Chapter 28

The Shadow which Follows

Moonbyul’s steps sounded along the hallway of the inn. The door creaked open, Yongsun looked up seeing Moonbyul enter the small room. Moonbyul’s figure was slumped, tired after the long journey. The sleeves of her shirt were rolled up to her elbows, the bottom of her slacks had been dirtied with grime after having wandered through the wet grass all day.

Moonbyul ran a hand through her hair, then sat down by the table where a single candle was lit, all else around her was dark. Moonbyul’s skin was pale, but not sickly. Her eyes held a mystery that Yongsun could not solve and so Yongsun watched, closely and carefully.

After having cremated Heeyeon’s body (that was the tradition for one who believed in the Stars), they had found an inn in Tenby by a river that ran out to the sea, but the sea was still far away and they would not have made it to Port before sundown, so they had settled here for the night.

Moonbyul’s movements were slow, as was her breathing. She had not said much, and Yongsun thought she had walked beside a ghost the entire way to Tenby.

It had not bothered her, but now it did. Yongsun still needed Moonbyul, could not lose her to the dark as well. The rage and anger Yongsun held in her heart was close to being realised, but the anger was not aimed at Moonbyul, no, Yongsun held the hilt of that knife, which was anger, and would drive that very knife into her own heart.

Yongsun could not take it any longer; her thoughts ate away at her mind and she had to know what they were to do now after Heeyeon’s —no. It was too recent, and Yongsun would not say it, could not say it aloud or utter it in her mind.

She swung her feet over the side of the bed. The wooden floorboards squeaked and groaned when Yongsun’s feet touched the cold floor. She held her breath, waiting.

Moonbyul looked at Yongsun without turning her head, then looked away again. She closed her eyes tightly, as if in pain, and then reached into her pocket pulling out a silver ring. Moonbyul placed it on the table rather carelessly. The ring made a small sound that pierced the silence. She leaned back in the chair, head tilted up towards the ceiling revealing a clear line from her jaw and down her neck.

Yongsun gulped and wrapped her arms around herself, feeling a sudden chill in the room. But the cold would not stop her so she stood and walked carefully over to Moonbyul.

The candlelight flickered, making shadows dance upon Moonbyul’s body. «What does it mean?» Yongsun asked quietly, looking down at the silver ring.

«Marriage.»

Yongsun was taken aback, her eyes widened, the air was stuck in and her heart jumped, thumping, thumping, thumping.

«Are you— »

«It’s not mine.» Moonbyul said quickly, and Yongsun flinched, looking away, abashed. Her cheeks had reddened; a deep blush had spread over her nose, the tips of her ears had turned red.

«It belonged to Heeyeon. She was going to give it to Jeonghwa.»

Moonbyul’s voice was like sad music, but it was music that Yongsun could not stop listening to, music that Yongsun could not stop feeling. It touched her body, making her shiver, it pressed softly against her lips like a lovers kiss. It marked her, deeply, and settled in the depths of her soul.

«Oh.» Yongsun said, not sad but not happy. She felt something stir deep within her, it came from her chest, tugging at her heartstrings. She drew her lips in a thin line.

Moonbyul was watching Yongsun. Her gaze had hardened, as if trying to see through Yongsun, and Yongsun felt ; bare and vulnerable. Yongsun was afraid, but not in the same sense that one was afraid of beasts and monsters —she was afraid that if she showed too much of herself, Moonbyul would pull away.

They said nothing for a while, the candle continued its little dance in the dark, and Yongsun watched it from time to time, other times she would look away, noticing the closed window across the room and the raindrops sliding down the glass.

The wind howled outside. Moonbyul flinched, squirming in the chair. She started to stand, excusing herself. Yongsun placed a gentle hand on Moonbyul’s shoulder.

«Come to bed.» She whispered, softly, letting Moonbyul know she could refuse. She could stay up all night if she wanted, could walk outside with the rain hurling down, filling the cracks in the pavement till the streets became flooded.

But Yongsun wanted Moonbyul to know she was there and that she was not alone. She had felt it once, how scary it was to be alone, to be trapped in a cage, to have people poking sticks in your back to make you move, Yongsun had felt it. Now she was free, free to roam, to run, to fly, but that in itself was still a very frightening thing.

Moonbyul’s eyes slowly met Yongsun’s, and Yongsun saw the words that Moonbyul could not speak; she saw Moonbyul’s eyes, shining, glistening, begging, pleading —Yongsun leaned in closer and kissed Moonbyul’s lips.

«Come to bed with me.» Yongsun whispered once more.

Moonbyul nodded and followed her.

Yongsun woke, her eyes fluttered open. She saw the sky, pale with bright light, the sun shone down on her, blinding. The air was dry with dust and smoke around her. She heard the crackling of flames somewhere near. Yongsun fidgeted, then groaned feeling her body ache, her muscles sore. was tight, her chest felt constricted, as if something was pressing down on top of her.

She scrunched her face as she tried to stand but was kept firmly in place. Yongsun looked up once more and found Moonbyul staring down at her. Moonbyul’s face was full of worry, tears ran down her cheeks, was open with shock.

«You’re here.» Yongsun gasped, smiling. She reached for Moonbyul’s hand which had been her hair and held it tightly. She squeezed once, then twice, to see if it was an illusion. But it felt real, real enough that Yongsun had to choke back a sob.

Then they were both in tears. Yongsun frowned and asked: «What is it?»

«Your hair, Yongsun, it’s silver like stardust.» Moonbyul said, voice thin. «It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. And you’re here. Still here.» Moonbyul whispered and kissed the corner of Yongsun’s mouth, then her neck, and Yongsun could not help the moan that slipped past her lips. 

She shut her eyes and held Moonbyul’s face, drawing her closer. Moonbyul’s fingers were like lighting, striking her skin, leaving her shaking. Breathless. Lips against lips, fire on water.

Yongsun groaned against Moonbyul as she sought for more, it was as if Moonbyul was air and Yongsun needed to breathe, to feel wind in her lungs. She felt alive, reborn, and the flame in her chest, the fire in her heart, grew stronger, for absence was to love what wind was to fire; it extinguished the small, it inflamed the great.

«You were dead, Yongsun, I swear by the Stars, you heart stopped beating and I thought I had lost you.» She heard Moonbyul whisper.

Her body ached all over. Her head throbbed. Yongsun placed a hand on her forehead and closed her eyes. She saw a great fire, she saw a throne room carved from grey stone. There was a woman, no, a girl, she was young, her face was pale and beautiful.

It was the same girl from the dream so many years ago. She held a crown of silver in her hand, her palms were bruised, her arms littered with scars. Two red lines had been drawn from the corner of the young girl’s lips and down to her chin, as if she had just finished feasting on blood. Yongsun stared in horror as the young girl cried out —help! she shouted, then faded away.

Darkness fell upon Yongsun, devouring her, clinging to her like a parasite. A hand gripped her shoulder, Yongsun flinched, turning, and saw an empty face staring at her.

It was a face made from nightmares, its body belonged to a monster. It hissed like a snake, then growled like a dog and snapped its jaws at Yongsun. The Shadow had followed Yongsun into her dreams.

«I am you.» Hissed a voice so close to Yongsun’s ear that she cried out and flung herself away. She hit a wall, which she clung to, hands digging into the stone which gave away like soft clay.

«I am you.» It hissed again, and Yongsun turned away from it, but wherever she looked she saw it.

The Shadow bit her head off and Yongsun screamed.

Yongsun stumbled out of her sleeping bag, landing on the ground with a grunt. Her palms stung from the small rocks and pebbles that pricked against her skin when she tried to get up.

She groaned aloud, rubbing her hands together. The sun was not yet up, the air was cold and quiet around her. She heard fire crackling in the distance and saw Hyojin sitting on her own, cooking something.

Yongsun craned her neck, feeling the tension leave her body. She stood, rolled up her sleeping bag, then grabbed her satchel and made her way towards Hyojin. She sat down on the dry grass, pulled her legs close to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself.

«You’re up early.» Hyojin commented as she stirred a pot which she held over the flames.

«You made a fire?» Yongsun asked, watching the fire dance in front of her.

«To cook porridge.» Hyojin said. «I was hungry. And so will my squad be when they wake up.» 

Yongsun nodded and closed her eyes, thinking back to her dreams. Moonbyul would come to her, but she would be different. What they had they could never have back again. They had grown, and they were still growing, still learning how to hold on when the World tore them apart.

They lived knowing their lives could be taken away at any given moment. A Shadow could creep up on Yongsun this very instance and devour her. A Shadow could do the same to Moonbyul, only miles away.

No matter how much it destroyed Yongsun to conjure dreams, to bring forth an illusion of false hope, it brought Yongsun back to that part of her life. And she would remember it, cling to that thin thread even though the thread burnt her hand.

Yongsun shook her head, then wiped her eyes with the back of her hand because she thought she felt a tear slip down her cheek. Crying now would do her no good.

«Would you sacrifice yourself for your comrades?» Yongsun asked, voice neutral.

Hyojin bristled beside her. She stopped stirring the pot and put the wooden spoon down beside her.

«As a Lieutenant, yes, I would.» Hyojin said, albeit a bit unsure.

«What if you were not a Lieutenant? What if you were only… Only you, yourself and nothing else.» Yongsun asked, her voice had begun to shake. «Would you still do it?»

Yongsun could feel Hyojin watching her. Yongsun wrapped her arms more tightly around her body and hid her face in her arms.

«I would.» Hyojin said, finally, and lifted the porridge off the fire, setting it down on a mat beside her. She took two bowls and filled them with two large scoops of porridge. Hyojin placed the second bowl beside Yongsun and told her to eat.

«I would still do it, because my actions are not limited to the things that others say I am. I am a soldier, a