As I lay back on the seat,

The car speeding away,

My eyes drift to the illuminating lights of Seoul,

And I think back to all the times I have spent here,

All the people I have met,

And how it all began.

 

A boy bursting with inspiration,

A boy willing to let his voice out to the world,

Wanting the world to feel what he is trying to say,

To mouth his lyrics along with him,

And to fall into his rhythm and lose themselves in his beats.

 

That was how I started,

And nothing has changed.

I am still that boy, who is all about the impact,

Only this time,

I do not desire to make an impact,

But it naturally happens because my voice has been heard and is appreciated.

 

It never came easy to me,

It does not come easy to any of us.

Taking years of blood, sweat and tears,

I was introduced to another soul which was as thirsty as mine,

As determined as mine,

And we decided to lean on each other and let our voices be heard together.

 

Gradually in time,

I was beginning to learn a lot about myself,

How I enjoy doodling and colouring designs and picking the right outfits,

And how I feel attracted to both the es,

Keeping this secret deep within me,

As society was harsh and I was nowhere in life to put myself at a risk.

 

Maybe it was the cute boy on screen,

Who got me realising a lot in a single moment,

The one who just grabbed my attention while Young Bae and I were watching television,

A reality program it was.

 

He was just like us,

Determined,

Inspired,

Wanting to create a name for himself,

And I was floored,

My heart beating a million a minute,

As I was intrigued by him,

And I did not know why,

But I remembered his name,

Lee Seung Hyun.

 

It definitely enraged me when I got to know it was not going to be GDYB anymore,

And not wanting to be a part of a boy band,

Because that was not how it was supposed to be,

And I particularly hated it when things did not go according to plan.

 

What got me fumbling for words,

Scattering my thoughts all over,

Something I do not usually experience,

Was when my eyes settled on the 4^th recruit,

Who was the very person I often thought about from the very moment I saw him on television.

 

Lee Seung Hyun,

I remember questioning fate as to why he was brought to me.

How was I to focus and keep myself in-check what with him around?

Not ready to deal with any sort of drama,

For I had to debut,

Even if it was in the expense of being stuck with how many ever people would make it with me,

But I just had to debut,

And keeping that as my goal,

Feelings could be put aside.

 

That was what I told myself.

 

So deciding to give 0 s about Lee Seung Hyun,

Making it fairly obvious,

And knowing very well that any sort of hope out there of ever being with him would be destroyed what with the way I was treating him and the amount of hate he would have for me.

 

Little did I know that all he does is love,

For Lee Seung Hyun is not a boy of hate,

No,

He is the living angel of brightness and joy,

Chirping up anybody who is sad,

Offering anyone a helping hand.

He was everything I was,

And everything I wanted to be.

 

While I let pressures befall me and took them rather negatively,

He always surges through all pitfalls,

Making sure he comes out smiling and achieved.

 

The real definition of victory,

He is,

For he is not a coward of failure,

And hailing from tough times made him embrace the harshest criticisms,

So even though he always manages to come out scathed,

There is true victory enveloping him all the time.

 

And he proved that the day he got rejected by sajangnim,

Manoeuvring his way back again into our lives with his 2^nd chance,

And since then,

Has constantly been proving to us how victory is not a far-fetched dream,

You only need to battle valiantly.

 

Oh, how much I have learnt from him…

 

He indeed is what we proudly address him now,

Others with pride,

And I with pride and so much of love and adoration for my man,

My Seung Ri,

For he became and continues to be my victory too.

 

Ah, Seung Ri…

Catching my reflection of my lips tugged upwards,

And my eyes swirling in very obvious fondness,

I sigh as I settle more comfortably on the seat,

My mind opening the very compartment that rules over all other thoughts,

My thoughts about the man I love,

The man I have claimed as mine,

And my heart beats a million a minute all over again,

Just like the first time I saw him.

 

He is the reason for my existence,

And I mean it in the literal sense,

For he said he would save me,

Would bring me alive,

When I was down at one of the harshest points of my life,

So believing in him,

Believing he would revive me,

I surrendered myself to him,

And all I have felt is revival each time I am with him.

 

My strongest support in times when darkness wraps me in its chilling arms,

He tugs me out with a single pull,

Lightly kissing my forehead,

And wraps me in his arms that have warmth and safety lulling me,

Making me believe everything will be okay,

And it always will,

As long as I am home,

As long as I am with him.

 

Maybe it was during the times we bonded while watching Princess Hours,

Getting me thinking how beautiful he is up close,

With his head thrown back and eyes crinkled in pure joy,

He has always been a sight too ethereal in my eyes.

 

From comfort talks and bouts of laughter,

Came lingering touches of shy hands,

Fingers desperately wanting to entwine,

That led to hugs so intimate that we knew were not brotherly,

And kisses on the cheek that were anything but playful,

Dying to have a taste of the lips we desired to kiss,

The both of us unsure on who would make the first move.

 

The love I have for him,

The respect I always feel for him,

The gratitude I acknowledge every second I spend with him,

It keeps growing with each passing year,

That even after all these years with our worst downfalls and greatest upheavals,

Nothing has broken the bond we have,

Nothing has dwindled the love we share,

Only strengthening the essence of our togetherness.

 

The influence he has in my life is immense,

In him I found family,

Along with the other 3.

 

He is the dictator of my moods,

The only one who can crack me up easily,

My comfort through all my vulnerabilities,

And my biggest and loudest promoter and supporter of everything I do.

 

Complimenting each other,

I find my biggest inspiration in him,

My muse that he is,

He is my soul mate, who spurs me on to live,

To strive smiling each day,

To get something productive done each day and try something new,

To relax and just let go often,

And everything happens so effortlessly with him around.

 

He indeed is my everything,

And I have him evident in each of my works,

For the creator is always indebted to their muse,

And he is the star of all my creations.

 

From top-selling albums,

To sold out concerts,

I am proud of how far I have come,

How far we have come as a group,

And how much more happier I am now than I would have possibly been if it were just Young Bae and me.

 

Still so much about me that I want to show,

So much of my true self that is dying to be on display,

But knowing it will all work out in time,

I wait patiently.

 

For life is not all rainbows and sunshine,

We are facing tough roads now,

And the boy who has been my pillar since the very beginning,

Needs me more now than ever before.

 

Knowing I may have to give up on this stardom,

Knowing I’d willingly give up on anything to protect my boy,

I am ready to take on whatever life throws my way,

For I am nothing without Seung Ri by my side,

I’d be no one without my truest element who made me a lot of who I am today.

 

In these 30 years of my life,

I have counted every blessing that has come my way,

Learnt from every mistake that has trespassed me,

And been grateful for all the other life-changing experiences.

 

With a few minutes left for turning 31,

The car parks at the parking lot,

And I rush to the elevator,

Dying to be in the arms of my beloved.

 

When I ring the doorbell,

Wondering if he probably fell asleep,

The hand of the clock strikes twelve,

And I thank the man behind the door for me turning a happy 31,

Grateful that he is the very essence of my life.

 

So when my cheery panda opens the door for me with Aye near his ankle,

A cake with lit candles in his hand, illuminating the dimly lit living room,

And his most gentle smile thrown my way,

I thank my lucky stars for these 31 years,

And wish for an eternity more.

 

An eternity with the man in front of me,

Because that is all I honestly need.