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Progression

 

It was like Minseok never even stood a chance.

 

The first time he meets Junmyeon, the younger already had three years’ worth of experience on him, already had a reputation as the kind guy who many people depended on. Looking back, Junmyeon reminded him a lot of those class president characters in anime shows, the kind that was reliable. The kind of guy you would go to when you had problems.

 

“You’re Minseok, right?” were Junmyeon’s first words to him. “I’m Junmyeon. Let’s be friends!”

And the smile he flashed Minseok afterwards was just too bright that Minseok decided not to bring up the fact that he was a year older.

(Maybe it also helped that Junmyeon was the first person to actually know and call him by his name, and not mistake him as Chinese.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Here you go.”

Minseok looks up from his phone, making sure to pause the video. The fancam was an absolute gem and he cannot afford to miss a second.

It’s Junmyeon, and he’s handing him a piece of paper. Minseok takes it with a small frown, confused.

“Apparently they’re looking for some extras for that new music video of SNSD sunbaenims,” Junmyeon explains. “Maybe you could give it a try?”

“Nah, I think I’ll pass,” Minseok smiles. Maybe if it was for DBSK he’ll actually try for it. (He was still a little sad that he didn’t get to appear in the HaHaHa Song). “But thanks for letting me know.”

The younger tilts his head, confused. “Why not? You look great, and you sing well too.”

Minseok snorts. “There are so many others who are more handsome, and it’s not like I’ll be singing in the video, so…”

Junmyeon shrugs and starts walking away. “I still think your singing is great, though.”

Minseok tries to go back to his fancam, but not even Changmin’s dancing can distract him enough.

Brat, he thinks as he smiles to himself. He talks as if I’m a genius or something.

Junmyeon was the kind that complimented everybody, and it shouldn’t affect Minseok so much.

 

(It does, anyway.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What do you think about this?” Luhan asked Minseok as he passed him the ball with a soft kick. Minseok tracks the movement of the ball over the grass, still quite damp from the morning dew.

Minseok thinks he’s talking about soccer, but Luhan goes on saying, “You and I, we’re both older than he is, and there’s Yifan too. Don’t you think this will cause problems later on?”

Oh, so he was talking about Junmyeon. They had a meeting with the executives of the company this morning. They had been assigned their roles—leader, main vocals, lead vocals, lead dancers and so on.

Minseok considered it for a minute while dribbling the ball on his knees. Sure, he was older than Junmyeon. It was usually the older members who led the group, but then again Junmyeon trained longer than any of them did. Plus if it weren’t Junmyeon and Yifan, who else would lead them? He couldn’t imagine any other members doing it. He tells Luhan so.

“Training is good, yeah,” Luhan agrees. “But do you think that’s enough? Will he be a good leader?”

 

 

 

It’s been almost a year since their company announced that they’ll be debuting next spring. They only had a few weeks left before their debut showcase, and a lot of things still needed polishing. There was that, and the fact that Minseok was going to promote with five others in China as EXO-M. He didn’t mind having to learn Mandarin, or having a stage name like Xiumin. It was just that… everyone else was something. Jongdae sang so well. Luhan, too, and he looked like an angel. Yifan was godlike, and his rapping made him so much cooler. Yixing was the main dancer, there was no question about it. And Zitao, he was the show stopper. His dark blazing eyes and overflowing charisma as he moved was breathtaking. But as for Minseok… what was he? He was sang and danced well, but then what…? What was his role?

“Minseok-ah, your eyes are really pretty.”

Minseok is startled out of his thoughts. He’d been lying down on the floor of the practice room, drained after four straight hours of dancing. Junmyeon was sitting beside him, back leaned against the mirrored wall.

 “You don’t even need double eyelids,” the younger continues with awe in his voice. “Your eyes are so big already. It’s almost like a cat’s.”

“Yah, stop it,” Minseok grins anyway. “They’re not even that special. Sometimes they’re too pointy for my taste. Makes me look like that fat villain in Dragon Ball.”

“You mean Majin Buu?” Junmyeon asks. “Why?”

Do you really need to ask? Minseok winces inwardly as he sits up. He hated talking about things like this. “Because I’m fat. My cheeks are fat, my body’s fat. I’m just, yeah. Fat.”

Junmyeon fixes him with a stare, giving him a once-over that has Minseok looking down at his toes, not wanting to see the disgust slowly appear in the other’s eyes. He’d seen that look enough from everybody. He didn’t need to see that from Junmyeon, too. He wonders why it matters to him, however. It wasn’t like he and Junmyeon were particularly close. But for some reason he didn’t want Junmyeon to hate him.

A pinch on his cheek abruptly brings Minseok out of his thoughts.

“I like your cheeks though?” Junmyeon smiles at him. “They’re squishy and cute.”

Minseok blinks, but before he could come up with a better response, Junmyeon jumps up to his feet. “Back to practice!” he says brightly. “Could you show me that move again, please? You’re much better at dancing than I am.”

Minseok can only shake his head in disbelief. Junmyeon didn’t lie, didn’t coo at him in pity, didn’t offer him the usual It’s okay, I’m sure you’’ll lose weight soon enough! There was just acknowledgement, and better yet, acceptance.

How was he so good at dispelling dark thoughts and make people feel great about themselves at the same time? How did he even know about Minseok’s insecurities? Probably the same way he knew to always bring pain relief patches for Yixing and Jongin, to bring extra kimbap rolls for Chanyeol who always forgot to eat, to sneak vegetables and meat on Yifan’s plate because the Chinese leader tended to rely on health supplements too much.

With a grin, Minseok gets on his feet. “Yah, is that how the future leader of our group should be?” he teases. “You’re almost as bad as Jongdae, and his dancing horrendous.”

“Stop it,” Junmyeon laughs. “At least we make you guys crack up with our moves.”

“That you do,” Minseok agrees as he turns the music on. Junmyeon quickly stands in position, preparing for the first notes of their debut song. Minseok watches the younger as he concentrates on each move, dancing passionately albeit clumsily. His dancing was far from perfect, but it makes Minseok smile anyway.

Yes, he thinks. He’ll definitely be a good leader.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Junmyeon was like a secret, but never felt like the mysterious type. He made everybody feel like they knew him well. He was generous with his smiles, his encouragements, his jokes. But somehow he wasn’t the same when it came to his sighs, his tears, his frowns.

As a bystander, it was easy for Minseok to observe. He was never close enough to Junmyeon for him to be called a friend, but he wasn’t a total stranger either. At best, he would categorize them as colleagues who got along well enough to hang out together from time to time.

Sometimes he played a game with himself called Spot the Sad Junmyeon. It was a challenge, trying to find the kinks in the armor. It became much harder after they had debuted as EXO, too. They saw each other rarely especially during promotions, but Minseok took note of how at each time, the younger looked more and more stiff. It was almost like Junmyeon was hardening himself on the outside, layer by layer, fake smile after fake smile.

Minseok wondered why. It wasn’t the same with Yifan, and he was their leader too. Maybe it was a matter of personality?

He only gets glimpses of K whenever they had breaks or had to come back to Korea, but a year later they get the announcement that they will be promoting as a single group this time. No K or M. Just EXO.

Minseok was mostly glad about the news. Sure, it meant a much louder dorm, especially with Baekhyun, Jongdae and Chanyeol under the same roof, but… somehow it just felt better this way. More complete.

Barely a week in the dorm with K, and Minseok finally figures it out.

There’s Jongin, always absorbed in training, practicing to make his already brilliant dancing even better. Sehun, who was still unsure of himself, contradictory in that he tended to shy away from most people but was constantly seeking the attention of his hyungs. Kyungsoo was a little more like Minseok, who mostly spent his time alone watching movies and anime ( he’d told Minseok to watch the movie called Air Doll, and Minseok trusted Kyungsoo’s taste but then again he was the same guy that recommended Izo and Architecture 101 in the same sentence). Baekhyun worked hard on his dancing, too, in order to make up for his short trainee period (not that he has particularly bad, however. Minseok could tell that Baekhyun was a good dancer, if only he would stop goofing off). Chanyeol worked on songs more, staying up almost all night looking like a ghost with the perpetual glow of his laptop.

All of them were caught up in their own thing, driven and passionate and self-absorbed.

Kids.

They were all out-and-out, absolute kids.

All except one, of course.

The dynamics of EXO-K was so different from M’s. With M, everyone was usually off quietly doing their own thing. K was like this bubbling cauldron of restless energy, constantly needing stoking lest it boils over.

Minseok watched as the younger members clung to Junmyeon, sometimes to whine but most times just for the sake of having his attention. They were all fickle in that they would all tease and jeer at the leader one moment, and then shower him with affection the next. It must have been so stressful, and now with M added to the mix Minseok can only imagine how exhausted Junmyeon must be.

It never shows, however, not even during their “family meetings” that Junmyeon arranges. Complaints are heard, compliments shared. It’s supposed to be the time when everyone gets to vent their feelings or frustrations, but somehow even then Junmyeon was a listener. He would nag at times, along with Kyungsoo and Jongdae. But that was it.

Still, it was kind of amazing that Junmyeon could make them all sit together like that and actually talk. The cool “city boy” Yifan (who has to be called Kris at all times now except at their dorms) talked about being homesick and even came close to crying once. Even the mostly silent Jongin speaks up.

Minseok doesn’t talk much there, however. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he really did not have anything much to say. Life was tiring, training was tiring, promotions were tiring, concerts were tiring… but that was all a given wasn’t it? It was probably odd, but he thought the tiredness was fulfilling. Because if he was tired it meant he was doing something.

“Minseok-ah, what about you?” Junmyeon asks him anyway, like always.

“Nah, I’m doing great.”

“Hyung, you’ll be half-fifty in a year, you can’t be doing great!” Baekhyun interjects.

“Aigoo, soon our harabeoji will be needing a walker,” Jongdae beside him adds, massaging Minseok’s legs in fake concern.

Minseok laughs despite himself. “You brats. We’re only three years apart in age!”

Everyone joins in the teasing, and Luhan takes Minseok’s side, yelling arguments like an excited middle schooler. It turns into a tickling brawl somehow, and Minseok is trapped between the bodies, facing someone’s socked foot. From the gaudy print, it’s definitely Zitao’s. Minseok yanks his arms from the pile of bodies and proceeds to attack the offending foot, receiving Zitao’s high-pitched laugh as a reward.

Minseok looks up to see that Yifan and Junmyeon have not joined in. They’re both laughing affectionately at the mess, and it’s one of those occasional times that Minseok wishes he were closer with Junmyeon. He wonders what it was like, to have him leaning on you as he laughs animatedly like he was doing with Yifan now. It makes Minseok curious, makes him yearn just a little.

Maybe someday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“If you can go back in time, which age do you want to return to?”

Minseok cannot, for the life of him, remember the name of the MC. Right now, he was just thankful that the question was not directed to him. Junmyeon, however, was the leader for a reason. He was the best at answering questions on the spot (or so Minseok thought).

“If it were me,” Junmyeon answers, unfazed. “I would return to being a one-year-old. Because my parents would give me what I want if I cry.”

His answer is too soft, too cute. It makes Minseok’s chest warm with affection for the leader, and he grins appreciatively as the translator tells them what the MCs said in reaction.

Junmyeon has taken to calling the younger members of EXO as “the kids”, and it was accurate. But the affection in his voice whenever he said that was not lost on Minseok, and he senses the implied my kids everytime. It does make Minseok wonder, if anyone else saw Junmyeon as a kid himself. MInseok thought that the leader was like a child. There was this… pureness in him somehow, this unpretentiousness at being excited about simple things.

Minseok wishes there were more times like these: times when everyone could see more of the playful but innocent Junmyeon, and not get fed with the endless scripts he had to memorize for the group.

Before Minseok knows it, they’re playing another game. He smiles and shakes his head. At least with all twelve of them, the stage is much more crowded. And that meant he was less likely to be the center of attention. He grins and takes a figurative step back. Some days were hard, but days like these also exist: days where he can bathe himself in the warmth of his friends onstage. And days like these made it all worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minseok wakes up.

He groans and reaches for his phone. He squints at the light, and it shows the time to be 12:48am. It’s early, too early. He grunts in annoyance and puts the phone back down on the bedside table, and then rolls over to go back to sleep.

He tosses and turns in bed for some time before he gets up, grumbling in frustration. He’s wide awake now, and he won’t be sleeping again anytime soon. He throws the covers off himself and slides out of bed, intent on getting himself a glass of water. He shuffles towards the door quietly, carefully avoiding bumping into Kris’s bed before he stops in his tracks.

Oh.

Right. 

Kris wasn’t here anymore.

Minseok sighs. It’s been more than a month now, and he still couldn’t get used to it.

It hurt. It still hurts. And with the cryptic words that Luhan gave them from time to time, Minseok knew that it will hurt even more soon. There is something that is badly in need of fixing in their group, but those thoughts are too heavy right now, too suffocating. He pushes them into the far recesses of his mind, to be addressed when he is thinking clearer and breathing better.

Speaking of Luhan, his bed was empty. Curious, Minseok checks the floor just in case Luhan had fallen out of bed again. The floor is empty. Perhaps he’d gone to the bathroom?

Minseok shrugs and silently opens their bedroom door to step out. He pads his way to the kitchen, absently noting that more lights are on than usual. He is a few steps away from the dining room when he hears the voices.

“I think I know what you’re going to say, hyung.”

It’s Junmyeon’s voice. It’s a little hoarse, the weariness unmasked.

“I know you haven’t been happy for a while now,” Junmyeon continues, sighing.

“You’ll understand, then?” comes Luhan’s hesitant voice. “You won’t hate me for it?”

“How can I hate you, hyung. You know I can’t hate you for this. You’re doing this for yourself, and I get that.”

“I’m really sorry, Junmyeon-ah.” Luhan’s voice cracks at the end, a sure sign of him crying. “I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want to drop it on your plate so soon after Kris. It’s just—it’s too unfair and I can’t take it anymore.”

This was it.

What Minseok had been dreading. What he had been avoiding. This was it.

He’d known, of course. He’d known about it for a while now. Luhan was his friend, how would he not notice? The bags that never seemed to disappear from under his eyes, the groans of pain every night when he tried to sleep, the increasingly flat smiles that he gave everybody, the suffocating air of exhaustion and discontent that constantly blanketed his person… Minseok would have to have been blind to not see it.

He was actually surprised that Luhan had lasted this long, even longer than Kris did. He’d seen firsthand how much they were suffering, how frustrated they were at being treated like slaves and hardly getting compensated for it.

But everyone had their own breaking point. And apparently, this was it for Luhan.

Minseok knew it. He got it.

But god.

It still hurt.

Minseok stays where he is, just listening to his two bandmates discussing Luhan’s departure, and how they were going to tell everyone. A lone tear escapes MInseok’s eye, but he makes no move to wipe it. His hands feel like lead at his sides, his chest feels too small and he can’t seem to get enough air. It’s like his heart is twisting into a knot with every beat. But he can’t bring himself to move, can’t bring himself leave. He has to stay. He has to stand there and take it now, because it’s not one of those things that disappear when morning comes. He can’t avoid it this time, can’t push it down for another day.

Luhan was leaving.

No, Luhan was gone. He’s been gone for a while now. The Luhan who was genuinely happy about being in EXO had slowly died, and Minseok had not been able to do anything about it.

So Minseok should stand there and take it, because he’d failed. Luhan was his friend and he’d failed him, could not help him, could not protect him.

A chair is dragged, snapping Minseok back into his senses. He rushes as silently as he could back to their bedroom, diving into his bed before throwing the covers over himself. Luhan comes in moments later, still sniffling. Minseok lies still and fights to even out his breathing, so as not to alert his roommate that he was awake.

A weight settles on Minseok’s bed.

“Minseok, you awake?” Luhan asks in a soft voice.

Minseok does not answer.

The weight shifts, and Minseok registers a body lying down next to him, hugging him from behind.

“You don’t have to talk,” Luhan says. “I’ll just sleep next to you like this, yeah? Is that all right, Minnie? Will you let me?”

This one last time? He doesn’t say it, but Minseok hears it anyway.

Minseok still does not answer, but he moves his hands. Gently, he lays them on the arms that were holding him.

Yes, he answers with a reassuring squeeze. He had never been good with words, anyway.

This one last time.

 

When Minseok wakes, the room is bright and he is alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next days are a blur.

So many things are happening all at once, so many emotions burn through all of them in too short a span of time, too much to process and yet more and more come their way. Everything gets blurred, bleeds into each other and builds up like a snowball, settling heavily in everyone’s chest. Whenever Minseok looked at his bandmates, he sees the exact same weary look on their faces as the one he sees in the mirror. The sadness, the anger, the longing, the frustration…they need to address it but there are songs to sing, commercials to shoot, concert performances to perfect.

Minseok is almost thankful for the busy schedule. It was a good distraction, it kept them busy, kept them moving. But the despondent look of the fans whenever he saw them… he wished he could do something for them, but he couldn’t think of anything. It’s not like he could bring Kris and Luhan back.

The dorms are mostly quiet. There is a sharpness in the air, however. Whether it was the hurt or the anger or both, Minseok didn’t really know.

He would hear some of the kids crying from time to time. Others like Chanyeol and Zitao have turned hostile from the hurt. Kyungsoo has stepped up, silently volunteering to take care of everyone by wordlessly preparing meals. Jongdae also tries to help, giving more hugs to everyone than usual. And Junmyeon… Minseok has not seen Junmyeon much lately.

Junmyeon has been in and out of the dorm for the last few days now. He was always in a meeting: if not with the executives, with the managers. His phone rang constantly as well, for group schedules and last minute reminders and god knew what else.

Last week’s family meeting was canceled by Junmyeon. “I think we all need time to ourselves for a bit,” he’d said. “We’re all a little too emotional right now so we might end up saying things we don’t mean. Let’s all process this first, ok? Give ourselves sometime and just go through it for now. Next week, we’ll talk. I promise. But if any of you need me, I’ll be here okay?”

Minseok had been glad about it, and with the nods that everyone gave he knew he was not the only one.

Junmyeon keeps the second part of his promise, and spends much more time with the other members. Times he could have spent in leisure or just resting was instead spent accompanying Sehun to some store, or exercising with Baekhyun, or helping prepare food with Kyungsoo. Even Chanyeol would seek the leader out these days, asking him to listen to some songs he’d written.

Sleeping, too, meant work for Junmyeon. There was hardly a night when Minseok did not hear Zitao whine for the leader to stay with him until he fell asleep.

Minseok’s forehead creases with worry as he watched from the sidelines. Junmyeon was everywhere, spreading himself over everyone like a blanket. It does not sit well with Minseok, the way he tried to do everything by himself, tried to exert twice as much more effort in everything he did, as if he was trying to make up for the two gaping holes left behind.

Minseok wants to help him, he feels this itch in his fingertips all the time—an itch to touch Junmyeon, to hug him and tell him he was there, that Minseok was there for him if he needed him. But for the life of him, he did not know how.

So instead he tries to lighten the load. He always answers with a quick shake of his head and a smile whenever Junmyeon asked if he needed anything. Minseok had never been the type to cry with someone, anyway. His tears were reserved for when he was in the shower, for when he was alone at night with his pillow, in a room that used to be for three. He also does his best to help his dongsaengs, tries to be the reassuring presence when Junmyeon was not available.

It’s not enough. He knows it’s not enough.

People always thought of Junmyeon’s zealousness as something overflowing, something endless. Perhaps it once was. But now instead of the readiness to take on more, there was only exhaustion, quiet and subdued. His skin has taken on a sickly pallor, and his clothes don’t fit him right anymore. They drape over his frame like clothes on a line, becoming too large for a body that was progressively losing weight.

Minseok’s inadequacy hits him one morning, when he wakes up earlier than usual.

He goes straight for the kitchen, intending to get breakfast started as Kyungsoo might still be too tired from his drama shoot to cook breakfast today.

The sight of Junmyeon’s crumpled form by the sink almost makes him scream.

The leader is sitting with his back against the cupboards, his legs drawn up to his chest, arms unmoving at his sides. He is staring ahead with a blank look at his face.

“Junmyeon-ah, what are you doing sitting on the floor?” Minseok asks, barely containing the alarm in his voice.

Junmyeon’s eyes move lazily to stare up at him. “Minseok.” His voice is barely a whisper. “I can’t stand, he says simply.

 

Minseok all but runs to the leader’s side. “What happened? Did you hurt yourself?” He hurriedly checks Junmyeon’s face, his arms, scanning his body for some kind of injury.

Junmyeon shakes his head. “My legs feel too weak and I get so dizzy when I try to move. Can you—can you help me please?” His lips tremble at the end, and his eyes gleaming with a telltale shine. He valiantly tries to blink the tears away, but they flow nonetheless.

Most days Minseok had to look hard for the kinks in the armor, but these days—today… Junmyeon looked so scared, so vulnerable. How long had he been on the floor, waiting for someone to wake up and find him?

“Why didn’t you shout for help,” Minseok grits his teeth as he puts his arms around the younger’s much smaller frame and pulls them both to their feet. “You’re so cold, you’re going to get sick like this!”

 “I’m sorry,” Junmyeon murmurs, his voice breaking at the end. “I didn’t want to bother anybody.”

Minseok half carries, half pulls Junmyeon into the leader’s bedroom, as it was much closer. Honestly, the younger felt so light he debated with himself whether he should just carry him or not. He had a feeling that Junmyeon would not take too kindly to being carried, however, so he abandons the thought.

He gently lays the leader on the bed, before hastily covering his shivering form with the wrinkly blanket at the side of the bed. It looks too thin for Minseok’s comfort, so he grabs another and drapes it over Junmyeon as well.

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon repeats, and there is the unmistakable sound of sniffling from underneath the covers. “I’m just tired. I’m so, so tired.”

Minseok was not a stranger to crying. Neither was other people crying foreign to him. He’s seen the others cry, even lent them his shoulder from time to time. But if it’s Junmyeon, now that it’s Junmyeon… it’s different. It feels heavier, the usual burn in his chest much sharper. He doesn’t like it.

 

“If you can go back in time, which age do you want to return to?”

 

Minseok randomly remembers that question, from that time. It was barely a year ago, but it seemed like so much time has passed since then. But if he were asked that question now, he would be sure of his answer.

He would go back to when he was 18. And he would meet Junmyeon again for the first time. But this time, he won’t let Junmyeon take the lead. This time he would make sure to introduce himself as the hyung. This time he would tell him, he would tell him that it was fine, that he could depend on Minseok. That he could be the dongsaeng, the one taken care of. That he wouldn’t need to cry for people to give him what he wanted.

He berates himself for not doing anything for so long, for being complacent with the way things were.

He sits beside the leader, who was still trying to stifle his sobs. His shaking form conceals nothing, however. Minseok starts to run his hand over the younger’s back, his own tears staining the blanket under him.

“It’s all right, Junmyeon-ah,” he tells him. “It’s all right to be tired. I’ll take care of you now, hmm? I’m here.”

Hyung is here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Junmyeon cries until he falls asleep. But really, it was the fatigue that finally knocked him out. None of this registers to him when he wakes up however. His eyes feel weird—it’s like someone had taken sandpaper and taped them to his face to replace his eyelids. This was strange. His eyes only feel like this when he—

He jerks upright, fully awake. He’d cried.

And infront of Minseok.

He starts having a hard time filling his lungs with air as the memory comes back fully. Why did I do that, he thinks, mortified. Oh god, I messed up.

“Junmyeon, you’re awake?”

Junmyeon’s head snaps towards the source of the voice. It’s the object of his shame, walking towards him, a glass of water in hand. “Are you still feeling dizzy?” Minseok asks.

Junmyeon can only stare at him, cheeks burning in embarrassment.

“What’s wrong?” the older prods, setting down the glass on the bedside table.

“N-nothing,” Junmyeon stammers. He looks down at his lap and grips the edge of his blankets. “I just—I’m sorry. For breaking down like that.”

He hears Minseok sigh. “I should be the one saying sorry to you.”

Confused, Junmyeon peeks at Minseok. But his bandmate is not looking at him. He watches as the older takes a few steps and sits on the foot of Junmyeon’s bed.

“What do you mean,” Junmyeon asks. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You mean I didn’t do anything.” Minseok sighs again. “Have you looked at yourself these days, Junmyeon-ah?”

“I… I guess?”

“No, you haven’t. If you had, then you would know how horrible you’ve been looking for the past weeks.”

Junmyeon should feel offended, but he is mostly surprised. It was not in Minseok’s nature to insult people. He was one of the gentlest, kindest people that Junmyeon knew, the type that always thought before they said anything. So maybe…it wasn’t an insult?

“Just look at your arms, look at them, Junmyeon-ah.”

Junmyeon obeys, inspecting his arms to see any defect. He couldn’t find any.

“They’re like sticks. You’re losing weight like crazy,” Minseok lets out. “I’m worried about you.”

He was? Junmyeon spares another glance at his arms, but he still wasn’t sure what Minseok was talking about. Still, this was Minseok. The usually quiet, soft Minseok was clearly agitated about this. Therefore, Junmyeon concluded with his practical thinking, he must be telling the truth.

“I… I honestly did not notice that,” he confesses. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry,” Minseok says wearily.

“But I—“

“Just, listen to me first, okay?” At Junmyeon’s uncertain nod, Minseok continues. “I know you’re the leader and that comes with a lot of responsibilities. The kids look up to you and tend to rely on you. They’re not wrong in seeking your help, and you’re not wrong for giving it to them. But at the way you’re working yourself to the ground like this, you’re going to break, you know?”

“That’s not going to happen. I won’t break,” Junmyeon disagrees. “I’m strong, Minseok.” I have to be.

“I’m not saying you’re not strong,” the older says exasperatedly. “You’re the strongest person I know, Junmyeon-ah. But even the toughest people need rest, need help. What I’m saying is that—“ The older stands up and plops himself on the side of Junmyeon’s bed, much nearer to Junmyeon but still keeping a small distance between them.

“What I’m saying is that, I’m your hyung, you know?” The line holds such weight, Junmyeon almost feels Minseok saying it while looking straight into his eyes. The older just stares at his own lap, however.

“I know I’m not the most reliable person around,” he continues. “And I’m not as capable as you. I can’t lead the kids like you, and I’m not as good with words as you are, but… I can be with you, you know? When you’re having a hard time, you can tell me. I won’t be that much help, but I can listen to you. I’ll be your hyung, the way you’re everyone else’s hyung.”

It must be Junmyeon’s still sleep-addled mind, taking away his usual clarity. He hastily wipes away the tear that sneaks out of his eye. He’s always been less guarded when he just came from sleep, and the added exhaustion does him no favors. He can’t think of a better reason as to why his tears won’t stop, why his eyes were betraying him like this, why he was so affected by Minseok’s words.

If it were someone else, they would have tried to hug Junmyeon, would have held him while he cried, would have done their best to make him stop crying. But all Minseok does is lay a hand on one of his knees, and offers a reassuring squeeze. He just lets him cry. And somehow that was more comforting than a hug, more soothing than a rub on the back. They have not been the type to hug each other much, anyway. He does not find the thought of Minseok hugging him undesirable, of course. It was just not right for them at the moment. Not yet.

He calms down after a while, and the self-consciousness sets in. He sneaks a look at Minseok.

The older is just sitting there, hand still on Junmyeon’s knee. His other hand is on his lap, fiddling with his sweatpants and squirming like a child. He looked so uncomfortable, his face a gleaming red from the uneasiness that it makes Junmyeon chuckle despite his tears.

“What is this,” he gasps between his sniffles-turned-giggles. “You are so awkward Minseok, this is embarrassing.”

“Don’t laugh at me,” Minseok whines. “It’s already hard enough. I don’t need you making fun of me, too, you brat.”

But it makes Junmyeon laugh harder. The absurdity of it, and Minseok calling him a brat like he was one of the kids—it makes this feeling of sheer relief flood him inside, spreading to his toes and fingertips and making him feel like he was on a high. Minseok joins him, and the sound of his laugh is magic.

“Thank you,” Junmyeon murmurs sincerely after they both calm down, all humor gone. “What you said means a lot. Stop putting yourself down, though. And stop talking as if the kids don’t rely on you either. I know you’ve been doing a lot for all of us. I really appreciate that.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Minseok mumbles, touching the back of his neck.

“What you said,” Junmyeon continues. “I heard it loud and clear. It’s just, it’s hard to pay attention to myself these days. With Kris gone, suddenly I’m in charge of all of you and there’s so much more work to do. And the kids, they need the constant reassurance. I try my best, and honestly most days I don’t feel like I’m doing a good enough job.”

That immediately catches Minseok’s attention. Junmyeon? Not doing a good enough job? It was so absurd he almost felt offended by it. “I wish you didn’t think that way,” he says. “You’re doing so well for us, you’re doing a great job.” He probably senses the leader was unaccepting of the compliment and adds, “I mean it. I honestly think that you keep us all together.”

“That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” Junmyeon denies, trying to laugh it off, but a glare from the older halts him.

“I mean it,” Minseok insists.

Between the older’s adamance and the unease of the situation, Junmyeon feels his stomach give a nervous flutter. He does not know how to react, he could not even mumble out a few words to stall as he would do with difficult questions in interviews. He feels himself growing more and more flustered, but he is too confused to say anything. The conversation lulls.

“Just stop listening to yourself, okay?” Minseok says, breaking the silence. “Listen to me. This hyung is smarter than you and hence knows better.”

The change in the older’s tone makes Junmyeon glance up, only to see Minseok sporting a smirk. There has always been a mischievous streak in Minseok, a part of him that randomly appeared to play a prank on a bandmate, or to laugh at Junmyeon’s puns. It catches him off guard as usual, but it works its magic and the tension instantly lifts.

“In conclusion, you have to call me hyung from now on.”

Junmyeon snorts. “Look I’m sorry, but I’m too used to calling you ‘Minseok’ now. I can’t promise anything. But—“ he raises a hand to pacify the older, who looked so affronted it was almost comical. “But. When I need a hyung, I will. I will go to you.”

It’s not a big change, but it’s a change, nonetheless.

Minseok stands up, and Junmyeon takes note of the older’s ears. They were flaring red, along with his cheeks and his neck. He and Minseok had never been the type to talk about feelings with each other, but Junmyeon has always found it easy to adjust to new things, to new situations. Minseok, clearly, was horrible at this. And he was asserting himself as the hyung? Junmyeon chuckles softly to himself. That was cute.

But mostly really brave.

“You’re not allowed to get out of bed today,” Minseok informs him. “I already called Yongmin-hyung and told him you’re sick, so don’t worry. I’m going to get your lunch, and you’ll eat in in bed. And then you’re going to sleep. Got it?”

Junmyeon can only smile. “Yes, hyung.”

Minseok does not miss the playful teasing in the younger’s voice, but more than that the honorific sends a tingle of delight through his chest. He tries to act nonchalant about it, quickly spinning around and walking out of the room with only a hum in acknowledgement. But who was he kidding? He was grinning like an idiot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things go on as usual, but something shifts between Minseok and Junmyeon.

When Junmyeon announces that their regular family meetings were going to resume, the younger members pretended to groan in complaint. But they were all secretly thankful, Minseok knew. And if they noticed Junmyeon turning to Minseok more for his opinions, with Minseok actually talking, they don’t breathe a word about it.

So many things need mending, but with time and each other, they heal little by little. The shared pain brings them closer together, makes them more understanding, more willing to communicate. And if Minseok was asked if there was one thing he was thankful about the whole mess, it would be that it made the bonds of the remaining members stronger than ever.

But problems never really stop. And when Junmyeon comes to him one afternoon with a despondent look on his face, Minseok does not hesitate to put down the book he was reading.

“Hyung,” Junmyeon says simply.

That instantly brings Minseok to his feet, their own code word for help me spurring him into action. He wordlessly guides the leader to the couch, situating himself beside him.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“It’s Taozi,” Junmyeon chokes out, tears spilling from his eyes. “He said goodbye to me, hyung. He said he was sorry but he won’t be coming back.”

The leader  buries his face in his hands as his shoulders shake softly with sobs.

The news is devastating, but as with Luhan it does not shock Minseok. And right now, with Junmyeon crying infront of him, he could only think of one thing.

One of his hands reaches out hesitantly, as if testing the waters, before he takes Junmyeon in his arms.

It should feel strange. Hugging has always been a part of their lives, being in a boy group and now as close friends. But this was different from the fanservice, from the random bouts of affection that called for an embrace, from the customary hug after not seeing each other in a while.

But to Minseok, it only feels natural. Inevitable, like the progression of seasons.

The future looks bleak once again, but it doesn’t feel as hopeless as it did a year ago. They were all stronger now.

“We’ll be all right, Junmyeon-ah.”

It’s both a wish and a promise. He sends out a separate wish to the universe to take care of his dongsaeng in China, as he tightens his hold on the one in his arms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s still a hint of giddiness in the air, some leftover rush from the awards show they’d just attended. Minseok is drunk both on the soju and the high that came from performing infront of such a large audience. And the cheers, the never-ending cheers that should have been deafening but were like music to his ears…He’s been doing this for four years now, he should be used to it. But the thrill, the exhilaration of performing onstage never got old.

Junmyeon is beside him on the couch, leaning on his shoulder as they mindlessly watch the movie playing on the tv. Jongin was on the floor, already snoring softly. Minseok should have probably stopped him from drinking those last three shots, but no one says no to a pouting Jongin.

“Hyung,” Junmyeon mumbles, his voice slightly slurring. Him calling Minseok hyung with anyone else around (even if they were sleeping) was a sure sign that he was drunk. “Do you—should we sleep now?”

Minseok was not drunk yet, quite far from it, actually. But not everyone had his tolerance. Besides, both of his drinking buddies were down now, and where was the fun in drinking alone?

“Are you sleepy, Junmyeon-ah?” he asks.

The younger mumbles something incoherent, slipping his arms around Minseok and snuggling into him further. Drunk Junmyeon also meant Clingy Junmyeon. He feels so warm, almost too warm at his side, but Minseok cannot bring himself to complain. Instead, he ruffles Junmyeon’s hair with his free hand, smiling when the younger pouts at the disturbance.

“Let’s get up then, Junmyeonnie,” he says. “I’ll walk you to your room.”

He detaches Junmyeon from his arm, much to Junmyeon’s dismay. He was quite vocal about it too, whining in confusion as he is pulled to his feet.

Minseok pulls one of Junmyeon’s arms around his neck. He puts an arm around the younger’s waist and pulls him into a secure hold. They do not make it far from the couch before Minseok deems Junmyeon too unsteady on his feet to continue. Minseok could carry him on his back, probably. But Junmyeon’s hotel room was a floor down, and Minseok recoils at the thought of the arduous trek. He makes a quick decision.

“Junmyeon-ah, Junmyeonnie are you still awake?” he asks.

The leader’s head only lolls in acknowledgement.

“You’re too drunk, I don’t think we can make it to your room,” Minseok tries to inform him. He bends to peer at the sloshed Junmyeon’s face, but the younger’s eyes are closed. Minseok suspects that he was already in dream land, if not well on his way to it. “Let’s just both sleep here, okay? I’m sure the bed is big enough.”

“Mmkay,” Junmyeon murmurs, but Minseoks doubts if he really understood.

He gives himself a silent encouragement as he drags them both to his hotel bedroom, thanking his stars for his natural strength as he lugs the dead weight at his side. If it weren’t for the stamina he’d built up over the years, his knees would have buckled already.

With a grunt, he half throws, half lays Junmyeon on the bed. The younger had held onto him like an octopus, however, and Minseok falls into the bed with him with an astonished oof.  He detaches himself from him, and the leader automatically curls up into his usual fetal position.

The sight of Junmyeon sleeping always made Minseok smile. Arms and knees folded towards his chest, looking so much tinier (Junmyeon was already small, that should not have been possible). He was the literal interpretation of sleeping like a baby.

Minseok pulls the blanket from underneath the sleeping leader, and covers him with it. He takes an extra blanket and a pillow before jogging back to the living room, kneeling next to the knocked out Jongin. He carefully lifts the boy’s head and lays it on the pillow, and then wraps him in the blanket. He feels slightly guilty about letting Jongin sleep on the floor, but the couch is too small for him and his room was on the same floor as Junmyeon’s.

Satisfied, Minseok makes his way back to his bedroom. He is already settling himself beside Junmyeon, covering himself with the duvet when it hits him.

This was the first time that he and Junmyeon were sharing a bed and sleeping together.

Wait, was it really?

He racks his brain, years and years of pre-debut period and four years of being in the same group, but it only confirms his initial realization. It wasn’t that strange. Even if he and Junmyeon had grown a lot closer in the last couple of years, sleeping on the same bed was just something that was unlikely. For one, they were never roommates. For another, Junmyeon and Sehun’s messy living arrangement was a natural repellant for the neat Minseok.

Junmyeon always relented when anyone asked him to sleep together with them, but he was never the one to ask. Minseok was a terrible initiator as well, and he preferred sleeping alone, anyway.

Still, he found it remarkable that they have never before strayed together into bed like this.

Junmyeon seems to detect Minseok’s presence, and he uncurls, arms stretching out in search. His fingers pat on Minseok’s stomach. Having found the warmth his body was seeking, he pushes himself forward and wraps himself around the older.

Minseok only watches in amusement, half expecting Junmyeon to recoil from him once he realizes how needy he was acting. But the leader is probably too drunk, too far gone for his usual inhibitions to kick in.

He thinks back to that time, when he had finally reached out to Junmyeon. They were both so awkward back then (mostly Minseok, really). They’ve come so far now, being able to be in each other’s space like this.

“You’re so warm, Minseok,” Junmyeon mumbles, snuggling deeper into Minseok’s chest.

The older smiles in satisfaction. It was a definite compliment, given how Junmyeon hated the cold.

“Uminnie, Minseok,” Junmyeon continues slurring. “My BFF.”

That affects Minseok more than it should. His chest floods with pure, unbridled affection for the tiny leader. But Junmyeon did not need to know that. “What, no more hyung?” he teases instead.

“Minseok-hyuuung,” Junmyeon relents.

“Brat. Did you just roll your eyes at me? Your eyes are closed but I can feel you mocking me.”

The leader’s giggles tickle his chest, and Minseok can’t help but feel sentimental. There was something special about this, this moment, and he should say something, do something. He tries to find the right words, and he glances down at Junmyeon.

The younger had already fallen asleep, snoring softly on Minseok’s chest. Smiling in defeat, Minseok shakes his head and wraps his arm around Junmyeon, pulling him even closer. He thinks there might be other places better than this. But right now, he could think of none. For now, there was nowhere more wonderful than being here, sleeping next to his favorite person, his warmth and his soft breathing lulling Minseok to sleep.

 

 

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Lovexiu16 #1
Chapter 1: It’s hard being a leader, Joonmyeon you’ve done well.

Thank you for writing this!
FlowerBaozi
#2
Chapter 1: aaaaawwwww!!! So heartwarming. Though the angst in the middle part was really something. I miss OT12 big time!
Sienka
#3
Chapter 1: This is so beautiful and heartwarming and melancholy all at once. It makes me appreciate what the they've all been through over the years, and how much they mean to each other.
1fanfic #4
Chapter 1: Such a sweet story, perfectly balanced. I'm actually re-reading this, and I don't know why I didn't comment the first time around because this is just guaranteed to make you smile :)
lulinlin #5
Chapter 1: this is cute.i really love suho .he is good leader.
parboni #6
Since I started stanning EXO back in 2017,this has been my ultimate ship. Unfortunately,this ship is always underrated af and there aren't many fanfics on this otp.
And most of those Xiuho fanfics are based on au's. This is the only fanfic I have read so far that kept their original universe and original characters and explained their relationship dynamics as the leader and the eldest member. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.