ONE
FIX YOUFIX YOU
01/26/2017 11:27PM
Hello,
I don’t know if this is going to reach anyone - if it does then I'm going to apologize in advance, sorry for dragging you into this. I don’t even know why I’m writing this to begin with or if I’m ever going to hit send. You see… My therapist has been telling me to write how I feel, write everything that comes to mind… I try… oh how I try… there were days where I'd pick up a pen and stare at this cute little journal I randomly picked up at a store once, staring at it until I begin to see black spots in the corner of my eyes. I try my damnedest to write but I don't. I can't. Which could be why I'm typing this at 2 in the morning, I'm trying, really… and it somehow this seems to be working… so here goes…
I don't know what to do anymore … I’ve been finding myself looking up at the sky every night lately, wishing for a shooting star… to be honest, just wishing for anything really. Anything that could help me make everything turn out differently than it did. You know how they say about wanting something so much that if you wished for it strongly enough, willed it, hoped for it, that for some strange reason it might… could… happen? Well, they're lying… I've been wishing, hoping, praying, hell I’ve been cursing God over and over again -- but it doesn’t happen, could never happen and will never happen. I'm just so ing tired and fed up. They keep telling me not to blame myself, that everything will turn out just fine. But they don't. I wake up each morning with the same sick empty feeling. I wished they'd stop with the "I know how it feels" -- how could anyone know how another feels? They don't know, I don't tell them. But it hurts… It’s a white searing pain in my chest that won't go away, no matter how hard I try. It chokes and it stifles and it cuts off my hold on things. I… just want it to go away… Oh how I wish it would go away.
-MRJK
Lisa stared at the email, half expecting it to disappear. Half expecting that it was a mistake and that her eyes were playing tricks on her. When her laptop dinged, she was hoping it was a job offer from one of the agencies she applied to, not an email from a random stranger who for some reason decided it was best to pour their heart out in the middle of the night. It practically bled with so much pain, oozing at the screen and slowly burrowing into Lisa's heart. The cursor hovered above “delete”, Lisa was torn between deleting the email and wanting to reach out to the person hurting on the other side of this email. She knew she had a soft heart like that. Reading through it again, whoever wrote it was going through something painful -- it was kind of obvious. The words from the email stared back at her, screamed at her from the screen.
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SUBJECT: HEY :)
Hey you,
I’m not sure if you were expecting a reply, if you thought the email you sent would have gone to a dead email account or if it made its way directly to the recipients spam or delete folder or something… But uh-- it didn’t so… How are you? Sh*t, that’s basically the worst way to start this off. I’m bad at this sort of stuff so I’m pretty sure you picked the wrong random email to send this to. Anyways, doesn't everyone want to, in one way or another, have some kind of connection with the unknown? You know, just the thought that perhaps there's something out there that has greater control over us -- be it a shooting star, a birthday candle or a prayer. There’s something about that great unknown that calls out to us in a way. Well… that was never my thing MRJK, I never did believe in it, but that doesn’t mean I hate the thought of it though -- there’s this childlike innocence that comes with making a wish. A brief moment where we forget about the things that hurt and . That safe little place where we felt unbeatable, where for a brief amount of time we felt we could do anything, have anything we want. It sounds awesome right? But the thing is, it only offers a brief escape from the harshness of reality, and you’ll find yourself in the same exact place you were before making the wish. Doesn’t that hurt more? Wishing, expecting, getting disappointed, and going back to square one? Back to that same old dark place where we always felt powerless. Back to that sick old feeling. It’s a sad, sad, vicious cycle. A cycle I don’t want you to go through. Pain can be a b*tch, but sometimes pain is what you need to realize that you’re human too. And the thing about humans is that they don’t have full control over the things that happen to them. Things happen just because they do and need to.
-L
Lisa hit send before thinking it through. There. Dwelling over it would’ve prevented her from hitting that send button. It was the least she could do, she knew perfectly well how it felt to hurt inside. To hurt inside and drown at the same time, afraid of calling out to the people around her. Afraid of pulling them in with her, they didn’t deserve that. MRJK didn’t deserve that. No one deserves to go through that.
She glanced at the clock - 03:05AM. She had a very important interview with one of the big dance agencies in the city tomorrow morning and she didn’t want to mess this up like the others. Stretching, Lisa made her way back to the comfort of her bed, staring at the ceiling for God knows how long, until sleep took over. The email the only thing she could think about.
----------------------------------------------------
Lisa decided it was better to skip breakfast. It was either bacon and toast or finally getting hired as an assistant dance instructor. It’s a no brainer, she’d choose the latter over the former anytime -- no matter how tempting the first option was.
YG Dance Studio was a well known dance agency and school in the city. They’ve been home to many great dancers in the past couple years. Lisa hopes she had an impressive enough credential and hopefully an even more impressive dance routine to earn her a coveted spot in the company. She was told by the receptionist to wait outside as the big shot directors talk amongst themselves if she was qualified for the next round -- or not.
Lisa felt her phone vibrate, a notification on her lock screen indicated a new email….
HEY :)
01/27/2017 10:19AM
I’m sorry… whoever you are… I was really not expecting anyone would reply… you can delete whatever it is I sent you and forget about what happened.
-J
It took Lisa five whole minutes to read and re-read the damn email, not fully understanding what the words meant at the first try, fighting back the urge to curse around the second time and finally letting out an audible groan when she read it the third time around. There were still applicants waiting to be called in for their routines that hovered around the waiting room nervously and Lisa figured it would be a long day before the results were announced. Might as well entertain myself, right?
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SUBJECT: RE: HEY :)
J
I like how we’re keeping up with this anonymous facade with each other. I’ll continue being that mysterious L ;). Have you ever watched the anime though? Death note? I liked his character a lot. Never mind… Just know that my inbox is always open whenever you’re up to talking about whatever it is that’s bothering you. I won’t give you the usual “I know how it feels” crap -- promise :)
- L
“Applicant 27? Lalisa Manoban?.”
Lisa had just pressed “send” when she heard her name being called…
“Lalisa Manoban? Is she here?”
“That would be me.” Lisa jot her hand up in the air, calling out the attention of the receptionist at the front.
“Can you come with me? The board would like to get to know you more.”
A/N: rewrote chapter 1 cuz I wasn't really happy with how it originally turned out.
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