The constant nausea should have been the first sign. On top of that, there was also the exhaustion that rendered him debilitated on good days and nearly immovable from his bed on bad days. He slept every chance he got when he wasn’t stuck in class or at work. And if that wasn’t a red flag already, he had headache upon headache, a few migraines added into the mix when he had his worst days. The most embarrassing to him was that he was bloated at random times of the day, and being so thin and self-conscious of his body, lack of self-confidence throwing him, he wanted to hide away in his room and wear large and ill-fitting clothing to hide his body away. There was something seriously wrong with him, but he feigned ignorance, giving his body the benefit of the doubt. He was just sick. 

He had gone as far as adding all these symptoms together in WebMD in hopes of finding an answer, and he had found it quite amusing that the site immediately considered cancer as one of the diagnoses, but what alarmed him the most was that pregnancy was the most plausible answer before listing at least four different types of cancer below it. He would like to say that he immediately knocked that option off the list completely, but he really couldn’t. It was not completely impossible when there had been one night he spent at a party to kick off the beginning of the first semester of his freshman year, and it had not gone as smoothly as he had hoped. 

It had been his first college party, fresh out of high school and he had been incredibly excited about it, being that it was his first real party ever. He hadn’t had many opportunities to go to parties in high school since he was confined to a private school with well-behaved children that didn’t even consider drinking alcohol until the legal age or staying up late enough to get less than six hours of sleep, so Changkyun never had access or invitations. Now he did and he had taken advantage of that entirely. 

The party had been at a frat house on the outskirts of campus, a good fifteen-minute walk from the back entrance of his dorm. He could smell the smoke and alcohol from outside the house and that alone got him pumped for the night ahead of him. His explorations of what he was allowed to ingest were limited at home and now on his own, trying as much as he could that night at college was the only thing on his agenda. Have fun, worry later. The hangover the next day would be his biggest problem. What could he do that would be bad enough to make him regret the best night ever? 

Many things, evidently. Walking into that crammed frat house alone and being uneducated on how college kids really acted was his worst and first regret. Changkyun knew he should have at least gone with his new roommate but the kid was already out with his boyfriend for the night. Changkyun had then chosen to go alone, something he was very familiar with doing as per his social life in high school. Changkyun had stuck to himself at first and only then did he mingle with others when he had enough Red Bull and vodka in his system.

Changkyun didn’t have many friends, his only ones he’d ever had were back home or off at their own universities, busy with their new lives on their own. That was also his fault, choosing to have a smaller friend group instead of a large one because that meant less effort to get to know so many people when he could spend as little energy as possible only getting to know a few. Now, Changkyun was alone and it wasn’t much different from his time in high school. He was just alone with older people who were expert partiers now and they were going to show him how to get -faced and how to get used to it. And in the process, he’d been drunk enough to have with a stranger, but he was sure they had used a . Therefore, there was nothing to worry about. But then again, his mother had always warned him that there was a small percentage of condoms that don’t properly work, and always followed that fact with her advice at not having at all to avoid STDs and unplanned pregnancies entirely. 

Then thinking that if he really was pregnant, his mother would surely kill him. Maybe even disown him and that in itself was terrifying since his family was his main support system. He was just starting off college, was just starting to pay for his own necessities, and finding out that he was going to be a father had his heart palpitating, but that was only if he actually was pregnant. He wasn’t even sure yet, he had no proof or evidence, but the thought of having to tell his mother that he was knocked up… he didn’t even want to imagine that. 

But he still had to make sure that he was pregnant in the first place. He had to knock that off the list entirely before resorting to worst case scenarios. 

And to make it as inconspicuous as possible, Changkyun waited until he received his next paycheck, a good sum of money added to his account before he decided to go and finally buy a test. He had walked to the nearest grocery store which was luckily close enough to campus that it was a good fifteen-minute walk. While loading his basket with fruits and vegetables to try and eat healthily and not gain the freshman fifteen, he grabbed a pregnancy test that was in the family planning aisle, right next to racks of condoms that he was sure he used that night he got blackout drunk. He tried to be discreet about where he placed the test, but the cashier gave him a pointed look when she grabbed the box and read what it was. She went to school with him and he looked horribly like a freshman, she knew he was. Changkyun could feel how his ears were bright red and stayed that way until he was out of the parking lot and heading straight back to campus. He wasn’t going to make any more stops, not when he had incriminating evidence on his person. It would reveal everything about his situation. 

All he could think of the whole walk back was the pregnancy test in the bag in his right hand and how he swore it added an extra ten pounds, feeling heavy and burdening. His shoulders were starting to hurt from all he was carrying and his back was aching, maybe another symptom of pregnancy? At this point, he was already starting to believe he was actually pregnant. But he still had a flicker of hope that he wasn’t. Honestly, at this point, he was hoping he had cancer because that would be a better thing to tell his mother. She wouldn't disown him for having cancer.  

Once all his food was in his area of the fridge, all Changkyun had left to put away was his pregnancy test. The instructions indicated that the first pee of the day was a better way to test for pregnancy as opposed to late in the day due to the concentration of the pregnancy hormone. Changkyun swore in his head because that meant he had to wait longer in order to take the test. Home pregnancy tests were surprisingly expensive and he didn’t want to receive a false positive on the first one because he failed to read directions. Reading it maybe fifty more times, Changkyun resorted to hiding it away in his desk drawer until tomorrow morning. Changkyun tried to keep his mind off of it and instead preoccupy his time with assignments he had for the week. Even then he couldn’t think straight enough for more than two minutes and before he knew it, he had spent three hours staring at his laptop screen and he had only done half of an assignment. 

His attempts were futile and in his frustration, he slammed his laptop closed and shoved the device under his pillow before laying down for the night. It was chilly the further they immersed themselves in fall so Changkyun pulled his blanket up to his chin and laid on his back, staring at the ceiling in hopes that it would help him sleep. It was still a little early compared to what time he usually slept, two or sometimes three in the morning. It was only twelve at night and he was wide awake. Yet that didn’t make a difference since he stayed awake most of the night, even conscious when Hyungwon finally crept into the room at two in the morning, right at curfew. Changkyun did not greet him, too afraid to speak and simply laid there as Hyungwon stumbled around in the dark, keeping as quiet as possible to let his roommate sleep. Changkyun appreciated his efforts, but with how anxious and awake he was, every sound was amplified by ten and rang in his ears. He was afraid that if he said something, anything, Hyungwon would be able to pick up on the tone of his voice. He wanted to avoid that at all costs. 

The digital clock sitting on Changkyun’s bedside table was his only indicator of what time it was and he watched each minute pass by, agonizingly slow. The last number he remembered looking at was 4:52 before he fell asleep. He had to wake up at seven in order to get ready for his eight o-clock drawing class, and throughout the entire night that fear of him missing his early class was another aid in his lack of rest. 

The next time he did look at the clock, it read 7:37 and he had slept in. Changkyun, keeping as quiet as possible to not wake up Hyungwon, threw the covers off his body and leaped over to his closet to grab what he was going to wear that day. It was going to be this week’s lazy day, he reasoned, and threw on a hoodie and matching track pants before going to grab his school ID card from his desk drawer, his key to getting into the dorm, getting into his room, and getting his meals for the day. It was essential that he had it on his person anytime he was outside of his room. 

When he grabbed his ID, his attention was then focusing on the pregnancy test in his drawer. Right… Suddenly, his eagerness to make it to class on time was put on the back burner as he was more concerned with the possibility that he was pregnant. He could always wait until the next morning, but he really couldn’t go through another night like the one he had before. He couldn’t afford it, he needed every bit of rest between class and his job. It just wouldn’t do.

So carefully, Changkyun brought the box into the bathroom and tore it open as quietly as possible, afraid that if anyone could hear him opening the package they would know immediately what he was doing. He hopped into the stall and closed the door, keeping all packaging with him and away from anyone else who could see it. 

With shaking hands, Changkyun sat on the toilet and did as the instructions told him, having memorized them at this point. Pee on the stick, wait three minutes for the results. Once finished, he placed the cap on the end he peed on and shoved the thing in his hoodie pocket before getting off the toilet and flushing any remains that weren't caught by the test. 

Changkyun didn’t want to look at it. He had headed back into his room and placed the test face down on his desk before leaving the room to pace back and forth in the connected sitting area and kitchen of their apartment style dorm. His sneakers squeaked against the tile floor of their kitchen before silencing against the carpet of the sitting room. This repeated until his phone rang with the timer he had set after three minutes, almost immediately shutting it off, not wanting to wake up his other roommates. His heart was in his throat, his mind racing as he tried to hype himself to go and check. See if he was going to be a dad. 

But then logic reminded him that he was most likely overreacting. There was still a chance that he wasn’t pregnant at all. This was only a guess and he was going to look at that test and find it negative. Then he could go to class and forget that anything happened. This would go down in the books as his first and hopefully only pregnancy scare. It would be something to look back on and laugh, something he could bring up between people he knew or maybe his brother as a joke. This wasn’t happening, there was just something that was really wrong with him, but no way he was pregnant. 

With that voice in his head giving him the courage he needed to step forward, Changkyun deeply inhaled and calmly exhaled as he headed back into his room. From his spot in the doorway, he could see the plastic end of the test sticking over the edge of his desk. It was pink and was almost mocking him, as though playing a game of hide and seek that was too easy yet harder than anything he’s ever done before. 

Changkyun stepped forward and picked the test up with tentative fingers, holding the answer away from him so he can catch his bearings before really relieving the next step of his agenda. His heart was beating so fast, palpitations bringing a buzz to his body that was uncomfortable and had his knees shaking and weak. Why was he so nervous? It was going to be negative, he just knew it would be. He wasn’t pregnant, for sure he wasn’t. 

He had five minutes to go before he had to leave for class and he had no time to waste. He could look at it now and once he saw the negative sign he could throw it away in the dumpster outside and walk to class like normal. Never have to think about it again. It would be burned with other trash and no one would know it was even his. He was home free. 

So turning over that test and expecting to see the negative sign he was so sure was going to show up, his world came crashing down. Because wouldn’t you know it… it was positive. 

Changkyun felt entirely numb, his body and mind felt as though they weren’t connected. His mind was present but it was so distant and it was as though he was having an out of body experience, looking down at his own body from above, standing there in complete shock. He was pregnant. There was no trick of the light, there was no mistake, maybe a small faint line. There was a plus sign, he was pregnant. And there were no possibilities of a false positive because he had looked up every way that one could procure. None of them applied to him, whatever the test said would be his end result. 

He was pregnant. Those two little intersecting lines confirmed it. 

His head was starting to hurt and it was like he was one with his body now as he was returned, eyes staring right at the pregnancy test he was holding in his hand. His lungs and throat were burning, starved of air and denied the access to function properly, to replenish his being of what it needed. His chest was heaving but nothing was being inhaled and Changkyun’s eyes were starting to hurt, pressure too much. He was getting frightened and as a last minute resort, he pinched his thigh through his track pants and through that slight, physical pain, he was brought back to life. There was for sure going to be a bruise on his thigh the size of Jeju on his skin, evidence of his internal struggles. 

He was gasping for air, trying to gulp down as much oxygen as he could to rid his body of the pain that was rendering him paralyzed. How fast his lungs were acting and how violent his chest was moving, it was mortifying. He felt as though he was dying, like his lungs would explode if he didn’t calm down soon. He could feel the pain in his fingers and toes, reaching as far as every nerve would let it extend. His arms and legs ached and the only part of his body that he felt control over was his hand, gripping onto that positive pregnancy test. He felt as though he could break it, make the plastic splinter into shards and cut into his hand. It would relieve him of the pain he was feeling in his chest and the pain he was feeling in his feet. It would be a different kind of pain, a more distracting pain, a better pain than an anxiety attack provides. 

“,” he spoke under his breath, feeling nauseous all over again. Looks like he wasn’t going to his two hour drawing class today after all. He wouldn’t be able to hold a pencil in this condition, let alone sitting still and listening to what his professor had to tell him. it would go in one ear and right out the other. 

“Changkyun?” Hyungwon asked, groggy and weighed down. His roommate slept on the other side of the room, diagonal from Changkyun’s bed. Hyungwon had been sleeping soundly, having not signed up for morning classes and traded those for online classes in favor of sleeping in. His earliest class was noon and with how late he stayed out with his boyfriend, he needed enough sleep to function properly before then. There were a few times where Hyungwon hadn’t had enough sleep and