that Kibum was just as miserable as he was. Hearing that he was thriving without him hurt more than he expected it to. 

"He asked about you... Taemin tried to tell him to at least send you a message but he really didn't want to budge," Minho says, turning to put a hand on his friend's shoulder for comfort. "I know he'll come around. You know how he can get... Let's just give him time, Hyung."

Even if he desperately wanted to believe Minho, somehow Jinki knew that time wouldn't be enough. He didn't want to lose hope that things between them would get better, but all signs pointed otherwise. He had to face the fact that there was nothing more that he could do. He screwed this up.

Being in the midst of dusk suddenly didn't seem as appealing to him anymore. The older man starts to rise and walk away. 

"Hyung, are you alright? I'm sorry... Maybe I shouldn't have told you..."

"Let's get home before it's dark," Jinki replies, becoming even more sullen then when he first arrived at the hill. He taps his friend on the back as they both start to head back.

"I'm really sorry, Hyung," the younger says, taking the drinks in his hands.

"It's alright. The days aren't going to pause for us. I'm just going to have to get over it someday."

As soon as the words left his lips, he wished with all his heart that someday would come sooner than expected. 

*****

It was hard for him to sit still the whole train ride home. He couldn't bear the thought of having to go back because his grandmother wasn't doing well. A tear rolls down his cheek as he is overwhelmed by the thought of just how much she meant to him. All those hours spent by her side when he was a child were some of his most treasured memories. The thought of anything happening to her was already breaking his heart. 

"Maybe I should have visited sooner; more often," he thought to himself.

But he suddenly remembers why he never did. 

Kibum takes a deep breath at the eventuality of seeing him again. Despite his best efforts, their paths would eventually have to cross. The town was just that small, and the news of his return would surely have reached everyone by now. Bracing himself for the encounter was nerve-wracking. He wouldn't even know what to say. After so many years, there was just a symphony of hurt and pain and disappointment and anger all muddled together in his heart. Kibum had to remind himself that he wasn't the reason for the visit. He was going home for his Halmeoni; his sweet Halmeoni. 

His phone rings in the middle of his thoughts and immediately sits up as he sees his boss' number on the screen. He really didn't need any pressure right now--not when so many things were weighing on his mind. 

"Hello, yes, Boa Sunbaenim. Good morning."

"Good morning, Kibum," Boa says on the other line, sounding uncharacteristically sympathetic. "Soyou told me what happened. I'm so sorry that you have to head home under such circumstances."

The young man was caught off-guard by the sincerity in her voice. His boss usually meant business 24/7. He certainly wasn't used to seeing this side of her. "Uh... Th-Thank you, Boa Sunbaenim. I hope you don't mind, but I filed for leave until Friday. I'll be back in the office first thing Monday morning. I know that there are deadlines to attend to and I'll be sure to keep lines open anytime you need me and--"

"It's okay," Boa interrupts. "I talked it over with Soyou and it seems that you haven't taken any personal days in years. Please use up your free days for this trip. I insist. We can talk through calls and emails anytime. Just enjoy your time back home."

Kibum was stunned into silence. 

There was a deep sigh from the other end of the conversation. "I know that I haven't been the most lenient boss... It's all the pressure we get from corporate. But I do understand having to spend time with family."

"B-but Sunbaenim, I've left too much unfinished... The book for the next issue hasn't even--"

"We can handle it for a few days, Kibum. Really. Besides, you've been working so hard that everything can practically function without you for a while," Boa replies. "You know, you remind me of myself when I first started. I was so hell-bent on making my dreams come true. My life became all about what I did at work but everything has its trade-offs... I see you spending way too much time around here, Kibum. You're taking that extended leave, and I won't take no for an answer. I already told Soyou to handle it with HR. See you in two weeks, okay? I'll be ringing you if there's anything urgent. Have a safe trip."

The phone clicks and the line goes dead. Kibum was left there trying to process the conversation that he just had. His emergency visit suddenly turned into a full-blown vacation. The thing was, the prospect of time off didn't make him feel as at ease as he thought it would. It was a little unnerving to not have to think about work when it was the one thing that kept his life occupied. "I guess this is a good thing," he thinks to himself. "I can spend more time with Halmeoni, and Appa and Eomma... And catch up with Taemin and Minho and..."

Kibum shifts in his seat. Him again.

It was really becoming clear that he had no way of escaping it. He had to figure out a way to be okay with seeing Jinki again. But first, he had to be okay with even just the thought of him. 

*****

It was the perfect day. The wind blew gently and made the blades of grass along the country roads seem like they were dancing. Sunshine peeked through some clouds that illuminated the town with just the right amount of sunlight. The air was crisp and not too cold--not at all bad for autumn weather. 

A huffing Taemin runs across the Lee field and into the main barn where Jinki had already been hard at work for some hours. The young man pushes through the heavy door and secures the satchel he was wearing across his body. 

"Hyung," Taemin says in between breaths and waving his hand for Jinki to come towards him. "The train... It's coming soon... Let's... Go..."

"Good morning to you too, Taemin," Jinki says, taking a crate into his hands and moving it to the other end of the barn. The older man takes a deep breath as he could feel anger rise from his throat. Today was the day that he dreaded the most and he had hoped that his best friends in the world would have been keen enough to leave him alone about it. He continues to tidy up the barn and move the crates as he had been, pretending to not hear a word that Taemin says. 

"But he's coming!" the young man says. "Didn't you hear me? Kibum Hyung's train is coming soon! I know you won't admit it, but you've been waiting for this too! I know you have! He's finally coming back home!"

The older man looks at Taemin in the eye for a split second. It almost broke his heart to wipe that smile off the young man's face. Jinki pats his head before he steps around him to grab more crates. "I don't think he thinks of this place as home anymore."

"So... You aren't coming with us to the station?" the young man asks, his face crestfallen. Taemin digs into his satchel and holds up pieces of cardboard that obviously still had patches of wet paint. "But I made banners..."

"Not right now, Taemin," Jinki says, picking up another heavy crate with ease. He didn't want to be rude to Taemin but the young man kept poking at a sleeping bear. Jinki's knuckles are almost white because of how fiercely he is clutching the crate. He could literally feel the anger as chunks rising up in his throat. Luckily, he already had an excuse prepared. He hoped that it would be enough for his dear friend to get a hint and drop the subject. "I have shipments to make today. Besides, I don't think my face will be the first thing he wants to see when he gets off that train. Thanks, though. And the banners are cute. He'll love them."

"You aren't coming?" A third voice asks, popping up from behind the door. Minho's face is as disappointed as Taemin's, with a mixture of worry. He really hoped that they could welcome Kibum home as a complete unit, just like old times. "C'mon, Hyung. It's always been us. His Halmeoni is sick. He needs us."

"And what about when I needed him?" Jinki says, throwing the crate forcefully onto the ground, shattering its sturdy frame. The sound of the wood hitting the floor echoed through the entire barn. Minho and Taemin look at each other worriedly as Jinki quickly turns away from the both of them, careful to not let them see the tears forming in his eyes. 

Jinki was never one to show emotion--especially not like this. He clutches his fists at his side. "Just... I'm not going, okay. The two of you be careful and I hope he arrives safely," he says through clenched teeth.

"S-Sorry, Hyung," Taemin says, sheepishly. He quickly hid the banners behind his back, as if putting them away could appease Jinki.

"We just thought you might want to be there," Minho says, carefully while putting his hand on the maknae's back to comfort him. Neither of them wanted to push the older man any more than already have. "Of course we understand if you don't want to come. It's okay... It's completely fine..." He turns to the young man and signals for him to leave Jinki to himself. "Let's go, Taemin. We might miss him. Bye, Hyung. We're sorry..."

Jinki is still turned away as they let themselves out of the barn. 

"Bye, Jinki Hyung," Taemin whispers, as he closes the door behind them. "I'm really s-so sorry."

As soon as they were gone, Jinki kicks the broken crate and collapses on the ground. All the rumors of his return gave him time to prepare, and he foolishly didn't really give it much thought. He thought he was ready to face Kibum after all these years, but now that he's finally here it feels like everything just happened yesterday.

"Get a grip, Lee Jinki," he says to himself, wiping the tear rolling down his cheek and getting up off the floor. "He doesn't matter anymore."

But he did. He still did.