__

So it rings again.

Jaejoong glances over to where he’s sitting on the bench near the gray hospital building and lets out a deep sigh. It’s not the one he’s been looking for. He feels tired.

Sluggishly, he drags himself over to the plain looking payphone and picks up the receiver. Silence greets him on the other end. It’s how they always start their conversations, even after so many years.

‘Hey,’ a warm voice greets him and Jaejoong smiles, ‘there you are again. It’s two o’clock and I don’t see you around. I guess it’s not the right one.’

‘No, I guess it’s not,’ Jaejoong says and inhales deeply, his heartbeat picking up. No matter how many times he talks to the other, he still gets butterflies in his stomach.

‘Let’s just try again next week?’

‘Yes, let’s,’ Jaejoong nods, trying to chase the tiredness away. He’s been spending too much time trying to find the other, but he doesn’t want to waste their short time together whining. They only have ten minutes to talk.

‘I’m always looking for you, ok?’

'Okay.'

For a moment there’s silence between them and then the same deep voice comes back to life. This time it’s more quiet, sounding almost apologetic.

‘Jae, sweetheart, I really am sorry. I wish I could help you.’

‘But you can’t,’ Jaejoong shakes his head even though the other can’t see him. He doesn’t want to talk about this nonsense, it doesn’t matter how tired he feels. No matter how many more years it takes him, he’s going to find his soulmate.

‘But I feel so useless,’ the man on the other end whines, sounding childish, ‘it’s just that you’re out there doing all the work and then there’s me, bringing everyone down. I’m so sorry that I’m this useless. I swear that the moment I get better—’

‘You will help me, I know,’ Jaejoong says, cutting the other off. No matter how down he feels, no matter how close he is to giving up, the other always gives him strength. He always finds a way to cheer him up, even if he doesn't do anything.

‘I know, I know. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.’

‘Somehow it feels like it is.’

‘It’s not,’ Jaejoong lets out a small huff and rests his body against the nearby wall. There he is, at yet another payphone, and not a bit closer to finding his soulmate.

Maybe this is fine. Maybe talking like this is enough. Maybe he won’t even like the other when they meet. 

‘How are you today?’ he asks, changing the topic, and takes a look at his watch. They’ve got only a couple of minutes left.

‘Better.’

‘What do the doctors say?’

‘Not much. They’re pretty shocked that I’m still alive.’

‘I’m pretty shocked that you’re still alive.’

‘Really? I wouldn’t die that easily on you. You know me better than that.’

‘Do I?’ he asks and bites his tongue, not to say anything more.

He knows. He knows better. He must act strong and be fine with this. The other’s told him countless times not to cry over him, but Jaejoong can’t help it. It’s not like he’s the one dying in some old hospital building while the other’s searching frantically to find him.

He swallows the tears down but some still escape, falling quietly on the dust covered ground. All he can do now is stand there and count.

‘Our time is almost up,’ he whispers and the man on the other end sighs, his voice like a caress against his cold cheek.

‘I know, sweetheart, I know. Sleep well, ok? And eat well. Please take care of yourself and don’t worry too much.’

‘l'll try,’ Jaejoong nods, swallowing down the knot in his throat.

Fine. This is fine. He is fine.

‘And you do the same,’ he says, voice calm, and then there’s silence again. It’s always awkward when they end their conversations, there’s always so much left unsaid.

‘Goodbye, Jae.’

‘Goodbye.’

And the line goes dead.

__

‘Maybe it’s time to give up?’ Junsu asks as he looks up from his coffee and Jaejoong drops his gaze. Somehow he feels guilty just discussing it.

‘How can I give up? We’ve been talking forever.’

‘A couple of years is not forever, Jae.’

‘But-’

He looks to the side, a lonely spider making its way across the floor. Forever sounds like a long time, a couple of years do not.

‘But how can I even stop?’

‘Easy. You just don’t call him anymore. Don’t answer any calls, don’t seek him out,’ Junsu shrugs and downs the rest of his drink. He pulls his face in a disgusted scowl.

'This coffee is truly unacceptable.’

Jaejoong sighs.

How can that be easy?

Because for him giving up is the hardest part. In his eyes, his friend is the weird one. No matter how he looks at it, soulmates are important. They are worth more than what any amount of money can buy him. And yet, no matter how hard he tries to convince his friend, he simply doesn’t get it.

‘I can’t.’

‘Oh, you can. Trust me, you can,’ Junsu says as he rolls his eyes, ‘just live a normal life.’

It’s Jaejoong’s time to rolls his eyes. For him, trying to find his soulmate is a normal life.

‘Do you have any ideas how many payphones there are in Seoul alone? ’

Jaejoong opens his mouth, then closes it, because he really doesn’t know.

'Tell me?'

‘More than ten thousand!’

‘Really?’

‘And there are thousands more in other cities!’

‘Oh.’

He bites his lip, trying to think of something to answer to that. Ok, so maybe Junsu is right. That is a really big number. But it’s not like he needs to visit every single payphone out there, he only need to find the ones close to a hospital.

‘You don’t even know his name.’

'So what?'

‘Then how are you going to find him? Even if you happened to be really close to each other, how will you ever find him?

‘I—’

He doesn’t really know. He hasn’t thought about that.

‘I’m sure it will work out.’

‘See? That’s insane! And you ask me why I don’t look for my soulmate? Because it’s nonsense. Why the hell would I waste my time and money chasing after someone I don’t even know?’

His friend looks furious, his face red, and his kind eyes are boring into his own.

‘It’s a devil’s trap, I tell you, a terrible thing. If it were me, I’d pass a law that bans every single payphone in this country. I’m sick of people like you wasting their lives away. You’re chasing after a fairytale,’ and with that Junsu crosses his arms, letting out an angry huff.

A fairytale? Maybe...

Jaejoong presses his lips together and looks out of the window. The spider on the floor quickly crawls up the wall and hides into its net.

Maybe Junsu is right, but he just can’t give up.

__

It’s two o’clock in the afternoon and the phone rings again.

Jaejoong looks over at the red telephone booth, fascinated by his newest find. He’s never seen one like this before.  

He marvels at the beautiful color before he gets in and pick the phone up. The familiar silence greets him and he waits for the other to speak. He doesn’t know why they always waste the first minute on not saying anything, but it feels right. It’s like a warm embrace after a tiring day.

‘Hey. Not the right one again,’ the deep voice makes it into his ears and Jaejoong smiles in response. He’s not sure what there is to add. 

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Good.’

The silence between them grows.

It’s not that Jaejoong doesn’t understand that it’s self destructive to go on like this, he doesn’t want to understand. A relationship like this is not going to work, they were doomed from the very start. And yet he keeps coming back.

‘How’s the treatment?’

‘Good.’

‘And the doctors?’

‘Good.’

‘And—’

‘Jaejoong, please, let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about something different. I want to hear your  voice, that’s all I want to hear.’

'Oh.'

Jaejoong falls silent, staring at the ground. He smiles into the receiver, his sadness so pronounced that the other must be be feeling it on the other side.

‘Ok, sure, let’s talk about me then. What do you want to hear? I’m doing fine and I’m not sick and the weather is really nice. I got a new job recently, it pays better... and it’s our five year anniversary tomorrow. Do you remember the first time we spoke to each other? I really fell in love that day.’

His heartbeat slows down at those words, everything else becoming unimportant. No matter how anxious he feels, this always calms him down.

‘Right, sweetheart, we need to talk about that,’ the other tells him quietly and something in his voice warns Jaejoong that this is not going to end well. He should stop talking to him before it’s too late. He should cut the call short now.

‘What about it?’

‘I don’t want you to look for me anymore.’

‘What?’

‘Don’t look for me anymore. I’m not worth the trouble.’

Jaejoong can’t believe what he’s hearing. For a moment, he thinks he must have misunderstood something. This is ridiculous. This is absolutely unacceptable.

‘I know what you’re thinking,’ the other says before he’s managed to get a word out. His voice is calm and collected but Jaejoong’s anger flares up, ‘I know that you’re going to try and protest, but it’s really the only way.’

The dam breaks then.

‘How can you say that!’ Jaejoong yells, finally finding his voice. It’s the silence on the other end that scares him because how long has it been? Three, four, five minutes? They’ve only got a couple more left. If their call is getting cut short, will he ever get to hear from the other again?

‘Please, wait, no—‘

‘Jae, I love you. Please know that I love you.’

His body goes completely still. No. This is not happening. This is all wrong. How does he stop this. How does he go back in time?

‘Wait, no—‘ he starts again but the other cuts him short.

‘It’s not because I don’t love you that I’m doing this. It’s because I love you too much.’

‘Wait, stop—‘

’No. Jae, Jaejoongie, please listen to me. I know that this is sudden and that it may seem unfair to you, but how many times have we tried breaking the rules?’

A lot.

Jaejoong stares at the floor, his mind completely blank. He remembers the first time he picked up the phone. 

‘Don’t you remember how we tried to go against all odds? Didn’t we spite our destiny as if it couldn’t spite us back?’

‘Yes, we did,’ Jaejoong admits, letting his eyes fall closed. Oh, how they did. So many times did he try to tell the other just where he was, so many time he tried to force his name out of his lungs.

And then, one day, he succeeded.

The phone stayed silent for months after that. He felt absolutely terrible every single day of it.

‘No matter how hard we try, we just can’t meet up. As if we’re running in circles, trying to chase something that wasn’t meant to be. You’re spreading yourself too thin, sweetheart, wearing yourself out.’

‘Don’t call me that. I hate that.’

‘And I love it, I love it so very much. My love, my beautiful soulmate, don’t be bitter with me.’

‘How can I not?’ Jaejoong asks, tears falling down his cheeks, ‘and don’t call me beautiful, you don’t even know how I look.’

‘That doesn’t matter. That doesn't matter at all. You will always be the most beautiful person in my life.’

‘No—‘

‘Yes. Don’t waste your time on me. I’ve got no more time left to waste.’

‘Wait, no, listen to me. Please don’t leave, please don’t leave me now, I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to stop.’

His voice cracks as he says that, his throat closing up.

‘Goodbye, Jae.’

‘No, please don’t, please—‘ he panics, begging now, but there’s nothing but that dreadful silence greeting him on the other end.

Their time is up. There’s nothing he can do about it now. It feels so unbearably unfair.

‘ you!’ Jaejoong slams the phone away and screams at it, starting to tear the whole place down. This stupid fancy telephone booth, this stupid red telephone is terrible! It never happened in the normal ones, this must be some kind of a cursed, evil, god forsaken—

He stops.

What the hell is he doing? It’s just a telephone booth. It doesn’t have a mind on its own. The one who has a mind on his own just decided to give up on them.

Jaejoong always thought he would be the one to break. Turns out, he was dead wrong. 

Quietly, he puts the receiver back and steps out of the small space. The red color hurting his eyes.

Five years. He’s been doing this for five years. And now he’s finally free.

__

It’s a nice day. There are birds chirping outside of the window, the sun is shining brightly, and the hospital ward is warm.

‘Mom, please take better care of yourself. Don’t give me such a scare again,’ Jaejoong smiles as he gives the elderly woman a hug and bows to the doctor tending to her. She smiles back at him and promises to be good, listening carefully to what she’s being told.

Quietly, Jaejoong slips out of the room, stretching his neck to one side until it gives out a satisfying crack.

It’s been a while. 

‘Kim Jaejoong?’ one of the nurses comes up to him, her eyes taking upon a thoughtful expression, ‘please sign here,’ she tells him as she hands him the papers, ‘we will get everything ready for you to take your mother back home.’

‘Thank you,’ he nods and smiles, the nurse hesitating as she hands him the pen.

‘I really can’t help the feeling that I know you from somewhere,’ she finally says as she stares, Jaejoong giving her a brief glance.

‘Really? Have we met before?’ he asks before he looks over the papers, signing them. He sure as hell has never seen her.

‘No, I don’t think we have. But something about you feels familiar.’

'Oh?' he chuckles, smirking in response, 'this is not the first time that happens, actually. My face is very unique.’

‘Right.’

‘So maybe a picture on SNS? People take them of me randomly. I’m usually not one to be much in the public—‘

‘Name!’ the nurse bursts out without waiting for him to finish, startling him badly, ‘it’s not your face that I recognize, it is your name! That’s why I thought you were familiar!’

Jaejoong doesn’t know what to say.

‘Oh, you see,’ she laughs awkwardly, trying to explain herself, ‘I used to have a patient who was in love with someone named Jaejoong. I thought that’s a really pretty name. He had the most amazing stories to tell.’

‘A patient?’ Jaejoong asks, a cold dread creeping in his heart. It couldn’t possibly be...

‘Yes, a handsome young man, always really polite.  But oh, I’m sorry, this has nothing to do with you,’ the nurse apologizes, realizing how awkward she must have made him feel. She turns around, Jaejoong panicking when she starts walking away, and he grab her arm roughly, pulling her back. 

‘No, wait.’

What is he doing?

‘Can you— can you maybe tell me more about this patient?’

No. He should stop. This is bad.

‘I mean— I don’t really know him or anything and you don’t really have to tell me but— I have a feeling that maybe— maybe—’

He needs to stop. He needs to stop before it’s gone too far.

‘— maybe it was me he was talking about.’

He falls silent and the nurse looks at him nervously, her observant eyes boring into him. Then, she slowly nods her head, her expression thoughtful.

‘Maybe. Possibly. It might as well have been you. You are very beautiful after all, and my patient always said that his Jaejoong was the most beautiful person in the world.’

Oh, it hurts. It really really hurts.

‘Did he now? And how did he know?’ Jaejoong asks, the nurse shrugging, her expression unchanging.

‘I was wondering about that as well but he said that it didn’t matter. No matter how he looked, his soulmate was the most beautiful one. He was a really weird guy.’

Jaejoong takes a sharp inhale, feeling his throat closing up. No. No more crying. It’s been over a year and he’s fulfilled his crying quota for the rest of his life.

‘What happened?’ he asks, his grip on the nurse's arm loosening, and she quickly retrieves her hand, rubbing at the place he grabbed. It must have hurt quite a lot and Jaejoong feels sorry. He didn’t mean to do that.

‘Did he— is he—’ but he doesn’t know how to ask. He knows what he needs to ask but he can’t bring himself to say those words. 

The nurse seems to notice his hesitation and her eyes turn sympathetic.

‘He died last year, sweetheart. He wasn’t responding well to the treatment.’

‘Right.’

Of course. Of course he did. But he already knew that.

‘Was it last summer?’

‘Yes,’ the nurse nods, one of her hands reaching up to squeeze his shoulder. Jaejoong appreciates the gesture but it does nothing to make him feel better.

‘In June?’

‘In June.’

Their anniversary month. It’s the last time he spoke to the other. It’s the last time he heard his voice.

‘Sweetheart, listen,’ the nurse starts and Jaejoong looks up, his feelings like an open book written on his face, ‘he really loved you, okay? You were the biggest joy in his life, none of us had doubts about that.’

Right. But he already knew that. 

‘There wasn’t a day when he didn’t tell us about his Jaejoong. He wasn’t even supposed to live that long. He was always waiting for you to come.’

‘But I didn’t.’

‘No, you didn’t,’ she admits, her hand squeezing his shoulder even harder, ‘but he never really expected you to. He said that it was enough. That even if you two didn't ever meet, there were a hundred thousand other lifetimes when you would.’

Jaejoong nods, the knot in his throat not letting go. He quickly wipes at his eyes to get the moistness out of them, and chuckles miserably.

Isn’t it funny? He’s never even met this man, but it feels like he’s always known him. As if he’s always been there beside him.

‘Can I contact his family? Can you tell me their phone number? Address?’

‘I’m sorry, sweetie, I can’t do that,’ the nurse says, her eyes telling him how sorry she is. And Jaejoong understands. Maybe he could beg her, maybe he could intimidate or threaten her, but he’s not going to do any of that. What’s the use of chasing butterflies when they die the moment you’ve caught them?

‘Can I at least know his name?’ he asks, a sad smile setting on his lips, ‘please, that’s all I’m asking from you.’

The nurse looks at him for a long time, the silence between them spreading, before she sighs and gives him a nod.

‘Yunho. His name was Yunho. And he loved his Jaejoong to his final breath.’

end