Wanting someone but not being able to have them breaks you. It makes you weak, slowly killing the fire burning in your heart. It was what she was going through. Her feelings were so strong that she herself couldn’t stop them at this point even if she wanted to. Here she was, on her bed, after a long shift at the restaurant, staring at a photo of a person she can’t have. She was supposed to be sleeping, she was supposed to be sleeping because she had work tomorrow but as tired she was physically, her mind refused to shut off. It refused to stop thinking about that one person.

It was after 3am at night and Wendy was silently crying. It has been like that for weeks now. She was pretending to be all strong, she was known for always being smiley and happy but once in the comfort of her own bed, she cried. What did she do wrong to mess it all up? They were okay. She thought they were okay. After all Wendy had put all the love she has into making that person happy. To make them smile, to get her dreams to become true. Spent every penny she had on a person she thought would stay just to lose them so soon.

No, Wendy wasn’t a person who expected things in return. She didn’t spend all her savings for her friend to go to another country and see their favorite artist expecting something in exchange. She did it because she wanted her to be happy. She wanted her to smile, she wanted her to live the dream she has been talking about for such a long time. Wendy worked extra hours, extra shifts, stayed over, just so she can get more money and make her favorite person happy.

So where did she go wrong? What did she do for her to start distancing herself from Wendy? They lived in the same city, on the same street, in the same building, two floors distance, yet Wendy barely saw her anymore. She barely texted her, her texts always vague, one worded, cold. Somewhere along the way, they started taking different paths. So here was Wendy at 3am, crying herself to sleep again. Being unable to answer any of the questions floating on her mind. Being unable to comprehend the reality, it all just felt like a bad dream. A dream she couldn’t escape.

~

“Wendy, good afternoon!” Seulgi, her supervisor and best friend, patted her back in a greeting once she entered the hall, with her work uniform all put on.

“Seulgi.” Wendy gave her a smile. “Is it okay if I take some more extras next week?” she asked.

Seulgi knew all. She knew everything so the girl just scrunched up her eyebrows in a disapproval. Before she can say anything, Wendy smiled at her, reassuringly. “It’s not for that, I just really need the distraction. Being home suffocates me.”

Seulgi shook her head. “No.” She said. “No more overworking for you. If you want, go out, go to a coffee shop, to the gym, do something but not working.”

Wendy knew the answer long before she asked but it was worth the shot. She nodded her head and headed to prepare herself for 8 hours of cooking.

To be honest, Wendy loved her job. Being a professional chef has always been her dream and the fact she works in her best friend parents’ restaurant, which by the way is very famous around the city, makes her happy. She gets decent amount of money and works with great people. Work really helps her to get the thoughts of her away. She just focuses on her work and loses herself in the art of making a delicious meal.

But today is proving to not be her day. Wendy enters the kitchen and she sees her. Dressed up in a uniform, similar to hers, ready to serve. The chef stops in the track, eyes widening and her breath hitching. Still as beautiful as ever, the uniform and the chef’s hat making her even cuter. What is she doing here? Why is she here, at her work place and why didn’t Seulgi tell her anything.

“Hi.” She hears her soft voice, taking her away from her spiraling thoughts.

“Irene?” She is shocked. The other chefs around her looked shocked that she knows the new girl. “What are you doing here?”

Irene chuckles awkwardly, pointing her uniform. “I’m going to work here.”

Wendy hates her luck. She has always been extremely unlucky person but this has to be the cherry on the top of the cake. How is she supposed to focus now? With the girl she is helplessly in love with working next to her? The same girl who has been ignoring her for weeks now? God help her poor soul.

~

“You knew, Seulgi!” Wendy is talking a bit louder than usual, pacing around Seulgi’s office and Seulgi is a little scared. Wendy never allows herself to get loud like that while arguing. No, Wendy doesn’t allow an argument to start as a whole. So she is definitely mad.

“You knew she will work with me, you know who she is and yet she is right there in the kitchen, being my right hand.” Wendy stopped and looked at her friend slash boss. “The only place I can escape her, now is not existing. It’s not.” Wendy signed and plopped herself on the stool in front of Seulgi’s desk. She put her head in her hands, exhaling loudly, as if trying to stop herself from crying.

Seulgi felt bad. But this wasn’t under her control. Her parents loved Irene’s resume and qualities so she couldn’t protest even if she wanted to. And she did want to. Because as much as she liked Irene, she was using her friend. Her best friend.

Seulgi wasn’t someone who would dislike someone she barely knew, but she did hold a grudge against this Irene. Knowing the way Wendy poured her hear out and gave this girl everything she wanted, yet all she got in return is her heart, but broken. It made her livid because her best friend was the most amazing person in the world and she deserved only love returned to her. Wendy overworked herself for months, spent all her savings on this girl’s trip yet she got spit on in the face by the said girl. How can someone do that? Yet Wendy continued to defend her, telling her she just isn’t open with affection and she has her moments. See? How big her heart was?

She looked at her friend on the opposite side of the desk, barely holding a breakdown. “I had no say in this one. I am sorry. My parents, they-“ Seulgi signed.

Wendy looked up, her eyes full of understanding and smiled at her friend. “That’s okay. Don’t worry. I’ll manage somehow. It’s not your fault.” Wendy got up and Seulgi released a breath. “But” Wendy pointed a finger at her “it is your fault you didn’t warn me so dinner is on you tomorrow night.”

Seulgi just nodded vigorously. She would do anything right now.

~

“Okay my people.” Wendy spoke, just before dinner time started. “The craziness is starting so I want you all focused. Phones away, heads only on the food.” She pointed at James. “Talking to you, James.” He bowed in apology for the day before. “I know we all have personal problems and worries but while we work, we forget them, yes? We relax and enjoy what we love doing and thats it.” They all nodded, even Irene. “Okay, Naomi, I want you on the starters, Finn, you help her.” She pointed and the two chefs nodded, putting their hats on and going to prepare for starters. “Jack and Samuel, you are station meat today. I want you both focused, no mistakes.” She received nods again and the boys went to their places too. “Okay, James and Irene, you take over the sauces. Understood?” Irene nodded, she seemed scared. “Irene, I’d like to speak to you before that.”

Walking out of the kitchen she turned to the girl she was in love with. “Don’t be scared, okay? Relax. It’s your first day thats why I put you on the easy station. I’ll be everywhere to help so if something is unclear ask me. You’re my right hand, I’m sure you’re great.” She smiled at the girl.

“Wendy, I-“

Wendy put a finger up to stop her. “Here, is chef Wendy.” She got a nod and then with her head she pointed the girl to go to the kitchen. After she left, Wendy exhaled hard and put a smile on her face. “Time for work”

~

Wendy took of her hat and exhaled.

“I’ve never seen you like that, you know.” A voice came from behind her.

She chuckled and turned around to see Irene in her casual clothes.

“You were amazing.” Wendy was used to compliments like that but coming from this special someone meant so much more.

“Thank you.”

“Wendy” Irene started. “How are you?”

Wendy looked up at her and titled her head as if to question. She smiles and asks “I’m okay, why?”

Irene keeps the eye contacts when she replies “Because I know when you’re not okay.”

Wendy laughs. Like a very fake, more like sarcastic laugh and shakes her head. “Well good for you, Irene. But maybe if you weren’t ignoring me for weeks you’d know.” She spit the words, without thinking, surprising even Irene who never saw her answering like that. Wendy took a breath before continuing. “Now if you excuse me, I’ll change and go home. Have things to do.” And she was out of the kitchen before Irene can process what was said.

~

Wendy is scolding herself. It’s past 3am once again but she can’t sleep. Earlier Irene sent her a message saying ‘I’m sorry’ but what she was sorry for? Wendy didn’t know. She didn’t reply. She left the message unopened and took a long shower before going to bed. But here she was again, in bed, past 3am, not being able to sleep. She had a free day tomorrow so that’s okay, but her mind..it still drifted to her. Why did Wendy allow herself to have feelings again? She swore to never go through that again after her last heartbreak of unrequited love yet here she was, once again, suffering. Her heart was aching stronger than the last time, because this time she knew she had a chance. She knew it wasn’t unrequited yet what happened? Did Irene lose interest in her? How come so suddenly?

She used to shower her with messages, showing affection and love, well as much as a reserved girl can. She had her moments that made Wendy happy.

Truth was that Wendy had never had a contact with that much of a reserved girl. She didn’t mean it in a bad way. Irene was amazing, she was just very introverted and quiet. She wouldn’t talk much, she liked to observe and to just be there, listening. She didn’t know how to express her affection or probably was shy to do so, Wendy didn’t know. She had her moments where she would made Wendy blush or her heart would flutter but still, it was completely different from Wendy. As someone who was raised abroad, Wendy was used to show affection, it was something natural to her. Be it a hug or nice words, it was how she was, it was who she was. Then she meets the complete opposite of herself and yet she somehow falls in love. She didn’t know when it happened but one morning she woke up and she just knew she was in love with Irene.

‘Maybe it was the affection.’ Wendy thinks to herself while staring at the ceiling. It could be. Wendy would shower the girl with compliments, would tell her nice things, maybe that’s what is scaring her away. After all, this could scare everyone who isn’t used to it. ‘But why not tell me?’ Wendy is now talking softly in the dark, only silence as an answer.

Exhaling loudly, she turns to her left side and forces herself to sleep. Before she is even close to sleep she hears a beep, signaling a message. ‘Who the heck would text me at 3am?’ she groans and turns around to take her phone.

Are you asleep? - bjh

Wendy is wide awake now, surprised that she is awake so late. She is usually in bed by 10pm but now with work finishing at 11:30pm she probably can’t sleep.

No. Wendy replies

What she gets as a response surprised her even more

Not surprised, you’re always awake at this hour. - bjh

What’s up? Why are YOU awake at this hour?

Can’t sleep. - bjh

That’s clear, but why?

Because I can’t stop thinking about you. - bjh

Wendy’s breath hitches. This is bold, something so unlike Irene

Why me?

The message comes a bit later, probably because Irene herself didn’t know how to respond.

Because it’s always you. - bjh

Wendy thinks life has to be joking with her. What did she do to deserve this? As long as she remembers has never done something bad so why? Why is life playing with her like that.

Just go sleep, Irene. You have a long day tomorrow.

And she sees the message has been read, but no reply comes. ‘Good’

Truth is, Wendy is tired. She is tired of getting her hopes up just to see them being crushed and now she is starting to build walls around herself to protect her poor heart, the heart that doesn’t deserve any of this.

She knew Irene was a great person. She was just very oblivious of how she hurts her. As much as Wendy pretends to be okay she isn’t and she can’t bottle it up anymore. There is a limit of how much weight one can bare on their shoulders and Wendy has reached it.

Maybe she should give up? Not only of Irene but give up of love. She should just shut her feelings and lock them deep inside her heart. Feelings are a bad thing. They allow you to have expectations and expectations ruin everything. Wendy remembers her mom telling her ‘Expectations, my dear, lead to disappointment. Have hope, not expectations. You might just be surprised, but not disappointed.’ And Wendy honestly tried to live by this but sometimes you can’t stop yourself from having expectations, just like you can’t stop yourself from catching feelings no matter how much you want to avoid it.

Irene used to call them soulmates. She used to say she feels like they’re soulmates because Wendy understands her so well and always knows when and what to say to cheer her up. Soulmates have this connection and even Wendy herself has felt it sometimes, the way they just ‘click’ but maybe it was all a lie. A delusion they created, something that neither if them can grasp. Wendy closes her eyes, sleep overtaking her later than ever.

~

A soft knock could be heard on the door. Wendy is doing nothing really, just in her bed reading a book and enjoying her free day. She raises an eyebrow because she isn’t expecting anyone and Seulgi will surely send a message to warn her she is passing by. She marks the page of her book and stands up.

Opening the door, she sees Irene, dressed in her casual clothes and a backpack.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you?” She says and smiles a little

Wendy moves away to let the girl in while shaking her head. “Not at all, Irene. Please, come in.”

Once the door is closed, Irene seats herself on the sofa and after Wendy settles the cup of water Irene asked for, she also sits.

“Aren’t you working today?” Wendy asked

Irene laughed and nodded. “I still have couple of hours before my shift.”

Wendy nodded in response and waited for the other girl to speak.

“Wendy.” Irene started looking up. “You know I’m not good at expressing my feelings, neither I am good at talking.” She started “I’m the type of person to observe and just listen. It’s better that way.” Wendy was confused where this was going but she just nodded. “Saying all this, I am here to talk. To express my feelings and give you answers. I know I’ve confused you and it wasn’t my purpose at all.” Irene sighned. “I like you.” She looked straight into Wendy’s eyes. “So much that I don’t even know how to express it. I thought all I’m doing is enough but one day while I was in Seoul you